Make the pain stop!

I woke up yesterday morning and felt like I’d been doused in hot acid, rolled in chill peppers and had the whole of Mo Hit records partying in my head. Everything hurt, ached and throbbed. My nose was all bunged up and I was hacking away like some demented old witch. I was ill…Again!

Lord why me? I blame all the constant crying on my shoulder by Bad Weave. She must have passed her local germs to me. My finely tuned virus defence system, having never encountered germs of such razzness and bad taste before, must have fled rather than touch them in battle. I don’t blame you my delicate white blood cells. Run! Save yourselves from the Fuji loving bacteria. But it means I need drugs and I’m going to have to go to the hospital. Even worse, it means I’m going to have to talk to my mother.

You mean you still haven’t let this BB Guy thing go Mena?

Of course I have. She is my mother after all. Its not like I can return her now is it? So I have accepted my destiny and I’m learning to bear my cross. Anyway, seeing as there currently isn’t a man on the horizon, the chances of getting out of this house anytime soon are looking slim. So I am respecting  myself before my mother sparks and boots my sulking behind out. I’m only avoiding her to ensure no harrowing conversations on marriage, weight or what I’m doing with my life occur.

I literally crawl out of bed, down the stairs, into the living room.

"Mummy I’m ill."  I say, collapsing at her feet and burying my head under her iro for comfort.

"Will you come on get off the floor and stop wiping your snotty nose on my clothes like a bush baby. Can’t you see we have guests?"

Huh? We do?

I peek out from under the iro and sure enough there were 2 other people in the room. And not just people, Hot, members of the opposite sex kinda people. Hmmm… My peripheral vision must really suck or I am reeeaaally ill. How the hell could I have missed hot guys?! OK let’s assess the situation. I’m lying on the floor in my see through nightie(It was laundry day and I got tired of waiting for “The One” to arrive before I could  launch it), a wrapper, hair net, no make up, no bra and at this point I no longer have the will to live.

I have 3 options:

A - Reverse crawl out of the room without saying a word and hope they think I was a figment of their imagination.

B- Continue to lie on the floor, close my eyes and say nothing until my mother is forced to call an ambulance to whisk me away from my current shame filled Mena moment


Or


C- Get up! Say hello and walk out of there like I was the hottest thing since man discovered fire.

I chose to go with option C. I could turn this situation round. I am Mena after all.

Trust your bad self Mena.

Yeah! I'm bad! Sho mo! but er...Brain isn't. It chose to go with option B.

Huh?

Abi? U wan deny am? No be u dey control all my bodily functions?

Try as I might I just couldn’t make myself get up. Anyway after taking so long to figure out what to do, getting up and saying "Hello" now would just be awkward. They wouldn’t just think I was local but insane as well. So I simply let my head fall to the ground (Owwwwww!!!!) and waited to see how long it would take my mother to react.

"Menaa!!!!"

3 seconds. Not bad.

"Mennna!!! Oh my God help me! I think she’s dead."

Ah ah! What is always wrong with this woman? Which one is dead again? Don’t people ever faint where she comes from?

God forgive you. You are a very wicked daughter. Look at how you are scaring your mother?

I beg let me hear word. My head hurts. Anyway it’s not like I did it on purpose. You would do the same thing if you ran into hot guys whilst half naked with no make up on. STOP JUDGING ME!

"Quick help me lift her up."

No!!!! Lift ke? There shall be no lifting. The shame, if these 2 guys can’t carry my ample frame off the floor, might actually kill me. Doesn’t she watch TV? Check my airways and call an ambulance dammit! Payan payan!

"It’s alright madam calm down. We need to check she’s still breathing and that her airways aren’t obstructed before we move her."

Finally the voice of reason. Sounds like he watches ER. My kinda man. Unlike this Kakaki watching woman. If it was up to her, she would have thrown my unconscious, airway obstructed body unto the back of an okada and zoomed off to the ER, killing me in the process.

Ohhh nice. One of the hotties is checking my pulse. Strong, manly hands on my body...Mmmmm

"I can hear rasping noises coming from her throat..."

Damn! Did I moan out loud?

"She might be choking. Move back ma let make sure she’s not swallowing  her tongue."

