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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Maybe Lunch wasn't such a good idea.

Ibis ise Lagos style ain’t working for me at the moment. I haven’t had a laptop in over a week and I’m starting to lose the will to live. I always thought the crazies in this mad house would get to me first but I actually think the boredom might beat them to it. At least when I had my laptop I could pretend to be busy on some important report, when all I was really doing was sending complaint letters to Pack'N’Shop for refusing to restock their nut department with Pistachios. I mean what kind establishment gets a girl hooked and then takes away her supply? Exactly! I plan to take this issue to the highest level.

Anyway I digress. The problem now is I can’t pretend to be busy anymore so my desk is now the resting point for every bored tushy in the office. Apart from Bad Weave chick who is avoiding me after my frosty reception to her “Hello” on Monday, everyone in the dept feels the need to come over and torment me with their pointless conversation. After my narrow escape from Boli Lover’s local advances yesterday I definitely was not in the mood for Ladies Man today.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeelllll, I wasn’t until I saw the look of utter longing on Bad Weave’s face as he headed in our direction. Hmm…Big arms abi? Well watch those big ol' arms catch your man cow.

“Hello” I said as he perched his rather pert bum cheeks on my desk. Never noticed the abs before and he smells kinda good too.

Ok Mena. Focus. We shall not be lusting after co-workers today. We’re just going to rub the cow’s nose in it for a bit and we shall return to ice princess mode ASAP. Comprende?

Ah brain. Why do you always have to be so serious? Loosen up. There’s a cute guy with a cute butt at our desk, which doesn’t happen every day (at least not in this hottie deprived office anyway). So let’s have some fun.

Mena you do realize he’s been talking for the past 5 minutes while you’ve been staring at his lunchbox?

He has? He really shouldn’t speak you know. He should just put on a pair of Speedo’s and dance for naughty Mena. Yeah bad boy! Dance for mama.


Sorry. It’s been a while. It’s alright. I’m cool. Chastity belt is still on.

15 minutes of girly giggles and eyelash fluttering later, I’m on my way out to an early lunch with Ladies Man and last time I saw Bad Weave girl she was heading to the ladies. Probably to cry her eyes out. Hehehehehehehe.

You’re evil!

I know.

I’m back from operation “Make her pay” and I think in some twisted, karma biting me in the ass kinda way, I’ve just made myself pay. That was the longest 45 minutes of my life. Abi, is just me or are average/unattractive looking guys just a tad more interesting than the drop dead, take me now kinda guys? I only ask because in my experience hotties just never seem to make much of an effort on dates. It’s like they assume the fact that they turned up is enough. You can see the “You mean upon the free food you are eating and my dazzling good looks you still want me to be talking en? I can see you are very greedy and not the woman for me” thoughts going through their heads. Apparently decent conversation is an optional extra we have to pay for.

I once went on a date with a guy that was so loin burning hot (Yes I did. I promise I’m not making it up. I do occasionally date out of the ugly gene pool you know), it actually hurt to look at him. I could feel the “Who give monkey banana?” looks from the other women in the restaurant but what they all didn’t know was that I would have handed him over in a heartbeat cause Lord, I was bored. I wonder if this is why all my long term boyfriends have not been what you would call “Hotties”. I think interesting to look at would be the best way to describe them but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. What they lacked in looks they certainly made up for in personality. I think most of them probably couldn’t believe my fine ass self was agreeing to go out with them to begin with, so I was their trophy girl until they realized I was just as crazy as all the ugly chicks (Sorry, I meant facially challenged)they were used to dating.

Anyway I digress again. Yuck! Is he winking at me from his desk? What the hell have I gotten myself into? Bad Weave is welcome to Ladies Man shallow but cute behind cause I sure as hell don’t want it. All through lunch he barely said a word that didn’t revolve around his hotness and how women just throw themselves at him. And when he wasn’t talking about himself, he just stared into my eyes and kept touching my hand every time he laughed at his own dry jokes. After a while I started to panic that maybe he was trying out some new hypnotic jazz on me. So I spent the rest of the afternoon making sure my purse and knickers were still intact. God forbid I should wake up the next day, robbed and violated by the office gigolo just because I wanted to get even. Who I go tell that kin story to? Anyway I made it back to the office safely but the purse and knicker inspection shall continue until I am safely behind the jazz free walls of my father’s compound.

Annoying Married Chick, Bunnylicious & Ijebu Chick, I beg take turns to check up on my whereabouts for the rest of the day. Should I not respond to your calls please tell Mama Mena to immediately activate the tracking device I know she has implanted somewhere under my skin (It’s the only explanation for how she always knows what I’m up to. It’s either that or she's chanelling some serious Harry Potter moves) and send MOPO's to rescue me. I expect to be found before Ladies Man ever discovers what bra size I wear or that I’m wearing the knickers that have “Monday” printed on them on a Thursday(Is it my fault the elastic on my Thursday knickers broke? And I so don’t want to hear anything about my fat ass or how days of the week knickers are meant for 5 year olds). I expect you all to forget the evil things I've done to you in the past and save my jazzed behind ok? Thanking you in advance.


Toxbunny said...

Mena, Mena, Mena. How many times did I call you? After posting e go better, you shouldnt have stooped to such. Now you are paying for it...anyway, luuurved the blog - keep updating so we know you havent been jazzed into marrying your random bloke sha!

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Anonymous said...

Right away i call for a crazies anonymous group in Lagos, i am beginning to feel that there are one too many really mad women in that town... nice to meet one of the brethren ... if you want, i may just introduce you to a few more... finally my own money making venture that no one else caters to in that Lagos, and does not involve me hawking the services that my organization pull out of thin air,place on a tray and make me walk around the streets to peddle!
Lovely post.. so now i go all the way to the 1st entry and work my way back.... well done!

Anonymous said...

Luvly blog Mena! You blog is well written and funny! a very rare find these days.. Will certainly be back. Well done!

@ Lagos Crazies..count me in...