No! That didn't just happen.

Mena is not happy! You wanna know why? Where are you going? Will you come back here? What do you mean you have stuff to do? Sit down my friend. Now listen…

As you might have read in my last blog I am being unfairly persecuted at work. All theses things they have said about me; It’s all lieeeeesss. Lies I tell you. I was feeling dopey so I decided to cheer myself up by doing some shopping. There I was in TK Maxx minding my own business and wondering why I couldn’t fit my delicate little tootsies into a pair of size 7 boots. Winter is fast approaching (yes I know it only May) and I need a new pair of boots. These are perfect. They are black, flat and long…very on trend. More importantly they are reduced to £29.99. Barrrrrrrrggaain!!! My leg must enter by force. I finally manage to zip them over my calves and hobble to the mirror to admire myself. Ok they pinch a bit but I’m sure that will pass. I’ve also lost all circulation in my lower region and I’m experiencing a peculiar tingling sensation. But I ain’t dead yet which means I should be able to manage them.

Brain to Mena: Shoes are too tight. Please return to the shelf and stop deceiving yourself.

Mena to brain: I am your master so I suggest you shut up with the unhelpful comments and start sending messages to the receptor cells in my feet telling them that they feel no pain.

Brain to Mena: have tried sending specified message but feet receptor cells are not responding. I fear they may all be dead.

Fine! I’ll take off the shoes but let it be known brain that I am not happy with your inability to withstand pain for fashion. As I struggle to remove my now swollen feet from the accursed boots I spot a woman heading towards my general direction. I eye her suspiciously. Has she spotted my boots? No! She can’t have them. They hurt like hell but I refuse to let another woman walk away with my on trend designer bargain whilst I’m forced to wear thick orthopaedic shoes from Clarks after killing all the cells in my feet. I’d rather buy them and just put them in my closet until my feet miraculously shrink than let her have them.

She stands a few meters away pretending to look at stuff and then finally approaches me.

"Sorry I couldn’t help noticing that the shoes you’re trying on were a bit tight. Do you mind if I try them on"?

Lady, hell yes I mind. Don’t come slinking over here with your I’m so skinny and hot I might just burst into flames attitude. But naturally being sane I didn’t say all that. I just put on my dealing with crazy members of the public persona, smiled and said

"I’m sorry but I’ve decided to get them".

"Oh, are you sure??? You did look very uncomfortable".

Ah ah ! Na fight? Did my feet write you a letter of complaint or what part of bugger off, I’m getting the shoes did you not get?

"I’m quite sure but thanks for your concern".

I quickly gather up my too small boots and head to the till. Standing on the line, waiting to pay I’m starting to have 2nd thoughts. Was I really going to buy these instruments of torture just because I don’t want someone else to have them? Hell yeah! Who cares if I never wear them? I’ll save them for Baskelina... mine and Basky’s love child. I’m sure they will be back on trend by the time she’s old enough.

"Excuse me" says a voice behind me.

It better not be skinny jeans chick or I might just snap and whooop her ass.

I turn round and gasp in horror as I am confronted by a clown thrusting a card in my face. On closer inspection I realise it’s just a lady wearing waaaaaayyyy too much neon eye shadow and unattractive clothes in primary colours


I take the proffered card, read it and realise that right here in TK Maxx, the home of designer bargains, my enemies have sent one of their minions to find me. They know I have promised not to sepe in exchange for not having to spend another millennium as a single and maybe unemployed woman. So they are taking advantage of the situation. People, her card read

Helga Putski
Specialising in makeovers, style advise and colour mapping.