"Menaa!!! Ti pa mi o. What will I tell her father? They will say it is the holy spices I have been putting in her food."

En???!!!! Holy wetin? God don catch you today. I thought my Frosties tasted a tad odd lately. Now we know why. I shall deal with you when I finish feigning unconsciousness.

What the…?

One of the hotties is trying to pry my mouth open. No way that’s gonna happen. I haven’t brushed my gnashers yet and no potential Mr.Mena is getting a whiff of morning breath before he’s had a chance to see the finer things I have to offer. So I clamp down hard and start to wonder how to get myself out of this quickly deteriorating farce.

I should just make a miraculous recovery.

I move my head from side to side, escaping mystery hottie number ones prying fingers( They tasted like donuts by the way...Yummy Tasting Hottie),

Omo ko omo!


and I  let out a few ladylike moans, before allowing my eyelids to flutter open.


" Where am I? What happened?" I say in a sexy low mumur


Ladies & Gentlemen and the Oscar goes to...


Yummy Tasting Hottie gazes into my eyes, touches my forehead and says


"You fainted. You're going to be..."


before MY MOTHER ruins our romantic first meeting by shoving him out of the way and putting me in a bear hug, whilst  sobbing like a baby.

Oh gosh! She is rather upset isn't she?

Yah think spawn of the devil?! There's a special place in the afterlife for ungrateful children like you.

I didn't mean too. Everything just spiralled out of control. Anyway don't worry, pay back has come early.  My mothers vigorous hugging just made my wrapper drop. My butt cheeks are on display for the whole world to see. I can't see Hottie number 2 but Yummy Tasting Hottie does not look impressed.

My aching head. Just kill me now and make all the pain and embarrassment stop.

Male Mates Needed. Apply Here!

Lord have mercy! That’s like the 15th e-mail in the space of an hour. This is why you should never let another woman hug you in the ladies loo. They get all clingy and demanding.




Sod off woman!!!



I don’t want to know if Fuji dancer hasn’t picked up your call for the umpteenth time. Don’t you have friends to talk too?





Bitchy!



Whatever!!! Look, I can appreciate that Bad Weave is going through a bad time, but the fact that I patted her on the back and helped her blow nose doesn’t suddenly make me her new BFF. She's been making me do lunch so she can sob on my shoulder. My dry cleaning bill this month is going to be horrendous. Hasn't she ever heard of waterproof mascara? Anyway she wants me to come down to Fuji Boys place with her to talk to him. Naturally that’s where I drew the line. That's the kind of trip you take your close mates, who have had the torturous experience of meeting Fuji Boy, on. Not some random hot chick that works in your office. I'm sorry Bad Weave I ain't looking to be your friend.



If I wanted new friends, I definitely wouldn’t be looking in her direction. And despite what you might all think it ain't just the bad hair and men choices that’s standing in her way. We just don’t have anything in common. I’m too old to be forcing myself to hang with people just because I feel sorry for them or I’m bored and lonely. Making friends is a delicate process and you just don’t hand yourselves over to random people just because you happen to know their dirty little secrets.



To make matters worse, Rat Boy who now knows I know has been trying to get me to talk her into seeing things his way. Not my beeswax mate. You shagged her. You bag her. I ain’t involving myself in this Tinsel plot line. Everybody leave me alone.



Don’t worry you’ll be alone pretty soon, considering your only mate in Lagos; Speedy Gonzales is jetting off to New York for 4 months as we speak.



Noooooooooooo!!!! Why Speedy?!! Why?!!



Damn the dodgy maternity services in this country. Why is everyone so obsessed with jetting off to have their sprogs? I was born here and turned out just fine thank you very much. Army Barracks Hospital Ilorin…I salute you (Could have done a better job moulding my ears but thank God for long flowing weaves.) She lied!!! She doesn’t love me or she wouldn’t be leaving me at the mercy of my crazy man wrapper sister. Boo Hoo. I do need new friends don’t I Brain?



Yes you do Anti-social one.



Ok! But can we only look for male friends? Can’t cope with female drama.



Ashawo! Wetin you wan take male friends do?



Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m taking a sabbatical from lusting over men remember?



