I’m broke! Will you all come back here? Did I ask any of you for money that you’re running? If I said I was feeling generous and was giving out free cash you’d all be pushing each other over to get to me. Even you Preggy Chick nee SE Chick? Do you think I can’t see your mammoth stomach protruding from behind the sofa? You guys need to see this girl in her Preggy state. If I hadn’t seen her husband alive and well the other day I would have been under the assumption that she had eaten him. She is huge and waddles all over the place like a giant duck. But it’s only a few weeks to go now and I’ll have to think of something else to call her. Till then, Preggy Chick whip out your purse and lend me a tenner now. What’s always wrong with you sef? Its summer and I need to buy myself a pair of hot pants (Anyone that has anything to say about my choice of summer wear should meet me outside later).
Anyway I won’t let the fact that I’m broke or that you are all stingy so and so upset me. Nope! I’m feeling very positive this month. So much so I have decided to make a list of all the things I should be thankful for:
1) I’m alive! To those that owe me money, dislike big opinionated women and who I torment on a regular basis this might not be such good news. To all those not so happy about me being around, I wish you all scaly skin, rashes and killer pimples (Yes! I’m a Christian. What’s your point)?
2) I managed to get my bra unto the second hook today (round of applause please) and when I hold my breath and the light hits me from a certain angle, I can almost see a rib. Hmmm or maybe it was an imprint from that oh so tight sports bra? No! I will not depress myself. It was a rib.
3) I found a fiver in my jeans the other day when I was doing the laundry. Although the fiver has now gone on essentials like Marie Claire magazine and Red bull, it was still a happy moment and one the that emphasised the importance of doing laundry instead of spraying deodorant and Koko Chanel perfume on your clothes.
I can spell dafty. That’s what the perfume’s called. Bought it from a guy on the tube who assured me that Chanel was about to change its brand name and I will be the first to experience the new line. Smells a little like petrol but at £3 a bottle, bring it on. All smokers’ stay a respectful 20 meters away from me at all times.
4) Snogger Dude realised the error of his ways and now stalks me with phone calls begging for me to come back to him. Hehehehehehehehe! Naturally I’m being mature about the whole thing and not rubbing in the fact that he had me and lost me. Yeah right! In yer face Snogger Dude. Next time you will not treat Mena so callously. I am unique you know? I guess I should tell him I ain’t ever coming back but then that’s just being cruel….to me. How am I supposed to have any fun if I don’t keep his dream alive? I’ll let him figure it out for himself.
5) I have found a new celebrity to stalk. My love for Tyrese is dead! Long Live Basket Mouth. Everyone says you’re ugly but I love your nappy hair and irregular features. I will be in Nigeria soon dearest and hopefully if my sister Getting Married Chick manages to pull her finger out you will be all paid for during my stay and I can do with you as I please. Oh Joy!
6) I like my ibi ise. They are always trying to feed me chocolate and other fattening confectionery but other than that they are all quite sweet. To the person that left the Bounty on my desk even after reading the huge “Do not feed the big black Administrator” sign. Pray I never find out who you are because if I do…. Lets just say the new and improved filing system I will create for you won’t be funny.
7) I'm single but at least I'm not with any of my ex boyfriends or ex would be suitors. Ran into one of them other day and between the jumpe jeans and the blind must see bling, I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. To think I spent hours listening to Anita Baker records and crying myself into a stupor wishing he would call me ? Now I know why the say be careful what you wish for.
8)I have my family and friends. I love them. They love me. They are my reason for getting up in the morning. Hmmm. I’m saying the words, I’m hearing the words but I just ain’t feeling the words because I know sometime soon at least one of them will say, do or think of ways to make my life miserable. The joy I take in paying them back though knows no bounds.
At the moment Bunnylicious is top of my hit list for rude and offensive comments and not baking me a 3 tier cake with raspberry and cream cheese frosting. You might well wonder what I want to do with a 3-tier raspberry and cream cheese frosted cake, seeing as I’m on a diet. The answer to that is nothing. I’m just exercising my in-law authority by telling her to make stuff. Anyway she made one for Preggy Chick just because she’s got a bun in the oven. Like she didn’t have fun making the bun and then she gets cake as well? Na lie! Me too I must eat cake or at least use it to decorate my kitchen. Her hubby Just So Dude is in town and her bunny tail is wiggling non-stop. I’ll wait till he’s gone (must maintain the loving and caring in- law persona in front of him) and then I’ll take the wiggle out her tail. Hehehehehe!
Ijebu Chick is always rude and offensive anyway so I can’t really hold that against her but the other day she called my legs “Yammy”. Can you imagine? My own legs “Yammy”. This was even after I showed her my FGC Ogbomosho Miss Hot Legs 1985 Sash, crown and gold embossed certificate. Anyway, I say nothing. Admittedly I haven’t shaved my legs since the last time a shoe buckle got snagged in the hairs (what? It’s cold and I’m using my body hair to conserve heat) but even then she should have been able to see the outline of my nubile young limbs. I am extremely hurt and will require serious begging in the form fried stew and a cheque before I calm down. I was going to report her to her hubby for punishment but I have a funny feeling she would enjoy it.
Getting Married Chick, you just don’t want me to be happy abi? Its bad enough I’m starving myself just so the kids at your wedding don’t think I’m the bouncy castle but to then have you tell me that you might not use my beloved Basket Mouth at your wedding after all…. THAT IS JUST MEAN! It’s not like anybody at wedding needs to eat. Are you going to trade the happiness of your sister for jollof rice? I suggest you get your priorities straight and whip out your checkbook.
Ah! Shouting at people always makes me feel better. Now that I’ve shared my reasons for being happy I suggest you all get lost and leave me to do some work before someone shouts at me and Blogging becomes my number 1 reason for being unemployed.