Well I never...

Hey! Snap out of it and open the darn message drama queen.

OK! I can do this. I’ve survived 3 brothers, 2 crazy sisters, a stint in Federal Government College and living with my mother alone deserves a purple heart. So opening a BB message is nothing. Here goes…


BB Boy: Hi!


Phew! All it says is "Hi".

"Hi" is cool.

I can deal with "Hi".

"Hi" doesn’t require too many mental machinations to respond to.

I’ll just say "Hi" back and then we’ll take it from there right?

Then again should I be worried that its just a "Hi"? I mean "Hi" is so impersonal. There's no "I’ve been pining away for you for 2 weeks" in "Hi". Theres no "Mena you wronged me but I cant resist you" in"Hi". What if…


For the love of God. Just respond will you. It ain't rocket science girl. Someone says "Hi" and you say "Hi" back! Geez!

DON’T RUSH ME! I CANT TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE!!!!!!!


Mena: Hello stranger



Darn! Why did I type that? We agreed on me just saying "Hi" back abi? Now he’s going to know that I’ve noticed he ain't been around and that I was bothered by it. Oh Lord! Why couldn’t I just type"Hi!"? Why am I such a dufus?


I swear to God if you start crying again, I will force our organs to  spontaneously combust. Its just a guy Mena. We can do this OK?


OK!



BB Boy: Hi there! Pinged you ages ago.



Mena: Sorry. Been a bit tied up. Just noticed it. So how are you?



BB Boy: I’m cool. Look I’ll just get straight to the point. No offence or anything but you need to get your crazy mother to leave me alone.



What the f*@k ? Where's my "I cant live without you" convo? And no one calls my mother crazy but me. What has the crazy woman done now? She swore to me that she had asked Inspector Lamidi to cease all surveillance detail on him and stand down. She's obviously  lied to me...again.



Mena: Sorry?! I don’t think there’s any need for insults. How would you feel if I called your mother crazy?



BB Boy: Believe me if my mother was having you followed around by MOPO’s and scaring off your dates you can call her any damn thing you want.



En?? Did he say dates? You cheating bastard. While I’ve been losing precious body fluids from crying uncontrollably all week, he’s been getting his dating groove on? Na only MOPO u don see abi? You think my mother is crazy? Wait till you meet the miniature, concentrated version of her...Mena



Mena: I don’t know what you’re talking about. My mother wouldn’t do that( well she would but I ain't telling him that.) Next time I suggest you get your facts straight before you start flinging slanderous accusations about.



BB Boy: Look don’t try and mess me about. I recognize the guys from the other night at your house. They keep telling the LASMA guys near my office to harass me. They arrested my driver for no good reason. The other night they stopped me and my date and kept us there for over an hour claiming that the tyres on my car had been reported stolen and that they had to impound them for forensic examination


He said that word again…Date. Whats that drilling sound? Oh wait, its the sound of my blood rushing through my veins at an alarming rate due the shock of being so easily replaced.



Mena: You know what? It's people like you that are ruining our country.



BB Boy: Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?



Mena: You heard me. What?! Is that you and your so called date are too hot to co-operate with the police in an ongoing investigation?



BB Boy:You’ve got to be kidding me. What friggin' investigation? Nothing was stolen. I WAS DRIVING MY OWN F’ING CAR WHICH WAS PERFECTLY BALANCED ON THE TYRES IT CAME WITH FROM THE SHOWROOM!!!!!



Mena: Don’t you send me messages in caps with multiple exclamations at the end. Who do you think you are? First you insult my mother and then you have the nerve to address me in that tone? You sir, are no gentleman. If everybody acted like you how would we solve any crimes in this great nation of ours?



BB Boy:You’re insane. The crazy gene obviously runs in your family. Thank God I realized it before I got myself entangled with you. To think I was going to ask you to come to my mates wedding in Jos with me. I was actually considering getting serious with you.



Story! If you were really getting serious about me you wouldn’t have let a simple thing like my mother and my family's mental history get in the way.



Mena: Boo hoo. I’m heartbroken. Loser! Your mates are carrying babes like me to Dubai to shop. And you are feeling because you wanted to take me to one of your loser friends wedding in harmattan ridden Jos? Nigga plllleeeeezzzze!



BB Boy: This conversation is so over. Theres no point trying to reason with someone who’s obviously not all there. It's a shame. You’re a pretty girl. Try getting some help for your condition and maybe somebody might consider dating you. Until then just stay away from me or you’ll find out the hard way that you aren’t the only family with military connections.



Mena: Are you threatening me big spender?



BB Boy:Try me and see.



Mena: You’re just priceless. To think I was going to lose my haven’t had sex since the last world cup status with you? Well you can just kiss all that goodbye. I’ll be saving my goodies for someone else.



BB Boy: Really? 4 years?



Hmmm…Am I sensing a change in the waters? Trust a guy to get all mellow when the issue of sex pops into the equation. I might still be able to salvage this situation yet. I might still have a chance with BB Boy.Just need to reel him in gently. Don’t be a garden tool Mena but show him despite his disparaging comments about you and your mama, you are a forgiving soul.



Mena: Yes! Its been 4 years. I’ve been saving myself for the right guy. You know, the one who would complete me. My fellow wandering spirit. Is that you BB Boy? Are you trying to fight your true desires for me by hiding behind all this aggression? Let it out. We’re both adults. Theres no shame in admitting you want me despite my mental peculiarities.



BB Boy: You're right.

We are saying thank you Jesus... Brain,your master has succeed once again in turning a disaster into the beginning of steamy romance. Watch him pour out his heart to me.


Mena: That’s it. Open up to me.



BB Boy: I want you...

Oh gosh, bits of my body that I didn't know existed are tingling.

BB Boy: ...COMMITTED YOU BLINKIN' PSYCHO! NO WONDER YOU’RE FRIGGIN' CRAZY!!! GO GET LAID AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!


Well I never!

I think he’s just taken me off his BB list.

Don't judge me!

Which one of you evil people sent me a note threatening to reveal my true age if I didn’t update my blog? All I can say is God dey! May they not send you such letters when you are busy recuperating from losing the one true love of your life.

En? Who be that?

BB boy of course! What kind of dumb ass question is that? Na everyday I dey love?

Weeellll….

Shut it! Just shut it, shut it, shut it!!!!! The others were nothing but mild amusements. They didn’t have the connection we did. Couldn’t you feel the love in the air Brain? How am I supposed to live now? Boo hooo

I can't live, if living is without you...


Oh God she’s breaking into song again. Mena e don do now. Pity the rest of the house.


I can't live, I can't give anymore


Can't live, if living is without you


I can't give, I can't give anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...


Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Boo hoo!
I can’t give anymore Brain…Booooo hoooooo.

Whyyyyyyyyy???!!!! Why does my life suck? I will never love again.

Boo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


We could have been so happy with little danshiki clad babies running round the house shouting “Mummy I want nono!” Now that will never be and all because of THAT WOMAN! I will never speak to her again.

There, there Mariah  from Ilorin. Stop blaming your mother and using her Egyptian cotton sheets to wipe the snot from your nose. And just a warning for the future…Refrain from crying in front of any man. We are not attractive when we cry. She's said she's sorry and has tried to make it up to you. The generator has been on non-stop  for a whole week just to make you happy. Look, I thought you said under no circumstances were you going to succumb to his charms anyway? So why all the drama?

I know, but he smelt like candy, looked like candy and laughed like Count Dracula. What girl could resist that?

A normal one?

It will take more than her burning diesel to make it up to me. Short of her bringing me an identical BB guy, I ain't interested.



Don’t worry we’ll find you another candy smelling, fruit loop to fall in love with ok? Maybe if we got out of bed, had a shower and brushed our 100% almost human hair we might have a better chance of meeting someone else.

Look leave me jare. Let me wallow in my misery in peace. I shall stay hidden under the duvet until I can no longer stand the smell of my own sweaty body.  I don tire for this Eko jo. Someone book me a flight outta here. I need a new start where people don’t trample on your love life just because they carried you for 9 months and suffered 14 hours of apparently excruciating labour. Story…Can’t have been that bad woman or you would have remained celibate afterwards instead of popping out a couple more kids.I can’t take it here anymore. If I’m not being mentally assaulted by my mother then I’m being judged every where I go.

Nigerians are the most tactless bunch of people I’ve ever met. I mean as far as I’m concerned just because I happen to be a pair of boobs with legs doesn’t make me a whale. I happen to be nicely rounded thank you very much. But the number of comments I get about my curves is bordering on harassment. Must I look like a bonga fish before everybody leaves me alone? Just the other day some pervo client that’s been making my life hell with his unwanted advances sent me a pervy forward. Just I was about to delete it I noticed he had saved my e-mail id as my name and in brackets right after that was the word “Orobo”. I did a quick double take.

Na lie. See this idiot? Not only has he violated me by sending a rather nasty and explicit fwd about boobs. He has the guts to insult my fine self to my virtual face and then copy his gang of no hoper friends into it? I don’t even care if they sack me,  I’m so telling him his life story whilst simultaneously kicking his bony ass. With his wowo,” Never see dentist before teeth” and “Wind no carry me away” suit. Na condition bend crayfish and made you a manager even though you can’t speak English. Otherwise why in hell would I ever interact with you? Upon all my orobo you still want to date me sha? And you think insulting me will make it happen? Wait I dey come. Your great grandchildren will marry before I even get in the same car with you let alone display my so called orobo body in all its naked glory.

Everybody’s got an opinion here. I’m too fat, too short, too poor( I’m not poor! I just like cars that are painted yellow with black stripes),too snobby, too single, too loud, too rude, too old, too boring…the list is endless. At some point I was actually starting to question me!! Can you imagine? The Exotic One actually wondering if she was cute enough, sexy enough, clever enough or hip enough? As if.

