Well I never...

Hey! Snap out of it and open the darn message drama queen.

OK! I can do this. I’ve survived 3 brothers, 2 crazy sisters, a stint in Federal Government College and living with my mother alone deserves a purple heart. So opening a BB message is nothing. Here goes…


BB Boy: Hi!


Phew! All it says is "Hi".

"Hi" is cool.

I can deal with "Hi".

"Hi" doesn’t require too many mental machinations to respond to.

I’ll just say "Hi" back and then we’ll take it from there right?

Then again should I be worried that its just a "Hi"? I mean "Hi" is so impersonal. There's no "I’ve been pining away for you for 2 weeks" in "Hi". Theres no "Mena you wronged me but I cant resist you" in"Hi". What if…


For the love of God. Just respond will you. It ain't rocket science girl. Someone says "Hi" and you say "Hi" back! Geez!

DON’T RUSH ME! I CANT TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE!!!!!!!


Mena: Hello stranger



Darn! Why did I type that? We agreed on me just saying "Hi" back abi? Now he’s going to know that I’ve noticed he ain't been around and that I was bothered by it. Oh Lord! Why couldn’t I just type"Hi!"? Why am I such a dufus?


I swear to God if you start crying again, I will force our organs to  spontaneously combust. Its just a guy Mena. We can do this OK?


OK!



BB Boy: Hi there! Pinged you ages ago.



Mena: Sorry. Been a bit tied up. Just noticed it. So how are you?



BB Boy: I’m cool. Look I’ll just get straight to the point. No offence or anything but you need to get your crazy mother to leave me alone.



What the f*@k ? Where's my "I cant live without you" convo? And no one calls my mother crazy but me. What has the crazy woman done now? She swore to me that she had asked Inspector Lamidi to cease all surveillance detail on him and stand down. She's obviously  lied to me...again.



Mena: Sorry?! I don’t think there’s any need for insults. How would you feel if I called your mother crazy?



BB Boy: Believe me if my mother was having you followed around by MOPO’s and scaring off your dates you can call her any damn thing you want.



En?? Did he say dates? You cheating bastard. While I’ve been losing precious body fluids from crying uncontrollably all week, he’s been getting his dating groove on? Na only MOPO u don see abi? You think my mother is crazy? Wait till you meet the miniature, concentrated version of her...Mena



Mena: I don’t know what you’re talking about. My mother wouldn’t do that( well she would but I ain't telling him that.) Next time I suggest you get your facts straight before you start flinging slanderous accusations about.



BB Boy: Look don’t try and mess me about. I recognize the guys from the other night at your house. They keep telling the LASMA guys near my office to harass me. They arrested my driver for no good reason. The other night they stopped me and my date and kept us there for over an hour claiming that the tyres on my car had been reported stolen and that they had to impound them for forensic examination


He said that word again…Date. Whats that drilling sound? Oh wait, its the sound of my blood rushing through my veins at an alarming rate due the shock of being so easily replaced.



Mena: You know what? It's people like you that are ruining our country.



BB Boy: Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?



Mena: You heard me. What?! Is that you and your so called date are too hot to co-operate with the police in an ongoing investigation?



BB Boy:You’ve got to be kidding me. What friggin' investigation? Nothing was stolen. I WAS DRIVING MY OWN F’ING CAR WHICH WAS PERFECTLY BALANCED ON THE TYRES IT CAME WITH FROM THE SHOWROOM!!!!!



Mena: Don’t you send me messages in caps with multiple exclamations at the end. Who do you think you are? First you insult my mother and then you have the nerve to address me in that tone? You sir, are no gentleman. If everybody acted like you how would we solve any crimes in this great nation of ours?



BB Boy:You’re insane. The crazy gene obviously runs in your family. Thank God I realized it before I got myself entangled with you. To think I was going to ask you to come to my mates wedding in Jos with me. I was actually considering getting serious with you.



Story! If you were really getting serious about me you wouldn’t have let a simple thing like my mother and my family's mental history get in the way.



Mena: Boo hoo. I’m heartbroken. Loser! Your mates are carrying babes like me to Dubai to shop. And you are feeling because you wanted to take me to one of your loser friends wedding in harmattan ridden Jos? Nigga plllleeeeezzzze!



BB Boy: This conversation is so over. Theres no point trying to reason with someone who’s obviously not all there. It's a shame. You’re a pretty girl. Try getting some help for your condition and maybe somebody might consider dating you. Until then just stay away from me or you’ll find out the hard way that you aren’t the only family with military connections.



Mena: Are you threatening me big spender?



BB Boy:Try me and see.



Mena: You’re just priceless. To think I was going to lose my haven’t had sex since the last world cup status with you? Well you can just kiss all that goodbye. I’ll be saving my goodies for someone else.



BB Boy: Really? 4 years?



Hmmm…Am I sensing a change in the waters? Trust a guy to get all mellow when the issue of sex pops into the equation. I might still be able to salvage this situation yet. I might still have a chance with BB Boy.Just need to reel him in gently. Don’t be a garden tool Mena but show him despite his disparaging comments about you and your mama, you are a forgiving soul.



Mena: Yes! Its been 4 years. I’ve been saving myself for the right guy. You know, the one who would complete me. My fellow wandering spirit. Is that you BB Boy? Are you trying to fight your true desires for me by hiding behind all this aggression? Let it out. We’re both adults. Theres no shame in admitting you want me despite my mental peculiarities.



BB Boy: You're right.

We are saying thank you Jesus... Brain,your master has succeed once again in turning a disaster into the beginning of steamy romance. Watch him pour out his heart to me.


Mena: That’s it. Open up to me.



BB Boy: I want you...

Oh gosh, bits of my body that I didn't know existed are tingling.

BB Boy: ...COMMITTED YOU BLINKIN' PSYCHO! NO WONDER YOU’RE FRIGGIN' CRAZY!!! GO GET LAID AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!


Well I never!

I think he’s just taken me off his BB list.