If you say so. That’s why you’ve been aiming your cleavage towards Six Pack Guy all week abi?



Oh that! Not what you think. We were conducting an experiment. He was helping me decide what angle my boobies looked perkiest at for future man catching purposes.



If I could make you slap yourself I would. Actually I can...



Ow! Stop that.



He’s so metro sexual he’s swung right past the hetro to gay. So I wouldn't worry about him Brain. Or at least I think he has. In fact I’ll eat carbs if he ain’t gay. His interest in my hair and shoes is way too intense to be normal male behavior. I mean only this morning he high fived me for being right on trend with my Gucci raffia tote.
I pirry you. I wouldn’t assume he’s anything until he tells you himself or you catch him in a compromising position with the stationery boy who definitely is. If you like keep giving him film show.


Nah! No way. He calls me girlfriend and we’re even thinking of going to some fashion show over the weekend. Definitely a whole lot more fun hanging with a guy.

Afraid no catch you abi? A word is enough for the wise. From fashion show you go branch bar. From bar your "Can't hold her drink" self will end up in the supposed gay man's house doing very un gay things. Any man that’s not a eunuch, Gucci bag lovin’ or otherwise, is dangerous. I don’t want to hear "O ka mi mo corner" o.



Askology. You ain't my Daddy!! So chillax and stop being so suspicious! You should be happy. I might just be making a new friend and at work too.

Find a girlfriend. I don talk my own.


Look as any woman will testify making friends with guys is just easier. Guys ain’t hating on your weave or eyeing up your boyfriend behind your back (Well these days you never know). There are only 2 reasons why a guy is your friend in the first place. You’re either very hot and he’s hoping one day you will trip over and conveniently fall into his shag master 2000 deluxe king-size bed with the rotating overhead mirrors or you make him laugh and he thinks you’re cool. Outside of those 2 reasons there ain’t much else they are interested in.



Also guys like to do fun stuff like play video games, drink copious amounts of vodka, talk about pointless crap in loud voices and most importantly they know other guys who might be suitable for dating duty when my man fast is over.



So really, guy friends are the future. I just have to maintain the key rule to staying friends with a guy; which is never sleep with them. You can flirt with them till kingdom come but never ever snog or sleep with them cause that just creates all sorts of messy boundary issues. I see some people at the back of the room eagerly raising their hands to ask things like "What about friends with benefits?" etc.



Story. Do you have female friends with benefits? If you do then you probably ain’t interested in blokes anyway and if you still are then...Does your mama know you’re kinky lil’ so and so? Anyway my point is once you start giving up the extra’s you’re now in shag buddy territory, which is a whole other blog.



Being friends with a woman…I beg. Wahala dey plenty.



The reasons why a woman might want to be your friend are endless. Which is why I avoid female friendships like the plague. They're cool when you're still pubescent and you think boy bands are the best thing ever. But once you get past a certain age its just easier to stick to the girls you've known all your life instead of trying to fit into some clique that has so many rules and regulations to join its easier to be employed by the CIA.



Don't get me wrong, I do talk to other girls and we do the whole number swapping thing but deep down we both know we're just going to remain acquaintances and air kiss when we see each other at parties. I’ve got my own issues; don’t need a random girl bringing me down. I shall stick with Ijebu Chick & Bunnylicious. They might be annoying and thousands of miles away but at least I know they got my back.



So I think the best way to handle this is to maybe hold open auditions for my new male mates. Anyone who’s interested should send me their BB pins and I’ll take it from there. No “Cant afford to buy his own popcorn when we go the movies” applicants please. And also it wouldn't kill you to be cute, have modicum of style and a strong grasp of the English language. I might not be planning on dating your arse but I don’t plan on slumming it either.

I think we're gonna need more tissues.

 Bad Weave’s fiancé has dumped her 3 months to the wedding after he caught her in a steamy liaison at Mama Cass. Please don’t ask me how it’s possible to have a steamy liaison at Mama Cass. I’m too tush to know.

Ennnnn!!!! Ashawo. Na wa Mena. This one that you can’t even find one to lampash you and she’s keeping 2 to herself. It’s a shame sha.