I eye her slowly wondering why this woman in florescent eye shadow felt the need to annoy me. What exactly had she seen that made her think I needed her services?? Is she blind or can’t she see I’m already a vision of loveliness in my Island Cosmetics (You can all laugh. The lipstick I’m wearing is 99 pence and apart from a slight stinging sensation and an inability to feel the right side of my face, it’s just as good as Mac. I will need all my dole money for food so time to start looking for alternatives to my luxury brand)? Not to mention the fact that I am buying this seasons “it” boots. Are those the actions of someone that needs style advise? OK! My hair might be a tad due but I’m hot enough to get away with it. Anyway if her eye shadow and panda eyelashes were anything to go by there was no way in hell I was letting her near me. The age of disco is dead woman. Keep your day glo colours to yourself.

I give her back her card, smile sweetly and say thanks but no thanks. She looks shocked.

"Are you sure? The consultation is free and I really think you could benefit from it".

OK! Enough is enough. I took the 1st insult on the cheek but now it’s going too far. I only promised not to sepe, I didn’t say anything about not throwing tight designer shoes at people.

“I’m really not interested thank you all the same“.

“OK that’s fine. Maybe you might be interested in my other services” she says offering me another card.

I sigh and take the card out of politeness and read the words

Helga Putski
Immigration Lawyer

"Who sent you"?

"I beg your pardon"

"You are begging my pardon? I SAY WHO SEND YOU COME?? Ta lo ron e wa" ?

"I’m sorry I don’t understand what you are saying" she says starting to shuffle away.

"Where are you going? Sebi you want to be helpful. Come here let me help you be helpful". I said heading towards her.

"No really it’s quite alright. I didn’t mean to offend you".

"You imply that I look like an unattractive illegal immigrant then you say you didn’t mean to offend me? Na lie! You cannot say that and get away with. Come here and let me show you something".

I reach into my handbag and...

“Securityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!” Help me she’s got a gun!!!

What the hell?! What gun? I was going to show her my Pali with 100% authentic visa.

Next thing I know I am being tackled to the floor by some overzealous gorilla in an unattractive red TK Maxx t-shirt, my hand bag is ripped from my hand and my “it” boots go flying through air and right into the arms of skinny jeans chick.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! My boots!!!!! Get off me you pillock. She’s stealing my boots.

And so she was. Skinny Jean chick was making a run for it to the nearest till and the girl wasn’t looking back. In the meantime I was having my face shoved into the unwashed floor of TK Maxx surrounded by a crowd of cheapskate shoppers who can’t pay full price for designer stuff. This soooooo cannot be happening.

Mena on the dole?

Help! Mena is in trouble. This is not the time to tell me off over my lack of dedication to blogging. I am being falsely accused of crimes I have not committed. I need a pro bono employment lawyer ASAP. Let me start from the beginning. I got into work and….

I’m sooooooooooo bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been here for an hour and I’ve already cleared out my desk drawer…so that’s where I put that half eaten bag of plantain chips. Eya! And I’ve already cursed that roly-poly from accounts as she was seen loitering round my desk the afternoon it went missing. I suppose I should apologise to her for putting those drawing pins in her chair support in retaliation. The poor thing hasn’t been able to sit down properly for a month. Actually, won’t bother with the apology. There were rumours of disciplinary action being taken should the culprit ever be caught. I can barely afford to buy luxury brand goods like Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut; so getting disciplined or sacked is not on my future agenda. I feel remorse so that should suffice.

Within the hour I have also made a full set of matching paper clip jewellery. Very Stylish. As a gesture of goodwill I walked over to Telly tubby who, with the whole drawing pin/back incident, was perched precariously on a stool, to offer to make her some. She eyes me suspiciously as I approach (she knows I did it but she has no proof. Hehehehehe. Sorry Lord I am very remorseful).

“Hello look what I made”.

Her eyes rove over my paper clip adorned features and then do you know what Tinky Winkys sister said to me?

“Mena I hope you know it’s against office policy to use stationery supplies for your personal amusement”.

