Forgive & Forget? I don't know about that.

I realised from a very early age that men cheat. I was 5 and Daniel with the dimples sat next to me in nursery. He would always scribble on my drawing paper during art and then give me half of his Samco chocolate milk at break time to make up for it (Yep! I’ve always liked bad boys). He was my first love. Who knows, we could have been married by now with little dimpled children running around if I hadn’t seen him giving his chocolate milk to that play ground hussy Tanwa. For goodness sake the girl didn’t even wear matching hair bands. I always had matching hair bands and socks too(Thanks Mum). Anyway, needless to say our chocolate milk affair came grinding to a halt. Any attempts by him to scribble on my drawing paper after that was met by banshee like screaming until Miss had to move his seat over to the other side of the room. He would throw little heart broken glances my way but I refused to acknowledge them as he had committed the greatest crime known to the fairer sex. He had shown interest in a girl other than me and I was not the forgiving type.

As I grew up there were other Daniels and sometimes there might even have been other Tanwa’s but I always reacted the same way when things weren’t going my way... I left. I would slam the door on that relationship humming under my breathe “You abandoned me; Love don’t live here anymore”. I would pack all my emotional baggage from each crappy relationship and move on to the next. The only problem with dragging all my issues with me was that I was always waiting for the poor guy to fail. Bags packed, I was just counting the days until he slipped up so I could go storming out of the relationship guns blazing, moaning to world that love had failed me again. I was so determined not to get taken for mug paranoia would kick in. Every call he got was from a girl. Every 5 minutes he was late was because he’d been in some woman’s arms. I would look for cracks where there were no cracks and if I couldn’t find any I would chip way with my insecurity chisel until I made a great big hole. Pretty soon the guy would get tired of my 3 am surprise visits just to tell him I miss him when all I really wanted to do was make sure he was alone. I would be yanking strands of hair off any woman he introduced as his cousin, sister or mother so I could get it DNA tested. NO MAN WAS GOING TO MAKE FOOL OUT OF MENA!!! Yes I was obviously in the first stages of madness but then I just thought I was hard.

Now that I’m one of the great unwashed I have a lot of time to ponder these deep emotional issues and I’m wondering if daddy dearest was right? He once told me all men cheat. He said what you need to ask myself is “Do you throw away a relationship you’ve worked on over wounded pride and broken trust or do you stick with it”? He told me that if he’s actually sorry for what he’s done then you need to weigh all the good against that one bad thing and figure out if all the good is worth giving up. He told me that I needed to learn to forgive or that I was going to be a very lonely woman. I can see where my dad is coming from and I’ve even tried applying his principles but you know the saying “You can forgive but you can’t forget”? Well who ever came up with that saying was absolutely right and therein lies my problem. At what stage in a relationship do I stop forgiving, kick his ass to the kerb and try to forget about him instead?
There used to be a man in my life who, lets just say he did a lot of stuff that I could neither forgive nor forget. So we went our separate ways. Fast forward to a couple of years later and he says he’s a whole new human being. I’ve forgiven him because hey I’m all holy and 10 commandments abiding now. He says he’s changed and sometimes it looks like he has. Sometimes he’s so good I shell out a mini fortune on wedding magazines and start thinking of baby names. Sometime he pisses me of so much I take a walk round my backyard to figure out where I can bury his body when I’m done chopping him up into little pieces. However regardless of if he’s being good or bad, the major problem is that I can’t forget the past. So in the midst of all the do I or don’t I take him back lies the disturbing fact that no matter how much you can forgive another human being the shadow of the hurt they caused you will always cloud your relationship.

So really what’s the point of even bothering if:-
I’m always going to think he’s lying before I think he’s telling the truth.
I’m always going to think he’s cheating when he comes in late or doesn’t pick up his phone.
I’m always going to wonder if he means it when he says he loves me.

I don’t get how other people do it? How on earth do they carry on when someone betrays their trust in a relationship? Is there some compartment in their brains where the store all the bad stuff to make way for the good? Because I sure can’t find mine. “So walk away” you say. “No point sending yourself to the loony bin worrying about stuff he might do because he’s done it before. If you can’t handle the heat Mena, We suggest you get out of the kitchen”. That’s easy for you lot to say but the problem is that how often is Mena going to walk away? So what do? Paint over all the bad memories and try to give this new and improved relationship a fair go or just accept the fact that my decision all those years ago was the right one and keep on dragging my now massive case of insecurities down life’s lonely highway?

I'm not that bored and lonley

It seems some of you are concerned by my sudden lack of a J.O.B. Not concerned enough I notice to send me money. Cheapskates!! You could at least all chip in for a care basket filled with goodies like Mineral make up and Clarins Beauty Flash Balm (I’ve been reduced to chopping the bottom of my tube of beauty flash balm just to maintain my healthy glow...Sob). Don’t know why I’m even surprised by my reader’s lack of initiative. You’re all just trying to punish me by letting my dewy soft skin get greasy and spotty so I’ll be forced to stay indoors and blog.