Look everyone stop judging me. I’m me! Take me or leave me, that’s your choice but stop trying to change me. I’m not suddenly going to become a size zero, "My handbag defines me" chick with flowing Madagascarn hair. I’m a sophisticated razzo who likes to slob around in her pj’s watching old movies and eating ice-cream out of the tub. I would rather roll around the carpet with my nieces and nephews than spend hours at some fashion show looking at stuff that now cost more than my college education because someone tacked some tassel on a piece of  Ankara.

I have a weird but wonderful sense of humor, I’m a clumsy, accident prone, bad ass cook, who makes a lot of dodgy decisions,  loves shoes, eye candy and her family and friends. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me and loved for being me. So if you can’t handle any of the above, I beg begin dey waka because I’m not going to let your issues become my issues. I have way too many of my own to deal with. Like I wonder if BB guy is a boxers or briefs kinda guy? Oh gosh! What if he’s all commando, all the time?

Erm... Are you ok? You have a glazed look in your eye?

That's it! I'm not letting a commando,candy smelling guy escape my clutches. I shall have my mother sectioned  if necessary. Where's my phone?

Mena!!!! Don't do it! Think of the shame.

Sod shame. Where's the darn thing? Its been vibrating all day but couldn't be bothered to answer it. Was too sad to talk. Now that I want it...Ah! Found it.

15 missed calls and 1 BB convo.

Lord! Can't people just leave me alone? Bet it's my sister looking for gist.

Oh my God!

What?

It's a BB from BB guy!

Well aren't we going to open it?!

Too scared. Can't breathe...

OK! Now you can panic.

…and the sexual electricity in the car is enough to make NEPA redundant and power up the whole of Lagos for a year. Just as I’m puckering up for the snog of my life, he begins to laugh.


“You almost got me there Mena. Was that some kind of test to see if I had honorable intentions towards you? “

Huh?

Test?

No test. Me wan kissy poo.

The only thing I want to test is if your lips fit over mine mugu. I can’t believe it. I’m practically handing myself over to him on a plate and he’s playing the "Gentleman". Does he know there are men that would kill to be in his shoes right now? I mean if it was Boli Lover or Alhaji, I wouldn’t even have finished the sentence before I found myself in the backseat with my La Perla’s hanging off the rear view mirror.

“Well I do. Not looking to fool around.” He says kissing me on the forehead

Whatever Sir Lancelot. Keep your chaste kisses to yourself. I can’t plan a future with you so the least you could do is give up some hot loving. Argh!!! Just take my deprived ass home.

He’s nattering on about God knows what as he drives towards my place but I’m no longer listening. I’m contemplating how long I’ll have to spend in jail if I manage to overpower him, drag him into the backseat and have my way with him. What is he? 5’10, maybe 120 pounds? I can take him. I’m sure tales of Kirikiri are all exaggerated and anyway I’m bound to lose weight in there. Darn! It’s too late. Home already.

Fine Lord you win. I shall obviously not be getting my groove on tonight or any other night till my wedding day.

He honks his horn to get the guard to open the gate and while we are waiting another car pulls up behind us.

Oh Lord why?!!! Is this my punishment for contemplating naughtiness?

It’s my mother’s car!!

What’s she doing here? She didn’t say anything about coming down to Lagos today?

I’m trapped. Even if I get out of the car and leg it, BB guy is blocked in. She would be on him like a rash before the poor guy could even say “Hi”.

Great! Here she comes.

My mother makes her way up to the car, ignores me totally and knocks on BB Guys window.

He gives me a puzzled look and I hide my face in embarrassment. Thank God I can’t marry him because this is definitely going to be the last time he’ll ever want to see me.

“It’s my mother.” I say.

“Oh! Cool!”

oh! You silly boy. This experience will be anything but cool.
He lowers his window and says “Good evening ma.”

“En hen… Good evening. Who are you and why is my daughter in your car at this time of night?”

“Mummy please.” I say. Trying to cut her off before she can say anything to damage my rep.

“Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name?”


“Mummy we just went out. So please stop bothering my friend with your questions.”


“N'gbo friend…are you bothered by my questions? Or doesn’t a mother have a right to ask where her unmarried daughter is coming from at this time of night?”


“Er…of course you do ma. We just went to watch a movie and I’m sorry if it’s late.”

“Look BB Guy no need to explain. I’m sorry about this.” I say getting out of the car

“Mummy, please tell Tony to reverse so he can get out.”

It’s like I’m not even speaking because the next thing she does is open his door and tell him to get out of the car.

“Come out my son let me see you. You’re very handsome o. Mena... he is handsome o. You try.”

“Mummy!”


“So are you married?”


“No ma!”


“Are you sure? Don’t think because I’m smiling with you I will not get my boys to deal with you mercilessly if I find out you are trying to turn my daughter into your concubine.”


“I would never dream of that ma.”

“Good boy!” Says my mother breaking into a big grin.

“So fine boy with fine car. My daughter is fine abi? A little fat but I’m sure by the time you marry her and start using her in the way the good Lord intended you will burn all that fat right off her. You look very agile. You actually remind me of my husband at your age. Her father and I could…”


“MOTHER PLEASE!”

I’m absolutely mortified. What on earth is wrong with this woman? Why does she think everyone wants to hear her reminisce about her love life? In one night, she has managed to achieve what my enemies having been trying to do for 2 decades…ruin my life. By the time he tells all his friends and they circulate the news like wildfire around Lagos, no sane man will ever want to date me again. Well, at least BB guy will no longer be available to me for lusting purposes after this, so that’s one problem solved.

“Why are you shouting? Can't me and your friend talk again? Or you are jealous?” she says laughing hysterically.

“Don’t worry. I m not stealing your boyfriend away.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”


“You are not a serious woman. At your age you are still doing we are just friends? Look! Young man. We are not looking for friends in this family o. We are looking for in-laws, so if you are not ready to become one oya enter your car and go.”

Poor BB guy looks like he just woke up and found himself in a bad horror movie. He tries to get back in his car but my mother pulls him back.

“You mean true true you are going to go? You don’t want to marry my daughter?”

“Well Ma…”says BB guy who has now broken into a cold sweat and is having trouble getting his words out.

“…It’s our first date and we’re still getting to know each other so haven’t really thought about marriage.”

My mother gives him the evils and shouts for the MOPO’s.

At this stage, even I have gone past embarrassed and I’m actually slightly concerned about the crazed look in her eye.

“Mummy please, just leave him alone and let him go.”


“Lamidi!” says my mother ignoring me.

“Write down this boy’s license plate number and find out where he lives. He is to report here every evening for a month to come and get to know Mena. Should he not turn up even for one day, you are to go and find him and bring him here by force if necessary. After one month of getting to know her I either expect to see my future in-laws here with kola for her father or a full report on the reason why my daughter is not marriage material. Understood?”


“Yes ma!”

Shame…kill me now.

“Tony reverse and let him go. As for you Mena…enter house.”

Without even so much as a look in my direction, BB Guy gets in his car and zooms out of there and out of my life for good.

This is going to be my last post people. I don’t think they have Internet in Kirikiri, which is where I’ll be tomorrow after I’m arrested for killing my mother.

OK! Nobody panic but...

Oh my God! Is that a blinkin' spot on my cheek?

I’ve had perfect skin for the whole year and then today of all days, this! As if that wasn't bad enough, I have nothing to wear!! Despite the 7 large suitcases I bribed customs to allow into the country, my wardrobe is a veritable desert of style. Damn! My shrinking waistline. Who said losing weight would make me even more stylish? They lied dammit! Or at least they should have mentioned the bank I would have to rob to replace my previous designer laden wardrobe. What am I going to do? I have a date and nothing to wear.


Did you say date? I thought you said you were just meeting up with a friend? Ah ah! No wonder you haven’t eaten solid food in three days and you almost peeled off the top layer of your skin in the name of salt scrubbing. Ashawo!

Whatever Brain. This is why I don’t always think true thoughts because I know you’ll be all up in my face about boring things like morals, logic and the way normal people behave. Yes! I’m going on a date. Yes!He’s just a friend and yes it’s too late to talk me out of it.

Se bi we are going together? No probs. You better start praying I don’t decide to make your left eyelid start twitching uncontrollably halfway through dinner. Let’s see how hot your so called "Friend" will think you are when he assumes you have a mental condition.

You wouldn’t?

Try me. So which one of your so called friends are we meeting up with?

Well remember BB Boy? The guy  my mate Speedy Gonzales tried to hook me up with?  He finally crawled out of the woodwork a couple of months ago, very contrite about the whole standing up issue. So unlike me, but I forgave him but decided never to agree to meet up with him again. At least that was the plan.

Which kin forgiveness is that one? Do you own a different version of the Bible from everybody else?

Whatever! Anyway we started bbing and turns out  he’s like the male version of me! So how could I resist when he asked me out again?

Male version of you? Craze + Craze? Lord help us! Se you know I can’t allow such a union to occur for the sake of the entire universe? Can you imagine what would happen if you had kids?

Uuuhhh! Lil’ Mena & BB babies. Yum. Anyway, we got on really well and darn is he hot but unfortunately, as is always the case with my crappy love life, there was just one little snag...

He’s gay? Sane? A cross dresser? Mummy’s boy?

