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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

OK! Now you can panic.

…and the sexual electricity in the car is enough to make NEPA redundant and power up the whole of Lagos for a year. Just as I’m puckering up for the snog of my life, he begins to laugh.


“You almost got me there Mena. Was that some kind of test to see if I had honorable intentions towards you? “

Huh?

Test?

No test. Me wan kissy poo.

The only thing I want to test is if your lips fit over mine mugu. I can’t believe it. I’m practically handing myself over to him on a plate and he’s playing the "Gentleman". Does he know there are men that would kill to be in his shoes right now? I mean if it was Boli Lover or Alhaji, I wouldn’t even have finished the sentence before I found myself in the backseat with my La Perla’s hanging off the rear view mirror.

“Well I do. Not looking to fool around.” He says kissing me on the forehead

Whatever Sir Lancelot. Keep your chaste kisses to yourself. I can’t plan a future with you so the least you could do is give up some hot loving. Argh!!! Just take my deprived ass home.

He’s nattering on about God knows what as he drives towards my place but I’m no longer listening. I’m contemplating how long I’ll have to spend in jail if I manage to overpower him, drag him into the backseat and have my way with him. What is he? 5’10, maybe 120 pounds? I can take him. I’m sure tales of Kirikiri are all exaggerated and anyway I’m bound to lose weight in there. Darn! It’s too late. Home already.

Fine Lord you win. I shall obviously not be getting my groove on tonight or any other night till my wedding day.

He honks his horn to get the guard to open the gate and while we are waiting another car pulls up behind us.

Oh Lord why?!!! Is this my punishment for contemplating naughtiness?

It’s my mother’s car!!

What’s she doing here? She didn’t say anything about coming down to Lagos today?

I’m trapped. Even if I get out of the car and leg it, BB guy is blocked in. She would be on him like a rash before the poor guy could even say “Hi”.

Great! Here she comes.

My mother makes her way up to the car, ignores me totally and knocks on BB Guys window.

He gives me a puzzled look and I hide my face in embarrassment. Thank God I can’t marry him because this is definitely going to be the last time he’ll ever want to see me.

“It’s my mother.” I say.

“Oh! Cool!”

oh! You silly boy. This experience will be anything but cool.
He lowers his window and says “Good evening ma.”

“En hen… Good evening. Who are you and why is my daughter in your car at this time of night?”

“Mummy please.” I say. Trying to cut her off before she can say anything to damage my rep.

“Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name?”


“Mummy we just went out. So please stop bothering my friend with your questions.”


“N'gbo friend…are you bothered by my questions? Or doesn’t a mother have a right to ask where her unmarried daughter is coming from at this time of night?”


“Er…of course you do ma. We just went to watch a movie and I’m sorry if it’s late.”

“Look BB Guy no need to explain. I’m sorry about this.” I say getting out of the car

“Mummy, please tell Tony to reverse so he can get out.”

It’s like I’m not even speaking because the next thing she does is open his door and tell him to get out of the car.

“Come out my son let me see you. You’re very handsome o. Mena... he is handsome o. You try.”

“Mummy!”


“So are you married?”


“No ma!”


“Are you sure? Don’t think because I’m smiling with you I will not get my boys to deal with you mercilessly if I find out you are trying to turn my daughter into your concubine.”


“I would never dream of that ma.”

“Good boy!” Says my mother breaking into a big grin.

“So fine boy with fine car. My daughter is fine abi? A little fat but I’m sure by the time you marry her and start using her in the way the good Lord intended you will burn all that fat right off her. You look very agile. You actually remind me of my husband at your age. Her father and I could…”


“MOTHER PLEASE!”

I’m absolutely mortified. What on earth is wrong with this woman? Why does she think everyone wants to hear her reminisce about her love life? In one night, she has managed to achieve what my enemies having been trying to do for 2 decades…ruin my life. By the time he tells all his friends and they circulate the news like wildfire around Lagos, no sane man will ever want to date me again. Well, at least BB guy will no longer be available to me for lusting purposes after this, so that’s one problem solved.

“Why are you shouting? Can't me and your friend talk again? Or you are jealous?” she says laughing hysterically.

“Don’t worry. I m not stealing your boyfriend away.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”


“You are not a serious woman. At your age you are still doing we are just friends? Look! Young man. We are not looking for friends in this family o. We are looking for in-laws, so if you are not ready to become one oya enter your car and go.”

