Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...I have a boil in my ear. I promise, I no longer let Pedro the Pizza delivery boy lick my ear as part payment for my weekly meat feast pizza. My elderly neighbour caught us at it on the driveway the other day and called the police. I was cautioned for lewd conduct and sadly Pedro is now on a ship back to Mexico cursing the day he met my broke ass self. Don’t know why he’s pissed at me. Not my fault he’s illegal. Anyway I have to be careful. Can’t afford to get anymore cautions from the Met police or my dream of waving a red passport around might stay just that. Anyway, I suspect I've been bitten by some poisonous tropical spider which stowed away in my recent delivery of Basky Monthly. Oh my God! I've been poisoned. How can this be?? So young, so beautiful and so unsnogged by Basky and yet I am about to be snatched from the world. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!!!! Boo hooo!
Sniff. Okay Mena, no more hysterics. You will continue to maintain a calm and dignified demeanour. Yes the world is about to lose a good thing but think what they have gained from your very existence. Sniff...true. I should start preparing for my grand exit. I guess I should sort out my assets.
Dear Ma & Pa Mena,
Please find listed below instructions on how to divide my vast wealth.
To the person who loved me most and appreciated my heart, mind and tremendous spirit...ME! I leave my shoes, bags, clothes, money and other amazing accessories. Please ensure that I am buried with ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL my property. If see anybody rocking my Fake Louis Vuitton Luggage (Yes even you mother dearest) I will have to take a leave of absence from heaven to come and haunt you. I'm not talking about Casper the friendly ghost hunting . I mean the “Haven't slept in a week because I see dead people” kind of haunting.
To the British Government, I leave my National Insurance Card. Please check my number against your tax records and give me back all the money you stole under the pretext of saving it for me until I am too old to work. You thought I would forget abi? No be so. I beg write me a cheque and let my people bury me with my hard earned money.
To Ijebu Chick, Bunnylicious, Essex Chick nee SE Chick, I have left money for my parents to pay a Mallam to come to your various houses everyday to administer 5 hooootttt slaps and 5 lashes of his koboko. You may think I am being cruel and vindictive (next time you will know who you are calling fat and bow legged. I am CUUUUUUUURRRVVYYY dammit!) But it is for your own good. I feel you all need someone to keep you in check whilst I’m not here so you don’t become more wayward than you all already are.
To my other assorted friends and family members, please distribute these signed pictures of me. So they can gaze upon my beautifully regular features everyday and realise what a good thing they had.
PS: Mama & Papa should I become famous after passing over. Please dig me up every month to deposit any future royalty checks.
Sniff…that was so emotionally draining. Who would have thought such a little person had so much to give. I think I’m going to have a nap. Between the realisation that I might never have my fairytale wedding to Basky showcased on The Bisi Olatilo Show, the stress at ibi ise and lack of sleep; I am quite knackered. I can hear you uncaring cretins saying "Ah! Ah! Mena. No be just typing you dey type for this your J.O.B? Not exactly physically taxing". All I can say to that is bad bele no go kill you. And don’t even try and turn the lack of sleep thing into anything sleazy. It’s all down to my inability to turn off my mobile phone…ever!
Just the other day I was having the most amazing dream. I was in a village looking cute in my wrapper and being chased round the well by Basky in a loin cloth. And just as he's about to catch me...his mobile phone starts ringing!!!!!! What the h...! We are in some back water village. How on earth is he getting reception and it suddenly dawns on me that ITS ALL A DREAM!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not about to be dragged into a hut caveman style and ravished. Boo Hoo!
I rub my delicate peepholes and glance at my Barbie Princess alarm clock. Yes I'm 31. What’s your point? If my mother had bought me a Barbie doll when I was a child. I wouldn't now feel the need to relive my childhood with Mattel accessories. Instead she bought me one of those plastic dolls Danfo drivers used to put in front their vans. I'm still traumatised by the experience. Please send money to ease the pain.
Where was I? Yeah I looked at my alarm clock and it's 11.30pm. Who dares call Mena at this hour interrupting her beauty sleep? It’s Mama Mena from Lagos. Panicking I grab the phone.
“Mum what’s the matter“?
The only time my mum calls at this hour is when I’m in a whole heap of trouble. My mind is on overdrive trying to remember what lie I might have told or what amount I kinda borrowed without asking when it suddenly occurs to me that I haven’t lived with my parents in years. So I couldn’t possibly be in any kind of trouble. Maybe it was something else. Maybe she was finally going to tell me the truth about why I’m the only hot member of my family. My true royal heritage was about to be revealed to me. Sultan of Brunei watch out! Your illegitimate daughter is on her way home. I am hardly able to contain my excitement.
I’m like “Mum are you alright? Do you have something you want to tell me“?
“I’m fine. We were just discussing the wedding and we were thinking maybe you should wear iro and buba“.
I’m confused. What wedding? Had someone come to ask for my hand in marriage without asking me first? Or had my mother lost her mind through years of waiting for me to bring a guy home and finally accosted Brother Tobias, our driver, and made me his 3rd wife? My heart is beating at 10 times the normal rate now.
“Mummy what have you done o??? The Lord says his time is the right time o. Don’t do something we will all regret. What wedding are you talking about again and more importantly why the hell would you think I would be caught dead in an iro and buba”?