I’ll blog, but believe me it won’t be because of your diabolical plan but because I might perform Hari-kari on myself if I have to spend another afternoon watching Nigeze (No offence but there are only so many rappers and their crews dancing at Agege bus stop that a girl can watch. Give your grandma back her gold chains and go get a job) and rejecting friend requests from nonentity’s on face book to keep myself entertained.

"Come on Mena what makes you so special as to refer to these people as nonentity’s when they are just trying to reach out to you"? Yawn! I beg...You all talk too much. Less chit chat and more care package assembling please. Despite your goody goody “I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony” attitude. Life is no coke advert and we all know that there are people we wouldn’t be caught dead knowing in public.

So excuse me if I’m honest and refuse to accept Prince “Fine Boy” Okafor’s friend request. Firstly because I don’t know who the hell he is and secondly even if I did there is no way in hell I will be bringing down my street cred by admitting to knowing anyone who needs to reassure himself of his looks by calling himself "Fine Boy". Look, this is a girl who once denied her own boyfriend in public for turning up in less than flattering clothing. Harsh? Maybe but we didn’t come into the world together and love is for a season when you’re 18. Street cred on the other hand is forever. This is a boy I was happy to swap unidentified bacteria with so if could deny him I would suggest no one else should feel special.

Let’s face it; Face book has nothing to do with friendship. It’s just an online popularity contest with everyone clamouring to get as many on their friends list as possible. Are those 2000 people on your list really your friends? If they are then you need to consider running for president mate. Yep! Face book is just another way for the popular kids to show off.

I’ve got more friends than you. So what? I choose to maintain my aura of mystery by only allowing a select few into my inner sanctum. That’s why I’m sticking with the 2 friends on my list (Thanks again for accepting my friend request mum and dad).

I’ve just been on holiday to the Bahamas here are my pics. Whatever! I’m a true patriot and that’s why my holiday pics show me pumping money back into the economy by chilling at llorin’s local hotspots.

I have a husband and I love him but why bother telling him even though he’s sitting right next to me. I’ll just update my profile to say “I still love my boo”. Oh my God!!!! Who cares???!!!! I don’t care if you have a hubby and a Brazilian lover or if you’ve just left work, had dinner or discovered the cure to infidelity. Actually I take back the last comment. Feel free to keep me updated on that necessary discovery. My point is if you have nothing interesting to say then please stop updating your profile every hour on the hour. This doesn’t make you interesting. It makes you annoying because my inbox is clogged with all your comment updates. Pick up the phone and call a few of these so called friends instead. Jokers!

Once again you’ve all managed to make me look evil and moany. I’m lovely really and I know when some of you see my hot profile pic on face book you just can’t help yourselves. You feel inexplicably drawn to reach out and try to get to know me. All I can say is I totally understand but please don’t do it. No matter how strong the urge is just say no because I really don’t want to be your friend.

I really don’t want to hook up with the girl I went to school with 20 years ago who stole my candy scented eraser. I don’t want to be reminded of my dodgy taste in men when the guy I thought was hot in secondary school gets in touch and I discover the bow tie was not a fashion phase he was going through. I don’t want to be friends with people who have the same last or first name as me...What’s that all about for God’s sake? Are you lot forming some kind of weird name cult? Look bottom line is if I want to make new friends I’ll go out and meet them like normal people and as for hooking up with old ones...Hmmm!Lets think carefully about this people because surely there must have been a reason why I stopped speaking to you in the first place?

Work is so overrated

Gee! It’s been over a year since I’ve updated my blog and I’ve kind of missed you guys and our little chats. After all it’s not everyday I get to impart my words of wisdom to millions of people. Ok maybe millions is a slight exaggeration but hey it’s my blog and I can throw in as many unverified facts and figures as I please. Anyway I'm not really sure you all deserve to have me back after the total lack of sympathy I received after the trauma of being banned from TK Maxx stores nationwide. I needed some time to cope with not being able to buy cut price designer goods.

"So why have you come back to us Mena"? you ask. "We thought you were too good for blogging"? You thought right peasants. I am too good for this hence my lengthy absence to pursue exciting new activities like cleaning my flat more than once a month, not allowing little old ladies to stop me in the street before I accept the fact that flowing chiffon kaftans are not appropriate for the British winter and getting to work at my contracted hours of 8.45am.

Ah yes! It’s been fun. I only wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and effort on the latter. I should have continued with my usual routine of strolling in at whatever time I finally manage to drag my fine tooshy into work after stopping for a Starbucks and muffin of course (No this is not why I am fat. I am fat because I am genetically predestined to be fat...ignoramus). My efforts at being a normal employee after my last performance review was obviously not taken into account because the other day Joan, my manager, called me into her office and...