Nope! He’s not Christian!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh|!!!!!
So mentally I’ve been trying to convince myself not to get all dewy eyed and lustful over him seeing as we can only ever be friends. In the good ol' days when I did not fear the wrath of the Lord, I would just have had my evil way with him and dumped him the minute I spotted someone who was more marriage material. Alas! I am now a changed woman and he will never get to play naughty schoolboy and saucy miss with moi. Kinda makes me wonder why I’m bothering to wear matching La Perla underwear?

Because once an ashawo always an ashawo. I’m sure by the end of dinner you will have convinced yourself that you’re going back to his place to pray for his conversion to Christianity and that sleeping with him is your own sacrifice towards building a greater Christian army abi?

Weeeellllll….

See ya life?

Look Brain I don’t have time for this. He’ll be here in 30 minutes and I’m still in my underwear.

You might as well go like that and save the poor boy the money he will spend on dinner, seeing as the only thing you want won’t be on the restaurant menu.

Ignoring you now. I am a strong Christian woman and will not be led astray by hotness, a naughty sense of humor and witty banter. I can do this.

Ye! I can’t do this o!

My own don finish. He’s turned up to pick me up and before I even see him… I see the car. Now I know what guys mean when they say they’ve got a ha.. on for a car. Guess what he came to pick me up in?

My Porchy Baby!!!!

Brain! Its like devil’s saying “See what you get if you allow naughty Mena to come out and play?”

We no go let her come out like this?

Hey! Brain stop making my eyelids twitch!

Fine! No naughty miss.

It took every ounce of self control to stop myself from running to the car, putting my head on its bonnet and stroking its lovely grey metallic finish. Instead I walked over, got in and was faced with the next temptation of the evening…Hot BB Guy.

Hot car +Hot guy + Mena who hasn’t had either in a while = Straight to hell and a very lucky BB boy.

All through out the evening I kept having to tell myself not to get all sex kitten on the poor guy. Just friends. No accidental touching, lips brushing ears whilst whispering in the cinema (Don’t mess with me o. I’m a pro.) or come hither gazes. Well at least I won’t be doing that but if he feels led to then who am I to stop him.

On the way home, mine not his before you all start shouting, he cracks a joke about being a gentleman and taking me straight home rather than to his place and maybe it was the sugar rush from all that popcorn, the uncomfortable thong that nobody but me was going to appreciate or the endless months in the snogless desert, but something in me just snapped and I said...

"I know enough gentlemen, why don’t you try being something different?"

Ennnnnn! Ashawo with first class honours! How did you manage to get that sentence past my ashawo defence system?

He looks at me.

I look at him

Porchy Baby looks at both of us, quietly screaming “Don’t you dare get busy on my Italian leather interior!!!” and ….

Bunny Boilers wanted!

You people are not serious o.


Why are you all harassing me for my life story? I have told you the necessary lubricant needed to fix my rusty blogging wheels...Money!  And since you have all refused to cough up so I can be a bigz girl, I will tell my story when and if I please. Abi na by force?

Have you noticed that you’re becoming razzer by the day girl?

Ki lo mean?

That’s what I mean.

Oh! I have become a tad local in my delivery of the English language. That’s why I need to leave these ibi ise people and hang with my fellow posh speaking compatriots. And how am I supposed to do that if I’m giving you people freebies all the time?

Anyway, for the sake of peace I will continue with the story but first…

I know what I want to do with my life now. My calling was revealed to me yesterday whilst watching Fatal Attraction. I will become a psycho stalker girlfriend for hire. I will set up an agency of highly trained women to stalk and terrorise the cheating male population. Wives & girlfriend's can hire us to teach their straying boos a lesson. By the time I'm done carving " I love you and I'll rather kill you than lose you" on to the side of  his brand new jeep, he will be too scared to even look at his own mother let alone another woman.

Okkkk…What’s brought on this drastic career change then?

Well, walking home yesterday...

Ennnnn!!! Bigz girl you dey waka? Chai upon all the mouth.

Will you come on shut up. My office is round the corner from my house. No point polluting the planet any further. Think of the ozone layer dammit!

Lagos no get ozone layer. Talk true you no get money for red cab again abi?

I'm ignoring you commoner. 

As  I was saying...Walking home and guess who happened to see me and start honking?

Ain't got a clue?

Alhaji! Alhaji!!

I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen him but he came out of his car and started calling my name. See this alakoba. It's bad enough I have to walk through Lagos traffic and everyone thinks I’m poor, now he wants them to know my name as well. Rather than further embarrass myself by letting him scream my name any louder, I acknowledge his presence with a quick wave.

"Are you going home?" he says, ignoring the fact that all the bored motorists are now staring at us hoping for gist.

No ode! I just like to walk the streets of Lagos.

"Yes. Just off home. Nice to see you."


"Let me drop you off."

"It's fine. I’m almost there and you’re heading the wrong way anyway."


"I don't mind. I’ll turn the car around."


"In this traffic? It’s really quicker for me to walk."


"Come on. It will give us a chance to talk."


"About?"

"You know" he says giving me a sexy gap toothed grin.

I no know o! Get thee behind me evil fornicator. In front of all these gbeborun drivers you want to koba me? It’s OK. I can now see that refusing your advances is not the way to go.

You want to date me abi? You go date me tire.

Ladies! Some men just don’t know the meaning of the word "NO!". They assume they are too hot to be rejected and your constant refusals are you playing hard to get. I mean, you’ve read my blog and I have made it clear that ain't interested right? So I think its time to move to plan B.

Now before I start, let me just warn you that plan B is not for the faint hearted. For it to fully work you must be a little crazy, which I am and fully committed to The Exotic Ones 5 step plan  to rid yourself of pests. Once you can accept these terms we are good to go…



Step 1: Pests never give up. It is their sole aim in life to win. So they will continue to harass you in the hope that one day you will be too depressed and lonely to know what you are doing and agree to meet up with them, sleep with them etc. So next time he calls or BB’s don’t ignore him. Respond. Be very friendly. Welcome his advances and agree to meet up with him. Lure him into a false sense of security. He’ll be thinking “Ashawo don gree at last. I’ve still got it” and you’ll be thinking “Now your ass is mine you cheating cockroach”.

Step 2: This is very important!!! The morning after your conversation/meeting, send this text/BB message

Good morning Love of my life. Dreamt about our wedding last night. It’s a sign that we are destined to be. I'm so glad you brought me round to your way of thinking. So what colour shirt are you wearing today so we can colour co-ordinate.

A normal man will take this as a sign that all ain’t right in this particular girl’s world and start to back away. But believe me there will be those who are a tad slow and will be feeling like a "G" thinking "There’s no way she ain’t gonna let me hit that." There will also be others who know you're  probably crazy but then decide they ain’t ever done a crazy chick and keep a coming.

Step 3: By lunch time of the same day, ensure that you have called every hour on the hour to ask if he’s missed you. Make sure you address him by a new term of endearment every time he’s stupid enough to pick up the phone…Hello darling, sweetum’s, o lo lu fe mi, my yori yori... The possibilities are endless. At some point during the day he will eventually stop taking your calls. You will then move on to e-mails, text messages and BBing. Only when he has blocked your e-mails and removed you from his BB list can you stop but not before he notices that you have changed your BB status to “The soon to be Mrs…..”

Step 4: A normal guy should be really turned off by now. But judging from my experience most pests aren’t normal. They are still hoping to hit it and run and like I said some guys are turned on by needy and crazy. So you’re gonna have take it up a notch and give him crazy. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do but it must involve public humiliation. I suggest waiting for him outside his office wearing a t-shirt that says “Insert pest's name here My O lo lu fe mi works here” and dancing to the tune of the talking drummers you have hired to serenade him out of the office into his car.

Step 5: This is usually not necessary after the public humiliation. At this point he should have snapped, threatened to deal with you and warned you never to come near him again. If he hasn’t then I beg just sleep with the bobo so you can move on with your life because his own crazy don pass my own.

Anyway I am expecting Alhaji to call any day now and then his cheating ass is mine.

As for my life story...might continue in my next post or I might not.

Darn it's good having all the power.

In the beginning...

On many occasions people have asked me…


Exotic One (You thought I would forget my new chosen name abi?) why can’t you be nice and rational like other people?

Normally I would respond with a well aimed Waka or if I am within arse kicking distance… Haya! Who is not nice and rational? Take that and that!

Well, today I am in a good mood so I will tell you why I am like this but in order to delve deep into The Exotic One’s psyche we must start at the beginning….

Once upon a time (That’s my personal biographer. All the bigz girlz have one), many years ago...

“Hey! Dey send you come? Easy on the "Many" mate. Don’t want people thinking I am already claiming my pension.”

Sorry. Let’s begin again.


Once upon a time, not too many years ago, there lived a very handsome Policeman and a beautiful Dental Hygienist. The Policeman was very much in love with The Dental Hygienist but knew she came from a strict Muslim family and would never entertain the idea of marrying a Christian. So he hid his feelings and spent his days having unnecessary dental work done just so he could be near her. During a rather painful tooth extraction(totally unnecessary but worth every ounce of pain as he could just about see the top of her boobs every time she bent over), The policeman, high on morphine, finally declared his undying love and proposed to The Dental Hygienist, who was so shocked, she pulled out the wrong tooth.


The Dental Hygienist, who had always had a secret crush on The Policeman, was thrilled to bits that he felt the same way. Having just broken up with her steady boyfriend, Mechanic by day, Palm wine tapper by night Guy, she had been feeling a tad despondent about her future marriage prospects. All her other friends were married and she was starting to panic over when she was going to meet someone else.