Gerraway jo! I know you are just using style to insult me.

What’s the big deal? I just  kinda got dumped too and slapped with a BB restraining order to boot. I should be the one sobbing in the ladies. I could be picking out table linens with my wedding planner by now. Boo Hoo!

N’do. Se you know your own romance was a figment of your over active imagination sha?

Kiss my BBB (Beautiful Black Behind)!

Anyway, to make matters worse…She’s pregnant.

Ahhh!!! That one na different story but at least she’s been getting some. Unlike some people.

Continue being lippy.

It's true sha…The bi*#%. But then again, it depends on who you’ve been getting it from. Guess what makes this whole situation suicide worthy?

Wetin??

She was caught in a steamy liaison with Rat Boy formerly known as Chipmunk from the office.

Na lie! Story don wowo finish.

I don’t know why but I am rather upset by this news. I don’t know if it’s the mental image of both them getting it on that’s now looping through my brain that’s upsetting me; The fact that even Rat Boy is getting his groove on and I’m not or the knowledge that they were able to carry out a sordid affair under my nose without me finding out. I pride myself on my instincts and if anyone had told me that Rat Boy had ever seen or knew what to do with a naked woman, I would have had them committed.

All interest in Six Pack guy has now gone. I needed to hear me some gist.

As it turns out Bad Weave’s Fuji dancing boyfriend had proposed to her in a drunken haze about a month ago and it seems he was now getting cold feet. He had started ignoring her phone calls, staying out till all hours and taking an unseemly interest in the opposite sex. After a row over catching him in his neighbor’s apartment with nothing but a pair of boxers on (He claims he was helping her kill a cockroach. I don’t even have a witty remark for that), Bad Weave had come into work early the next day and had a mini sobbing fit. Rat Boy had arrived in the middle of the whole thing and given her a shoulder to cry on

Over the weeks, as Fuji dancing boyfriend’s behavior detiriorated, so did the muscles in Rat Boys shoulder, and they totally gave way one day causing Bad Weaves head to slip and placing her lips directly over Rat Boys. The rest as they say was history.

Personally it would take a whole lot more than a cheating boyfriend to send me into the stubby arms of Rat Boy. I’m not even sure a nuclear holocaust and the need to repopulate the earth would. If it was up to me and him, believe me, Cockroaches would rule the world.

Anyway she claims she didn’t know what happened but she just couldn’t help herself after that. Every time she had a row with Fuji Boy, Rat Boy and his “Miraculous rod of wonder” would pop by and make everything alright.

Did she want to be with him?

Apparently not. Her exact words being “Hell no!”

He was apparently an Okada riding, Dundun eating, junior member of staff. There was no future with him. He was just sweet to her and with Fuji Boy being a  typical macho male, she was missing some tenderness. She loved Fuji Boy despite his dodgy ways and anyway he owned a Tokunbo Prado. Nuff said.

The only problem now was after the whole Mama Cass debacle, Fuji boy and his Prado had kicked her to the kerb. He was probably back on cockroach killing duty at his neighbors as we speak. Rat Boy on the other hand seems to have fallen for the lure of synthetic hair and was now claiming paternity to the unborn child and demanding she give their relationship a chance. I mean why let a little thing like no car and your meager salary stand in the way of love abi?

I  can personally think of many reasons but I ain't pregnant and unable to decide if the baby daddy is a gyrating philanderer or a poverty stricken rodent. So I shall be keeping my opinions to myself.

 Her question to me was “What would you do?”

God forbid! May I never be able to answer that question.

How the hell do I know Trampy? My sole knowledge of  issues like this  is garnered from Nollywood and I’m not sure their way of dealing with things is necessarily the right way to go. I honestly  can’t even begin to relate to anything she’s telling me.

The only time I’ve ever cheated on someone was when I was in college and too much of a wimp to break up with the loser I was with. I tried. Believe me I tried but he would break into tears every time I attempted to tell him things weren’t working out. So I figured the best way to sort it out was to move on but not bother telling him I’d moved on. I figured he would work it out soon enough when he saw me smooching someone else on campus.

This on the other hand is a whole different kettle of fish.