Poor BB guy looks like he just woke up and found himself in a bad horror movie. He tries to get back in his car but my mother pulls him back.

“You mean true true you are going to go? You don’t want to marry my daughter?”

“Well Ma…”says BB guy who has now broken into a cold sweat and is having trouble getting his words out.

“…It’s our first date and we’re still getting to know each other so haven’t really thought about marriage.”

My mother gives him the evils and shouts for the MOPO’s.

At this stage, even I have gone past embarrassed and I’m actually slightly concerned about the crazed look in her eye.

“Mummy please, just leave him alone and let him go.”


“Lamidi!” says my mother ignoring me.

Write down this boy’s license plate number and find out where he lives. He is to report here every evening for a month to come and get to know Mena. Should he not turn up even for one day, you are to go and find him and bring him here by force if necessary. After one month of getting to know her I either expect to see my future in-laws here with kola for her father or a full report on the reason why my daughter is not marriage material. Understood?”


“Yes ma!”

Shame…kill me now.

“Tony reverse and let him go. As for you Mena…enter house.”

Without even so much as a look in my direction, BB Guy gets in his car and zooms out of there and out of my life for good.

This is going to be my last post people. I don’t think they have Internet in Kirikiri, which is where I’ll be tomorrow after I’m arrested for killing my mother.

Monday, July 19, 2010

OK! Nobody panic but...

Oh my God! Is that a blinkin' spot on my cheek?

I’ve had perfect skin for the whole year and then today of all days, this! As if that wasn't bad enough, I have nothing to wear!! Despite the 7 large suitcases I bribed customs to allow into the country, my wardrobe is a veritable desert of style. Damn! My shrinking waistline. Who said losing weight would make me even more stylish? They lied dammit! Or at least they should have mentioned the bank I would have to rob to replace my previous designer laden wardrobe. What am I going to do? I have a date and nothing to wear.


Did you say date? I thought you said you were just meeting up with a friend? Ah ah! No wonder you haven’t eaten solid food in three days and you almost peeled off the top layer of your skin in the name of salt scrubbing. Ashawo!

Whatever Brain. This is why I don’t always think true thoughts because I know you’ll be all up in my face about boring things like morals, logic and the way normal people behave. Yes! I’m going on a date. Yes!He’s just a friend and yes it’s too late to talk me out of it.

Se bi we are going together? No probs. You better start praying I don’t decide to make your left eyelid start twitching uncontrollably halfway through dinner. Let’s see how hot your so called "Friend" will think you are when he assumes you have a mental condition.

You wouldn’t?

Try me. So which one of your so called friends are we meeting up with?

Well remember BB Boy? The guy  my mate Speedy Gonzales tried to hook me up with?  He finally crawled out of the woodwork a couple of months ago, very contrite about the whole standing up issue. So unlike me, but I forgave him but decided never to agree to meet up with him again. At least that was the plan.

Which kin forgiveness is that one? Do you own a different version of the Bible from everybody else?

Whatever! Anyway we started bbing and turns out  he’s like the male version of me! So how could I resist when he asked me out again?

Male version of you? Craze + Craze? Lord help us! Se you know I can’t allow such a union to occur for the sake of the entire universe? Can you imagine what would happen if you had kids?

Uuuhhh! Lil’ Mena & BB babies. Yum. Anyway, we got on really well and darn is he hot but unfortunately, as is always the case with my crappy love life, there was just one little snag...

He’s gay? Sane? A cross dresser? Mummy’s boy?

Nope! He’s not Christian!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh|!!!!!
So mentally I’ve been trying to convince myself not to get all dewy eyed and lustful over him seeing as we can only ever be friends. In the good ol' days when I did not fear the wrath of the Lord, I would just have had my evil way with him and dumped him the minute I spotted someone who was more marriage material. Alas! I am now a changed woman and he will never get to play naughty schoolboy and saucy miss with moi. Kinda makes me wonder why I’m bothering to wear matching La Perla underwear?

Because once an ashawo always an ashawo. I’m sure by the end of dinner you will have convinced yourself that you’re going back to his place to pray for his conversion to Christianity and that sleeping with him is your own sacrifice towards building a greater Christian army abi?

Weeeellllll….

See ya life?

Look Brain I don’t have time for this. He’ll be here in 30 minutes and I’m still in my underwear.

