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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Make the pain stop!

I woke up yesterday morning and felt like I’d been doused in hot acid, rolled in chill peppers and had the whole of Mo Hit records partying in my head. Everything hurt, ached and throbbed. My nose was all bunged up and I was hacking away like some demented old witch. I was ill…Again!

Lord why me? I blame all the constant crying on my shoulder by Bad Weave. She must have passed her local germs to me. My finely tuned virus defence system, having never encountered germs of such razzness and bad taste before, must have fled rather than touch them in battle. I don’t blame you my delicate white blood cells. Run! Save yourselves from the Fuji loving bacteria. But it means I need drugs and I’m going to have to go to the hospital. Even worse, it means I’m going to have to talk to my mother.

You mean you still haven’t let this BB Guy thing go Mena?

Of course I have. She is my mother after all. Its not like I can return her now is it? So I have accepted my destiny and I’m learning to bear my cross. Anyway, seeing as there currently isn’t a man on the horizon, the chances of getting out of this house anytime soon are looking slim. So I am respecting  myself before my mother sparks and boots my sulking behind out. I’m only avoiding her to ensure no harrowing conversations on marriage, weight or what I’m doing with my life occur.

I literally crawl out of bed, down the stairs, into the living room.

"Mummy I’m ill."  I say, collapsing at her feet and burying my head under her iro for comfort.

"Will you come on get off the floor and stop wiping your snotty nose on my clothes like a bush baby. Can’t you see we have guests?"

Huh? We do?

I peek out from under the iro and sure enough there were 2 other people in the room. And not just people, Hot, members of the opposite sex kinda people. Hmmm… My peripheral vision must really suck or I am reeeaaally ill. How the hell could I have missed hot guys?! OK let’s assess the situation. I’m lying on the floor in my see through nightie(It was laundry day and I got tired of waiting for “The One” to arrive before I could  launch it), a wrapper, hair net, no make up, no bra and at this point I no longer have the will to live.

I have 3 options:

A - Reverse crawl out of the room without saying a word and hope they think I was a figment of their imagination.

B- Continue to lie on the floor, close my eyes and say nothing until my mother is forced to call an ambulance to whisk me away from my current shame filled Mena moment


C- Get up! Say hello and walk out of there like I was the hottest thing since man discovered fire.

I chose to go with option C. I could turn this situation round. I am Mena after all.

Trust your bad self Mena.

Yeah! I'm bad! Sho mo! but er...Brain isn't. It chose to go with option B.


Abi? U wan deny am? No be u dey control all my bodily functions?

Try as I might I just couldn’t make myself get up. Anyway after taking so long to figure out what to do, getting up and saying "Hello" now would just be awkward. They wouldn’t just think I was local but insane as well. So I simply let my head fall to the ground (Owwwwww!!!!) and waited to see how long it would take my mother to react.


3 seconds. Not bad.

"Mennna!!! Oh my God help me! I think she’s dead."

Ah ah! What is always wrong with this woman? Which one is dead again? Don’t people ever faint where she comes from?

God forgive you. You are a very wicked daughter. Look at how you are scaring your mother?

I beg let me hear word. My head hurts. Anyway it’s not like I did it on purpose. You would do the same thing if you ran into hot guys whilst half naked with no make up on. STOP JUDGING ME!

"Quick help me lift her up."

No!!!! Lift ke? There shall be no lifting. The shame, if these 2 guys can’t carry my ample frame off the floor, might actually kill me. Doesn’t she watch TV? Check my airways and call an ambulance dammit! Payan payan!

"It’s alright madam calm down. We need to check she’s still breathing and that her airways aren’t obstructed before we move her."

Finally the voice of reason. Sounds like he watches ER. My kinda man. Unlike this Kakaki watching woman. If it was up to her, she would have thrown my unconscious, airway obstructed body unto the back of an okada and zoomed off to the ER, killing me in the process.

Ohhh nice. One of the hotties is checking my pulse. Strong, manly hands on my body...Mmmmm

"I can hear rasping noises coming from her throat..."

Damn! Did I moan out loud?

"She might be choking. Move back ma let make sure she’s not swallowing  her tongue."

"Menaa!!! Ti pa mi o. What will I tell her father? They will say it is the holy spices I have been putting in her food."

En???!!!! Holy wetin? God don catch you today. I thought my Frosties tasted a tad odd lately. Now we know why. I shall deal with you when I finish feigning unconsciousness.

What the…?

One of the hotties is trying to pry my mouth open. No way that’s gonna happen. I haven’t brushed my gnashers yet and no potential Mr.Mena is getting a whiff of morning breath before he’s had a chance to see the finer things I have to offer. So I clamp down hard and start to wonder how to get myself out of this quickly deteriorating farce.

I should just make a miraculous recovery.

I move my head from side to side, escaping mystery hottie number ones prying fingers( They tasted like donuts by the way...Yummy Tasting Hottie),

Omo ko omo!

and I  let out a few ladylike moans, before allowing my eyelids to flutter open.

" Where am I? What happened?" I say in a sexy low mumur

Ladies & Gentlemen and the Oscar goes to...

Yummy Tasting Hottie gazes into my eyes, touches my forehead and says

"You fainted. You're going to be..."

before MY MOTHER ruins our romantic first meeting by shoving him out of the way and putting me in a bear hug, whilst  sobbing like a baby.

Oh gosh! She is rather upset isn't she?

Yah think spawn of the devil?! There's a special place in the afterlife for ungrateful children like you.

I didn't mean too. Everything just spiralled out of control. Anyway don't worry, pay back has come early.  My mothers vigorous hugging just made my wrapper drop. My butt cheeks are on display for the whole world to see. I can't see Hottie number 2 but Yummy Tasting Hottie does not look impressed.

My aching head. Just kill me now and make all the pain and embarrassment stop.

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