Bad Weave,  I’m all out of advice but I do have a giant box of Kleenex that I’m willing to share.

Abi? What else can I do?

Six Packs & Tissues.

Friggin, stupid men.


Who needs them?

Not me that’s for sure.

After all, apart from the sex what else are they really good for? And lets be honest some of them can’t even get the sex bit right. I mean come on,  how hard is it to keep going for 3 hours and make some multiple O’s happen whilst telling me I’m the best you’ve ever had in French? Exactly! Nothing to it abi and yet do I get that? Of course not. One ex had the nerve to say to me I was "Too demanding" and that there was nothing wrong with 10 minutes and a cuddle afterwards. 10 minutes!!!! It takes me that long to decide who I’ll be fantasizing about whilst the whole things going on. And as for cuddling…Totally overrated when the person cuddling you has just scratched his itch and left you wondering what the hell just happened? Nope! Don’t need em. I can change my own light bulbs thank you very much. I will throw myself into my work and breed chickens to fill my lonely hours. Chickens! What’s not to love? Unconditional clucky devotion and you can eat them when they piss you off.

I stroll into the office determined to be a better employee and put the last couple of weeks behind me. I reach my desk and lo and behold there is 6ft of gorgeousness sitting by it. I immediately suck in my tummy and thank God for forcing me to put make up on. I sashay up to my desk; sit down opposite him and kapow him with my 100 mega watt smile.

“Hi! Are you waiting for me?”


“Hi! I’m not sure. Are you Mena?”


“Yep! That’s me and you are?”

“My names ….."

(It’s got be Six Pack Guy).

"I’m the new Account Manager. “


Finally!!! My prayers have been answered. After months of petitioning HR via anonymous notes in the suggestion box, they have finally employed some eye candy for my department. Hello Six Pack Guy. How you doinnnng?? My self imposed ban on men will have to wait.

“Sorry to be camped out at your desk but it seems your HR department wasn’t quiet ready for me. So I was told to hang out with you and you would show me the ropes.”

God bless our incompetent HR department. I’ll show you the ropes alright.  Right before I tie you to my headboard with them and make you my kinky slave.

Mena!!!!!

Sorry! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Pull yourself together woman.

I know Brain. We need to do something about my raging hormones. I’ve tried everything…Food, TV, going out, shopping, prayer and even fasting. But I just can't stop thinking about it. It’s all the time now. My mind is constantly playing naughty images in my head. If I was a dog I‘d be rubbing myself against every leg I could find. This is a disaster. I’m having a midlife kinky crisis. I’m all itchy and there’s no one to scratch it. Well there wasn’t until now.

Don’t even think about it Mena. We shall not be getting scratched by any one who gets paid by the same payroll as us. You’re just a bit stressed and hormonal at the moment. All that drama with BB boy  has you frazzled. You’ll be fine.

But he’s so cute and muscly. Damn! Here comes Bad Weave. She’s bound to want him too. As a matter of principle I should be allowed to make my move before she tries anything Brain.

No! You no dey hear word?

Hey! What’s going on here? Bad Weave just walked past without so much as a lustful glance in Six Pack's direction. Something ain't right here.  I turn to him and give him a quick once over. Nah! My nookie deprived brain isn’t playing tricks on me. He’s cute dammit! Why isn’t she interested? I know she has a boyfriend but that usually doesn’t stop her. Now I’m scared. Maybe her jazz has warned her about his hot self. He might be disease ridden, have a Johnson the size of a peanut (I wonder if there’s jazz that can tell you that? You know…Exciting equipment makes the crotch area glow green and a red flashing light tells you to run for dear life and sexual liberation. I need to look into that) or even worse, unable to keep me in shoes. I must investigate further.

I follow Bad Weave into the ladies room and find her sobbing uncontrollably. Her cheap Island cosmetics mascara is running down her face and one of her false eyelashes is literally hanging on for dear life. Under ordinary circumstances I would have whipped out my BB and filmed this for prosperity. You know something to cheer me up when I’m having a bad day but I had more pressing issues here. I needed to find out if Six Pack Guy was a potential play thing or if I needed to disinfect my desk and sepe on HR for tempting me with damaged goods.

“Are you OK Bad Weave? What’s the matter?”