But as the say, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”. To think her future husband had been coming here all this time to get his teeth whitened and he was such a catch too. A policeman, which meant he got a pretty decent, regular pay packet (This was in the good ol' days people. When the law and a uniform  meant something dammit!) and he drove a Mercedes (Sadly The Dental Hygienist was a tad too much of a romantic/gold digger and neglected to focus on more important aspects like personality etc). God, her friend Lara would just die of envy. To think she had been jealous of her and her husbands Suzuki motorcycle. Well, let’s see who’ll be green with envy now. There was only one problem standing in the way of The Dental Hygienists dream…her parents.

I believe you may be starting to see some similarities now.

The Dental Hygienist came from a strict Muslim home and had been brought up to always believe she would marry a Muslim. She was a very dutiful daughter and would usually never do anything to upset her parents but on this occasion she decided to be brave and tell them of The Policeman’s marriage proposal and how she wanted to accept it. Several hot slaps and “Over my dead bodies” later. The Dental Hygienist lay sobbing on her bed wondering why her parents hated her and if she would ever be happy again. The thought of Lara never being green with envy and how she might have to take back her cheating palm wine tapping boyfriend just so she could get married and leave home, was too much for her to bear and she contemplated topping herself. Then a little voice in her head said

You do know you don’t have to do everything your parents tell you

“Yes I do”

Well have a happy life washing Mechanic by Day,Palm Wine Tapper by nights, oil stained overalls then.

“Oh God! I can’t but they would never forgive me if I went behind their backs”

They’re your parents. They will forgive you and even if they don’t, you get to ride around in a Mercedes. All your friends will hate you. They’ll say they are happy for you but deep down they’ll hate you for being so lucky.

“It does have leather seats and a cassette player” (Ah! The simple days. Me I ain’t greeing for anyone that doesn’t have state of the art CD/TV & Blu Ray player in their car o. I don talk my own)

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re thinking like a grown up. What the hell are you waiting for? Your key word for today is “Elopement”.

So having convinced herself that her parents would one day forgive her. The Dental Hygienist packed a little bag and snuck out of her house that night and into the arms of The Policeman. They were married at the Registry office the very next day. (You have to give my Mama props sha. Damn! The girl is fast)

On hearing the disastrous news that his oldest daughter had given herself to an infidel without even so much as a bottle of Schnapps in bride price, Alhaji Dental Hygienist, sharpened his trusty cutlass and set off to seek vengeance. No one was going to stop him from cutting of The Policeman’s head even if it meant spending the rest of eternity in jail. As far as he was concerned jail might not even be such a bad idea if it got him away from Alhaja Dental Hygienist’s constant nagging about money, food etc. Come to think of it. Now that The Dental Hygienist was married, she would have to look after her aging parents. She had said something about him being in the police force and he knew they got paid well, not to mention the fact that it wouldn’t hurt to have some police muscle within the family to make sure no one was rude to him again (Alhaji Dental Hygienist was a very short man often referred to as Baba Kukuru and Half measure which peed him the hell off).

As Alhaji Dental Hygienists little brain kept whirring, he’s steps got slower. Until he was standing by the side of the road grinning to himself about how he could turn his silly daughters treachery into his good fortune. Afterall, it was better to have a daughter married to a rich heathen that could put people in jail than a cheating Palm wine tapper. Several cartons of Schnapps later and an oath from The Policeman that he would convert to Islam(Which he obviously never did. Men! They will tell you the sky is orange if it gets them into your knicker), the Alhaji welcomed him to into the family and promptly sent him to arrest his neighbour for calling him "Alhaji Kunkulu".


The Policeman and The Dental Hygienist went on to do great things. They moved to Lagos with their little family but our real story begins ladies and gentleman on the 7th day of January 197….

Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about dates relating to my age?

Sorry Exotic One. It won’t happen again.

Darn skippy it won’t happen again. You’re fired. I’ll tell my own darn story. If you want something done right, then do it yourself. Let’s see, where were we? Blah blah blah…Yeah right, so ladies and gentlemen our real story begins on the 7th of January 19 none of your beeswax, when The Policeman & The Dental Hygienist gave birth to a little princess and called her Mena.

Obviously they had other children at this stage but they were all inconsequential as far as their little princess, Mena was concerned. Born with lovely smooth caramel complexion and a gummy smile that could melt any heart, Mena was the apple of her parent’s eye.

Mena got only the best. Whilst her other older siblings were raised on pap and cerelac, She was only given the finest imported baby food. Whilst they pushed rusty tires down the streets, Mena played with her baby Lego and silver My Little Pony rattle. Whilst they others fought over the mangy family pet, Bingo the dog. Mena had her own  little pony called “Esin mi Trixibelle (My horse Trixibelle)”. Yep! Mena had it good. She didn’t want for anything and had her parent’s undivided attention

So when did it all start to go wrong you wonder?

Yes Mummy & Daddy dearest. When did it all start to go wrong for the apple of your eye? Could it be 13 months later when someone forgot to read their family planning leaflet and bam, bam…Two more members of the clan. The moment I saw those 2 little bawling faces in the hospital I realized that the life I deserved wasn’t going to happen. These 2 interlopers were sent to pour sand sand in my garri.

So what happened next Me...We mean Exotic One?

God save you.

Well you will have to wait until my autobiography is published and pay N100, 000 pere for a copy.

Jokers! You all think you are smart abi? You want hear better gist for free? Shio…Wait for me I am coming.

Is that the sound of my standards dropping?

Na lie! Today is the day I never thought I would see. Upon all my hotness…Bad Weave get boyfriend before me. I no longer want to live in a world where this is possible. Brain shut down all vital organs now and let us leave this cruel, cruel world.


You and who? You are on your own o. I’m not leaving any world until I experience big girl living and lampashing that makes our toes curl.

See you? Why are you so cheap?

Dey ask me.

It's not your fault. Anyway, he came to see her in the office today and whilst he ain’t bad looking, the pointy alligator shoes and the inability to complete a sentence without saying “Sho mo?” was like a soothing balm to my pain. It makes sense that razzos would attract razzo’s. I mean look at her today.

Where the hell did she get that shirt? I think I can actually see my face in its highly reflective surface. Who knew kitchen foil fabrics were the next big thing in fashion? And those jeans??!!!! Didn’t she get the fashion memo? Stone wash don die now. I beg let it rest in peace and stop trying to resurrect it. Bad Weave girl…I salute you! You have once again managed to turn dress down Thursdays into a day of thanksgiving, that I was one of the first people on the queue the day the good Lord was dishing out styyylllleee.

I can see you eyeing my cute black French connection playsuit and Miss Sixty flip flops. Pele! It must be hard not being me. Actually maybe being me is not so great anymore. I mean if she can nab a man in her the “The blind must see clothing” and dodgy hair. What's the point of being fabulous when all I seem to attract are horny pervs? BOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Almost at the end of a truly torturous week. I can go home and soothe my pain with ice cream and cheap alcohol. I know a lot of you are muttering under your breath about my lack of posts during the week and all I can say to your valid complaints is “Kiss my heiny! Kiss it! Kiss it! Kiss it!”

Mena!!!

What?! I’m in pain jo and I have told you that I am a free and exotic spirit and will no longer let your boring, socially acceptable constraints hold me back. Allow me to be free o. If I want to insult members of the general reading public just leave me to express myself.

OK then. Knock yourself out exotic one.

Hmm.. I like that...Exotic one. That’s it!  From now one I shall no longer be known as Mena. You shall all call me "The Exotic One”.

OK Exotic. Heads up! The Human Boli approaches

Are you crazy? Can't you follow a simple instruction? I said “The Exotic One” not “Exotic”. That just sounds like a filthy go go bar.

What does this one want now?

Boli Lover, who has just returned from his banishment in Ivory Coast after a failed sales negotiation, plants his polyester /nylon mix covered behind on my desk and cracks a “One day u go gree” smile at me.

I match his “You go gree” with a “Not in this or any other lifetime mate” smile and finish him off with a “You need to respect yourself “ gaze. Joker! He’s only been back 1 day and he’s already started harassing me with his dry convo.

“So fine girl! Wetin dey now? “

“Nuthin”

“ I've really missed you girl"

Ewww...Down boy.

"You’re looking so  good today." He says, he's eyes resting too long on my assets for my liking.

Agbaya! Gbe oju re so oke.

 "In fact, I'm sure  you must have found some guy that’s really taking care of you?”

Story. Is this his way of trying to find out if I hooked up with someone whilst he was away? Like I'm going to fall for that. Keep guessing mate.

You have to admire his persistence though. If getting girls was based on effort he wouldn’t be able to leave his house with the women camped outside his door. Alas! Its based on hot looks, witty repertoire and the ability to buy me dinner somewhere where all the food isn’t displayed in a heated buffet rack.

But after this latest development with Bad Weave and my ongoing “NORMAL”man drought, maybe I should stop fighting him and just succumb to a life of sequined, see through lace iro and buba’s and children that say “Maami! Hunger dey wire me.”

Mena what are you saying? Snap out of  your self pitying state immediately. We have never and will never stoop that low. For Gods sake look at the man. He can barely button his shirt over his enormous stomach and he’s got bigger boobs than you.

Yes but…

No buts. We have waited this long and we shall continue to wait until the right one comes along.

But Bad Weave…

Forget her. The guy probably sings Fuji whilst lampashing her. Is that what you want?

No but…

A Fuji singing lampsher who wants you to wear stone wash clothing?

No

Cause if that’s what you want,I can make it happen

I said Noooo Brain!!!

Good. Now pull yourself together.

Sniff…Fine! But its not fair. Why do all men just want to sleep with me?

