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Thursday, August 24, 2006

It may be a blinddate but I ain't blind

Wow! That’s what you are all thinking. 3 additions to the blog in one week. Go Mena! Go Mena! I know…I’m way to good to you guys. Please feel free to show your appreciation in monetary terms. I can hear you stingy ones out there grumbling (Ijebu Chick, I know you are not called that because of the geography of your birth. Please extract at least £20 from the money you hide in your knicker drawer) about my constant demands for funds. You can’t blame me for wanting to continue to live my lavish lifestyle. Rocking fake Gucci, Fendi and Prada ain’t cheap you know. Anyway don’t get used to this constant blogging. I have J O B and don’t have time for all this bonding. The only reason this week has been so bloggy is because the curse is upon me. So everything annoys me and hence I have more to moan about.

I work in an office with 5 other women and believe me for one week in every month we all get verrrrrrry touchy. All the men huddle in a little corner of the office in fear for their lives. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for the men in the office because one of the girls went on a crappy blind date. He was awful, she told him in a nice way he was awful. Yes fella’s! When a girl tells you “I like you but I just want to be friends”. She really means “God forbid I should let anyone I know see me with you in public, let alone think we are dating”. You would think he would take rejection like a REAL MAN and move on but we all now that there is no such thing as a real man. They are a myth created a long time ago by Loser Dudes to ensure that we poor girls keep dating them in the hope that we might eventually run into one. Anyway not being a REAL MAN he proceeded to demand £39 from her as payment for the food and entertainment during the date. All in all it wasn’t a good day to be a man.

Have any of you ever been on a blind date??? Don’t be shy…just stick does hands up and be counted. Chances are we’ve all been there and done that. In this day and age there is no shame in it. The shame comes from having to narrate the horror of what happened to you to your friends afterward because apart from the one instance of IT Dude and Ijebu Chick don’t know of any successful blind dates. Actually did I ever tell you their story??? Well it was like this….

Once upon a time there was a girl called Ijebu Chick who lived in a ghetto castle in London with SE chick. After many a moon of being chased and dating raso princes who drove Toyotas and considered singing Ololufemi songs as the height of romance. Ijebu Chick grew bored. Sometimes she wondered, “Could there be more to life and love? Surely there must be something better than being fed pounded yam by your man? Or going for strolls round Peckham market” One day whilst sitting in her ghetto castle watching Sura the Tailor or was it Samanja? It escapes me…a friend called her up and asked her over for dinner. “I would like you to meet a friend of my husbands” she said. Ijebu chick pondered and then thought what the hell! She turned up and was immediately wowed by the non rasoness. He could say a whole sentence in English without breaking into Yoruba. Several scoops of Hagendaz later (and you all think I’m a cheap date. Might I point out that a meal at Nando’s is nothing less than £5.99, whilst Hagendaz is like 3 quid. I rest my case) the girl was a goner. So they fell in love, got married and had a little Ibadan/Ijebu princess and lived happily ever after. Awwwwwwwww…. That’s the way we all hope blind dates will end but in reality it’s a whole different story.

I am going to be unselfish and use myself as an example for the what and what not to expect from a blind date. Woe betide anyone who feels the need to use these to insult or ridicule me in future.

Do consider the person setting you up on the blind date before saying yes.
Someone at work once set me up on a blind date. She said her boyfriend had a really hot friend that I just had to meet. Being single, bored and desperate I thought what the hell. What I actually should have been thinking was… Wasn’t this the girl that told me last week that she thought Shabba Ranks was hot??? And whose boyfriends sole ambition in life was to see how much jewellery he could fit round neck before he collapsed under the sheer weight of them. So what on earth could this guy possibly look like if that was the scale she was working from? I never actually found out as during the date I was constantly being blinded by the glare from the light hitting the 24-carat grill in his mouth.

Do expect to pay for your meal and his
Guys I’m not difficult. I know I sound evil most of the time but that’s just a façade I put on. Me…I’m all sweetness and light until some guy offers to take me out to dinner and then expects me to pay. I’m all down for equal opportunity dating but If you CALL ME, ASK ME out to dinner and YOU PICK THE RESTAURANT…please don’t expect my visa card to make an appearance at any point during the night. Once went on a blind date with a guy who instructed me not to eat anything as he was taking me out for a slap up meal. You know what I’m like when it comes to food, especially free food. I was all excited. He came to pick me up and said he needed to stop to get some cash. Lo and behold his card was refused at every major cash point in London. At this stage I was sooo hungry and fed up I was quite happy to gnaw my own feet off just so I wouldn’t pass out. We ended up at Pizza Hut where I had to pay for dinner and then the stupid pot bellied dwarf had the nerve tell me not to put mushrooms on the pizza because he didn’t like them. Naturally I ordered extra mushrooms and took great joy in watching him pick them off. To say the least I didn’t bother taking his calls after that.

Don’t expect a happy ending
I’ve been on dates where you actually have a nice time. You actually think this might be going somewhere and then the glow of the date wears off. Ladies! We aren’t the only ones who make an effort for the first date. Guys have been known to have a bath, comb their hair and even floss to make a good impression. They will appear charming, witty and on the ball during dinner. Hold open your door as you enter their borrowed from a mate to impress car. Buy you popcorn to share in the cinema. Give you a peck on the chick when they drop you off at home. You call your girlfriends and talk till 3am planning your wedding because as far as you are concerned this is it. The next date or 2 though are totally different. At this stage they’ve probably heard from the person who set you guys up that you like them. They figure if they’ve got you to date number three you are a goner; So no need to pretend. Your next date goes like this:

1) Instead of picking you up in his mates Beemer he tells you to meet him at the movies instead.

2) He tells you he has given up his job in the city to find his true calling. So no dinner this time as his giro cheque hasn’t cleared.

3) He tells you buy yourself a tub of popcorn, as the one he just bought won’t be enough for both of you. He also throws in the fact that you managed to eat more popcorn than him the last time you shared.

4) You almost crack your skull open when the door you thought he was going to hold open for you whacks you in the face.

5) He does see you to your front door though more because you can’t walk straight after the door incident and he figures after 3 dates he deserves the prize of seeing you without any clothes on.

I could go on and on but to be honest it would just make life harder for the guys at work as all this constant reminiscing is bound to put me in a man-hating mood. So people live and learn. Enjoy your blind date. If it turns out crappy, just move on and laugh about it and if it turns out to be a fairy tale in the making…don’t tell me about it. I’ll only become more bitter and twisted.


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Vera said...

Neva tried a blind date b4 sha, and I do not intend to go on one anytime soon.

Azuka said...

Chei! I don die. This blog is a blog to keep in my sights. What a perfect way to end my day!

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