She sniffs loudly, says something unintelligible and throws herself in my arms.

Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!! Personal space! Personal space dammit!

Oh my God!! she’s getting make up and bodily fluids all over my new Banana Republic silk tee. I need to bring this love fest to a close.

“There, there…everything’s going to be alright. Just sit here and tell me what’s wrong.”

I deposit her firmly on the loo and back up to a safe distance to listen to her pathetic tale of woe. I mean what could possibly be so wrong? Did her hairdresser run out of bad hair or maybe one of her sugar daddies wives finally gave her the beat down she deserves. Either way I’m only pretending to care so I know if it’s worth investing in a Brazilian wax before the weekend.

After several failed attempts to make out what she was saying through all the sobbing, the picture finally become's clear and let’s just say she needed to be crying a bit more than that. I actually considered shoving her out the window and helping her end it all.

Damn woman! How old are you again?

How could you have let all this happen?

Well I never...

Hey! Snap out of it and open the darn message drama queen.

OK! I can do this. I’ve survived 3 brothers, 2 crazy sisters, a stint in Federal Government College and living with my mother alone deserves a purple heart. So opening a BB message is nothing. Here goes…


BB Boy: Hi!


Phew! All it says is "Hi".

"Hi" is cool.

I can deal with "Hi".

"Hi" doesn’t require too many mental machinations to respond to.

I’ll just say "Hi" back and then we’ll take it from there right?

Then again should I be worried that its just a "Hi"? I mean "Hi" is so impersonal. There's no "I’ve been pining away for you for 2 weeks" in "Hi". Theres no "Mena you wronged me but I cant resist you" in"Hi". What if…


For the love of God. Just respond will you. It ain't rocket science girl. Someone says "Hi" and you say "Hi" back! Geez!

DON’T RUSH ME! I CANT TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE!!!!!!!


Mena: Hello stranger



Darn! Why did I type that? We agreed on me just saying "Hi" back abi? Now he’s going to know that I’ve noticed he ain't been around and that I was bothered by it. Oh Lord! Why couldn’t I just type"Hi!"? Why am I such a dufus?


I swear to God if you start crying again, I will force our organs to  spontaneously combust. Its just a guy Mena. We can do this OK?


OK!



BB Boy: Hi there! Pinged you ages ago.



Mena: Sorry. Been a bit tied up. Just noticed it. So how are you?



BB Boy: I’m cool. Look I’ll just get straight to the point. No offence or anything but you need to get your crazy mother to leave me alone.



What the f*@k ? Where's my "I cant live without you" convo? And no one calls my mother crazy but me. What has the crazy woman done now? She swore to me that she had asked Inspector Lamidi to cease all surveillance detail on him and stand down. She's obviously  lied to me...again.



Mena: Sorry?! I don’t think there’s any need for insults. How would you feel if I called your mother crazy?



BB Boy: Believe me if my mother was having you followed around by MOPO’s and scaring off your dates you can call her any damn thing you want.



En?? Did he say dates? You cheating bastard. While I’ve been losing precious body fluids from crying uncontrollably all week, he’s been getting his dating groove on? Na only MOPO u don see abi? You think my mother is crazy? Wait till you meet the miniature, concentrated version of her...Mena



Mena: I don’t know what you’re talking about. My mother wouldn’t do that( well she would but I ain't telling him that.) Next time I suggest you get your facts straight before you start flinging slanderous accusations about.



BB Boy: Look don’t try and mess me about. I recognize the guys from the other night at your house. They keep telling the LASMA guys near my office to harass me. They arrested my driver for no good reason. The other night they stopped me and my date and kept us there for over an hour claiming that the tyres on my car had been reported stolen and that they had to impound them for forensic examination


He said that word again…Date. Whats that drilling sound? Oh wait, its the sound of my blood rushing through my veins at an alarming rate due the shock of being so easily replaced.



Mena: You know what? It's people like you that are ruining our country.



BB Boy: Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?



Mena: You heard me. What?! Is that you and your so called date are too hot to co-operate with the police in an ongoing investigation?



