It may be a blinddate but I ain't blind

Wow! That’s what you are all thinking. 3 additions to the blog in one week. Go Mena! Go Mena! I know…I’m way to good to you guys. Please feel free to show your appreciation in monetary terms. I can hear you stingy ones out there grumbling (Ijebu Chick, I know you are not called that because of the geography of your birth. Please extract at least £20 from the money you hide in your knicker drawer) about my constant demands for funds. You can’t blame me for wanting to continue to live my lavish lifestyle. Rocking fake Gucci, Fendi and Prada ain’t cheap you know. Anyway don’t get used to this constant blogging. I have J O B and don’t have time for all this bonding. The only reason this week has been so bloggy is because the curse is upon me. So everything annoys me and hence I have more to moan about.

I work in an office with 5 other women and believe me for one week in every month we all get verrrrrrry touchy. All the men huddle in a little corner of the office in fear for their lives. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for the men in the office because one of the girls went on a crappy blind date. He was awful, she told him in a nice way he was awful. Yes fella’s! When a girl tells you “I like you but I just want to be friends”. She really means “God forbid I should let anyone I know see me with you in public, let alone think we are dating”. You would think he would take rejection like a REAL MAN and move on but we all now that there is no such thing as a real man. They are a myth created a long time ago by Loser Dudes to ensure that we poor girls keep dating them in the hope that we might eventually run into one. Anyway not being a REAL MAN he proceeded to demand £39 from her as payment for the food and entertainment during the date. All in all it wasn’t a good day to be a man.

Have any of you ever been on a blind date??? Don’t be shy…just stick does hands up and be counted. Chances are we’ve all been there and done that. In this day and age there is no shame in it. The shame comes from having to narrate the horror of what happened to you to your friends afterward because apart from the one instance of IT Dude and Ijebu Chick don’t know of any successful blind dates. Actually did I ever tell you their story??? Well it was like this….

Once upon a time there was a girl called Ijebu Chick who lived in a ghetto castle in London with SE chick. After many a moon of being chased and dating raso princes who drove Toyotas and considered singing Ololufemi songs as the height of romance. Ijebu Chick grew bored. Sometimes she wondered, “Could there be more to life and love? Surely there must be something better than being fed pounded yam by your man? Or going for strolls round Peckham market” One day whilst sitting in her ghetto castle watching Sura the Tailor or was it Samanja? It escapes me…a friend called her up and asked her over for dinner. “I would like you to meet a friend of my husbands” she said. Ijebu chick pondered and then thought what the hell! She turned up and was immediately wowed by the non rasoness. He could say a whole sentence in English without breaking into Yoruba. Several scoops of Hagendaz later (and you all think I’m a cheap date. Might I point out that a meal at Nando’s is nothing less than £5.99, whilst Hagendaz is like 3 quid. I rest my case) the girl was a goner. So they fell in love, got married and had a little Ibadan/Ijebu princess and lived happily ever after. Awwwwwwwww…. That’s the way we all hope blind dates will end but in reality it’s a whole different story.

I am going to be unselfish and use myself as an example for the what and what not to expect from a blind date. Woe betide anyone who feels the need to use these to insult or ridicule me in future.

Do consider the person setting you up on the blind date before saying yes.
Someone at work once set me up on a blind date. She said her boyfriend had a really hot friend that I just had to meet. Being single, bored and desperate I thought what the hell. What I actually should have been thinking was… Wasn’t this the girl that told me last week that she thought Shabba Ranks was hot??? And whose boyfriends sole ambition in life was to see how much jewellery he could fit round neck before he collapsed under the sheer weight of them. So what on earth could this guy possibly look like if that was the scale she was working from? I never actually found out as during the date I was constantly being blinded by the glare from the light hitting the 24-carat grill in his mouth.

