Don't mess with my spread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bunny go go…a word please!

I returned home from a hard day at work and I was planning to put my feet up and have a nice slice of toast with some chocolate and hazelnut Nutella. Good plan abi? It would be except that my catering size jar of Nutella has disappeared. En en! Wait. Before you start swearing on the life of your 2nd cousin twice removed, listen to what I have to say.

Firstly, you were the last no good, thieving family member to gain access into my home. Secondly, when I heard the other day that you and your hubby had to be rescued by the RSPCA and the fire bridge because your car had been surrounded by a pack of hungry renegade squirrels, I thought nothing of it (well I did because that’s just plain weird but not what I’m thinking now). But now that I’ve discovered that my Nutella is missing, the pieces are starting to click into place. Missing chocolate & HAZELNUT spread, hungry squirrels, squirrels like nuts…see where I’m going with this?

OK! In order to spare you any further embarrassment please return my Nuttella now now. Actually, wait a second...If wildlife with a penchant for nutty snacks are following you down the street that means you’ve been spreading my Nutella on something other than baked goods. Olodumare!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?? My Nutella is not for you to carry out painting by number experiments on your other half. You know what? just keep it and send me £5.99 to buy a replacement jar.

Na wa! Your own don pass kinky o! God forbid I should eat anything that comes out of your kitchen again because only God know where it’s been first. I mean there is even a picture of a little boy eating bread spread generously with the yummy,chocolaty goodness on the label, with the words “serving suggestion” in big bold letters. Can you not follow a simple serving suggestion or you no fit read again? You think that poor boys mother would have let him take part in the advertising campaign if she knew pervs such as yourselves were going to adapt it for obscene practices?? Anyway I don’t even know why I am surprised by you anymore. You better bring yourself over here and let me sprinkle you with some Holy water before you reach the point of kinky no return.

You know what; I don’t even feel like blogging again. I am now forced to eat my toast with “I can’t believe it’s not butter” which is false advertising because they sure ain’t fooling me. For all of you out there who think it’s a good idea to steal somebody else’s beloved chocolate spread “DON’T DO IT”! Its just cruel…sob.

Look! I’m not a prude. I’m all down with the whole food and sex thing but there are other ways to tantalise your other half without committing sacrilege with expensive, yummy spreads. You might want to consider buying that cheap, synthetic tasting stuff from Anne Summers (not that I know what it tastes like. I’ve been told it tastes synthetic) or for all of you who don’t have access to Anne Summers, please consult the list below for other spreadable alternatives. Getting Married Chick, this list is for you. I know how you like to use locally manufactured goods to set the mood . Take notes. You can thank me after the honey moon:

Choco Milo mixed with a little water and mashed to a smooth consistency has an almost similar effect.

Ogi, For those nights you are in the mood for some local loving, (please make sure it’s cold or you want be having any kind of relations for a looooooonnng time to come) is another alternative.

Fan Ice. I personally prefer the plain yogurt flavor.

Limca/Goldspot/Miranda - Take your pick

You also have a wide range of local fruit to experiment with (think 9½ weeks) - Agbalumo, Guava etc

I’ll leave you guys to get started on those and I’m sure you’ll think up some more on your own. But I hope you have all learnt what you can do with a bit of imagination and without having to resort to stealing other people’s spread able confectionery.