You might as well go like that and save the poor boy the money he will spend on dinner, seeing as the only thing you want won’t be on the restaurant menu.

Ignoring you now. I am a strong Christian woman and will not be led astray by hotness, a naughty sense of humor and witty banter. I can do this.

Ye! I can’t do this o!

My own don finish. He’s turned up to pick me up and before I even see him… I see the car. Now I know what guys mean when they say they’ve got a ha.. on for a car. Guess what he came to pick me up in?

My Porchy Baby!!!!

Brain! Its like devil’s saying “See what you get if you allow naughty Mena to come out and play?”

We no go let her come out like this?

Hey! Brain stop making my eyelids twitch!

Fine! No naughty miss.

It took every ounce of self control to stop myself from running to the car, putting my head on its bonnet and stroking its lovely grey metallic finish. Instead I walked over, got in and was faced with the next temptation of the evening…Hot BB Guy.

Hot car +Hot guy + Mena who hasn’t had either in a while = Straight to hell and a very lucky BB boy.

All through out the evening I kept having to tell myself not to get all sex kitten on the poor guy. Just friends. No accidental touching, lips brushing ears whilst whispering in the cinema (Don’t mess with me o. I’m a pro.) or come hither gazes. Well at least I won’t be doing that but if he feels led to then who am I to stop him.

On the way home, mine not his before you all start shouting, he cracks a joke about being a gentleman and taking me straight home rather than to his place and maybe it was the sugar rush from all that popcorn, the uncomfortable thong that nobody but me was going to appreciate or the endless months in the snogless desert, but something in me just snapped and I said...

"I know enough gentlemen, why don’t you try being something different?"

Ennnnnn! Ashawo with first class honours! How did you manage to get that sentence past my ashawo defence system?

He looks at me.

I look at him

Porchy Baby looks at both of us, quietly screaming “Don’t you dare get busy on my Italian leather interior!!!” and ….

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Bunny Boilers wanted!

You people are not serious o.


Why are you all harassing me for my life story? I have told you the necessary lubricant needed to fix my rusty blogging wheels...Money!  And since you have all refused to cough up so I can be a bigz girl, I will tell my story when and if I please. Abi na by force?

Have you noticed that you’re becoming razzer by the day girl?

Ki lo mean?

That’s what I mean.

Oh! I have become a tad local in my delivery of the English language. That’s why I need to leave these ibi ise people and hang with my fellow posh speaking compatriots. And how am I supposed to do that if I’m giving you people freebies all the time?

Anyway, for the sake of peace I will continue with the story but first…

I know what I want to do with my life now. My calling was revealed to me yesterday whilst watching Fatal Attraction. I will become a psycho stalker girlfriend for hire. I will set up an agency of highly trained women to stalk and terrorise the cheating male population. Wives & girlfriend's can hire us to teach their straying boos a lesson. By the time I'm done carving " I love you and I'll rather kill you than lose you" on to the side of  his brand new jeep, he will be too scared to even look at his own mother let alone another woman.

Okkkk…What’s brought on this drastic career change then?

Well, walking home yesterday...

Ennnnn!!! Bigz girl you dey waka? Chai upon all the mouth.

Will you come on shut up. My office is round the corner from my house. No point polluting the planet any further. Think of the ozone layer dammit!

Lagos no get ozone layer. Talk true you no get money for red cab again abi?

I'm ignoring you commoner. 

As  I was saying...Walking home and guess who happened to see me and start honking?

Ain't got a clue?

Alhaji! Alhaji!!

I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen him but he came out of his car and started calling my name. See this alakoba. It's bad enough I have to walk through Lagos traffic and everyone thinks I’m poor, now he wants them to know my name as well. Rather than further embarrass myself by letting him scream my name any louder, I acknowledge his presence with a quick wave.

"Are you going home?" he says, ignoring the fact that all the bored motorists are now staring at us hoping for gist.

No ode! I just like to walk the streets of Lagos.

"Yes. Just off home. Nice to see you."


"Let me drop you off."

"It's fine. I’m almost there and you’re heading the wrong way anyway."


"I don't mind. I’ll turn the car around."


"In this traffic? It’s really quicker for me to walk."


"Come on. It will give us a chance to talk."


"About?"

"You know" he says giving me a sexy gap toothed grin.

I no know o! Get thee behind me evil fornicator. In front of all these gbeborun drivers you want to koba me? It’s OK. I can now see that refusing your advances is not the way to go.