Do expect to pay for your meal and his
Guys I’m not difficult. I know I sound evil most of the time but that’s just a façade I put on. Me…I’m all sweetness and light until some guy offers to take me out to dinner and then expects me to pay. I’m all down for equal opportunity dating but If you CALL ME, ASK ME out to dinner and YOU PICK THE RESTAURANT…please don’t expect my visa card to make an appearance at any point during the night. Once went on a blind date with a guy who instructed me not to eat anything as he was taking me out for a slap up meal. You know what I’m like when it comes to food, especially free food. I was all excited. He came to pick me up and said he needed to stop to get some cash. Lo and behold his card was refused at every major cash point in London. At this stage I was sooo hungry and fed up I was quite happy to gnaw my own feet off just so I wouldn’t pass out. We ended up at Pizza Hut where I had to pay for dinner and then the stupid pot bellied dwarf had the nerve tell me not to put mushrooms on the pizza because he didn’t like them. Naturally I ordered extra mushrooms and took great joy in watching him pick them off. To say the least I didn’t bother taking his calls after that.

Don’t expect a happy ending
I’ve been on dates where you actually have a nice time. You actually think this might be going somewhere and then the glow of the date wears off. Ladies! We aren’t the only ones who make an effort for the first date. Guys have been known to have a bath, comb their hair and even floss to make a good impression. They will appear charming, witty and on the ball during dinner. Hold open your door as you enter their borrowed from a mate to impress car. Buy you popcorn to share in the cinema. Give you a peck on the chick when they drop you off at home. You call your girlfriends and talk till 3am planning your wedding because as far as you are concerned this is it. The next date or 2 though are totally different. At this stage they’ve probably heard from the person who set you guys up that you like them. They figure if they’ve got you to date number three you are a goner; So no need to pretend. Your next date goes like this:

1) Instead of picking you up in his mates Beemer he tells you to meet him at the movies instead.



2) He tells you he has given up his job in the city to find his true calling. So no dinner this time as his giro cheque hasn’t cleared.

3) He tells you buy yourself a tub of popcorn, as the one he just bought won’t be enough for both of you. He also throws in the fact that you managed to eat more popcorn than him the last time you shared.

4) You almost crack your skull open when the door you thought he was going to hold open for you whacks you in the face.

5) He does see you to your front door though more because you can’t walk straight after the door incident and he figures after 3 dates he deserves the prize of seeing you without any clothes on.

I could go on and on but to be honest it would just make life harder for the guys at work as all this constant reminiscing is bound to put me in a man-hating mood. So people live and learn. Enjoy your blind date. If it turns out crappy, just move on and laugh about it and if it turns out to be a fairy tale in the making…don’t tell me about it. I’ll only become more bitter and twisted.

Sign here

Just thought of another reason why I hate Mondays.

I slave all day at work and today is the one day I have nothing to look forward to when I get home. There is absolutely nothing to watch on telly. As I occasionally remember to pay my monthly TV license fee I think I am allowed to complain about the utter rubbish I am being forced to watch on a regular basis. Yes! I could read a book but my imagination has now been totally corrupted by my constant need for Tyrese. I see him everywhere. You try reading Little Women with Tyrese as ALL the characters. Doesn’t have the same effect. It actually gets creepy after awhile. A full skirt and bowed hat are so not a look he should be experimenting with.

Anyway I don’t want to read a book. I want to be a couch potato. Scoffing down my dinner whilst being thrilled by the joy of modern day programming. I tell you, if I didn’t have Dr.Who saving the world every Saturday night I might actually be forced to leave my house and do something sociable like visit someone. Yuck! Doesn’t even bear thinking about. I shall start a petition to bring back decent programmes. Classics such as Hawaii 5 O, Kojak and my all time favourite SPACE 1999(I secretly used to pretend I was Mia. Turn into monster and eat my younger brother when he was p…… me off). I can hardly wait. I expect all of you to agree with me and sign my petition. You cannot enjoy my ranting and then expect me to go home and suffer the torment of Big Brother, X factor and assorted crappy channel 5 documentaries.

