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Monday, October 30, 2006

69,68,67..........

Yes! He called me. Yes! He still thinks I'm amazing and no he hasn't proposed yet. So can you all stop stalking me about my mystery man. We have more important thaings to talk about.

That phenomal event that happens every year is slowly during nearer. Its time to empty out your piggy banks and get all excited because there are only 69 more day to go till MY BIRTHDAY. Yep people! I’m getting older. Before, the very thought of an approaching birthday used to bring me out in a cold sweat. I would worry about wrinkles (not gonna happen …supple, smooth caramel skin is still as luscious as ever), losing my hip attitude (like that’s even possible) or worse …developing a penchant for thermal underwear. But I’m starting to realise that it will probably never happen. It’s the end of October, I can see my own breath and as my mother likes to say “it isn’t the weather for fashion”. That is just soooooooooo wrong Mama. If she weren’t my Mama I would lock her in her room with only a bowl of garri and some peanuts for daring to suggest that there was a time and place for fashion. Fashion is an all year thing, rain or shine, freezing temperatures or not. Hence my attire of a gypsy skirt, long boots, little white t-shirt and a sweater vest. I’m freezing my flat but cute ass off but at least I will die from hyperthermia whilst looking fashionable.

For all of you who are also eagerly anticipating my forthcoming birthday I just wanted to give you a few tips on how to make me happy on the day and ensure that you will not spend the rest of the year in traction or worse in the room with my mother struggling over the bowl of garri and peanuts. I know a lot of you are probably thinking of getting me the gift of “Love and Friendship” for my birthday. Awww! How sweet. Lets show Mena we care by telling her, going to visit her on the day or making her something out of recycled cardboard and a pair of old underpants. People, people, people! HOW MANY TIMES DID I CALL ALL OF YOU?? OK! LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD

1. I speak to you guys all the time. Usually when I don’t want to I might add. You calling me on my birthday is fine but I’d better be sitting on an elephant called Dumbollina in Thailand, enjoying a five star holiday paid for by you when I get the call or don’t even bother. I’d also be very careful if that’s all you’re getting me. I you might want to start getting someone else to taste your food, start your car or basically just take on your identity until Mena’s rage has calmed down.

2. Please don’t visit me on my birthday unless you are bringing gifts, food, alcohol and the entire NBA squad wearing nothing but see through thongs. I know what I am looking for when I go and visit other people on their birthdays …FOOD! I refuse to allow anyone into my home without seeing a lovely wrapped pressie in his or her hands. The said pressie will be x-rayed to make sure it’s not an empty box wrapped with recycled wrapping paper to fool me into letting them into the house. What’s ahhh!!?? I don’t think you know the kind of family and friends I’m up against. They will go to any lengths to get a free meal. True… they all probably learnt from my example but even so they have taken it to a greater level. Before Hurry up Propose chick left the country, she could successful spend a whole month eating for free by calling up unsuspecting friends and family members after work, finding out what everyone was having for dinner and then going to visit the person with the best sounding supper. SE chick, before she got hitched also used to eat for free every weekend by coming to visit me and pretending she wanted to bond. Bonding… maybe 5minutes. The rest of the weekend was spent emptying my fridge and then having the nerve to call my stew funky! So I will not be cooking for anyone come January the 7th. There will be a slice of cake and some sparkling mineral water (no tap water seeing as its my birthday) for all gift-bearing visitors.

3. Ah! I laugh. Short of you being one of my nieces, I don’t want to see anything self produced. Even being under the legal working age is no excuse any more as far as I’m concerned. All kiddies get child benefit and I know how much it is. Enough to buy me a decent gift. All gifts of £20 and under will only be accepted from CHILDREN! My niece, Ibadan J Lo Princess please tell your mummy, Ijebu Chick to stop embezzling your funds to feed her husbands Big Tasty habit (don’t ask…I promise, you don’t want to know) and divert some of it to my birthday fund. Good girl.

I’m not a greedy person. In order to make things easier for you all I am giving you the opportunity to join the United Bank of Mena (UBM) where we have a special savings scheme especially for this occasion. You have 3 options to choose from

The No Good Friend saver – whereby you deposit £1 a day till my birthday, which will give a measly £69.00 to spend on me. Obviously I am worth more than this. I will accept your gift but know that you will be in the Raso section of my celebrity Moroccan wedding.

The Buddy saver - £3 per day you will have a decent £207 to spend on my oh so happy day. This will move you up in my estimation and you will actually get to see some of the celebrity guests at my forthcoming wedding.

The Ore Miiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!! Saver - This is the account I expect all family and REAL friends to contribute a mere £10 per day in order to buy me all the designer goods I deserve. With their £690 they are immediately bumped up to my second high table, which will be behind the table, the celebrity guests and I will be sitting on. You will get to watch the celebrities eat and might even get to touch or dance with one or two of them. Naturally this will be with my permission. I don’t want you disgracing me on the day by gushing all over Tyrese’s new best friend Chingy. Have you heard my man’s new song? I knew he would make a triumphant come back. Poo! Poo! to all you haters.


Anyway, I’ve truly given you more help than you all deserve on this issue. It is now time go out into the big wide world and find me the ultimate pressie. Good Bye & Good Luck!

8 comments:

Bunnylish said...

This is what we Nigerians call fine-bara…judging from classifications, I will be standing by the gate at your Moroccan bash (drinking my own Pure Water) cos all birthday pressies (except for my MAN) get a budget allocation of £10. Ma worry, Benny Dee/TK Maxx/Oxfam will do me proud! You’ll appreciate the new wall clock/ bottle opener/ hair clip/socks I will bring…may even be a designer knock-off!

Anonymous said...

girl u are crazy!! lmao@this post.. that's the way jare, all those friends-for-food.
but i hope you find out at the end of this that you actually have some 'ore miiiii's'!

Daddy's Girl said...

This was a realy good post.. still laughing!

temmy said...

I will get you a lovely pair of boots from Primark. A top from MK1 and then crown it with undies from Khan's special bargain in Peckham.

I hope you will allow me in!

Desola said...

Temmy! I'm disappointed in you big time! How dare you mention Peckham? Argg!!! I don't like Peckham at all! You name them. Peckham, Dalston, Brixton, I just can't stand the hub of Naija joints. I really can't! I have a phobia for them!

Uzo said...

This is absolutely hilarious. Since i dont know you and live in Naija but want to attend said celebrity wedding, what to do? LOL

mena said...

Uzo they have Western Union in Nigeria. Please feel free to wire transfer the neccesary funds to my account. If you are truly suffering though, I may be able to help you out. I've got a Mena weds Tyrese t-shirt left which the servers will be wearing. I can let you have it and who knows you might even get to serve Chingy some pure water.

As for the rest of you(Bunnylish, those your husband allow you surf the information super highway? I think another family meeting is in order because all this free will is obviously the cause of your rudeness)...When Bisi Olatilo is showing you my wedding via live satellite link from Morroco try not throw yourself in front of a brake less okada despair.You all had a chance to be there and chose to keep your money hidden under your dunlop matress instead.

Desola said...

Ha! The queen left her throne to respond to us commoners! This calls for a big celebration!