Help! Mena is in trouble. This is not the time to tell me off over my lack of dedication to blogging. I am being falsely accused of crimes I have not committed. I need a pro bono employment lawyer ASAP. Let me start from the beginning. I got into work and….
I’m sooooooooooo bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been here for an hour and I’ve already cleared out my desk drawer…so that’s where I put that half eaten bag of plantain chips. Eya! And I’ve already cursed that roly-poly from accounts as she was seen loitering round my desk the afternoon it went missing. I suppose I should apologise to her for putting those drawing pins in her chair support in retaliation. The poor thing hasn’t been able to sit down properly for a month. Actually, won’t bother with the apology. There were rumours of disciplinary action being taken should the culprit ever be caught. I can barely afford to buy luxury brand goods like Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut; so getting disciplined or sacked is not on my future agenda. I feel remorse so that should suffice.
Within the hour I have also made a full set of matching paper clip jewellery. Very Stylish. As a gesture of goodwill I walked over to Telly tubby who, with the whole drawing pin/back incident, was perched precariously on a stool, to offer to make her some. She eyes me suspiciously as I approach (she knows I did it but she has no proof. Hehehehehe. Sorry Lord I am very remorseful).
“Hello look what I made”.
Her eyes rove over my paper clip adorned features and then do you know what Tinky Winkys sister said to me?
“Mena I hope you know it’s against office policy to use stationery supplies for your personal amusement”.
Emi personal amusement? This is a legitimate business enterprise. One-day paper clip jewellery will adorn the likes of P Diddy. It will be the new bling of choice and this one is talking about personal amusement. Nonsense. You see Lord? Not that I am justifying the drawing pin incident for which we have ascertained that I feel remorse, but some people deserve to be pricked by sharp pointy things for their stupidity. I hissed and started walking back to my desk.
“Mena before you go”…
I turned around and the crazy thing had pulled out her calculator and was typing away.
“Mena according to my calculations you now owe the company £5.96 for the paper clips. I would appreciate it if you could hand over the money to anyone in the accounts department before the end of the day then we won’t have to take further action”
I don suffer finish. £5.96 for what? God forbid I should give my KFC variety meal money (I beg shut up. I have decided to accept my faith as a plus size midget and will no longer tolerate any comments about my eating habits) to these people. This is bullying in the work place. I stomp back to my desk, grab my coat and head out for an early lunch.
I feel better. I have taken my frustration out on a defenceless breadcrumb coated chicken and chanced an old woman for the last sit on the bus. I will ignore these peasants that do not know that in my country my papa could have them knee capped. I will give them their £5.96 and make up for it by stealing toilet roll and window cleaner from the supply cupboard. I am at peace and all is well with the world again. I settle down at my desk and start going through my e-mails. There is one from HR. What is it now? Why won’t this people just let me do some work and go home. That thing better not have gone to report me or else she will find more than drawing pins her chair next time. Its because I am God fearing Christian woman that I haven’t gone to visit one of those Marabouts of International fame to help me use juju to glue her mouth shut. Nonsense…she should keep trying me.
With regards to your progress within the company I am afraid to say that several issues have been brought to our attention that we would like to discuss with you during your appraisal next week.
1) It has been pointed out that you are in the habit of kissing your teeth at other members of staff. As you can appreciate they find this behaviour rude and aggressive. I can appreciate we all get stressed in the office at times but kissing your teeth and leaving voodoo dolls of other members of staff around the office is not the best way to address the issue.
2) You constantly use the word “Weree” when dealing with staff and customers. During your last review you were asked about this and you told us that it was a term of endearment from your country. Further investigation has led us to believe that this is not necessarily true. I have been informed that it is actually a way of implying that someone is insane. Why would you want to say this to people?
3) You were observed shouting at candidate as he tried to help himself to the complimentary chocolates in reception. I believe the phrase you used was “Na your papa own Cadbury’s? Abi you no know say you go chop before you come for interview. I beg leave the thing for me my friend.” Might I remind you that they are “Complimentary” and that your role is to ensure that you make our guests feel comfortable?
4) You are constantly inappropriately dressed for the office. Your manager has addressed this issue with you previously, when you turned up to work in what I believe you called a “bubu” and flip-flops. Whilst we are sympathetic to your weight issues, we are a place of business and not your local Weight Watchers meeting. We cannot have you representing us to our clients dressed in that manner.
5) You have had 68 sick days since taking up employment with us. Whilst I appreciate that you come from a large family with several wives. I find it odd that your step grand parents seem to only pass away on Fridays and Mondays. Also you were observed taking part in Karaoke night at the Lion & Bear pub on a day you had called in sick with tonsillitis. Also might I add that not liking your weave does not constitute as mental stress and is not a legitimate reason to take a day off.
6) You have been observed shoving foreign objects into the photocopier. I am assuming this is so you can call out the service engineer, who has previously made a complaint against you for sexual harassment. Might I remind you that we have to pay for the call out charges and that this not a singles bar but a serious place of business. You have been warned on many occasions regarding your predatory behaviour towards our male clients.
7) The cleaning supplies in the office are meant for the office. You seem to think they are perk of working for us as you have been observed on many occasions taking toilet roll and other cleaning supplies for your own personal use. All missing supplies will now be deducted from your salary.
I hope you will be able consider your response to this points over the weekend so we can have a productive meeting on Monday.
Have a great weekend
My own don finish. They are going to sack me!