Cable is just as bad…especially now that they have refused to reconnect me to the Naughty Housewife channel. Really! I think I was totally justified in not paying for Tyrese does Texas. I fell asleep 5 minutes into the film (was exhausted from watching Tyrese does Las Vegas and Tyrese sings the blues naked). So technically didn’t watch it and so don’t see why I have to pay for it. I’m starting to weaken though. I need my Tyrese fix and seeing as he hasn’t got his lazy ass up to record another album; MTV doesn’t show any videos of him. So I can’t get any freebie looks at him. That’s it I’ve made up mind. I will be starting another petition to get my man Tyrese back into the studio or at least making another unwatchable “Too fast to Furious” movie. THERE WILL BE NO DEBATES ON THIS ISSUE! YOU WILL ALL SIGN.

You will also be campaigning for a channel dedicated only to Law and Order and CSI 24 hours a day, 7days a week. I love those programmes. Anything that shows you how to dispose of people and not get caught gets my vote. I have a lot of people on my “You’re lucky I don’t want to go to prison” list. Number 1 being that annoying woman on the bus. She’s there every single day on my way home from work. She spreads all her stuff over the adjoining seat and then makes you wait 5 minutes before she moves her stuff, grumbling all the time she’s doing it . Once you’ve finally managed to get your self settled on the few inches she’s generously given you (seeing as she obviously owns the entire transport network) she then proceeds to whip out her phone and have the loudest conversation in the world. I’m just waiting for them to show an episode where a woman is beaten to death with her mobile phone and then chucked through the window of the top deck of a moving bus. That is day I wait for in joyful anticipation.

But really, coming from a country whereby interrogation involves being beaten half to death with a baton and where most confessions start with the words “ I confess officer now please stop stepping on my privates, get your Alsatian to stop gnawing on my toes and please release my 96 year old mother and her entire village from the holding cell”… I am constantly fascinated by all the technology that goes into finding out who did what to whom. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not dissing my beloved country but people lets be real. Raise up your hands anyone who has ever bothered reporting a crime to the police in Nigeria. What would be the point? Not sure they even bother teaching forensics at Police College these days. Do we still have Police College?? Hmmmm…I’m depressed now. My dreams of one day becoming Niger’s top criminologist have now turned to dust. Sob!

I have nothing to look forward to tonight and I might be forced to call unsuitable men due to sheer boredom. Speaking of which Hmmm Dude resurfaced again last week after I banished him from Mena world for being an annoying twerp. You would think he would be grovelling and sobbing for forgiveness but being a man he just calls and wants to start gisting like I spoke to him yesterday instead of 6 months ago. Not falling for that trick. He either gets his grovelling groove on or he can go back to having pointless conversations with girls that don’t have my intellectual appeal.

Anyway I actually haven’t done any work today. Payday is fast approaching and I refuse to suffer the indignity of buying Asda’s own brand toilet paper next week because I had my pay docked for entertaining you guys. So goodbye and good riddance.

Once upon a time.....

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Please not another Monday. I so don’t think I can handle another one, especially not after the weekend I just had. Contrary to what you might all be thinking I’m not about to launch into some tale of woe. I’ll do that later. First I just want to tell you all that Bunny go go licious has finally got her man. Yep! That’s right the 5 year romantic saga of the girl with the bunny pants and the guy with the pristine finger nails has finally reached the end of another chapter. On the 19th of August 2006 She finally said “I do” to Just So Dude and now they are going to ride off in the sunset and make little bunnies and dudes. Sniff! I love a happy ending.

It was a lovely day. She looked lovely, he looked lovely and naturally I looked amazing. It just felt really nice to be part of something so special. I think sometimes going to weddings when you hardly know the people involved; you forget what the whole things about. You’re more interested in what the bride is wearing and who is sooooo not looking right in their “its way too tight but you were £2.50 on sale at Karen Millen dress.” By the way …excuse me whilst I digress for a moment… I might be mistaken but aren’t we in the year 2006?? That’s what I thought so why do some brides still insist on wearing…God I can’t even bring myself to say it…gloves??

