Don't mess with my spread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bunny go go…a word please!

I returned home from a hard day at work and I was planning to put my feet up and have a nice slice of toast with some chocolate and hazelnut Nutella. Good plan abi? It would be except that my catering size jar of Nutella has disappeared. En en! Wait. Before you start swearing on the life of your 2nd cousin twice removed, listen to what I have to say.

Firstly, you were the last no good, thieving family member to gain access into my home. Secondly, when I heard the other day that you and your hubby had to be rescued by the RSPCA and the fire bridge because your car had been surrounded by a pack of hungry renegade squirrels, I thought nothing of it (well I did because that’s just plain weird but not what I’m thinking now). But now that I’ve discovered that my Nutella is missing, the pieces are starting to click into place. Missing chocolate & HAZELNUT spread, hungry squirrels, squirrels like nuts…see where I’m going with this?

OK! In order to spare you any further embarrassment please return my Nuttella now now. Actually, wait a second...If wildlife with a penchant for nutty snacks are following you down the street that means you’ve been spreading my Nutella on something other than baked goods. Olodumare!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?? My Nutella is not for you to carry out painting by number experiments on your other half. You know what? just keep it and send me £5.99 to buy a replacement jar.

Na wa! Your own don pass kinky o! God forbid I should eat anything that comes out of your kitchen again because only God know where it’s been first. I mean there is even a picture of a little boy eating bread spread generously with the yummy,chocolaty goodness on the label, with the words “serving suggestion” in big bold letters. Can you not follow a simple serving suggestion or you no fit read again? You think that poor boys mother would have let him take part in the advertising campaign if she knew pervs such as yourselves were going to adapt it for obscene practices?? Anyway I don’t even know why I am surprised by you anymore. You better bring yourself over here and let me sprinkle you with some Holy water before you reach the point of kinky no return.

You know what; I don’t even feel like blogging again. I am now forced to eat my toast with “I can’t believe it’s not butter” which is false advertising because they sure ain’t fooling me. For all of you out there who think it’s a good idea to steal somebody else’s beloved chocolate spread “DON’T DO IT”! Its just cruel…sob.

Look! I’m not a prude. I’m all down with the whole food and sex thing but there are other ways to tantalise your other half without committing sacrilege with expensive, yummy spreads. You might want to consider buying that cheap, synthetic tasting stuff from Anne Summers (not that I know what it tastes like. I’ve been told it tastes synthetic) or for all of you who don’t have access to Anne Summers, please consult the list below for other spreadable alternatives. Getting Married Chick, this list is for you. I know how you like to use locally manufactured goods to set the mood . Take notes. You can thank me after the honey moon:

Choco Milo mixed with a little water and mashed to a smooth consistency has an almost similar effect.

Ogi, For those nights you are in the mood for some local loving, (please make sure it’s cold or you want be having any kind of relations for a looooooonnng time to come) is another alternative.

Fan Ice. I personally prefer the plain yogurt flavor.

Limca/Goldspot/Miranda - Take your pick

You also have a wide range of local fruit to experiment with (think 9½ weeks) - Agbalumo, Guava etc

I’ll leave you guys to get started on those and I’m sure you’ll think up some more on your own. But I hope you have all learnt what you can do with a bit of imagination and without having to resort to stealing other people’s spread able confectionery.

Ode to Basket Mouth

Oh my Basky so fine and fair
How I long to run my hands through your nappy hair.
My sister says you have dandruff but I know it ain’t true
She’s just jealous her boo ain’t as cute as you.

Oh my Basky so fine and fair
What must I do to draw you near?
Is it money you seek?
Or looks you desire?
I got them both and my visa credit card hasn’t expired.

Oh my Basky so fine and fair
Stop playing hard to get
Because you are starting to make me fret.
I’ll be home soon don’t forget
And we can make lots of baby baskets.

You did what?

Welcome back ladies and gentleman. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Don’t bother chastising me. You should all have learnt by now that its like water of a duck’s back. You don’t pay my cable bill and so I don’t care what you think. I’ve been busy actually earning my rent and weave on money and so haven’t had time for you freeloaders. But you should be glad I’ve been away for a while cause it means I have a whole load of stuff to tell you.

Firstly, before we begin I would like you all to stand up and show a little appreciation for Orange Broadband and their free laptop offer. All of you repeat after me “Orange ile ise yin ko ni jo non o”! Having acquired my freebie laptop, a whole new world has opened up to me from the comfort of my queen size bed. As Lil Mama says “ I be using it, I be, I be using it. I be logging in, I be I be logging in. My laptop”. I spent the whole Bank holiday weekend watching my true Love Basket Mouth on You Tube. Gee! My boo is so funny. Have also discovered I can watch a whole series of my favourite drama’s in one sitting. Yes this was truly a glorious weekend spent wallowing in my own filth, eating cookie dough ice cream in bed and watching Hero’s. Life is good!


