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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Breaking News...Mena is happy!

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me and he loves me not? Stupid flower! Grow more blooming petals damn it! Lets start again…He loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, HE LOVES ME! hehehehehehe. Isn’t the whole wide world just peachy? Yeah there’s war, pestilence and I’m still round but hey everything on planet Mena is pretty cool.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t seem to have the usual urge scream at people and be generally obnoxious. I even gave up my sit on the bus today to a preggy lady. I don’t usually bother. I tend to stick out my own little Buddha belly as far as it will go and pretend to be expecting myself. I personally don’t see why I should suffer for someone else’s night of passion. I’m not jealous. No siree! I’m just bitter. Believe me there is a difference. Anyway, the way I see it I’m doing them a favour. Keeping those legs of theirs nice firm for all the ass kicking they are going to be doing to their other halfs once those contractions set in.

Everything has just been kind of different lately. I guess its because I have a boyfriend. Hehehehehe. Gosh! I have to say it again…I have a boyfriend. Yes! People. No more Chinese take out for 1. It is now pounded yam a duex (Obviously not my choice. It’s only been a couple of weeks. A little more time and I can get the boy to eat Sushi). I’m sure those of you that know me well have only one question to ask.” How they hell did she pull it off”. To be honest, I’m asking the same question myself. It’s been hard keeping my true nature under wraps. I am after all a paranoid nutter. So It’s been a very long 6 weeks of

· Pretending to eat only HEALTHY stuff. Ben & Jerry’s have suffered a loss in profit since I met him. And yesterday the manager of the Golden Wok, my local Chinese take out, called by to just make sure I was still alive.

· Wearing full make up before I leave the house. Just in case he decides to surprise me by turning up at my office. All my colleagues think I’ve had botox or something but believe me its just Mac.

· If he stays over, waking up early to make sure my eyes aren’t crusty and to brush my teeth for my good morning snog. That’s a good 15 minutes of valuable sleeping time lost. And before all you family members start…my Barbie pyjamas stay on at all times. Well…98.45% of the time. Sometimes they just have a mind of their own. They must be those new self removing pyjamas just invented in Japan.

· Keeping my multiple personalities under check. I have been Mena the sane for the past 6 weeks and its been an absolute nightmare. Mena the crazy, Mena the sex starved but can’t have any and Mena the mean are all dying from neglect. How long must I wait before I can be the real me??? Boo hoo!

· Remembering not to pull my g-string out of my private places when we are walking down the street hand in hand. And not to walk around the flat without my boulder holders incase I turn round too fast and take one of his eyes out. Yep! Those babies can be lethal in the right setting.

· Curtailing the urge to call every 5 seconds just to check he hasn’t changed his number and moved to Japan.

· Reducing the number of times I’ve googled his name to ensure he isn’t wanted by the police for bigamy.

· Resisting the urge to slap him silly and stamp on his toes when he pisses me off by telling me my snoring is shaking the roof. Really!! The nerve of some people. Mena? Snore? As if. Ijebu chick has told me that the normal response is to maintain a dignified silence until he begs to be forgiven. I personally think slapping him silly will produce the same results, will be much faster and will definitely be much more enjoyable.

· Not balancing a plate of Nacho’s and a tub of Ben&Jerry’s Cookie Dough on my tummy whilst laughing hysterically at new and interesting ways to murder people on CSI. The last time I did that he was a tad weary about spending the night seeing as we had just had an argument about who snores louder (I obviously do but am I going to tell him that?) He kept looking under the mattress for hidden weapons.

· Not talking about Tyrese and his hot abs whilst he’s getting dressed, eating, in the shower etc This apparently makes him feel insecure. He should…Tyrese is a love god. Not that I’m complaining about my boo but hey I have to hear him go on about Angelina Jolie so me thinks we are even.

On the plus side

· He calls me …he has learnt the hard way that not calling results in me sulking for eternity and withdrawing snogging privileges.
· He says the sweetest thing.
· He doesn’t ignore me when I am sulking, which satisfies my constant need for attention.
· He’s seen my Buddha belly in the flesh and hasn’t gone blind, insane or left the country.
· He is a snogging wizard but that’s just between us guys…for any of you church goers, just ignore all references to snogging, sleeping over and self-removing pyjamas.
· He gives amazing cuddles
· He makes me laugh like crazy
· And he thinks I’m the sexiest being that ever lived…apart from Angela Jolie of course but I ain’t bitter. I’ve still got my life size Tyrese cut-out.
· He misses me when I ain’t there which, having come from a family that holds “A thank goodness she’s not here” party every time I leave the room, makes me feel kinda special.

Ok! Nobody go out to buy aso ebi just yet. Yes he seems normal but that’s only because I haven’t unleashed any of my personalities on him yet. For the next couple of weeks I will gently re-introduce all my other me’s into the relationship and see what happens. Come back next week to find out how Snogger Dude gets along with the many faces of Mena. I am off to wax my legs in case he wants to stroke them whilst watching Match of the day.


Olawunmi said...

loved this post. funny, but touching. lol at self-removing pyjamas. but have you considered the possibility that they are actually remote-controlled pjs, which he artfully controls with his miniature james bond remote that's located in his watch? might explain why he never takes it off...


glad to see you're happy

Omodudu said...

Wow, now I'm scared of all females, I did not realize you guys were this calculating. grrr

Uzo said...

Aww! So sweet. I am glad you are happy...The true test comes when the real Mena begins to slowly return to company. LOL. Now that would be great to hear about. Go on with your bad self...

TaureanMinx said...

Glad to see someone happy lol.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao.. oh my gosh.. this is just fantastic.. you had me smiling, laughing, smiling and just being happy while reading this post... you're a fantastic writer

He doesn’t ignore me when I am sulking, which satisfies my constant need for attention.He’s seen my Buddha belly in the flesh and hasn’t gone blind, insane or left the country." thats exactly how i feel with the boyfriend and its great that i'm that comfortable with him... be happy luv.. and trust me you sound great i'm sure he will welcome and fall as hard for the crazy mena and her other 'counterparts'... this is just soo cute.. i'm going to read it again... i was savouring it like hot chocolate on a winter night... dang.. i'm so bookmarking u!!!

Daddy's Girl said...

LOL Hilarious post...