And the pain goes on.

"Mummy! Stop hugging me. I can’t breathe and my wrapper."

She looks down and notices that my “Only to be seen after marriage goods” are on display. A normal mother would hastily cover up her daughter’s modesty but mine just laughs and says

“What haven’t we all seen before?”

I beg your pardon?! Give me my wrapper jo. Maybe you’re in the habit of flashing your bits around but I like to keep mine encased in 100% silk knickers and under clothes preferably.

"Mummy please!!!!"

"Ok o but when all 3 of you used to play around naked and we used to beg you to wear cloths that was a different story abi? You are now posing for each other? Oya hold still let me help you tie it."

Me and who? I never have and I never will be involved in a kinky 3 way. The rumors are all lies. Anyway, Mena never forgets a naked hottie and I ain’t ever seen either of these guys before. Naked or otherwise.

"Mena don’t you remember your cousins?" says my mum as she deposits me into the nearest chair.

"Cousins?"

YOU LIE WOMAN!

I have no hot cousins. All my cousins are fugly! Fuuuuugggglllyyy! I tell you and they have no style to boot.

She’s probably being a typical Nigerian and calling random family friends cousins.

Please God don’t let them be biological cousins. I should at least get to have one of them after letting them see my naked bottom. I’m sure it’s in the Bible that you have to marry who ever sees you naked.

Really? All the other ones before this  n’ko?

I don’t know what you are talking about. I am as pure as the driven snow. I now see you are the people spreading all the lies about me en? You don’t want me to marry abi? As Ijebu Chick likes to say “All my enemies die, die, die!”

Ah ah! Which one na die again? Back to sender.

Tough!!!!! My Epée shield is up and fully activated. Nothing is coming back to me. Komot from my blog jare enemy of marital progress.

"Yinka*, Ayo* you don’t remember Mena?"

Yinka*!!!!!! It can't be. He ain’t no blinkin’ cousin. He’s my mum’s friend’s scrawny kid that used look up my skirt and put his boogies in my hair. Last time I saw him he was being trashed by his mother for melting my Suntan Barbie in the oven. How dare he come back 30 years later looking all hot? As for his Brother Ayo, wonder if he’s still a total nerd? Always had his big ol' head in a book. The rest of his body has definately caught up with his head sha. All muscly. Not as hot but definitely not fugly either. Lord I so need some make up.

We all mumble, “Hi’s” and one of the non-cousins suggests that my mum better take me to the hospital.

2 hours later I’m on my way home with more drugs than Tyrone on a project street corner. I apparently have a viral infection which my mother has attributed to me kissing boys that don’t come from good homes. I am too tired to question the medical basis of her diagnosis. I just want to put my head down and sleep. I snuggle into her lap and let her stroke my hair.

“This is nice” I think as I start to nod off.

"So which one should we focus on?"

Huh? What’s she talking about now? Be quiet woman and stop spoiling the Hallmark moment.

"Yinka is a bit too fine and exciting for you. I don’t think you can handle him. Maybe if you start wearing your Body Wowo and some Lycra dresses, I might be able to get him interested."

My own mother is not really saying all this to me. It’s the drugs making me hear things.

"Ayo is better. Very stable young man. You won’t have problems with him. I saw the way he was looking at you today. Even with your rolls of fat on display he seemed interested."

I’m not listening….Lalalalalalalalala

"I think he has some local “Buy me credit” girlfriend his mother doesn’t like. Between the two of us we can get you two together by Independence Day. They said they would come and check up on you later so as soon we get home, I don’t care how sick you are, you will have a bath and make yourself look ravishing."

"Mummy! You and Aunty are not God. Please leave Ayo and his local girlfriend alone. We are all adults and I would like to think, capable of making our own decisions. If he likes me he will let me know without you meddling. Now can we please just forget about men and marriage for one day and focus on the fact that I’m ill?"

Next thing I know my head is being roughly removed from her comfortable lap and shoved to one side.

"Mummy! That hurt." I moan rubbing my throbbing temples.

"Good. That pain is nothing compared to what you will feel when you wake up at 40 all alone and realize that your posing caused it."

"Look I’m not saying you can’t hook me up mum. I’m just saying you don’t have to go all mafia and start getting rid of current girlfriends or stalking people. You’re making me look desperate."

"In case you haven’t been looking around, you’re not the hottest or youngest chick in Lagos. You better be desperate and start fighting for what you want or else all those small girls with their perky breasts and hot pants will have married at least 3 times before you get to number one. Love and marriage is not like in the movies darling. It’s a war. It was a war when I was your age and I didn’t even have half the problems you have to contend with now. I know you think I’m mean to you and that I don’t care about your feelings when I say these things. The truth is I love you more than you will ever know and the thought of you being all alone when I’m gone scares me."


"Oh Mummy!" I burst into tears and throw myself back into her ample bossom(It runs in the family).

She loves me and she's so right. I don't want to die all old and alone surrounded by my shoes.

"There, there, don t cry. It’s going to be alright. Mummy is going to fix everything. As soon as we get home just go upstairs and shave off that nature reserve growing under your armpits ok? And don’t you have a sexy dressing gown because this your wrapper moves just dey disgrace person."

Why do I fall for it every time?