I'm in church.
Normally this really shouldn’t be too much of a surprise but it’s a Wednesday evening and we all know my commitment to my Christian life get the occasional “K” leg. But drastic times call for drastic measures. The re-emergence of Hmm Dude and other dodgy male acquaintances in my life leads me to believe I require spiritual intervention.
Anyway, seems I’m not the only one requiring intervention as church is pretty crowded. Naturally, old habits die hard and I can’t help but cast my “Single, fine boy” radar round the room.
ALERT! TARGET ACQUIRED!
I can spot a lonesome cutie towards the front of the hall. I adjust what my mama gave me and head towards the empty seat next to him. Suddenly my sessy spider senses start tingling and from the corner of my eye I spot another desperate single lady heading towards him on the opposite aisle. She catches my eye and we both give each other the once over.
We Man Eaters…We know ourselves.
She’s slimmer than me, very few might say prettier and those might even be real LV alligator platforms she’s wearing but I’ve got something she hasn’t… flat shoes.
Take that sister! I think as I start to power walk towards the prize.
Chia! This seat far o and Alligator Heels seems to be one of those annoying sisters who can run a marathon in heels. Damn my mother and her “No heels till you graduate rule”. I’m starting to lose my breath and beads of sweat are beginning to collect on my dainty nose. This is not good. Not the first impression I want to give the cutie but no time to stop and get a tissue out of my bag now; Alligator Heels is only 2 strides behind me. I know my mother and every self respecting lady would pass out in horror right now but I don’t care as I use my hands to wipe my sweaty face and rub them on the back of my dress.
Story. Na u go marry me?
Ah ha! Alligator girl just stumbled over a cable. Thank u Lord for signs and wonders. This bobo is mine.
Just as I come up to his row and make to sit down….the devil strikes
“Hello Madam can you sit on this row please?” says a stern looking usher blocking my path.
Ushers!!! Why are they always getting in my way?
I contemplate carrying out some evasive maneuvers and plunking myself down on my seat of choice. Its not like she can’t forcibly remove me from the seat or can she?
I give her the once over…She looks hard and I haven’t eaten today. So I decided not to try her and do the next best thing…Lie
“Sorry... That’s my brother. He’s holding the sit for me.” I say, giving her my best “God fearing sister” look
God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me.
Oh no! Alligator Heels has beaten me to it.
She gives me a smug look as she comes in under the usher radar on the opposite side; sidling past other people on the row to plunk herself next to him. The hussy has already even pretended to drop her bible and now she’s giggling as he hands it back to her.
The girl is not even smooth. That’s sooooo been done.
“Are you sure that’s your brother?” Asks the usher looking quizzically at me
Kilode?! Na you get monopoly on brothers or what?
“Seems to have let your seat go. Boys will be boys huh?” she says laughing
Hissss….Komot for road my friend. Enemy of romantic progress.
I seat down on the row she indicted earlier and I’m already distressed as the guy seating next to me with the Kid and Play haircut circa 1980, feels the need to introduce himself. I immediately pretend to be deep in prayer to avoid further conversation. To make matters worse; I’m going to be smack bang in the middle of the pastor’s line of sight. I hate being too close to the podium. I’m always scared pastors can read my thoughts and they can see the sin just radiating off my body. Now I’ll actually have to listen instead of fantasizing about what I would buy if God rewards me for paying my tithes by leaving money on the road for me to find.
The choir finally stops singing and I can hear the pastor saying “Hello” so I figure it’s safe to open my eyes. Highly unlikely the chap sitting next to me will engage in convo during the sermon. So I raise my head and look up into the most mesmerizing pair of eyes I’ve ever seen.
Haaaa!!! What have I been doing in church all these months? How come I never noticed how cute the pastor was? I really must stop sitting so far back.
He‘s preaching and staring straight at me like we’re the only 2 people in the room.
Errrr…I think you’ll find he’s staring into the camera right above your head and not you.
Shut it Brain.
Can’t you see?! This isn’t a coincidence. Everything that’s been happening has led us to this point in time when I would come face to face with my destiny.
OK you’re talking crazy now or should I say crazier than usual. Your blood sugar must be low…Eat some gum.
Sod the gum. I’m busy listening to the man who’s going make my mama’s dreams come true.
I can hardly contain my excitement. My sis Annoying Married Chick goes to the same church and she did say she would be here for evening service. I look around but I don’t see her, so I decide to send her a bb message.
MENA: Hey sis just had a revelation. I’ve been so blind. What I’ve been looking for has been right under my nose all this time. God was just waiting for me to make a stronger commitment to my spiritual side.
AMC: Stop bbing in church you sinner. What are you on about? What stronger commitment?
MENA: Coming to mid week service.
AMC: Hisss…You’ve come to one mid-week service. Big deal. Your mates are shaving their heads and sleeping in church.
MENA: Wo'eva. God has revealed my man to me.
AMC: *Yawn* Who? The badly dressed man you and your over bleached sister in asewo behavior were running to go and sit next to? You think I didn’t see you? You’re just an embarrassment. Thank God I’ve changed my last name.
MENA: Pleeeeeeaassse *Eyes Rolling*. She can have him. The pastor is in a whole different league*Love Struck*
AMC: Sorry did you say the pastor? That’s your God sent man?
MENA: Yep *Big Smile*
All of a sudden my bbing and the pastor’s sermon is cut short by the sound of hysterical laughter coming from the back of the church. I can see ushers rushing over but whoever it is can’t seem to stop laughing. Next thing I know, I see my sister - Annoying Married Chick, practically being carried out of the church cause she’s laughing so hard she can hardly stand.
Philistine! Can you imagine being so frivolous in the house of God? The girl obviously has brain touch. Thank God she does have a different last name. Not sure the church council would approve of such inappropriate family members when I'm presented as the soon to be Mrs.Pastor.
What could have been so funny anyway?