I know I'm hot and my assets walk into the room before I do but still. There is more to me than 100% Brazilian hair (no mangy Bar beach horse hair mixed into this weave. Mena’s coming up in the world), sexy dresses and a face that lights up the room. I'm intelligent, funny, make my own money, can be caring when I'm in the mood, can cook and I can even contort my ample frame into interesting bendy shapes. Really if that ain't wife material I don’t know what is? And yet all I get are pervs. I need reassurance that I'm more than just hot.

I call my mate Loony Dude

“Hey Loony! Would you marry me if we weren’t friends?”

“Nope. Not in a million years.”

"You seem pretty sure about that?Why?”

“You know you craze now? I no fit put craze woman for house. My mama no go gree. “


“Be serious jare. Why do guys just want to shag me?”


“Cause that’s what guys do and anyway you’re way too sexual. You’re always hair tossing, giggling, giving seductive “take me now “ looks.


“E mi ? Never!”

“Oh you do Missy. You might not know you’re doing it but I doubt that. So within the first 5 minutes of meeting you all the guy is thinking of is where’s the nearest closet so I can have my evil way with her.


“That’s so not fair. Yes I might be a little flirtatious when I see someone I like but who isn’t?”


“You see its just not with people you like. You do it with everyone, that’s why the entire male staff of Shoprite are always trying to look down your dress.

"So what are you saying? Men don't like flirty women?"

"Oh we like em. We just dont marry them. Ciao"

Really??? Can it be so? Is this "Normal" man drought my doing? Am I driving them away with an overabundance of sexy pheremones? But I can't help it if I ooze sex appeal.

Sod Loony Dude. What the hell does he know?

I’ll call my sis. She’ll be honest.

"Sis am I a flirt?"

"How the hell would I know? Look don’t put me under pressure with your questions. I'm busy. Market Boy caught me wearing matching underwear today and wahala don happen. He is demanding I take casual leave at once and return home to show him what his bride price money paid for."

"Okkkk. Don’t you usually wear matching underwear or why the drama?"

"What for? You want to kill me? Look at the trouble they have caused already. That's why they only come out on special occasions. Look go away and don’t koba me. He’s threatening to call mum and tell her I'm depriving him of his rights and you know what mums like when it comes to to stuff like that."

Click

One of these days…

Maybe I should ask Mum. She claims to be an authority on all things Man  catching related.

"Mummy somebody called me a flirt. Do you think its true?"

"You? Are they blind? You with your “Sun no fit touch my body” clothing and 8 inch Brazilian hair. I beg let me hear word. Sometimes I wonder if you are really my daughter? When I was your age I didn’t even have enough days to date all the men that wanted me but look at you. Monday to Sunday you are at home burning my diesel and eating my food.. You better go and see how your mates are doing it and stop wasting time. Anyway your father and I have decided that if you don’t bring anyone home before the end of the year we are spending your wedding money on a round the world cruise. A word is enough for the wise.


My own fantasy dream wedding money on a holiday?

Ko le sele.

I beg Boli Lover come, make we talk better thing. A little dieting, some new clothes and we might yet turn you into marriage material.

Business + Pleasure = Bad idea

See me see trouble o. Oyinbo no gree leave me alone.


Damn my Nubian hotness and awesome personality. Why must everyone want me?

Er...not sure everyone does.

Shut up! I dey ask u? Nonsense.


Let me get on with my story jare...

After he broke the news yesterday that he was an equal opportunity employer…All races, genders and religions welcome. I explained to him as best as I could that I respected his outlook on life but would be a tad uncomfortable embracing that way of life myself. So thanks, but no thanks to the “Get to know each other better” offer.

He accused me of being close minded…

“You need to embrace life and stop following the herd”

Baaaaahhhh…meet Mena the Sheep. Leave me to follow my heterosexual herd. I will have enough trouble preventing my man from looking at other women and you now want to throw men into the mix as well? O se gan but I would have to blind you and keep you in a cave to have any peace of mind. Not sure either of us would enjoy that much, so lets just let this be.

“Look Oyinbo Guy, you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine. As a person it just doesn’t fit in with my belief system. It doesn’t mean I’m right or wrong. It just means we’ve chosen to walk different paths. We can be mates”

“I’m attracted to you, so that might be hard”

Ah! Who isn’t? But you’ll be fine. The pain fades with time.

“Is this a religion thing? Cause I know you Africans tend to take your religious beliefs quite seriously?” He  says.


Yep! Darn right we take it seriously. We believe in a power higher than Microsoft and Santa Claus.

“Personally I think religion is just another way for the people in charge to control us. I was brought up a catholic but I renounced all religion a couple of years ago.”

I beg Mena, dress back small.

“You renounced all religion?”

Mennnnaa! Stop talking and dress back.

“Yep! I’m an atheist and happier for it.”

WILL YOU COME ON MOVE YOUR CHAIR BACK NOW BEFORE THE LIGHTENING THAT THE GOOD LORD SENDS TO TURN HIS ASS TO DUST,TAKES YOU OUT TOO!!!!!

I’m with you on this one Brain. Removing myself from his vicinity now.

“Oh gee! Is that the time? I really have to get home. Early meeting tomorrow.” I say doing the ol' yawn and stretch routine.

“Really? I was hoping we could have some dinner and maybe talk some more.”

It's alright. No more talking is  necessary. Could have pretended I misunderstood the fact that you like a little Johnson/Happy stick every now and then. Could even have convinced myself that after one night with Mena you’ll be all "Hetero", all the time(Yes! I am that good. If they gave awards I'd have no more room on my dresser). But this not believing in anything issue don pass me. If I end up with you I know the next step will be wife swapping and wearing PVC to worship goblins in the woods. Forget Red cab. This situation calls for a speedy get away…Yellow Cab or Okada will do.

“ I’m sorry. Sure we can catch up at the office tomorrow.” I say as I get up to leave.

"I hope I haven’t offended you?"

Offended me ke? Forget me mate. It's not me you should be worried about.You might not want to die until you repent sha.

“Not at all. Just not very good with my drink. Need to sleep it off. Bye!"

So long you very hot but very weird man.

Phew! Safely back in my Jesus loving house.

I take a long hot shower and by the time I come out, I have 3 missed calls, 2 texts and a BB, all from him.

Was actually worried something was wrong and so BB’d back.

Mena: Hi is everything OK?

Oyinbo Guy: Yeah! Just in bed and wanted to hear your voice. You know you have a very sexy voice don’t you?”

See this cheap ass man. He wants to use me to get his kicks before bedtime. He better dial an 0800 number and stop disturbing me. Seeing as his chat wasn’t business related I terminate the convo and switch off my phone. I’ll deal with the consequences in the morning.

I switch on my phone in the morning and in come the texts and BB messages. Oh Lord! What have I done? If it was just a regular guy I could just kick him to the kerb. But he’s a client so my tactics need to be a tad different. He leaves this evening so all I have to do is get through today. I consider calling in sick but they probably wouldn’t buy it. I’ll just have to go in and clean up my mess.

I walk into the office and guess who is perched on the edge of my desk waiting for me? My entire department is present and I’m so not looking forward to a show down in front of them

"Hi! I’ve been trying to reach you." he says accusingly

What's his point? My own mother has been trying to reach me for the past 2 days to discuss the huge availability of single men in Ilorin but ain't answering her so what makes you so special? I beg let me hear word.


"Really? Must be the network."


"Everything OK? You look a little tired. I guess I shouldn’t have kept you up so late last night?" He says giggling like a school boy.

“I was hoping I could take you out to lunch later. You know, give us a chance to continue where we left off?”

See this Were! He just had to open his big mouth? And whats with the giggling and innuendo? He’s just making the whole thing sound sordid. Like something happened. I can just imagine what the rest of the room is thinking.

On hearing "Last night" and "Keeping you up", the whole department goes quiet.

Ladies Man is looking at me and nodding his head like “Now I see. No wonder I wasn’t getting anywhere with you. You only like white meat.”


Bad Weave Chick is muttering something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like “Ashaaawo London.”


Even Grumpy is staring at me with his mouth open. He finally closes it, walks up to us and says


“Miss Mena, can I have a word please?”


Great! So never mixing business with pleasure again.

The Client is always right??

I’m in the office playing mind games on Rat Boy.


Ah ah! You never forgive this boy Mena?

Please o! No one should come and change my parade(Lynxxx management! Pay me for the subtly placed marketing of your song). I don’t come over to your office to tell you how to deal with your pain in the backside work colleagues, now do I?

No. But….

En hen. No need to continue. Leave me in peace to get my kicks where I can.

As I was saying, I have realized that if you put too many big words in a sentence when you’re talking to him, his brain kind of short circuits. You can just see the little hamster he’s got up there is peddling for dear life, trying to get a grasp of what you are saying.

I just said to him...


“Please can you dispensate with all the irrelevant data on your report and focus on giving a more concise overview of the current financial infrastructure of the bank in relation to our proposed business solution?”



His response to that being



"Ogini?"



If I was in a good mood with him I would just have said



“This report is too long. Keep it simple. Just need to know if the client can afford us.”


In a very, very good mood I would simply have said


“Oga, I beg! Who you wan kill with story? Your bank get money to buy or make we waka?”


Alas! I am no way in a good mood. I'm hung over, pissed off and I feel dirty.


Dirty? 

I had a dream about Ladies Man. He was in my bedroom, naked and there was smooching involved(Yuck…pass the sick bucket).


Na lie! Has it reached that stage Mena? We need to find you a man fast.


Luckily, I refrained from any further dodgy activities when I realized my “Tiny Willy” radar had not deceived me in real life. If Ladies Man was rich there would be a whole lot of big, fast cars in his life to compensate for  mother nature's stinginess in that department. Probably why he's always adjusting his trousers...making sure what little he's got is still there.