There’s a pause on the phone and my mother finally responds
“O ti ya were ni? Why are you shouting at me? Pa Mena!!!!!!! Your daughter is shouting at me o. When I told you not to let her go London you didn’t listen. I told you all the women in my family have attended Ogbomosho Girls Grammer School for generations but no. That’s not good enough for your “Little Princess”. See your “Little Princess” now? She is sitting there unmarried, probably smoking Ganja and shouting at her own mother on the phone. 9 months I carried you and because you are now breathing by yourself you are wasting your oxygen shouting at your mother abi? Pa Mena! Where are you going? Come and talk to your daughter o! Oh! They’ve started African Movie Magic. Is it a new episode? OK! I’m coming. Let me finish this girl off. En hen. Where was I“?
“Look Mum I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I was sleeping and I was just a little confused about what wedding you were talking about“.
“You must still be sleeping. I’m talking about your sisters wedding of course“.
Oh her! Gee I can breathe again. Yeah what about the crazy psycho’s wedding?
“Your cousins and I have been thinking that maybe you should all wear iro and buba but I will discuss it with you tomorrow they are starting movie magic“. Click.
Its at times like these you need to remember the "Honour thy mother and father" part of the 10 Commandments because I was about to call her back and scream “Where are my real parents”? And hang up. Instead I snuggled back into bed and prepared to go back to my dream of being chased round a village well by Basky in a loin cloth and then…RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody better be dying. Its Ijebu Chick otherwise known as “Pain in my delicate backside”. I was going to ignore her but seeing as she was preggies I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt that it was an important call.
Mena: Hello! Are you in labour?
Ijebu Chick: No.
Mena: Are Ibadan J Lo Princess and your Hubby ok?
Ijebu Chick: Yes. I called because....
CLICK! Yeah I hung up on her. You want to make something of it? I beg. She ain't in labour and everybody else is fine. You people think it's easy to have a dream about Basky in wide screen Technicolor? I've been praying and fasting for 2 solid weeks for this miracle (Sorry fellow prayer group members. I know we were meant to be doing it for world peace but certain things are more important). If I'm quick I might be able to get back to where I left off.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiinngg...Lord why? I've been so good this week. I didn't curse anybody even when they deserved it. I didn't steal toilet roll from the office bathroom when I ran out at home. All I want is 5 minutes with Basky. Just let me see what is under the loin cloth and I will call her back. Riiiiiiiiiinnnng. Fine! I'll pick it up but I just want the record to state that I think this is very severe punishment for lying to the pastor and fellow prayer group members.
Ijebu Chick: Whats wrong with your phone?
Mena: I don't know. It must be your signal. Whats up?
Ijebu Chick: I can’t see my feet
Mena: Sorry? (Has this woman been sniffing folic acid again?)
Ijebu Chick: My tummy is blocking my feet, so I can't see them.
Mena: What do you want to see them for? Just keep wiggling your toes to make sure they haven't fallen off.
Ijebu Chick: Why would they fall off?
I don't know crazy woman. Why they h... are you calling me at this indecent hour and expecting me to make sense.
Mena: Is that why you called me?
Ijebu Chick: No! Actually I wanted to find out if you knew where I could get a Mobile policeman uniform on the down low.
Lord please tell me it’s alright to trash this woman senseless the minute she pops out that baby. I'll do it whilst she's still in the Maternity ward so they can transfer her directly to A&E.
Ijebu Chick: Hello?? Are you still there? Mena!
Mena: Sorry…Even if I knew where to get one, why would you want one?
Ijebu Chick: Promise not to tell anyone?
I am now awake with all thoughts of Basky’s loin cloth momentarily forgotten. There is nothing like those 5 little words “Promise not to tell anyone” to signify that hot gist is about to land. Fluffing up pillows and opening the can of Red bull I keep on my bedside table for such emergency situations.
Mena: Yeah I promise(My fingers are crossed, so dosen't count)
Ijebu Chick: Ok! IT Dude (Her hubby) told me yesterday that his fantasy is to dress up like a Mobile policeman, arrest me for driving without my particulars and then have his wicked way with me.
Thank you Lord! I now realise you were not trying to punish me for lying at prayer group but rather to reward me for no longer stealing ibi ise supplies. This gist is hot. I am already planning who I can tell even as she is talking.
Ijebu Chick: Do you think it’s weird?
Weird ke? This one don pass weird my friend. I understand dressing up as a fireman, sailor, soldier, as a NORMAL policeman or even Santa Claus. But a Mobile Policeman?? That just takes razzness to a whole new level. Maybe if I liked you I would tell you run now and go and meet your mama for village before he asks you to dress up as a pure water seller. Unfortunately I feel you deserve the severe beating that Mobile policeman like to dish out with their batons to non particular holding drivers such as yourself.
Mena: No dear it’s not weird at all. It’s quite a common fantasy actually. Don’t worry. I’ll get in touch with my contacts and you and your (kinky weirdo) hubby can be rocking the night fantastic by the weekend.
Ijebu Chick: You’re a star. Sorry for calling you so late. I’ll let you get back to sleep. Click
That’s right sucker. Keep thanking me. As sweet as your gist was, it doesn’t totally make up for the lack of Basky action (hope he doesn’t have any weird fantasies o. My mama no raise kinky pikin). So will have to find a way to make you pay. I’ll just start by anonymously posting this interesting piece of info on your face book page and then see where else my spirit takes me.