You want to date me abi? You go date me tire.

Ladies! Some men just don’t know the meaning of the word "NO!". They assume they are too hot to be rejected and your constant refusals are you playing hard to get. I mean, you’ve read my blog and I have made it clear that ain't interested right? So I think its time to move to plan B.

Now before I start, let me just warn you that plan B is not for the faint hearted. For it to fully work you must be a little crazy, which I am and fully committed to The Exotic Ones 5 step plan  to rid yourself of pests. Once you can accept these terms we are good to go…



Step 1: Pests never give up. It is their sole aim in life to win. So they will continue to harass you in the hope that one day you will be too depressed and lonely to know what you are doing and agree to meet up with them, sleep with them etc. So next time he calls or BB’s don’t ignore him. Respond. Be very friendly. Welcome his advances and agree to meet up with him. Lure him into a false sense of security. He’ll be thinking “Ashawo don gree at last. I’ve still got it” and you’ll be thinking “Now your ass is mine you cheating cockroach”.

Step 2: This is very important!!! The morning after your conversation/meeting, send this text/BB message

Good morning Love of my life. Dreamt about our wedding last night. It’s a sign that we are destined to be. I'm so glad you brought me round to your way of thinking. So what colour shirt are you wearing today so we can colour co-ordinate.

A normal man will take this as a sign that all ain’t right in this particular girl’s world and start to back away. But believe me there will be those who are a tad slow and will be feeling like a "G" thinking "There’s no way she ain’t gonna let me hit that." There will also be others who know you're  probably crazy but then decide they ain’t ever done a crazy chick and keep a coming.

Step 3: By lunch time of the same day, ensure that you have called every hour on the hour to ask if he’s missed you. Make sure you address him by a new term of endearment every time he’s stupid enough to pick up the phone…Hello darling, sweetum’s, o lo lu fe mi, my yori yori... The possibilities are endless. At some point during the day he will eventually stop taking your calls. You will then move on to e-mails, text messages and BBing. Only when he has blocked your e-mails and removed you from his BB list can you stop but not before he notices that you have changed your BB status to “The soon to be Mrs…..”

Step 4: A normal guy should be really turned off by now. But judging from my experience most pests aren’t normal. They are still hoping to hit it and run and like I said some guys are turned on by needy and crazy. So you’re gonna have take it up a notch and give him crazy. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do but it must involve public humiliation. I suggest waiting for him outside his office wearing a t-shirt that says “Insert pest's name here My O lo lu fe mi works here” and dancing to the tune of the talking drummers you have hired to serenade him out of the office into his car.

Step 5: This is usually not necessary after the public humiliation. At this point he should have snapped, threatened to deal with you and warned you never to come near him again. If he hasn’t then I beg just sleep with the bobo so you can move on with your life because his own crazy don pass my own.

Anyway I am expecting Alhaji to call any day now and then his cheating ass is mine.

As for my life story...might continue in my next post or I might not.

Darn it's good having all the power.

Friday, July 09, 2010

In the beginning...

On many occasions people have asked me…


Exotic One (You thought I would forget my new chosen name abi?) why can’t you be nice and rational like other people?

Normally I would respond with a well aimed Waka or if I am within arse kicking distance… Haya! Who is not nice and rational? Take that and that!

Well, today I am in a good mood so I will tell you why I am like this but in order to delve deep into The Exotic One’s psyche we must start at the beginning….

Once upon a time (That’s my personal biographer. All the bigz girlz have one), many years ago...

“Hey! Dey send you come? Easy on the "Many" mate. Don’t want people thinking I am already claiming my pension.”

Sorry. Let’s begin again.


Once upon a time, not too many years ago, there lived a very handsome Policeman and a beautiful Dental Hygienist. The Policeman was very much in love with The Dental Hygienist but knew she came from a strict Muslim family and would never entertain the idea of marrying a Christian. So he hid his feelings and spent his days having unnecessary dental work done just so he could be near her. During a rather painful tooth extraction(totally unnecessary but worth every ounce of pain as he could just about see the top of her boobs every time she bent over), The policeman, high on morphine, finally declared his undying love and proposed to The Dental Hygienist, who was so shocked, she pulled out the wrong tooth.