BB Boy:You’ve got to be kidding me. What friggin' investigation? Nothing was stolen. I WAS DRIVING MY OWN F’ING CAR WHICH WAS PERFECTLY BALANCED ON THE TYRES IT CAME WITH FROM THE SHOWROOM!!!!!



Mena: Don’t you send me messages in caps with multiple exclamations at the end. Who do you think you are? First you insult my mother and then you have the nerve to address me in that tone? You sir, are no gentleman. If everybody acted like you how would we solve any crimes in this great nation of ours?



BB Boy:You’re insane. The crazy gene obviously runs in your family. Thank God I realized it before I got myself entangled with you. To think I was going to ask you to come to my mates wedding in Jos with me. I was actually considering getting serious with you.



Story! If you were really getting serious about me you wouldn’t have let a simple thing like my mother and my family's mental history get in the way.



Mena: Boo hoo. I’m heartbroken. Loser! Your mates are carrying babes like me to Dubai to shop. And you are feeling because you wanted to take me to one of your loser friends wedding in harmattan ridden Jos? Nigga plllleeeeezzzze!



BB Boy: This conversation is so over. Theres no point trying to reason with someone who’s obviously not all there. It's a shame. You’re a pretty girl. Try getting some help for your condition and maybe somebody might consider dating you. Until then just stay away from me or you’ll find out the hard way that you aren’t the only family with military connections.



Mena: Are you threatening me big spender?



BB Boy:Try me and see.



Mena: You’re just priceless. To think I was going to lose my haven’t had sex since the last world cup status with you? Well you can just kiss all that goodbye. I’ll be saving my goodies for someone else.



BB Boy: Really? 4 years?



Hmmm…Am I sensing a change in the waters? Trust a guy to get all mellow when the issue of sex pops into the equation. I might still be able to salvage this situation yet. I might still have a chance with BB Boy.Just need to reel him in gently. Don’t be a garden tool Mena but show him despite his disparaging comments about you and your mama, you are a forgiving soul.



Mena: Yes! Its been 4 years. I’ve been saving myself for the right guy. You know, the one who would complete me. My fellow wandering spirit. Is that you BB Boy? Are you trying to fight your true desires for me by hiding behind all this aggression? Let it out. We’re both adults. Theres no shame in admitting you want me despite my mental peculiarities.



BB Boy: You're right.

We are saying thank you Jesus... Brain,your master has succeed once again in turning a disaster into the beginning of steamy romance. Watch him pour out his heart to me.


Mena: That’s it. Open up to me.



BB Boy: I want you...

Oh gosh, bits of my body that I didn't know existed are tingling.

BB Boy: ...COMMITTED YOU BLINKIN' PSYCHO! NO WONDER YOU’RE FRIGGIN' CRAZY!!! GO GET LAID AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!


Well I never!

I think he’s just taken me off his BB list.

Don't judge me!

Which one of you evil people sent me a note threatening to reveal my true age if I didn’t update my blog? All I can say is God dey! May they not send you such letters when you are busy recuperating from losing the one true love of your life.

En? Who be that?

BB boy of course! What kind of dumb ass question is that? Na everyday I dey love?

Weeellll….

Shut it! Just shut it, shut it, shut it!!!!! The others were nothing but mild amusements. They didn’t have the connection we did. Couldn’t you feel the love in the air Brain? How am I supposed to live now? Boo hooo

I can't live, if living is without you...


Oh God she’s breaking into song again. Mena e don do now. Pity the rest of the house.


I can't live, I can't give anymore


Can't live, if living is without you


I can't give, I can't give anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...


Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Boo hoo!
I can’t give anymore Brain…Booooo hoooooo.

Whyyyyyyyyy???!!!! Why does my life suck? I will never love again.

Boo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


We could have been so happy with little danshiki clad babies running round the house shouting “Mummy I want nono!” Now that will never be and all because of THAT WOMAN! I will never speak to her again.

There, there Mariah  from Ilorin. Stop blaming your mother and using her Egyptian cotton sheets to wipe the snot from your nose. And just a warning for the future…Refrain from crying in front of any man. We are not attractive when we cry. She's said she's sorry and has tried to make it up to you. The generator has been on non-stop  for a whole week just to make you happy. Look, I thought you said under no circumstances were you going to succumb to his charms anyway? So why all the drama?

