Yeah! I've got problems too

Before you start, I now have a new complaints system. Anyone not happy with the regularity or content of the blog should direct their views to dontyouhaveajob@loser.com I promise, my team of highly trained customer service agents (who said you can’t teach a red bottomed baboon to respond to e-mails)and myself will respond to your queries ASAP(wait I dey come).

Look guys I’ve been MEGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA busy. Not only have I had to hold down a 9-5, which believe me is hard if you have an aversion to work of any kind and a total dislike of other human beings. Yep! Actually just discovered that. Don’t actually like other people. Not just annoying ones who crowd your space and try and read your monthly Basky newsletter over your shoulder on the tube. Just all people in general. What’s the point of you all? No really? You just kinda crowd up the planet and make a whole bunch of noise. None of you are particularly interesting, attractive or witty. But hey! Guess you all can’t be me. Having to deal with work is bad enough but then throw in the stress of parents, crazy sister getting married and planning a trip to Nigeria…I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.


So it really doesn’t help that some of you have chosen this time to turn to me for advice. But to prove that I am not totally heartless and without some compassion. I will take time out of my hectic schedule and share a few words of wisdom. So let’s do this


Dear Mena

I am 35 and like you I am also a very sophisticated woman who has difficulty in meeting the right man. But I think my luck is changing. There has been a guy who has shown some interest in me. He is 40, extremely attractive, very loving and kind. He isn’t working at the moment though and money is tight. I have tried suggesting some job opportunities to him but he says he is waiting to find his true calling in life. This being the case we don’t go out a lot but stay at his bed-sit eating Big Mama bread with sardines whilst he reads me poetry. He doesn’t always have credit but flashes me all the time to call him. I am starting to fall for his charms but my friends think it's a bad idea to date a guy with no money. What do you think? Surely love conquers all?


Dear Confused

I beg come closer. No closer so you can hear what I am going to say well well. Confused…RUNNNNNNNNNN!!! Excuse me if I sound like a gold digging garden implement but you ain’t no spring chicken and definitely don’t have time to be playing love in Tokyo with a man who is allergic to work. Contrary to what you might think, no be love dey keep you warm in the winter. Na British Gas and last time I checked they don’t accept poetry as payment for central heating. I have no objection to someone having a hard time getting to where they want to be in life but if at 40 you never find your true calling then you need to be at church begging for break through not trying to romance women in your one room bachelor pad. Shame no even catch both of you? Him for being a good for nothing lay about and you for being the kind of woman that can be enticed by Big Mama bread and Titus. I beg respect yourself. Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you should fall for the first guy that shows some interest. If he is serious about building something meaningful then he needs to get his act together or you will both find out the hard way that there is more to a relationship than love. Now get out of my office joker.

PS: If you were really sophisticated you wouldn’t be caught dead eating Pafun in some bed-sit in the middle of nowhere listening to substandard poetry.


Next!

Hey Mena

Long time reader, first time writer. I’m a big fan and really hope you can help me with this situation. I have been dating this guy for 8 years and even though we are both financially secure he still becomes evasive whenever the issue of marriage comes up. I am afraid that he is losing interest in me. Do you think I should get pregnant in other get a proposal out of him and keep him for good?


Dear Desperate

I think what you should do is stop reading my blog. I am horrified that my literary skills are being wasted on someone with a brain the size of a peanut. Firstly if he’s been milking the cow for 8 years (please don’t even bother lying that you’ve been abstaining) without even putting down a ring as a down payment then you need to realise that he ain’t gonna buy you. Not even if you throw a calf into the equation. Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t perfect. We’ve all given away free milk at some point or the other to guys who we thought were the ones but 8 years!!!!!!!!! Let’s use an analogy us ladies will understand. It’s like Fendi letting you take a spy bag out of the shop for free and then turning up 8 years later to collect their money. Would you give them money or throw their out of season USED bag out the window and tell them to hot foot it off your property? Them throwing in a free purse that I didn’t want or ask for isn’t going to help either. I would keep my money and go buy this seasons “It” bag. So I suggest you keep your legs closed and your ovaries in check. I’ve noticed that with guys, if they want to marry you, unless theres a whole bunch of factors in the way, they don’t take 8 years to do it. If he loves you, he will marry you and if he doesn’t, it’s time to move on. 8 years might seem a like a huge chunk of your life wasted but it’s definitely better than a lifetime of regret.

Gee! I thought I had issues but compared to you lot I’m kinda normal. Alright. One more nugget of wisdom and I’m out of here.


Hi Mena

I’m kinda embarrased writing to you, being a guy and all, but I figured that I need a woman’s perspective on this. I’m interested in this girl and I think she likes me too but I’m reluctant to make a move because I think she might be a tad more experienced than I would like. I’m no prude but don’t like the idea of my girl and maybe future wife being a notch on several guys bedposts. I want to be fair about this and not be a male chauvinist, so what do you think is an acceptable number of partners for a woman to have?


Dear Fair Guy

Are you a virgin? If the answer to that question is no, then don’t let the door hit your male chauvinist ass on the way out. If the answer is yes, same response (na me tell you make you no do). Why do all guys want us to be as pure as the driven snow? Maybe if you guys didn’t spend all your time trying to trick us into bed with promises of false love, then some of us might actually not have that many notches on our bed posts to begin with. I know some of us girls (like some of you guys) are just nympho sex freaks, in which case I would be tad concerned about leaving her alone in a men’s locker room. But hey! At least you know she’ll be able to rock your world when the time comes. You know what? I don’t know if this girl has had 1 or 100 guys. What I do know is if you like someone and want to start something new, then start something new and leave the past where it belongs.

I’m worn out and need my daily dose of Basky love. So if you’ll excuse me. I’m off to put on my slinky nightie and hop into bed to watch my Boo on You tube. Whilst I’m bonding, do check out Ayo.