Anyway, less time dissing, more time looking for relevant bible verses to deflect any dream world marriages or getting busy sessions. My mother must not hear of this or I’ll be up some mountain in Kwara State for 40 days and nights, eating grass in order to deflect the evil forces.

I’m keeping an eye on him today to make sure he doesn’t have a self-satisfied grin on his face. Nope! He looks pretty stressed by work and has barely spoken all day. He’s either innocent of trying to dream lampash me or he’s depressed by the fact that I now know he’s not all man, like he pretends to be.

Anyway this is probably a sign from God on who I’m going to end up with if I don’t stop sinning by lusting after inappropriate “I am entitled to marry more than 1 wife” hotties. But its not my fault Lord. They just wont leave me alone. Everywhere I go there is always some “No go” guy trying to hit on me. Take yesterday for instance.

Grumpy came to my desk the other day and told me we had a client from Madrid coming over to meet some of our business partners and it had been decided that I should take charge of the activities during his stay.

What blinking activities? I’m exhausted from all my local jet setting and now they want me to play nursemaid to some pot bellied Spanish man? Doesn’t anyone else get nominated to do anything in this office??

But imagine my surprise when, come yesterday morning, in walks the hottest, fittest, tallest, dreamiest hunk of Oyinboness I have ever seen.  Ask anyone that knows me, I’m not usually into oyinbo guys. Nothing personal , just never met one that rocked my boat. But this Adonis was different. Turns out he’s actually British but works from the firms Madrid office. So we had a lot in common. The conversation flowed. Lots of laughing and arm touching. By closing time he was asking if I wanted to go out for a drink?

Why the hell not? I think. I like him. He likes me. It's just a little drink



With a client?!


Clients need love too.


I pirry u.



Pirry away razzo. How do you know it's not my destiny to be Mrs.Oyinbo and move my fine, sophisticated self to Madrid? En? Enemy of progress.

So at the hotel bar…



Na even HOTEL bar you go? No other bar near your office where you don’t have a bed within tripping distance abi?


You are so untrusting. Like I’m going to sleep with him after just one drink. It would require at least 2 for me to lose all my inhibitions.


Na u dey invent AA for … Alcoholic Ashawo


You’re just jealous. I beg leave me to drink my 'Sex on the beach" in peace


You are even ordering suggestive cocktails? Well done. You will explain yourself at the office tomorrow.



Several cocktails later (Drowning my sorrows over our eviction from the World Cup), we get on to the topic of relationships. He tells me he split from his partner a couple of months ago and he felt he was ready for a new relationship.

Kerching! I think Mena has finally hit the jackpot.


"Really? That’s interesting."


"I was wondering what you feel about maybe getting to know each other better?"


"I’d like that."


I wonder, should I go for Ellie Saab or Valentino for the wedding dress?



"The distance won’t be too much of an issue will it? Gary, my ex couldn’t stand being apart for so long. Probably part of the reason why we broke up."


Nah! I think Ellie would work better with my….back up. Gary…nope cant think of any girl names that can be shortened to Gary.



“Gary? Isn't that a guys name?”



“Oh yeah! “


Look at your mouth like "Oh yeah!" Will you come on explain yourself before I have to use my "Sex on the beach" as a weapon



"Oh! I'm a little confused."


He laughs and I slowly begin to remove my shoe. A couple of  hard whacks on the head should put a stop to his inane giggling and get me an explanation.


"Sorry. I should have explained. I don’t believe in the conventional relationship set up that’s been shoved down our throats for centuries. I think if you like someone…male or female, you should just go with your feelings and see where it takes you."



Huh?


"I guess if you wanted to put a label on me,  I’m what you would call bisexual."


Huh?


 "Wow listen to that thunder! It's really gonna rain tonight."


That’s not rain. That’s the Lord coming to smite me for never listening to that little voice in my head that's always yelling "Mena don't do it!"

How do I get myself into these situations?

Married and didn't know...I  handled it.

Not same religion...I  handled it.

I like boys AND girls...There's not enough prayer and fasting in the world to handle this. Its time to call a red cab.

I'm Jonesing for a night out.

I’m going out tonight


I’m gonna look so fine


I’m gonna catch a man


And then I’ll make him mine


But if he doesn’t gree then I will have to say


'Ori e Fokasibe, Fokasibe ,Fokasibe


La la la


La la la la …



Stop gyrating around the photocopy machine crazy woman. People are starting to look at us.

Whatever Brain. Let em look.

 In a good mood today and I don’t care who knows. Anyway Ladies Man seems to be enjoying my hip swinging actions. He been staring at me and adjusting his tie for the past 3 minutes now. Poor things going to choke himself with it if he’s not careful.

Finally! I get to go somewhere other than the Palms and Pack & Shop( I go to the latter to watch DSTV for free in the electronics department when I forget to pay my bill) for entertainment. Can’t wait. Already have my sessy lil number planned and I even came to work make up free to ensure that my skin is extra radiant tonight seeing as its had all day to breathe.

All the “Mena, person die?"  Or  "Are you sick?” queries from the office crazies will be well worth it when I look extra hot tonight. Just in case you were wondering, which I know you are seeing as your middle name is  gbeborun, I’m off to see Keziah Jones at Terrakulture tonight. An evening with like minded, stylish people, listening to some bad ass music. Bliss!

Now please. Don’t you all buy tickets hoping to run into me. Tonight’s about Keziah not Mena. But if you insist that you must spend your N5,000 then just e-mail me when you get to the car park and I will happily come out to collect your money for a 1 minute adoring stare at my person. No cheques slackers! Cashola only please.

I’m even more excited because I didn’t have to buy my own ticket(nothing like free entertainment to make a girl happy). It was all courtesy of Annoying Married Chick and her hubby Market Boy(Who has requested that I call him something cool. Not sure that’s gonna be possible but I’m taking suggestions). Before you all start ohhing and ahhing about how sweet they are, it’s their punishment for getting me in trouble with my Mum and ruining my weekend.

Was sitting at home organizing my shoes by designer and heel height (it’s not a sad thing to do!), when they turned up under the guise of coming to visit. I know they were just hungry and looking for food as usual but I played along with their charade by abandoning my shoes and joining them and mother downstairs. Anyway it’s kinda good they are here. I can get them to look over my date outfit. Make sure my "Mena" style won’t be too much for the poor fella. Just have to wait till mother gets bored with us and leaves for her weekend visiting marathon.

God forbid she should hear the word date and my name mentioned anywhere in this house. Any plans I might have of actually having any fun tomorrow will be over. She will insist on being involved in everything from make up to good night kiss techniques.

I send my sis a bb...


Mena: You guys don’t leave with Mum. Got a date and need u to check out my outfit. DON’T SAY ANYTHING UNTIL MUM IS OUT OF THE GATE.


Annoying Married Chick: U have a date?????


Why is this surprising to her? Something do me? Abi? Why I no fit get date?


Mena: Yes. Problem missy?


Annoying Married Chick: Shouldn’t u have plucked your eyebrows then?


Eyebrows? What’s she talking about? They are perfect. Doesn’t she know bushy is in? Style reject.


Phew! Mums leaving... Cool.


I run to the window and watch her get into the car. Come on Tony, get her out of here.


Annoying Married Chick starts to say something but I shush her.


Yes! They are finally moving.


Gates opening…

Annoying Married Chick tries to start talking again and I tell her to shut it. Doesn’t she understand that nothing must be said until the “One who cannot be disobeyed” is totally off the premises. Almost there…



"Are you crazy? Stop shushing me. Are you going to tell me about this blinkin' date of yours or not?"


"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"



OK! Don’t panic. The cars practically out of the gate, there’s no way in hell she heard that.


Hehe...You wrong Kwezy Lady.



Sure enough... I am. The car comes to a screeching halt, reverses back in, whilst doing a 3 point Starsky and Hutch style turn and deposits my mother back at the main entrance. She’s already getting out of the car before it even stops and is legging it back into the building. Yep! That ol' lady sure can run.

She bursts into the living room out of breath and eyes me and my sister

"Who…"

Pant, gasp…

"...Has…"

Wheezing…

"...A date?"

My sister and I look at each other and I know what she’s thinking because it’s the same thing I’m thinking.

HOW THE HELL DOES SHE DO THAT? Was she blessed with supersonic hearing or does she have the house bugged? Nothing ever remains a secret from my mother.


"Answer me jare before I remove my slippers. Who has a date?"



“I’m married mummy. It can’t be me. Speaking of which, Market Boy remember that thing we have to do at the thing? Think it's time to go.”



“Ok, it can’t be you. You’re married” she says disregarding my sister, as she and Market Boy leg it out of there, and focusing her attention on me.



Thanks a lot Annoying Married Chick. You go meet me for front.


“Its you abi Mena?”



No duh?! Got any other daughters in Nigeria I should know about?


“You have a date and you didn’t tell me?”



Needless to say it all went down hill from there. She dragged me round beauty parlors all day. Making me wax things that should never be waxed(Ouch). Insisting my hair wasn’t fluffy enough and my eyebrows weren’t thin enough until I looked like Zsa Zsa Gabor on crack. By the time she was done with me I don’t think even Stevie Wonder would agree to date me let alone someone with all 5 senses working at optimum level. And don’t even get me started on the prayer and fasting regime she’s got me on when the whole thing fell through. If I  never see another piece of white food again it will be too soon.



So really, the ticket from Annoying Married Chick is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making it up to me.

Hey! Whats with all the zeros?