The Dental Hygienist, who had always had a secret crush on The Policeman, was thrilled to bits that he felt the same way. Having just broken up with her steady boyfriend, Mechanic by day, Palm wine tapper by night Guy, she had been feeling a tad despondent about her future marriage prospects. All her other friends were married and she was starting to panic over when she was going to meet someone else.


But as the say, “The Lord works in mysterious ways”. To think her future husband had been coming here all this time to get his teeth whitened and he was such a catch too. A policeman, which meant he got a pretty decent, regular pay packet (This was in the good ol' days people. When the law and a uniform  meant something dammit!) and he drove a Mercedes (Sadly The Dental Hygienist was a tad too much of a romantic/gold digger and neglected to focus on more important aspects like personality etc). God, her friend Lara would just die of envy. To think she had been jealous of her and her husbands Suzuki motorcycle. Well, let’s see who’ll be green with envy now. There was only one problem standing in the way of The Dental Hygienists dream…her parents.

I believe you may be starting to see some similarities now.

The Dental Hygienist came from a strict Muslim home and had been brought up to always believe she would marry a Muslim. She was a very dutiful daughter and would usually never do anything to upset her parents but on this occasion she decided to be brave and tell them of The Policeman’s marriage proposal and how she wanted to accept it. Several hot slaps and “Over my dead bodies” later. The Dental Hygienist lay sobbing on her bed wondering why her parents hated her and if she would ever be happy again. The thought of Lara never being green with envy and how she might have to take back her cheating palm wine tapping boyfriend just so she could get married and leave home, was too much for her to bear and she contemplated topping herself. Then a little voice in her head said

You do know you don’t have to do everything your parents tell you

“Yes I do”

Well have a happy life washing Mechanic by Day,Palm Wine Tapper by nights, oil stained overalls then.

“Oh God! I can’t but they would never forgive me if I went behind their backs”

They’re your parents. They will forgive you and even if they don’t, you get to ride around in a Mercedes. All your friends will hate you. They’ll say they are happy for you but deep down they’ll hate you for being so lucky.

“It does have leather seats and a cassette player” (Ah! The simple days. Me I ain’t greeing for anyone that doesn’t have state of the art CD/TV & Blu Ray player in their car o. I don talk my own)

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Now you’re thinking like a grown up. What the hell are you waiting for? Your key word for today is “Elopement”.

So having convinced herself that her parents would one day forgive her. The Dental Hygienist packed a little bag and snuck out of her house that night and into the arms of The Policeman. They were married at the Registry office the very next day. (You have to give my Mama props sha. Damn! The girl is fast)

On hearing the disastrous news that his oldest daughter had given herself to an infidel without even so much as a bottle of Schnapps in bride price, Alhaji Dental Hygienist, sharpened his trusty cutlass and set off to seek vengeance. No one was going to stop him from cutting of The Policeman’s head even if it meant spending the rest of eternity in jail. As far as he was concerned jail might not even be such a bad idea if it got him away from Alhaja Dental Hygienist’s constant nagging about money, food etc. Come to think of it. Now that The Dental Hygienist was married, she would have to look after her aging parents. She had said something about him being in the police force and he knew they got paid well, not to mention the fact that it wouldn’t hurt to have some police muscle within the family to make sure no one was rude to him again (Alhaji Dental Hygienist was a very short man often referred to as Baba Kukuru and Half measure which peed him the hell off).

As Alhaji Dental Hygienists little brain kept whirring, he’s steps got slower. Until he was standing by the side of the road grinning to himself about how he could turn his silly daughters treachery into his good fortune. Afterall, it was better to have a daughter married to a rich heathen that could put people in jail than a cheating Palm wine tapper. Several cartons of Schnapps later and an oath from The Policeman that he would convert to Islam(Which he obviously never did. Men! They will tell you the sky is orange if it gets them into your knicker), the Alhaji welcomed him to into the family and promptly sent him to arrest his neighbour for calling him "Alhaji Kunkulu".


The Policeman and The Dental Hygienist went on to do great things. They moved to Lagos with their little family but our real story begins ladies and gentleman on the 7th day of January 197….

Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about dates relating to my age?

Sorry Exotic One. It won’t happen again.

Darn skippy it won’t happen again. You’re fired. I’ll tell my own darn story. If you want something done right, then do it yourself. Let’s see, where were we? Blah blah blah…Yeah right, so ladies and gentlemen our real story begins on the 7th of January 19 none of your beeswax, when The Policeman & The Dental Hygienist gave birth to a little princess and called her Mena.

