Gee! It’s been over a year since I’ve updated my blog and I’ve kind of missed you guys and our little chats. After all it’s not everyday I get to impart my words of wisdom to millions of people. Ok maybe millions is a slight exaggeration but hey it’s my blog and I can throw in as many unverified facts and figures as I please. Anyway I'm not really sure you all deserve to have me back after the total lack of sympathy I received after the trauma of being banned from TK Maxx stores nationwide. I needed some time to cope with not being able to buy cut price designer goods.
"So why have you come back to us Mena"? you ask. "We thought you were too good for blogging"? You thought right peasants. I am too good for this hence my lengthy absence to pursue exciting new activities like cleaning my flat more than once a month, not allowing little old ladies to stop me in the street before I accept the fact that flowing chiffon kaftans are not appropriate for the British winter and getting to work at my contracted hours of 8.45am.
Ah yes! It’s been fun. I only wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and effort on the latter. I should have continued with my usual routine of strolling in at whatever time I finally manage to drag my fine tooshy into work after stopping for a Starbucks and muffin of course (No this is not why I am fat. I am fat because I am genetically predestined to be fat...ignoramus). My efforts at being a normal employee after my last performance review was obviously not taken into account because the other day Joan, my manager, called me into her office and...
“Mena I’m afraid I have some bad news”
“Bad news? What’s wrong? Is the sandwich guy not coming in today”?
Ricardo the sandwich guy...6ft 160 pounds of Brazilian hot stuff who is made even more gorgeous by the fact that come 11.30am he’s striding through the door bearing a variety of luscious snacks to keep a girl going. It would be a disaster if he didn’t turn up.
“Erm no, it has nothing to do with Sandwiches. The company has been badly affected by the recession and they are trying to cut costs where ever possible”.
Geez not again. It’s bad enough that the staff bathroom is now only supplied with industrial grade toilet paper. It’s so horrible I’ve actually had to start buying my own toilet paper instead of stealing it from work like I usually do. What on earth are they going make us give up now?
“We thought long and hard before making this decision and as painful as it is we have decided to let some people go”.
Ah ha! Finally my anonymous suggestions to HR have been taken into account and they are about fire my arch nemesis...Telly Tubby from Accounts. The bane of my life is now about to get her comeuppance. No one charges Mena £5.96 for paper clips and gets away with it. No siree!
“Having discussed it with upper management and other members of staff we have decided to let you go”.
I totally agree with your decision as nice as Telly Tu..., Sorry Amanda is, her people skills leave a lot to be desired.
“Sorry, you’ve lost me. What has Amanda got do with this? Why would I call you in here to talk about Amanda”?
Isn’t she the one leaving? Ok something’s wrong here. Maybe I should actually have been listening whilst she was talking instead of trying to think of witty one liner's to send Telly Tubby on her way. My current favourite is “Adiós muchachos. Don’t let the door hit your tubby bottom on the way out”. Anyway focus Mena! What is the boss lady saying? So far I’ve got bad news, recession, let someone go and the someone isn’t Amanda. Ok if it isn’t Amanda then .......Gee is it suddenly kind of warm in here?
“Sorry who’s leaving again” I ask even though the fact that she’s slowly edging her office chair closer to the fire escape is more or less an indication that it’s me.
“I’m sorry Mena but it has nothing to do with you. It was all based on a last in first out basis. So please don’t take it personally”.
“Oh I see. There’s obviously been some awful mistake with HR then because I wasn’t the last one in. The new document production girl was the last person we hired. Phew! That’s a relief I actually thought I was going to have slap you silly for a moment there and I can tell you that wouldn’t have been any fun for me as I just got my nails done. Cool I’ll get her to come in so you can ruin her day”.
“Ah no Mena. There hasn’t been a mistake. I’m sorry but the truth is that we took a vote and the ballot was unanimous. Everyone finds you rude, aggressive and difficult to get along with. We really can’t afford to keep you here any longer because it’s only a matter time before one of the other member's of staff takes us to court for employing a bullying psychopath”.
Emi Psychopath?? Breathe Mena. Remember the 12 steps to conquering your inner demons. Breathe, smile and repeat after me “I am an intelligent, superior and sexy woman who is surrounded by stupid and ugly people and I must always be patient and kind to those who are less hot than I am.”
“Joan please stop trying to open the fire escape and come and have a sit. I’m not sure why you are so anxious around me? Let’s sit down and talk about this like adults”. Wèrè! Feel free to jump out the window sef; I’ll be right behind you so I can kick your ass in mid air.
“You just threatened to slap me silly and you’re wondering why I’m anxious around you”?
“Joan, Joan, Joan. You really shouldn’t take everything I say so seriously. Can’t a girl crack a few jokes in the office? I think that’s what the problem is here. You all just don’t get my unique sense of humour. I’m not rude or aggressive; I’m just playing with you guys. This is so not a sacking issue. How about we plan an office night out and I take you guys to a couple of comedy clubs to get your humour juices flowing”?
“Look Mena I’m sorry but we’ve made up our minds and our decision is final. I would really appreciate it if we could end this on a dignified note. Please pack up your desk and leave peacefully or I’ll have to call security”.
Needless to say after sepeing on the whole office in Yoruba and attempting to help Telly Tubby lose a few pounds by chasing her round the office with stapler in order to give her free tummy tuck, I was forcibly removed from the office by security.
So you see it’s not worth being a diligent employee in the long run. If I’d known it was going to come to this I would soooo have stolen a whole lot more from the stationery cupboard.
Anyway here I am sitting at home forced to blog for entertainment because there’s only so much day time TV a girl can watch. My main worry not being how I’m going to survive without a 9 to 5 but more how the hell am I going to buy shoes??? Boo Hoo! This situation has allowed me time to think and I’ve decided I need to be amongst like minded people who get me and where better to find them than back home.
Yes blog fans I’m coming home. Where the crazies run free and people actually pay attention to the statement “Do you know who my father is”? Believe me it doesn’t work here. I’ve tried on several occasions when trying to get a decent level of customer service at Tesco’s. So as soon as some lucky lucky person who doesn’t believe in references and a decent work ethic snaps me up, I’ll be winging my way over to the sunny shores of Niaja.
See you guys soon.