Welcome back ladies and gentleman. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Don’t bother chastising me. You should all have learnt by now that its like water of a duck’s back. You don’t pay my cable bill and so I don’t care what you think. I’ve been busy actually earning my rent and weave on money and so haven’t had time for you freeloaders. But you should be glad I’ve been away for a while cause it means I have a whole load of stuff to tell you.
Firstly, before we begin I would like you all to stand up and show a little appreciation for Orange Broadband and their free laptop offer. All of you repeat after me “Orange ile ise yin ko ni jo non o”! Having acquired my freebie laptop, a whole new world has opened up to me from the comfort of my queen size bed. As Lil Mama says “ I be using it, I be, I be using it. I be logging in, I be I be logging in. My laptop”. I spent the whole Bank holiday weekend watching my true Love Basket Mouth on You Tube. Gee! My boo is so funny. Have also discovered I can watch a whole series of my favourite drama’s in one sitting. Yes this was truly a glorious weekend spent wallowing in my own filth, eating cookie dough ice cream in bed and watching Hero’s. Life is good!
Ok! Guess you all want to know what been up with Mena? Gosh where do I even begin?
- I’ve had payrise. I know! It was truly a miracle with the amount of dedication I put into my work.
- Been almost arrested by the police. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. Do I look like the kind of woman that steals alcohol at 8am in the morning??
- Haven’t managed to find a way to remove my brothers from the evil clutches of Bunny go go licious and Ijebu chick yet but I’m working on it. It will be 10 times harder now especially with Ijebu chick about to drop another Ibadan prince/princess into the mix and Bunny go go spending her entire salary in Anne Summers.
- I still haven’t found a way to ensnare my true love Basky. My sister has let me down AGAIN! She’s just being selfish holding on to both her kidneys when she can survive fine on just one. Go on! Be a sport and sell the other one so you can afford to pay for Basky to come to your wedding.
So many things to talk about. I know! Lets start with my newfound belief in jazz. No ain’t talking about Herbie Hancock. I’m talking about hardcore African juju. I’m an educated woman (No! its not hard to believe sometimes. Prats)! And I like to think I’m level headed and not prone to outrageous flights of fancy but lately I’m beginning to believe there are people out there waiting to slap some funky jazz on my forehead and bend me to their evil will otherwise how do you explain:
The return of Hmmmm Dude
You all remember him. The guy I’d known for ages that I got pretty close too (He saw me in my Primark nightgown) and then he turned round and gave me some story about not knowing what he wants. Well kicked him to the kerb about a year ago and refused to speak to him. I was doing all right but you know how you boys are when you get a taste of the Mena, just can’t leave it alone. So he kept sending me texts and calling and I kept ignoring him.
Then one day something odd happened. He called and I PICKED UP THE PHONE! Why in God’s name did I do that? The only logical explanation… Na jazz. “Ah! Ah! Mena . Chill”! I hear you say. “ It was your subconscious desires to speak to him that made you pick up the phone and not some outdated hocus pocus”. En thank you professor in training. I say na jazz, magoo, black magic or juju that made me do it because it doesn’t end there people. Oh no! It gets much worse. Not only did I start speaking to him again (I had told myself I would be distant and polite but not over friendly and would definitely not meet up with him) he asked me out for a drink and I said Yes! I said yes, bought an outfit and didn’t eat for a week before our date.
I met up with him and before we even got to the restaurant he was holding my hand to cross the street and I was giggling like a crazy Japanese schoolgirl. During dinner (We went to this lovely dim sum restaurant), I let him feed me food. As he was doing it I was thinking Mena!!!!!!!!!!!!! Asewo extraordinaire! Your life don better. You haven’t seen this guy in over a year; he’s a prat and not even a Tyrese look alike prat. So what the hell are you doing?? No be me inner consciousness na the jazz dey work. Anyway after acting like a total desperado on the date I went home and gave myself a good talking too. No more fooling around with the enemy. You enjoyed your free dinner and lets just leave it at that.
2 weeks later we’re talking to each other for at least 3 hours a day, everyday, sending stupid texts and calling each other first thing in the morning. I’m exhausted by all the late night calls and I'm asking myself what I’m doing? But my rational mind has been subdued by jazz and I just can’t break free. Finally 2 months later, through the haze of juju a light breaks through and I’m strong enough to ask the question that all men dread “ What’s going on between us”? And ladies, guess what he said? “I like you and there’s definitely something more than friendship going on here but I’ve got issues I need to sort out”.
Na only God save am because I wanted to remove my limited edition Angie Gooderman shoes and hit him over the head screaming “You no know se you get issues before you dey feed me pork dumplings abi”?? But I’m happy to say I restrained myself and was very dignified about the whole thing. Simply told him I didn’t have time to sustain a one sided relationship and for him to simply bugger off.
He did and 2 months down the line I’m doing OK. I miss him but hey that’s life. I just can’t figure out how I let that happen. Once was bad enough but twice?? I need to get his baba’s number because whatever jazz he used on me, I want some for Tyrese. Anyway, that’s the end of Hmmmm Dude or is it? He sent me some CD’s the other day (probably covered in a new kind of jazz). No note, just the CD’s and I just kept thinking to myself why can’t he just leave me alone? Men! Don’t you just hate them?