I know, but he smelt like candy, looked like candy and laughed like Count Dracula. What girl could resist that?

A normal one?

It will take more than her burning diesel to make it up to me. Short of her bringing me an identical BB guy, I ain't interested.



Don’t worry we’ll find you another candy smelling, fruit loop to fall in love with ok? Maybe if we got out of bed, had a shower and brushed our 100% almost human hair we might have a better chance of meeting someone else.

Look leave me jare. Let me wallow in my misery in peace. I shall stay hidden under the duvet until I can no longer stand the smell of my own sweaty body.  I don tire for this Eko jo. Someone book me a flight outta here. I need a new start where people don’t trample on your love life just because they carried you for 9 months and suffered 14 hours of apparently excruciating labour. Story…Can’t have been that bad woman or you would have remained celibate afterwards instead of popping out a couple more kids.I can’t take it here anymore. If I’m not being mentally assaulted by my mother then I’m being judged every where I go.

Nigerians are the most tactless bunch of people I’ve ever met. I mean as far as I’m concerned just because I happen to be a pair of boobs with legs doesn’t make me a whale. I happen to be nicely rounded thank you very much. But the number of comments I get about my curves is bordering on harassment. Must I look like a bonga fish before everybody leaves me alone? Just the other day some pervo client that’s been making my life hell with his unwanted advances sent me a pervy forward. Just I was about to delete it I noticed he had saved my e-mail id as my name and in brackets right after that was the word “Orobo”. I did a quick double take.

Na lie. See this idiot? Not only has he violated me by sending a rather nasty and explicit fwd about boobs. He has the guts to insult my fine self to my virtual face and then copy his gang of no hoper friends into it? I don’t even care if they sack me,  I’m so telling him his life story whilst simultaneously kicking his bony ass. With his wowo,” Never see dentist before teeth” and “Wind no carry me away” suit. Na condition bend crayfish and made you a manager even though you can’t speak English. Otherwise why in hell would I ever interact with you? Upon all my orobo you still want to date me sha? And you think insulting me will make it happen? Wait I dey come. Your great grandchildren will marry before I even get in the same car with you let alone display my so called orobo body in all its naked glory.

Everybody’s got an opinion here. I’m too fat, too short, too poor( I’m not poor! I just like cars that are painted yellow with black stripes),too snobby, too single, too loud, too rude, too old, too boring…the list is endless. At some point I was actually starting to question me!! Can you imagine? The Exotic One actually wondering if she was cute enough, sexy enough, clever enough or hip enough? As if.

Look everyone stop judging me. I’m me! Take me or leave me, that’s your choice but stop trying to change me. I’m not suddenly going to become a size zero, "My handbag defines me" chick with flowing Madagascarn hair. I’m a sophisticated razzo who likes to slob around in her pj’s watching old movies and eating ice-cream out of the tub. I would rather roll around the carpet with my nieces and nephews than spend hours at some fashion show looking at stuff that now cost more than my college education because someone tacked some tassel on a piece of  Ankara.

I have a weird but wonderful sense of humor, I’m a clumsy, accident prone, bad ass cook, who makes a lot of dodgy decisions,  loves shoes, eye candy and her family and friends. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me and loved for being me. So if you can’t handle any of the above, I beg begin dey waka because I’m not going to let your issues become my issues. I have way too many of my own to deal with. Like I wonder if BB guy is a boxers or briefs kinda guy? Oh gosh! What if he’s all commando, all the time?

Erm... Are you ok? You have a glazed look in your eye?

That's it! I'm not letting a commando,candy smelling guy escape my clutches. I shall have my mother sectioned  if necessary. Where's my phone?

Mena!!!! Don't do it! Think of the shame.

Sod shame. Where's the darn thing? Its been vibrating all day but couldn't be bothered to answer it. Was too sad to talk. Now that I want it...Ah! Found it.

15 missed calls and 1 BB convo.

Lord! Can't people just leave me alone? Bet it's my sister looking for gist.

Oh my God!

What?

It's a BB from BB guy!

Well aren't we going to open it?!

Too scared. Can't breathe...