The Boss 2

The email for Boss guy came in when I was gliding several 1000 miles over the Atlantic

towards my holiday destination…Good Ol’ Blighty; where shopping reigns and taking the bus is not detrimental to my aspiring bigz girlz status.

I was knackered from having to be among the “Allergic to deodorant “posse in economy so didn’t notice the email from the training centre till the following day. Something about some webinar that should have happened the day before…Opps. Guess he missed that then. Surely they must have told him about it verbally when he got there? I’ll just forward it to him anyway. There’s a link to some online documents not to mention the fact that it gives me an opportunity to keep the lust for Mena burning while I’m away.

Hello,

I’m so sorry I’ve only just managed to access to my e-mails and there seems to be one here for you. It came in while I was mid air, so apologies once again. I hope you’re enjoying the training? I’m really looking forward to hearing your feedback on their content and delivery when I get back. Maybe we could schedule an informal meet over coffee so we can discuss how to use some of their practices for our own internal training processes. Have a lovely day and please don’t the let the fact that I’m on leave deter you from letting me know if you need absolutely anything at all. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Mena

SEND

You’re a hoe!

That’s “Soon to be married to the boss” hoe to you Mr. Grey Matter. Have some respect for the woman that’s about to stand behind a very great man.

Why didn’t you send a picture of you in nothing but nipple tassels? That might have been a tad more subtle.

You lack class Brain. Everyone knows men are more interested in what they can’t see. I’m luring him in slowly. Creating opportunities for him to get to know me and realize that his life has been nothing but a sham filled with random unattractive women before moi.

I pirry you. You know most office relationships don’t work out?

That’s because most office relationships revolve around mediocre members of staff falling in love over Indomie snack boxes.  That is not my portion. I have done extensive research on Boss guy and the minimum standard I can expect is Sky lounge even on a broke day. Believe me; it will be easy to keep the love fires burning when they are being fanned by paper money in foreign denominations.

Hoe!

Inconsequential organ!

PING

Uhhhhh…Brain he’s responded already!!!!!!!! He feels it too Brain. He feels the attraction that cannot be denied.

You sicken me.

I wonder if he has cool family members that will be down with flying to the Cayman’s for our wedding. I’ve already removed all my non-English speaking relatives from my invitation list and anyone who has trouble pronouncing the letters T, R and S. Maybe I should…

ARE YOU GOING TO READ THE DAMN THING?!!

Brain!

Really! This behavior does not become you. Fine lets see what future hubhub has to say.

 Mena!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 This is VERY late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yessssss… It might be a tad late but what’s with all the exclamation marks?

 Werrin happen? No be webinar or dey share money for the place?

Hahahahahahahahaha…Iyawo oga.

Where the love letter dey?

Ok Mena. Deep breaths.

Lets read on. There may be terms of endearment further along.

Why did you even bother to send this? I mean come on! It doesn’t require a modicum of intelligence to realize that if the seminar was yesterday I wouldn’t need this today now would I.  Yesterday…Today! You do know the difference between the past and the present don’t you? Huh? Do you Mena because I am truly at a loss for words. You will learn and you will learn fast that I do not tolerate this sort of slap dash, slow thinking behaviour on my team. 

 Jesu! My own don finish.

Slow thinking?

Modicum of intelligence?

Is he calling me stupid?

At all. He’s considering nominating you for the Nobel Peace Prize for nuclear physics…Hahahahahaha

However I’m a survivor and I’m going to make it. I survived this little incident you managed to create with your lack of forward thinking. I suggest you ensure that I have no cause to attempt to survive any other Mena created fiasco’s while we are working together.

For time being enjoy your leave and we’ll discuss some of the worrying issues that my PA has brought to light regarding your proposals, when you return.  

Regards

Boss Guy

What just happened?

Why’s he quoting Destiny’s Child lyrics at me?

Does this mean no Sky Lounge and Cayman Island wedding again?

BRAIN WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!!!

Boooooooooooo hooooooooooo…

And Bad Weave…That cow has somehow figured out my proposal scam and ratted me out.

How? How could this happen? I’ve only been gone 2 days.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and let me think. There must be a way out of this mess with your Destiny Child Groupie, bipolar boss. You might be ok living with your loony toon mother and driving a Rio but this piece of grey matter was meant for bigger things and that’s not going to happen if you’re unemployed.

Chineke! Who said anything about being unemployed again?!!!

Boo Hoooooooooooooooo…He is gonna fire me isn’t he?

