Please pull the trigger

I’m hungry and sleepy and it’s only 8.49am. Who the hell invented work anyway?

Someone who obliviously had no friends or money and needed a medium to meet new people and get paid for it.

My, my, brain. You’re on point today. First intelligent thing you’ve thought of in a while. Sure beats the "Lets move back home and live happily ever after" idea…Twit. Look at me! Young, beautiful and stuck in a windowless office. I think I’m getting scurvy from the lack of vitamin D. Anyway thank God tomorrow is apparently a public holiday.

Why?

Who knows? Maybe they managed to find that guy called Yaradua they’ve been looking for.

You mean the president?

Oh is that who he is?

Erm... yeah! And I’m the twit?

Hey! Don’t judge me. I’ve been here God knows how long and I've never seen him. I thought that guy Lucky Charms (Isn’t that a breakfast cereal?) or whatever was running the place. I thought Yaradua was some kinda comic character that you got a prize for finding? You know, like those “Where’s Wally” books? You don’t know? Though, expand your literature base mate. There’s more to life than Ikebe Super.

Anyway who cares why there’s a holiday. All I know is come 5.45 tomorrow morning I’ll still be snoring(It’s unfortunate but even beauties like myself have flaws) away instead of dragging my behind to the bathroom, praying for clean water to come out of the tap. Not to mention the fact that I won’t have to socialise with the frightening five at my ibi ise.

I’ve tried people. Really I have. But I swear, if I have to listen to Happy Chappy sing “Bumper to bumper” one more time… Not to mention Boli lover who likes to sing “Orobo to Bad o”, every time I walk into a room. Is that supposed to flatter me in some way? I keep finding newspaper wrapped boli on my desk. Lord! I hope the man is not trying to woo me because that would be tragic. The thought of me and him together is just too frightening to contemplate. I know it’s been a while but hell I ain’t that desperate. Even my mother would ask God what she did wrong if I brought this one home. Then again, you never know with my mother so I better keep this under wraps. Lord what is he wearing today? Is that a Safari suit? I’m all for retro, but come on.

Yes I can’t wait. This weekend I plan to do some serious chilling. Switch off my phone, catch some zzzz’s, get my hair and nails done, maybe catch…

Ring

Lord it’s my mother. What now?

“Morning Mother”.

“Look, your dad and I are travelling today”.

“Really? That’s nice. Where are you off too?”

Thank you Lord. I will so not skimp on the offering this Sunday.

“We’re going to Ilorin for the long weekend. We are taking all the staff with us.”

Hang on a second here. Who’s supposed to cater to my every whim?

“But Mummy how will I manage? What if the light go out? How will I use the generator?”

“Use whose generator? God forbid. You better get down to NEPA and sleep with whoever handles light on the Island because you are not touching my gen.”

“Mother please! Was that necessary?”

“Look you are burning my credit. We are travelling and there will be no one around. Do with yourself what you will but just make sure nothing happens to my house before Monday. Don’t bother calling either myself or your father over the weekend as we will both be very busy if you know what I mean” she says giggling like a teenager.

“Ewwww!!! Mother pleeeeeaase.”

"Ori re ko pe. Who are you eeewwwwwing? You think it’s only you young people that know how to have fun?”

“Mother, I would rather not discuss your extra-curricular activities with you”
Especially since it’s been so long since I had any. Can’t believe my mother is getting more action than I am.

What are you saying Mena? But you tell everyone that you are pure and untouched by man?

Shut it brain!! Don’t make me hurt you. Considering how long it’s been that statement is technically not a lie. Oh gee,is this woman is still yammering on?

“I’ll have you know that at my age I am still as supple as any 18 year old. I am waiting for the small girl that thinks she can take my husband away from me."

Steady on kinky grandma. Lets not get our knickers in a twist here. Last I looked the only competition you had for my father's affections was the DSTV box.

"Which one she won do? Na Tantric? I know am. Na Karma Sutra? I don finish the book. You all think you are adventurous because you’re spanking each other. That one na adventure? I beg talk better thing.”

Somebody shoot me now…please.

“You wait till the night before your wedding, and then I will teach you things that have been passed down from generation to generation to all the women in my family. Wo, your husband will not be able to speak for 10 days afterwards. In fact some people still believe I jazzed your father because he was struck dumb for the 1st month of our marriage. Ah! Let me even tell you what my sister, Aunty Jo, told me she used on your uncle Femi the other day.”

“Ok mother I love you but I’m hanging up now”.

Click.

I know that was rude and she’ll make me pay for it later but I had to find a way to keep my sanity. What child wants to know her parents are still getting up to funny business? Ewwwww…Now I can’t get the thought out of my head. I’ll never be able to lampash again. There goes my chilled relaxed weekend. No food, no transport and images of wrinklies doing the nasty to torment me through the NEPAless nights.

That woman should be ashamed of herself. As for my father…well you guys are all like rabbits aren't you? You could be 90, blind, with a heart condition so severe that you’re the poster boy for Bypass operation monthly, but you would still find a way to get your groove on. I advocate a cut off age for all this fooling around business. After 60, we should all be happy with a cup of cocoa and a cuddle before bed time. I ain’t trying to move my arthritic joints around to please any man. Neither will I be traumatising my children with strange squeaking noises coming from my bedroom.

Story, story Mena. Are you trying to say you will send your husband off into the arms of another woman once you hit sixty?

Nope! Who said anything about another woman? I might just drug him and have him neutered whilst his asleep. Simple. He won’t know what’s hit him and I’ll be able to have a good nights sleep without someone trying to wrestle me into unnatural positions on a daily basis. Look it’s not just me that thinks this way you know? I’ve spoken to many married women my age and they all feel the same. They aren’t all ripping off their bra's and covering themselves in melted chocolate every time they hear there husbands car in the driveway(not saying I won't do it but everyday ain't Christmas buddy).

I have a 28 year old friend who sends her husband a text at 3pm everyday to say “What’s it going to be? A home cooked meal or 30 minutes of fooling around"? She's been married for 2 years and she still doesn't know where the kitchen is in her house. Let’s just say her local takeaway has been able to open 3 more branches on her man’s contributions alone. Let’s face it; we all know which one you guys would rather have. So can you imagine 30 years plus of non stop action? Come on give me break. You wan kill me? Me too I be somebody’s pikin.

Erm Mena! You might not want to be saying stuff like that whilst you’re still looking for a man. Maybe wait till you've got him down the aisle before you bring up your 30 year expiry date

Ooopps! My bad. Good thinking brain. Although next time you might want to do your thing before I put my foot in it not after...Twit. You guys all know I was kidding right? I really wouldn’t have my future hubby neutered in his sleep. Hey! Where are you guys all going? Come back. It was just a joke. I beg you; please don’t leave me with Boli Lover.