Obviously they had other children at this stage but they were all inconsequential as far as their little princess, Mena was concerned. Born with lovely smooth caramel complexion and a gummy smile that could melt any heart, Mena was the apple of her parent’s eye.

Mena got only the best. Whilst her other older siblings were raised on pap and cerelac, She was only given the finest imported baby food. Whilst they pushed rusty tires down the streets, Mena played with her baby Lego and silver My Little Pony rattle. Whilst they others fought over the mangy family pet, Bingo the dog. Mena had her own  little pony called “Esin mi Trixibelle (My horse Trixibelle)”. Yep! Mena had it good. She didn’t want for anything and had her parent’s undivided attention

So when did it all start to go wrong you wonder?

Yes Mummy & Daddy dearest. When did it all start to go wrong for the apple of your eye? Could it be 13 months later when someone forgot to read their family planning leaflet and bam, bam…Two more members of the clan. The moment I saw those 2 little bawling faces in the hospital I realized that the life I deserved wasn’t going to happen. These 2 interlopers were sent to pour sand sand in my garri.

So what happened next Me...We mean Exotic One?

God save you.

Well you will have to wait until my autobiography is published and pay N100, 000 pere for a copy.

Jokers! You all think you are smart abi? You want hear better gist for free? Shio…Wait for me I am coming.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Is that the sound of my standards dropping?

Na lie! Today is the day I never thought I would see. Upon all my hotness…Bad Weave get boyfriend before me. I no longer want to live in a world where this is possible. Brain shut down all vital organs now and let us leave this cruel, cruel world.


You and who? You are on your own o. I’m not leaving any world until I experience big girl living and lampashing that makes our toes curl.

See you? Why are you so cheap?

Dey ask me.

It's not your fault. Anyway, he came to see her in the office today and whilst he ain’t bad looking, the pointy alligator shoes and the inability to complete a sentence without saying “Sho mo?” was like a soothing balm to my pain. It makes sense that razzos would attract razzo’s. I mean look at her today.

Where the hell did she get that shirt? I think I can actually see my face in its highly reflective surface. Who knew kitchen foil fabrics were the next big thing in fashion? And those jeans??!!!! Didn’t she get the fashion memo? Stone wash don die now. I beg let it rest in peace and stop trying to resurrect it. Bad Weave girl…I salute you! You have once again managed to turn dress down Thursdays into a day of thanksgiving, that I was one of the first people on the queue the day the good Lord was dishing out styyylllleee.

I can see you eyeing my cute black French connection playsuit and Miss Sixty flip flops. Pele! It must be hard not being me. Actually maybe being me is not so great anymore. I mean if she can nab a man in her the “The blind must see clothing” and dodgy hair. What's the point of being fabulous when all I seem to attract are horny pervs? BOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. Almost at the end of a truly torturous week. I can go home and soothe my pain with ice cream and cheap alcohol. I know a lot of you are muttering under your breath about my lack of posts during the week and all I can say to your valid complaints is “Kiss my heiny! Kiss it! Kiss it! Kiss it!”

Mena!!!

What?! I’m in pain jo and I have told you that I am a free and exotic spirit and will no longer let your boring, socially acceptable constraints hold me back. Allow me to be free o. If I want to insult members of the general reading public just leave me to express myself.

OK then. Knock yourself out exotic one.

Hmm.. I like that...Exotic one. That’s it!  From now one I shall no longer be known as Mena. You shall all call me "The Exotic One”.

OK Exotic. Heads up! The Human Boli approaches

Are you crazy? Can't you follow a simple instruction? I said “The Exotic One” not “Exotic”. That just sounds like a filthy go go bar.

What does this one want now?

Boli Lover, who has just returned from his banishment in Ivory Coast after a failed sales negotiation, plants his polyester /nylon mix covered behind on my desk and cracks a “One day u go gree” smile at me.

I match his “You go gree” with a “Not in this or any other lifetime mate” smile and finish him off with a “You need to respect yourself “ gaze. Joker! He’s only been back 1 day and he’s already started harassing me with his dry convo.

“So fine girl! Wetin dey now? “

“Nuthin”

“ I've really missed you girl"

Ewww...Down boy.

"You’re looking so  good today." He says, he's eyes resting too long on my assets for my liking.

Agbaya! Gbe oju re so oke.

 "In fact, I'm sure  you must have found some guy that’s really taking care of you?”