Ok! Guess you all want to know what been up with Mena? Gosh where do I even begin?

- I’ve had payrise. I know! It was truly a miracle with the amount of dedication I put into my work.

- Been almost arrested by the police. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. Do I look like the kind of woman that steals alcohol at 8am in the morning??

- Haven’t managed to find a way to remove my brothers from the evil clutches of Bunny go go licious and Ijebu chick yet but I’m working on it. It will be 10 times harder now especially with Ijebu chick about to drop another Ibadan prince/princess into the mix and Bunny go go spending her entire salary in Anne Summers.

- I still haven’t found a way to ensnare my true love Basky. My sister has let me down AGAIN! She’s just being selfish holding on to both her kidneys when she can survive fine on just one. Go on! Be a sport and sell the other one so you can afford to pay for Basky to come to your wedding.



So many things to talk about. I know! Lets start with my newfound belief in jazz. No ain’t talking about Herbie Hancock. I’m talking about hardcore African juju. I’m an educated woman (No! its not hard to believe sometimes. Prats)! And I like to think I’m level headed and not prone to outrageous flights of fancy but lately I’m beginning to believe there are people out there waiting to slap some funky jazz on my forehead and bend me to their evil will otherwise how do you explain:

The return of Hmmmm Dude

You all remember him. The guy I’d known for ages that I got pretty close too (He saw me in my Primark nightgown) and then he turned round and gave me some story about not knowing what he wants. Well kicked him to the kerb about a year ago and refused to speak to him. I was doing all right but you know how you boys are when you get a taste of the Mena, just can’t leave it alone. So he kept sending me texts and calling and I kept ignoring him.

Then one day something odd happened. He called and I PICKED UP THE PHONE! Why in God’s name did I do that? The only logical explanation… Na jazz. “Ah! Ah! Mena . Chill”! I hear you say. “ It was your subconscious desires to speak to him that made you pick up the phone and not some outdated hocus pocus”. En thank you professor in training. I say na jazz, magoo, black magic or juju that made me do it because it doesn’t end there people. Oh no! It gets much worse. Not only did I start speaking to him again (I had told myself I would be distant and polite but not over friendly and would definitely not meet up with him) he asked me out for a drink and I said Yes! I said yes, bought an outfit and didn’t eat for a week before our date.

I met up with him and before we even got to the restaurant he was holding my hand to cross the street and I was giggling like a crazy Japanese schoolgirl. During dinner (We went to this lovely dim sum restaurant), I let him feed me food. As he was doing it I was thinking Mena!!!!!!!!!!!!! Asewo extraordinaire! Your life don better. You haven’t seen this guy in over a year; he’s a prat and not even a Tyrese look alike prat. So what the hell are you doing?? No be me inner consciousness na the jazz dey work. Anyway after acting like a total desperado on the date I went home and gave myself a good talking too. No more fooling around with the enemy. You enjoyed your free dinner and lets just leave it at that.

2 weeks later we’re talking to each other for at least 3 hours a day, everyday, sending stupid texts and calling each other first thing in the morning. I’m exhausted by all the late night calls and I'm asking myself what I’m doing? But my rational mind has been subdued by jazz and I just can’t break free. Finally 2 months later, through the haze of juju a light breaks through and I’m strong enough to ask the question that all men dread “ What’s going on between us”? And ladies, guess what he said? “I like you and there’s definitely something more than friendship going on here but I’ve got issues I need to sort out”.

Na only God save am because I wanted to remove my limited edition Angie Gooderman shoes and hit him over the head screaming “You no know se you get issues before you dey feed me pork dumplings abi”?? But I’m happy to say I restrained myself and was very dignified about the whole thing. Simply told him I didn’t have time to sustain a one sided relationship and for him to simply bugger off.

He did and 2 months down the line I’m doing OK. I miss him but hey that’s life. I just can’t figure out how I let that happen. Once was bad enough but twice?? I need to get his baba’s number because whatever jazz he used on me, I want some for Tyrese. Anyway, that’s the end of Hmmmm Dude or is it? He sent me some CD’s the other day (probably covered in a new kind of jazz). No note, just the CD’s and I just kept thinking to myself why can’t he just leave me alone? Men! Don’t you just hate them?