Yeah! Yeah! I know. I 've been neglecting my blog but I have a perfectly good explanation. Which I would be quite happy to divulge to you all for the bargain basement price of £69.99(the exact sum of my cable bill this month if Ntl's claim that I ordered "Tyrese does Dallas" on the Naughty Housewife’s channel is true but that’s another story). Anyway I have returned. My head hung in shame at the thought that you lot have had no where to go and read intellectual ramblings for such a long time but its alright I am back.
I'm meant to be going to a baby shower tomorrow. Sounds like fun you might think but it won't be for me. My parents (Yes! I have parents. I'm not the spawn of someone’s insane imagination as some of you like to think) will be arriving in a few weeks. My parent are of the old school, the one where the learnt that fat ass women don't get married. So to spare myself the “Why hasn't your big fat ass found a man yet?” speech, I have gone on a liquid diet. No not the alcoholic kind, even though I might give that a try if this fails. I am allowed to drink 3 nasty tasting milkshakes a day, loads of water and that’s it. If I happen to get hungry in between, I’ll have to breathe a little harder and hope the extra oxygen I’m inhaling will fill me up. “Why Mena?” You all say. Your sexy Nubian curves and ample love handles must be a thing of beauty. I SO AGREE!!! But the world is a fickle place and so I must bow to mounting pressure and lose at least one love handle.
Anyway fella's this would be a good time to ask me out on a date. Think about it...a girl that brings her own food on a date. You ain’t gonna find that anywhere else. I will give the phrase 'Cheap date' a whole new meaning. All interested parties please send a poster size picture of yourself in your tightest underwear, holding your most recent bank statement and a signed affidavit stating you don't have a girlfriend, sex buddy, baby mama or wifey.
Anyway back to the baby shower. I can't eat and so don't really see the point of going. I will be forced to and oh and ah over a round, sticky out belly. I can do that home with my belly whilst balancing a bowl of chips on it and watching 'Law and Order'. I will have to watch other people eat and that’s just torture. But worse than that is the games. They drive me insane, like the one Ijebu chick sent me today. You basically have the letters of the alphabet and you have to write down baby stuff related to the letters. Obviously people always do the nice stuff like N for nappies. Sod that... I say tell the woman the truth about what she's letting her self in for. Its not all Johnson baby ads you know. So here is my:
A – Z OF THINGS RELATING TO BABY.
Anger management classes so you don’t strangle your husband for putting the diaper on the wrong way round for the 700th time.
Boring stories numerous other new mums will feel the need to tell you about their apparent horrific labour. Like you care!!!!! No pain can equal what you are about to go through. Have they seen the size of heads in your husband’s family??? B is also for baby booties, bibs and Breast pads.
Cot, Cuddly toy and Condensed milk. Don’t you just wish babies could drink the stuff? They can make them in beer style cans and the first thing you would teach your child was how to hold a can. Back off sisters!!!! I thought of it first and will be contacting Cow&Gate in the morning to dicuss my lucrative contract.
Diaphragm. If the damned thing worked we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. The male member in this relationship is about to be in charge of birth control. V for vasectomy anyone?
Earplugs for whoever is not on night baby feeding duties.
Food. You’ve been eating for 2 for 9 months and you’ve got to keep eating to breast feed it for another year. Will this destruction of my once hot body never stop?
Gym to get mama back in shape so papa can find her hot again, make another baby AND RUIN EVERY SINGLE THING SHE WORKED HER BUTT OFF IN THE GYM FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Baby harness and haemorrhoids. A particular joy associated with childbirth. Feel free to look up this painful condition in the medical dictionary.
Ignoring your husbands attempt to poke you in the back with his little soldier when you’ve only just managed to drift off to sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Juggling looking after the baby and cooking fresh stew for your husband that doesn’t eat 2-day-old stew.
Keeping your village mother in law and her local herbal cream away from your babies heat rash.
Licking baby food off your fingers and suddenly realising this is why you still look pregnant 6 months after having the baby.
Mother and baby classes so you can meet other frumpy, frustrated and fat mama’s like yourself.
Night feeds & Nappies
Oranges to put in your bra and pretend your boobs are still nice and perky even though they now look like patties and reach your toes.
Pretending you can still fit into your pre pregnancy jeans and passing out in Asda whilst buying nappies because they’ve cut circulation to all major arteries.
Quiet! What you say to everyone within a 2-mile radius of your sleeping child. You wake the baby. You die.
Rejecting all evil, conk sounding names supplied by unknown village relatives.
Sleep. You want it, You need it but you ain’t getting it.
Time! What the hell is that?? You haven’t got time to do anything but bathe, change and feed the baby about 10 times a day.
Underwear! No more sexy La senza for you. Its mother care boulder holders all the way.
Vaseline. No longer the magic ingredient for you and daddy use to stay up ALL NIGHT LONG.
X-rated films. Buy a years supply for hubby because it will probably take that long before you let any traffic go downtown again.
Yawn! You’ll be doing a lot of that. Especially when hubby tells you look verrrrrrrrryyyyy sexxxxy in your breast milk stained grandma Mo nightgown. Sorry mate ain’t happening tonight. Might want to have the V for vasectomy conversation again.
ZZZzzzzzzzz…Not so much of that though.
I have had my say and you don't have to like it but you all know its true. Now excuse me while I go take some deep breaths before I die of hunger.