I read Ijebu Chicks vast Ovation collection (I know! She is just so rass. I only read them so I can actually have a conversation with her. I am so thoughtful) and I don’t get why all these women are wearing gloves. Are they cold? Did they forget to get a manicure before their big day? It just doesn’t work ladies. It ruins your look and how the hell are you supposed to keep a firm grip on your groom if you are wearing slippery satin gloves? You need flesh-to-flesh contact. That way when it gets to the vow stage and you detect any sweat on his palms. You know to hold on tight and give the male members of your family the signal to barricade the doors against any escape attempts. So please no gloves. Especially not those lacy fingerless ones…you ain’t Madonna and even she doesn’t wear them anymore. Hurry up and propose chick let this be a warning to you. I don’t care if Market boy has a lacy hand apparel fetish. You will not be allowed to disgrace the family by wearing such on the big day. Keep your kinky get up for the boudoir.

I am glad to say that Bunny go go licious did the sensible thing and stayed away from gloves. Good thing too as I wouldn’t have wanted to ruin her big day by wrestling her to ground at the alter and pulling them off. Might also have had to give her a few quick slaps just to make sure she realised the severity of her crime against fashion. Nah! I lie. The slapping would really just be for my benefit. Nothing like a good slapping to relieve tension.

Anyway as I was saying before I got sidetracked …when you see 2 people you’ve known for so long,who you actually care about, stand up there and say they are ready and willing to deal with the future together…it puts a whole new spin on a wedding. I loved it and I know they are just going to be soooo happy together. Especially Bunny as she now has me as a sister in law. I will be there to dish out awesome advice on all aspects of marriage. My specialties being how to show the PROPER RESPECT to your sister in-law. How to prepare gourmet meals for your sister in-law and the most important one, How to ensure your sister in-law is happy at all times. She will need to start lessons soon as is she already slacking in her duties. I have not even had a good morning Aunty sister in-law phone call today not to mention a hand delivered breakfast of an Akara sandwich (Akara between 2 slices of white bread buttered with onions and tomatoes delicately sliced. Yum! Yum!) and a mug of Olvatine with 2 sugars. I will be holding a family meeting if this problem has not been rectified by tomorrow morning.

All this university girls sef. They think they are too good to wake up early in the morning to feed their family members. I blame the boy. I told them all they needed was a girl that could say “yes”, “Thank you” and “I’m in the mood”. But would they listen? Of course not. They wanted girls that could discuss the political climate in Timbuktu. Just selfish if you ask me. Its not like their wives belong to just them. They belong to the WHOLE family. But seeing as they have now been spoilt by being allowed to discuss things other than what they are making for dinner and what colour underwear they have on, I just don’t get any respect. Yep! Will definitely be holding a family meeting.

I’m sure the women libbers are out in force to scold me for having such negative views on my sister in-laws. As Ijebu chick likes to say “ Sebi you too will marry” Err… yeah! I will to a billionaire only child whose parents are also only children and live permanently in a secluded island in the Bahamas. So will not have to deal with Akara sandwich runs before I head off to work in the morning. Hahahaha! I’m so clever.

Look its not like they both didn’t meet me before the decided to say yes. They had their chance to escape but they chose to stay, as I am obviously irresistable. So let this be a lesson to you single ladies out there. The most important thing in your future hubby is not his looks, conversation, size of his bank balance or other physical appendages. It is the saneness of his family.

You’re probably thinking if I managed to fool Bunny, Ijebu chick and Market boy (yep he’s still around and unaware of the terrors that await him) with my level of insanity. Then what hope is there for you poor girls? Well the long and short of it is there isn’t any. Crappy, annoying and mentally deranged in-laws are part and parcel of the whole marriage drama. There’s nothing you can do to change them so the best thing to do is just go with the flow and remind yourself constantly who and what you’re accepting them for.

Tomorrow when I wake Bunny up at 5.30am to make sure she gets my Akara sandwich to me piping hot. She will look into the face of her happily snoring hubby, refrain from cursing me in Yoruba and get up to wash the beans. Ahhh! Another happy ending.