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Thursday, March 04, 2010

There I was minding my business when....

I was in Sweet Sensation the other day…

Ah ah! Ma so si ita! Hot chick like you shouldn’t be announcing the fact that she’s hanging out at Sweet Sensation. You should be dropping names like Amber Creek, Marco Polo and other “Good to be seen” places. I beg, respect yourself o.

Hiss…if you like detach yourself from my skull and go and find another body to inhabit. Anyway as I was saying; I was in SWEET SENSATION the other day as I had a sudden craving for all things local (I beg. Woman cannot live by Tuna salad alone). I was standing by the counter trying to decide between steamed bean pudding and spicy mixed spinach when…

What the hell???!!!! You don enter local joint finish you are now trying to blow fone? I beg say what you mean my friend; Moin moin and Efo riro.

Can you see I’m ignoring you brain? Anyway where was I? Yeah! I was trying to decide what to eat when someone tapped my Reiss clad shoulders and said “Hi”.

Great! I think turning around to see who could possibly know me in a place like this. Lo and behold it’s one of the Fiendish Five from my ibi ise. I should have known better than to pick a branch close to my office because standing in front of me with a poodle perm trying to pass as an afro, was Bad Weave Chick. I momentarily thought about pretending to be my own twin sister in order to avoid conversation but she might not buy that seeing as I’m still in my work clothes from earlier on. Fine! I might as well get the pleasantries over with.

You see? You see yourself now? When I am trying to tell you something, it’s always “Shut up brain. Don’t make me hurt you brain”. It’s even good. Maybe by the time your entire being is engulfed in flames caused by the static all that her fake synthetic hair is generating, you would have learnt your lesson.

“Hello” I said with all the enthusiasm I could muster. “What are you doing here”?

“I could ask you the same question. I never thought I would bump into you here”.

“Really? Why would you be surprised to see me here?”

“Well you’re just always so snobbish. You never come out with the rest of the team and to be honest you just always act like you’re too good for places like this.”

Hey! Hey! Back up static sister. Wetin you just call me again? Me? Snobbish? See this girl o? God save her that I want to enjoy my public holiday or I would have thrashed her right in front of the meat pie display counter at Sweet Sensation and risked jail. Abi is it by force to socialise? My philosophy not to hang with people that consider going to owambe parties a hobby remains intact and shall not be altered just because I happen to share office space with them. Nope I will not be spending my “Me” time in a local holding cell so I shall be calm.

Really you think I’m snobby? I’m sorry if I seem stand offish but you have to appreciate the fact that I’m new and it’s going to take me a little while to get used to you guys".

Yeah right! It will be a cold day in hell when I make the effort to get used to fake leather accessories. What the hell is that you’re carrying anyway? Oh my God! Does your bag emblem say “Coc Canel”?

"Well if you say so. I guess we’ll just have to be patient with you. Anyway I’m glad we ran into each other because there’ s something I need to talk to you about and it’s probably better we do it out of the office."

What now? I hope she’s not planning to discuss her yucky crush on the office Romeo with me because thinking I might somehow be interested in his satin shirt wearing self (I know! Where does he think he is? Fantasy Island?), might just be one insult too far today. Sod “Me” time. I’ll whoop her a.. and do the time with joy.

"Sounds intriguing".

"Well the thing is I was told to tell you by someone in the office that your sleeveless dresses are not really appropriate for the workplace".

Na lie! Please brain replay wetin she just talk.

Apparently your Betty Jackson capsule work wardrobe, consisting of this season's to die for dresses is not suitable for your current work environment. Now excuse me whilst a retreat into a coma like state so I cannot be blamed for whatever you are about to do next.

“I beg your pardon but where does it say in the company handbook that sleeveless outfits aren’t allowed and anyway, if HR had a problem, surely they would have informed me formally.”

I like you jare. Violence is not the answer. Instead use your superior sentence construction to tell her what for.

“Oh! Well it’s not so much that they aren’t allowed…Look let me just be honest with you and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but since we’re kinda close being in the same department and all, I was told to tell you that your arms are too big for sleeveless dresses and they don’t really suit you”.

Mena! Mena! Please answer me. You’ve got that scary Freddy Kruger look in your eyes again. Mena please forgive her for she knows not what she says. She’s young and stupid. Can’t you see the real culprits didn’t come themselves, they sent Dumbo here with the message instead. Please Mena let her live. Let her live. Mennnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

1 comment:

Toxbunny said...

Political correctness has just totally bypassed Nigeria. Sam ereason why people ask your marital staus an dif you have children in interviews- how does that affect my ability to do my job??? Anyways, she deserves some whup-ass mena, make sure you SHOW her.