“Mena I’m afraid I have some bad news”

“Bad news? What’s wrong? Is the sandwich guy not coming in today”?
Ricardo the sandwich guy...6ft 160 pounds of Brazilian hot stuff who is made even more gorgeous by the fact that come 11.30am he’s striding through the door bearing a variety of luscious snacks to keep a girl going. It would be a disaster if he didn’t turn up.

“Erm no, it has nothing to do with Sandwiches. The company has been badly affected by the recession and they are trying to cut costs where ever possible”.

Geez not again. It’s bad enough that the staff bathroom is now only supplied with industrial grade toilet paper. It’s so horrible I’ve actually had to start buying my own toilet paper instead of stealing it from work like I usually do. What on earth are they going make us give up now?

“We thought long and hard before making this decision and as painful as it is we have decided to let some people go”.

Ah ha! Finally my anonymous suggestions to HR have been taken into account and they are about fire my arch nemesis...Telly Tubby from Accounts. The bane of my life is now about to get her comeuppance. No one charges Mena £5.96 for paper clips and gets away with it. No siree!

“Having discussed it with upper management and other members of staff we have decided to let you go”.

I totally agree with your decision as nice as Telly Tu..., Sorry Amanda is, her people skills leave a lot to be desired.

“Sorry, you’ve lost me. What has Amanda got do with this? Why would I call you in here to talk about Amanda”?

Isn’t she the one leaving? Ok something’s wrong here. Maybe I should actually have been listening whilst she was talking instead of trying to think of witty one liner's to send Telly Tubby on her way. My current favourite is “Adiós muchachos. Don’t let the door hit your tubby bottom on the way out”. Anyway focus Mena! What is the boss lady saying? So far I’ve got bad news, recession, let someone go and the someone isn’t Amanda. Ok if it isn’t Amanda then .......Gee is it suddenly kind of warm in here?

“Sorry who’s leaving again” I ask even though the fact that she’s slowly edging her office chair closer to the fire escape is more or less an indication that it’s me.

“I’m sorry Mena but it has nothing to do with you. It was all based on a last in first out basis. So please don’t take it personally”.


“Oh I see. There’s obviously been some awful mistake with HR then because I wasn’t the last one in. The new document production girl was the last person we hired. Phew! That’s a relief I actually thought I was going to have slap you silly for a moment there and I can tell you that wouldn’t have been any fun for me as I just got my nails done. Cool I’ll get her to come in so you can ruin her day”.

“Ah no Mena. There hasn’t been a mistake. I’m sorry but the truth is that we took a vote and the ballot was unanimous. Everyone finds you rude, aggressive and difficult to get along with. We really can’t afford to keep you here any longer because it’s only a matter time before one of the other member's of staff takes us to court for employing a bullying psychopath”.

Emi Psychopath?? Breathe Mena. Remember the 12 steps to conquering your inner demons. Breathe, smile and repeat after me “I am an intelligent, superior and sexy woman who is surrounded by stupid and ugly people and I must always be patient and kind to those who are less hot than I am.”

“Joan please stop trying to open the fire escape and come and have a sit. I’m not sure why you are so anxious around me? Let’s sit down and talk about this like adults”. Wèrè! Feel free to jump out the window sef; I’ll be right behind you so I can kick your ass in mid air.

“You just threatened to slap me silly and you’re wondering why I’m anxious around you”?

“Joan, Joan, Joan. You really shouldn’t take everything I say so seriously. Can’t a girl crack a few jokes in the office? I think that’s what the problem is here. You all just don’t get my unique sense of humour. I’m not rude or aggressive; I’m just playing with you guys. This is so not a sacking issue. How about we plan an office night out and I take you guys to a couple of comedy clubs to get your humour juices flowing”?

“Look Mena I’m sorry but we’ve made up our minds and our decision is final. I would really appreciate it if we could end this on a dignified note. Please pack up your desk and leave peacefully or I’ll have to call security”.

Needless to say after sepeing on the whole office in Yoruba and attempting to help Telly Tubby lose a few pounds by chasing her round the office with stapler in order to give her free tummy tuck, I was forcibly removed from the office by security.
So you see it’s not worth being a diligent employee in the long run. If I’d known it was going to come to this I would soooo have stolen a whole lot more from the stationery cupboard.

Anyway here I am sitting at home forced to blog for entertainment because there’s only so much day time TV a girl can watch. My main worry not being how I’m going to survive without a 9 to 5 but more how the hell am I going to buy shoes??? Boo Hoo! This situation has allowed me time to think and I’ve decided I need to be amongst like minded people who get me and where better to find them than back home.

Yes blog fans I’m coming home. Where the crazies run free and people actually pay attention to the statement “Do you know who my father is”? Believe me it doesn’t work here. I’ve tried on several occasions when trying to get a decent level of customer service at Tesco’s. So as soon as some lucky lucky person who doesn’t believe in references and a decent work ethic snaps me up, I’ll be winging my way over to the sunny shores of Niaja.
See you guys soon.