Emi personal amusement? This is a legitimate business enterprise. One-day paper clip jewellery will adorn the likes of P Diddy. It will be the new bling of choice and this one is talking about personal amusement. Nonsense. You see Lord? Not that I am justifying the drawing pin incident for which we have ascertained that I feel remorse, but some people deserve to be pricked by sharp pointy things for their stupidity. I hissed and started walking back to my desk.

“Mena before you go”…

I turned around and the crazy thing had pulled out her calculator and was typing away.

“Mena according to my calculations you now owe the company £5.96 for the paper clips. I would appreciate it if you could hand over the money to anyone in the accounts department before the end of the day then we won’t have to take further action”

I don suffer finish. £5.96 for what? God forbid I should give my KFC variety meal money (I beg shut up. I have decided to accept my faith as a plus size midget and will no longer tolerate any comments about my eating habits) to these people. This is bullying in the work place. I stomp back to my desk, grab my coat and head out for an early lunch.

I feel better. I have taken my frustration out on a defenceless breadcrumb coated chicken and chanced an old woman for the last sit on the bus. I will ignore these peasants that do not know that in my country my papa could have them knee capped. I will give them their £5.96 and make up for it by stealing toilet roll and window cleaner from the supply cupboard. I am at peace and all is well with the world again. I settle down at my desk and start going through my e-mails. There is one from HR. What is it now? Why won’t this people just let me do some work and go home. That thing better not have gone to report me or else she will find more than drawing pins her chair next time. Its because I am God fearing Christian woman that I haven’t gone to visit one of those Marabouts of International fame to help me use juju to glue her mouth shut. Nonsense…she should keep trying me.




Dear Mena

With regards to your progress within the company I am afraid to say that several issues have been brought to our attention that we would like to discuss with you during your appraisal next week.

1) It has been pointed out that you are in the habit of kissing your teeth at other members of staff. As you can appreciate they find this behaviour rude and aggressive. I can appreciate we all get stressed in the office at times but kissing your teeth and leaving voodoo dolls of other members of staff around the office is not the best way to address the issue.


2) You constantly use the word “Weree” when dealing with staff and customers. During your last review you were asked about this and you told us that it was a term of endearment from your country. Further investigation has led us to believe that this is not necessarily true. I have been informed that it is actually a way of implying that someone is insane. Why would you want to say this to people?


3) You were observed shouting at candidate as he tried to help himself to the complimentary chocolates in reception. I believe the phrase you used was “Na your papa own Cadbury’s? Abi you no know say you go chop before you come for interview. I beg leave the thing for me my friend.” Might I remind you that they are “Complimentary” and that your role is to ensure that you make our guests feel comfortable?


4) You are constantly inappropriately dressed for the office. Your manager has addressed this issue with you previously, when you turned up to work in what I believe you called a “bubu” and flip-flops. Whilst we are sympathetic to your weight issues, we are a place of business and not your local Weight Watchers meeting. We cannot have you representing us to our clients dressed in that manner.


5) You have had 68 sick days since taking up employment with us. Whilst I appreciate that you come from a large family with several wives. I find it odd that your step grand parents seem to only pass away on Fridays and Mondays. Also you were observed taking part in Karaoke night at the Lion & Bear pub on a day you had called in sick with tonsillitis. Also might I add that not liking your weave does not constitute as mental stress and is not a legitimate reason to take a day off.


6) You have been observed shoving foreign objects into the photocopier. I am assuming this is so you can call out the service engineer, who has previously made a complaint against you for sexual harassment. Might I remind you that we have to pay for the call out charges and that this not a singles bar but a serious place of business. You have been warned on many occasions regarding your predatory behaviour towards our male clients.


7) The cleaning supplies in the office are meant for the office. You seem to think they are perk of working for us as you have been observed on many occasions taking toilet roll and other cleaning supplies for your own personal use. All missing supplies will now be deducted from your salary.

I hope you will be able consider your response to this points over the weekend so we can have a productive meeting on Monday.

Have a great weekend

HR Team

My own don finish. They are going to sack me!