Story. Is this his way of trying to find out if I hooked up with someone whilst he was away? Like I'm going to fall for that. Keep guessing mate.

You have to admire his persistence though. If getting girls was based on effort he wouldn’t be able to leave his house with the women camped outside his door. Alas! Its based on hot looks, witty repertoire and the ability to buy me dinner somewhere where all the food isn’t displayed in a heated buffet rack.

But after this latest development with Bad Weave and my ongoing “NORMAL”man drought, maybe I should stop fighting him and just succumb to a life of sequined, see through lace iro and buba’s and children that say “Maami! Hunger dey wire me.”

Mena what are you saying? Snap out of  your self pitying state immediately. We have never and will never stoop that low. For Gods sake look at the man. He can barely button his shirt over his enormous stomach and he’s got bigger boobs than you.

Yes but…

No buts. We have waited this long and we shall continue to wait until the right one comes along.

But Bad Weave…

Forget her. The guy probably sings Fuji whilst lampashing her. Is that what you want?

No but…

A Fuji singing lampsher who wants you to wear stone wash clothing?

No

Cause if that’s what you want,I can make it happen

I said Noooo Brain!!!

Good. Now pull yourself together.

Sniff…Fine! But its not fair. Why do all men just want to sleep with me?

I know I'm hot and my assets walk into the room before I do but still. There is more to me than 100% Brazilian hair (no mangy Bar beach horse hair mixed into this weave. Mena’s coming up in the world), sexy dresses and a face that lights up the room. I'm intelligent, funny, make my own money, can be caring when I'm in the mood, can cook and I can even contort my ample frame into interesting bendy shapes. Really if that ain't wife material I don’t know what is? And yet all I get are pervs. I need reassurance that I'm more than just hot.

I call my mate Loony Dude

“Hey Loony! Would you marry me if we weren’t friends?”

“Nope. Not in a million years.”

"You seem pretty sure about that?Why?”

“You know you craze now? I no fit put craze woman for house. My mama no go gree. “


“Be serious jare. Why do guys just want to shag me?”


“Cause that’s what guys do and anyway you’re way too sexual. You’re always hair tossing, giggling, giving seductive “take me now “ looks.


“E mi ? Never!”

“Oh you do Missy. You might not know you’re doing it but I doubt that. So within the first 5 minutes of meeting you all the guy is thinking of is where’s the nearest closet so I can have my evil way with her.


“That’s so not fair. Yes I might be a little flirtatious when I see someone I like but who isn’t?”


“You see its just not with people you like. You do it with everyone, that’s why the entire male staff of Shoprite are always trying to look down your dress.

"So what are you saying? Men don't like flirty women?"

"Oh we like em. We just dont marry them. Ciao"

Really??? Can it be so? Is this "Normal" man drought my doing? Am I driving them away with an overabundance of sexy pheremones? But I can't help it if I ooze sex appeal.

Sod Loony Dude. What the hell does he know?

I’ll call my sis. She’ll be honest.

"Sis am I a flirt?"

"How the hell would I know? Look don’t put me under pressure with your questions. I'm busy. Market Boy caught me wearing matching underwear today and wahala don happen. He is demanding I take casual leave at once and return home to show him what his bride price money paid for."

"Okkkk. Don’t you usually wear matching underwear or why the drama?"

"What for? You want to kill me? Look at the trouble they have caused already. That's why they only come out on special occasions. Look go away and don’t koba me. He’s threatening to call mum and tell her I'm depriving him of his rights and you know what mums like when it comes to to stuff like that."

Click

One of these days…

Maybe I should ask Mum. She claims to be an authority on all things Man  catching related.

"Mummy somebody called me a flirt. Do you think its true?"

"You? Are they blind? You with your “Sun no fit touch my body” clothing and 8 inch Brazilian hair. I beg let me hear word. Sometimes I wonder if you are really my daughter? When I was your age I didn’t even have enough days to date all the men that wanted me but look at you. Monday to Sunday you are at home burning my diesel and eating my food.. You better go and see how your mates are doing it and stop wasting time. Anyway your father and I have decided that if you don’t bring anyone home before the end of the year we are spending your wedding money on a round the world cruise. A word is enough for the wise.


My own fantasy dream wedding money on a holiday?

Ko le sele.

I beg Boli Lover come, make we talk better thing. A little dieting, some new clothes and we might yet turn you into marriage material.