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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Teacher can I be your pet?

Hey! Whys the alarm going off?

Its Saturday dammit!  

I’m going back to sleep jo. I was having a lovely dream about being president and my main edict was to have everyone become fatter than me. Yep! No one was allowed to be slimmer than Her Excellency, Presidentess Mena. Everyone must be at least a  size 16 and above. And also, no one could have longer hair, a bigger car or appear to be more intelligent than me in any way.

Yes! A nation of obese, thick, bald headed Picanto driving, hut dwellers is the future.  I must go back to sleep immediately and see if I can continue my fantasy reign.

No we can’t Mena. We having training remember?

Training ke?

Oh yeah. I remember now. Sodding HR with their various torture tactics. Who the hell arranges training for a Saturday? I’m sure they are infringing on my civil rights. I will complain to my local government councilor as soon as I figure out who it is.  Strategic Relationship Management indeed. I mean do I look like I need to be taught how to strategically manage a relationship?

Well …

Shut up


I said shut up. I don’t want to hear any of your random thoughts Brain. I want to sleep, so I suggest you start making it happen. Now start humming my favorite lullaby.

Mo ri omoge to rewa to duro shepe shepe figure 8 shepe shepe figure 8
Orombo aya re o dun ji osan lo

Olomoge dance with your chest, 
Dig it right, dig it left o ya oya were were Ki a mosa 
Jowo dance with your chest

Ah! Yes. Nothing like some old school Shina P. Don't know what J.Holiday is on about but this is the only thing that puts me to bed.

Training ko, training ni.  I’m knackered. Had my first session with the Terminator yesterday and I swear even my teeth hurt. The man is brutal; my mother collapsed after the first 15 minutes and had to be dragged by her feet back into the house. Don’t know why the woman likes to deceive herself. She and her ample behind should just sit somewhere and accept their destiny. I on the other hand did not have the luxury of feigning unconsciousness. Every time I thought about quitting, the image of my 50K check going into Terminator's pocket would revive me. So excuse me if I don’t feel like jumping out of bed to hang out with my irritating ibi ise people on the weekend.

Brain!!! Why have you stopped singing and why are my eyes still open?

Mena, you know we’ll get into trouble if we don’t go?


Well, we might hate them all but we still need to eat until one of your hare brained…I mean awesome schemes makes us rich.

OOOHHHHHHHH!!!!! I’m tired and I was planning to pamper myself today. Get my hair and my nails did. Pluck the caterpillars that were once my eyebrows. It was going to be a “ME” day Brain.

Boo Hooo!!!!

There, there. Don’t worry you just get through the training and then we can go to the Palms and laugh at all the girls who are inappropriately dressed for the cinema.

Sniff…Really? That would be fun. 

OK, I’ll go but the minute anyone mentions the word “Role play” we’re faking a seizure and getting outta there.


Arrggghhh!!! Knew I shouldn’t have come. Ladies Man has already plonked himself next to me in the training room. He must think he looks very sexy in his t-shirt, medallion and ripped jeans combo. I beg move your Ricky Martin looking self away from my side jo.  Nonsense.

This people need to get a move on. The session was meant to start at 9.30am. It’s now 10am and I’m being forced to have conversation with my work colleagues; someone will pay dearly for this.

Finally Trainer Chappy walks in apologizing profusely for being late.

Yeah wo’eva mate. Just switch on the projector and do your traini…

Aye Caramba!!!!!

Brain I hear you o. Who be this?

Walking in right behind Trainer Chappy was a tall, dark, muscular drink of chocolate milk.  Dressed in a casual black shirt, jeans and the latest edition leather converse sneakers…I know I say this a lot but this time I mean it…I think I’m in love.

Trainer Chappy introduces him as a colleague from the Middle East who’s here to help with certain aspects of the day. I’m suddenly geared up and ready to learn. Why the hell am I not wearing make up???!!!!!

Tall Drink of Chocolate's gaze glides over the room as he says “Hello” and our eyes finally meet.  His gaze remains on me a second longer than expected and my heart skips a beat. He gives me a cheeky grin and heads to the back of the class to sit down.

It takes every ounce of will power I have not to chase after him, tackle him to the ground and demand that he makes me Mrs. Tall Drink of Chocolate immediately.

Mena, we shall remain calm and lady like.

 I tried. I didn't look back during the first 30 minutes of the class. I pretend to be listening to what Trainer Chappy is saying but in actual fact I’m trying to see if I can spot my new heart throb in the reflective surface of the projection screen. Nada!  I can’t take it any more! I'm going to have to turn round and sneak a peek.

Awww…Still as lovely as ever, gazing intently into his computer screen. He's got little flecks of grey in his hair…very sexy. His hand slowly goes up to his face, probably to stroke his nicely trimmed goatee and then  …Ewwww! 

The dirty beast just stuck his finger up his nose and is having a good ol’ dig around. THEN he proceeds to wipe afore mentioned finger on a hanky.

Olodo! If you had a hanky why didn’t you use it in the first place??? What do you think they are for?

I despair at the caliber of men that constantly cross my path.

I immediately bb Annoying Married Chick and my sis in-law Iyawo Peanut Boy to inform them of my latest romantic disappointment and you’ll never believe what the two wicked sisters said to me…

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