Gosh... I’m actually glad to be back at work amongst the office crazies. I have learnt to appreciate their madness after my humbling experience in the Gambia. Luckily Grumpy doesn’t seem to have told anyone about my Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction. Guess he’s still high on being the man of the hour after Bank Manager signed on the dotted line. Like he could have done it without my amazing presentation skills. User! Anyway let me not talk too much before I find topless pictures of myself on the bulletin board. I shall be on my best behavior till assessment time and then I can relax into my old ways again.


Darn! I just broke a nail trying to crack open a pistachio. What is it with me and nuts this month? Are they on a mission to ruin me? Sod that! Me hungry and I’m eating these damn nuts. They cost me N3,549 Naira. Yes I know the exact price o. That’s the equivalent of 12 odd pounds and I ain't happy. The old Mena would have slapped the sales assistant for daring to utter such numbers around the vicinity of a 500g packet of nuts. But the new Lagos Big girl in training has learnt to assess the situation around her before taking action. Had I been alone on the queue to pay I would have said



“3500 fun ki ni? No be epa? “

 “But they are imported ma”



“Don’t let the broken English fool you honey. Me too I dey imported as you see me so.”



“Sorry Ma, but its expensive to fly these things in.”

 “No vex. I didn’t realize this particular bag of pistachios had their own seat in first-class. I beg take your thing jare. Barawo Banza’s !”



And I would go outside and look for the nearest groundnut seller.

But if there are people on the queue behind me; I simply put on my Karl Lagerfeld sunnies so the sales assistant and other customers wont see the tears as I hand over my card and pray GT Bank won't disgrace me by refusing my transaction. Yes people! I am learning. I no longer haggle with them at the Davina store at the Palms after the threatened to name and shame me over the public announcement system. I have decided to pretend I have it even when I don’t.

Like the other day when I supposedly had a date with Speedy Gonzale's BB Guy. Fine, maybe she was right about the whole quirky car = quirky guy scenario. He’s been interesting bb wise so far and he makes me laugh (You all know how I am with a guy that can make me giggle). Seen a picture and yes I would happily have his love child. Only problem is I have no idea what he sounds like. In this day and age of bbing it’s neigh on impossible to get someone to give you a call.

Like the art of letter writing was lost to the e-mail, the act of picking up the phone just to hear the sound of someone’s voice is slowly disappearing. I haven’t quiet got the hang of it yet though. I still yack away on the phone for ages and its costing me a fortune. I only realized how bad it was when the Mallam that sells phone cards next to my house brought his whole family to greet me the other day



“Chidden gweet madam. Na because of her you go go school this month.”



“Hooray for Madam. May you always have people to talk to”


 The kids gave me 3 cheers and danced around me in a merry circle. All very touching but not sure I want anyone’s educational future to be dependant on my in ability to shut up for 5 seconds.

Anyway, never spoken to him. Have no idea if he can even speak English. You know how some people can write really well but when they actually speak you have to duck for cover because the taboning is like machine gun fire? Worse, he could be all manly looking. Muscles rippling as he walks and then he opens his mouth and you start looking around for Alvin and the Chipmunks. Fingers crossed he’ll be perfect. A Barry White sound alike with an absolute command of the English language. But what to wear for this hook up?

My stress, peanut and diet coke diet is working a lot better than I expected and none of my clothes fit anymore. Need me a new pair of jeans. So head to the mall and nip into one of  the little boutiques to try on a couple. Finally settle on a pair that make my bum look like a peach and my legs like they go on forever. I’m soooooooooo cute. I can’t find a price tag on them anywhere but I recognize the store label and they ain’t exactly up market. So not worried about breaking the bank. I skip to the till all excited and hand them over to the sales assistant.

The store is busy and as she scans my item, I slowly start to hyperventilate. Hey! whats with all the zero's? Is that the item serial number on the till display because it sure as bloody hell can't be the price? So many numbers. How is that bloody possible? They’re high street jeans for crying out loud. I consider ignoring the sales assistants query about if I was paying by cash or card and running out of there as fast as my chubby little legs would carry me but I’m surrounded by snobby cows. I recognize one of the "Look my bag before you look me" girls from one of my accounts . We both like to oppress each other by slamming whatever designer bag we're carrying that day on the conference table whenever we have a meeting. She's one of  those annoying people that knows everybody, so God forbid I'll allow her to start spreading the goss that Mena can’t afford jeans. What to do?

I guess I’ll just have to bite the bullet and hand over my card. This date better be worth it. I’m so snogging him weather he likes it or not. Even if it means getting the MOPO's to hold him down whilst I plant several hot smooches on him.


Er.. Isnt that sexual assualt?


So? Who does he want to tell that story too? Your friendly neighbourhood policeman?


"Boo hoo! Oh Officer I've just been violated by a hot woman. She was kissing me all over...Sob. It was just awful. I feel so dirty and used."


I beg! He'll probably get the crap kicked out of him for not dragging me into the bedroom by my hair and having his wicked way with me. Furthermore, there better be some butt groping involved as well cause I ain’t paying my entire going out budget for the month on ass enhancing jeans and not get my ass complimented and groped dammit!

Just as she’s about to swipe my card through and bankrupt me,  a miracle happens. The machine starts to make a funny sound.


“I’m sorry madam but our card system has crashed again. Its been doing it all morning.”


Lord, I thank you. Please disregard all previous comments on snogging and ass groping out of wedlock. It was the devil.


“That’s a shame and I really wanted these jeans.”


You are still standing there posing for Shop Assistant Mena? Instead of you to run before the system decides to restart. I pirry you.


“I can hold it for you madam if you want to go and get cash from the ATM?”



“Yes please. I’ll be right back.”


Whatever suckers. Mena’s going home to look for an Obioma to take in her Baba Aluwe looking jeans for N200. Nonsense.

Anyway it’s a good thing I never did buy those jeans because if I had I would now be looking for some Area boys to go and beat my money out BB boy’s body for not turning up. So gonna kick his arse when I eventually see him and his little quirky mini.

The Gambia Chronicles 2

Oh oh!

Houston we have a problem.

OK Brain! I don’t want you to panic but I think the impact of the gravitational pull on my boobs, when I bent over so quickly, was too much for my very fitted VW (OK, it’s a little tight but it was the only one there and it was a bargain) jacket and I just lost multiple buttons.

Probably not a big deal you’re all thinking. Thank God for camisoles and all that.

Weeellllll…being so tight and all, I don’t tend to wear anything but me bra under it. So if I sit up I’m about to give the entire boardroom a whole lot of French lace and boob.



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I told you not to go down there. Why don’t you ever listen to me? Oh boy! We are so getting fired. We’re going to be poor. We’ll have to watch Hi TV, eat carbs and use Xpression weaves. Why Lord? Why am I attached to such a stupid person

Er yeah! What part of don’t panic didn’t you get? And where the hell did you learn a dirty word like “Xpression Weave?” We’ll be fine just focus and help me figure a way out of this mess.

“Miss Mena are you quiet alright down there?”


Crap. I’m so fired

“Yes Mr. Bank President. My pen is just being a bit more elusive than I anticipated.”


“I’m sure we can get you another pen. Why don’t you rejoin the meeting? We’d like to hear your project time line.”


“Er…I’ll be right there sir”.


Oh Lord! Which kin wahala be this? All this because of one alakoba epa. Food no go kill me.


“Miss Mena? We’re waiting.”


Sod it. Nothing I can do now. I’ll have to give Bank Manager and his cronies a full frontal



Just as I’m about to burst into tears and show the world Tyrese & Basky (Please! Talk to the hand... We all name em. Tyrese is the right one cause he’s a bigger star), Grumpy's head appears under the table


“Are you insane?” he whispers

This is the first time I’ve ever seen him anything other than calm and I’m kinda scared



“I’m assuming you have 4 million Dollars because I don’t. If we lose this deal because of whatever rubbish stunt you’re pulling down here, then I swear I will make it my personal mission in life to make sure you are never employed anywhere else again. Do you understand me?”


A bit harsh but fine by me mate. I am so not employee material anyway. Lady of leisure is more what I’m built for.


“Yes sir”


“Now get up here and give your presentation.”



“I can’t sir. I …erm, have a problem.”



I point down to my x-rated display.



“Jesus! Please I’m a married man.” He says averting his eye


Calm down Casanova. Not interested and even if I was planning on seducing you, it wouldn’t be under the conference table in the middle of multi million dollar project.


“Is there something going on down there that we should be aware of?”


“No Mr. Bank Manager” we say in unison.

Grumpy’s head disappears from under the table. I can hear him apologizing and 5 seconds later he’s back and thrusting his jacket at me.

“Here put this on and let’s get on with it.”



Hooray! Saved. No more Boobarama 2010. Hang on a sec…



“Sorry sir, is this jacket polyester


“I beg your pardon?"

“It’s just that I’m allergic to Polyester. Brings me out in a rash. Can only do natural fibers you see. I think Weird Server Guy’s jacket is a cotton blend and it goes better with my skirt.”



“Miss Mena. You have 5 seconds to put that on and continue with this meeting or you’re fired.”

 “Yes sir."



You just can’t stop talking can you? Yak, yak, yakking right unto the unemployment line. I swear I’ll kill us both before I inhabit a body that can’t afford fortnightly manicures. You hear that crazy woman? I’ll just tell your little heart to stop pumping and that will be that.



Shut it Brain.



Eewww…His jacket smells like camphor.


1 humiliating, style challenged hour later. The meeting is over and my pain is the glue that finally sets the contract in place as everybody bonds by laughing over my earlier predicament. I hate Gambia.



I never wanted to come in the first place. When they started asking around for volunteers I was too engrossed on my bloody BB to pay any attention. All I heard was hotel and buffet breakfast (I have a thing for buffets. Sue me) and my hand shot up. I thought it was just another blinking Eko hotel conference. It was only later that I realized that it was thousands of miles away in another country and it required public speaking.



I should have known from the moment I got to the airport and immigration got on my case that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant trip. It’s a bad omen when the first thing the immigration official who is holding my NIGERIAN PASSPORT asks me is




“Are you Nigerian?”


No dumb ass, I'm from Timbuktu. I just like to paint my passport green and stencil NIGERIA on it. What do you think?


“You look like an Indian? Do you watch Indian films? I like Des ti numbari. I have that one at home”

Firstly, It’s Dus Numbri (My excuse for knowing this is that our house girl when I was 5 liked Indian movies) . Secondly, whats his point? I should come to his house and watch his betamax copies of Bollywood movies with him? I beg. I have a flight to catch. So even if I look like cross between Shaft and Medusa, my passport says I’m Nigerian so lets stick with that.



“Yes I am Nigerian.”

“En hen. So what part of Nigeria are you from?”


Is this guy serious? I have 15 minutes to get to my plane and he’s playing 20 questions. Grumpy &Weird Server guy from the IT department are already at the other side of the barrier waiting for me.



“I believe if you actually take the time to open up my passport you will find the answer to that in there.”


On hearing this, over friendly, can I buy you groundnut and a bottle of coke later?(I know that’s where he’s heading. My Toaster radar has become highly tuned and can sense an eminent toasting at least 5 minutes before it starts), becomes all serious on me.


“Me I should take the time to open your passport abi? Very Good.”



Whatever. Do quick my friend. I need to make sure I’m sitting either by the window or aisle side. Refuse to be wedged between 2 smelly men for goodness knows how many hours.


“Olo du mare! Madam is this you?”



“Excuse me! There's absolutely no need to shout”.


Ok you know I always go on about my nicely rounded frame? Well at one point it wasn’t so nicely rounded. I was just a total heffer. It was at this stage in my life I decided to get my Nigerian passport renewed and lets just say the picture in there is not my most flattering.



“Ennn…Mr.Johnson. I beg come see something"




What is this man doing?


“Look I'm sorry. But I’m going to miss my flight. Can you just hurry this along? My colleagues are already waiting for me.”


“Hey madam! Are you trying to tell me how to do my job? “


“No but…”


“Then be quiet. This is a very serious offence and I require my own colleagues to check this”


“Offence? What offence?”


 “Trying to travel on someone elses passport “



Oh Lord! Is this guy for real?



“Look I’ve just lost some weight. I surely don’t look that different.”


“You just lost weight ke? This one don pass weight issue. I say this no be you. Mr. Johnson!”


“Look I can show you my other documentation if you would like?”


“Blow out your cheeks.”



“I beg your pardon?”

“Sebi you say na fat? En blow out your cheeks so you look fat and I will compare the picture to your face.”


Nigerian Criminal Forensics at its finest.


“I'm sorry but I'm not blowing out my cheeks in the middle of a crowded airport like a 5 year old.”


"You never wan travel. Please move to one side let me deal with the legal travellers."



Argh!


So I stand there, in the middle of the airport amidst no hopers and first class hotties alike, and blow out my cheeks like a puffer fish.

He pretends to compare the two pictures but I know he’s just trying to get me back for dissing him.


“So na true? Na you be this?Ah! I hope you go to church regularly to thank God for this miracle in your life? “


Ignoramus. Guessing the only qualification needed to be an immigration official over here is a heartbeat and sight.


“Can I go now please?”


“Dey go. I like you before but person no fit put you for house. Fear go dey catch them pe when you relax you go just dey expand anyhow.”


I waited till I was safely across the barrier before I sent a very deserved “Your Mama” his way and legged it to the waiting plane. Idiot.


I really should have turned back there and then but hey! You live and you learn.

The Gambia Chronicles

 Darn it! I dropped a peanut down my top. I would reach in and get it but I’m in a meeting and not just any old meeting either. I’m in Gambia (More on that later) for a major contract meeting and I need to be on my best behavior. No classic Mena F up’s today. But this darn peanut is making me uncomfortable. Which probably brings you to the question why I’m eating peanuts in my meeting in the first place?


Well I was hungry. Missed the buffet breakfast at the hotel because I was assaulted in my hotel room.

Assaulted you say?

Yep!

There I was minding me own business, going about my early morning routine



This is how brush my teeth


Brush my teeth, brush my teeth.


This is how I my brush my tee...



Mena don’t look now but we are not alone.



Watcha talking about Brain?



Look over there. In the corner

Sure enough, sitting in the corner, looking right at me was a ginormous rodent (OK maybe it was a mouse but that’s beside the point). It wasn’t no friendly looking Tom & Jerry mouse either. This one had a deranged look in its eye and it was eyeing me up like all its Christmases had come at once. I knew what it was thinking…

Darn men! Look at all the meat on her. If I bring her down Mrs. Mouse we’ll definitely be giving me some darn good whisker loving tonight. Not to mention the fact that we’ll be feasting till we have great, great,grand kids. Quick nibble at her Achilles heel and she’ll be down like timber.

Brain looks like he’s homing in for the kill. Work with me here.

OK Mena!

We’re going to slowly reach for the towel, throw it over the mouse, then put the bin on top of it to trap it and then we’ll get someone to get rid of it humanely for us. OK?

Screw that! I say scream and run. You've been in the UK too long. You're an African damn it. U no dey watch horror movie? Why do you think Nollywood hasn’t started making them yet? It’s because they know Africans don’t do that “Let's see what’s making that scary noise. Oh it’s a demonic rat from the pits of hell. Wonder what it wants?” It wants to kill you stupid person and you deserve to be gnawed to death by its little ratty teeth if you don’t get the hell out of here right now.

There’s something not quite right with you Brain. OK, maybe I'll just call down to the porter and get him to sort it out. He's been looking for an excuse to come into my room since I got here anyway. Maybe he's one of those gigolo's everyone keeps going on about.

Damn! Too late its making a move. He's got me cornered and I cant get to the door.

Noooooooooooooo!!!! I’m trapped. Eeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(that’s me screaming not the mouse. Please note the lady like delivery.)

Now you are screaming abi?! NOW YOU ARE SCREAMING! Just like all those crazy oyinbo's that won't run and scream when they see Johnny their boyfriend, who they wore aso ebi to bury last week, in their bathroom. Instead they"ll be asking "Johnny is that you?" Ode run. No be Johnny. Na im zombie twin brother. Its only when Johnny starts eating them alive that they start screaming. Next time you will listen to me. You are on your own. I'm shutting down.


Don't you dare brain. Move my damn legs now.

I jump into the bath tub and continue screaming. The mouse is trying to clamber into the bathtub. I don’t friggin believe this? What hell is wrong with the cockroaches and rats in this continent? Don’t they know their place? They’re supposed to run away from me not mount planned military attacks on my person. Sod this! I’m not going to be trapped in a 3* hotel bath tub for eternity because of razzo Mickey Mouse here. I grab the shower attachment and spray ratty with a good dose of hot water. That should get rid of it.

It definitely stops him in his tracks…for about 2 seconds. Then he shakes him self of like a tiny devil dog (Does anyone remember that movie? Just me? Darn movie snobs) and just stares at me like…


Yeeee!!!! See this girl that I was even taking it easy with. Today na today. Mrs. Ekute must chop meat.

He then resumes his frantic clambering up the side of the bath and I resume my screaming. The next thing the hotel porter comes crashing into the bathroom waving a big stick around, almost taking my eye out.

Why is everyone determined to maim before my future boo arrives? I notice he stops to give me the once over, registering his disappointment at my not being naked and covered in soap suds with a hiss before reluctantly looking around for the source of my discomfort.

Devil rat, realizing it’s now outnumbered gives me an “I’ll get you later look” and attempts to clamber back into the hole it came from. Too late though, a rather sturdy boot comes crashing down on it and so ends the life of ratty.

Anyway after my traumatic ordeal, by the time I’m ready and downstairs, Grumpy and Weird IT guy from our Pakistan office, who introduced himself to me by saying “My you’re beautiful like binary numbers”, were already pacing up and down the lobby. So no breakfast for moi. Which brought me to the moment when, my brain having shut down after 10 minutes of Grumpy’s monotonous voice, I happened to be exploring the pockets of my jacket(Vivienne Westwood…don’t hate a sister cause she fly)when I came across a lone peanut.

"Hello" it said

"Would you like to crack me open and eat my nutty goodness?"

"Well yes I would" I replied.

"Thank you for asking"

"Well you can crack me quietly under the table, palm me and then just pretend to cough and pop me in."

"My, my, you’re a very clever peanut and it’s almost a shame to eat you."

"It is my sole purpose in life to be eaten and I must say it would be an honor to be eaten by one as lovely as you."

"Oh Peanut stop. You’re so charmi…"


STOP IT!! YOU’RE TALKING TO A BLOODY PEANUT. JUST EAT THE DAMN THING!



Don’t shout at me brain. I’ll eat it when I’m good and ready.

Shio. Nonsense.

So there I was, having successful cracked the shell and retrieved my nutty treat, I attempted to cough and drop but missed. Dropping it down my top and into my bra, where it was now poking me.



Just wait till the end of the meeting Mena. It’s only a peanut so don’t do anything stupid.



What do you mean by that Brain? I resent that statement. I never do anything stupid.

I know I’ll just drop my pen under the table and when I go down to retrieve it; I’ll have a quick rummage in my boulder holder and fish out the offending nut. Wala! Problem solved.



Please don’t do it. Just wait. I just know somethings going to go wrong.



Ah Brain! O' ye of little faith. What could possibly go wrong? See already dropped the pen under the table and now just bend and…

Oh oh!