Maybe I should send a picture of me in nothing but nipple tassels? Oh Brain what are we gonna do?!

The Boss 1.

It’s been a while huh?

I know.

I’ve been depressed waiting for the axe to fall on my professional life.

My ibi ise finally discovered that I’d only ever written one actual proposal since joining the company and that the many hours I spend in the office are actually taken up with the planning of my 5 star Cayman Island wedding and cyber stalking potential husbands on Linked in.

Digressing…It’s amazing no one has ever seen the potential of Linked In as a dating tool.

That’s because they’re normal and they know cyber stalking is illegal.

Shut it Brain! It’s not like I come up with these ideas by myself so stop acting all superior. Anyway this is Naija. Nothing is illegal unless you get caught.

I love my country; not like those UK people that will be sending you threatening emails if you accidently try to find naked pictures of Idris Elba online.

Anyhoo, I set up an account as Mena Oil and Gas (MOG) and lured several potential hotties on dates under the pretext of interviewing them for senior mgt roles. I know some of you may think this is unethical…Raising young men’s hopes by promising them a lucrative career with perks and bonuses that could turn Ricky Martin straight but in the end I’m truly helping them to achieve the most important goal in their lives…A good wife aka me. Not to mention that’s what men do to women all the time. They promise us marriage with all the perks…Jewellery on our birthday, foreign holidays twice a year but what happens? We’re lucky if they take us up the aisle at all and let us go to their village for Christmas. So stop moaning. We all get what we deserve in the end. And let me just warn you people now, if Linked In should suddenly receive an anonymous tip off and shut down my page...I WILL FIND YOU!


I mean this the perfect solution for my man woes. Not only do I get to find out if their current salary bracket can keep me in Loubies, I also get to see how they react under intense Mena pressure. I’ve been dating aka interviewing one guy for a week or two now. Naturally he doesn’t know we’re dating but really that’s just a minor detail.

Everything was going fine until my key candidate pointed out that he didn’t think a darkened cinema was the appropriate environment for a 3rd stage interview. I told him it was a cognitive test to rate his attention skills and there would be a multiple choice test afterwards. Making him hold my hand was to test his level of compassion for his co-workers. He gave me a dubious look just as the lights were going down but he didn’t try to disengage his bear like paw from my dainty hands.

What?! I said he was hot, I didn’t say anything about him being bright.

Yep! You sure know how to pick em.


Wetin be your own? I go watch Snow White, chop popcorn and hold hand tire.

 I like this guy but he’s too suspicious jo. Always… questioning my actions.


“Why are you taking a bb picture of us sitting together?”


“Why are you calling me at 2am because you had a bad dream?”


“Why do we have to go to Kings of comedy together?”


“Why do you keep calling me Pookie when my name is Chukwu Emeka?”


I mean come on!!!! Does he want to be my husband or not?

Errr…No. He wants the seven figure salary and Ikoyi pent house you promised in your ad.


We all want that dear but do we all deserve it?

Not sure how much longer I can keep using new fangled psychometric testing to get him to hang out with me? I might have to break the news to him after the movie that he’s not MOG material and move unto the next victim.

I’m sure he’ll be heart broken


Sticks and stones Brain.

Anyway back to the matter at hand. You might be wondering how it’s taken them 2 years to figure out that I am less than competent to earn a salary. Truth be told, once you notice that someone can barely read the front page of a newspaper before losing interest, you kinda realize they’re not going to read a 50+ page proposal cover to cover. So a new cover page and executive summary equates to 30 minutes work, 6 hours 30mins on Knot.com and a steady pay check. Genius right? No be me teach you sha.

Everything was going just fine until the annoying sod who I reported to decided to retire. I mean you work in place for 15 years you might as well just make yourself comfortable and sit tight till the sweet chariot comes forth to carry you home abi? But no…some people are just damn inconsiderate. Anyway retirement meant new boss.

Initially I wasn’t too fussed, especially when I saw him come in for his interview. Not baaaadddddd. I could imagine the hot boss, sessy training manager hook up over late night strategy meetings already. Shame I’d be on leave when he actually started. Maybe I should postpone my leave as I can already see Bad Weave salivating as she adjusts her …I think it’s a wig; either that or a grass cutter crawled out of the forest and died on her head. Nope nothing to worry about here. The other office spinsters ain't got nothing on me. I shall go on leave and come back refreshed and ready to lure Boss guy into my exotic web.

Kinda feel sorry for him.The poor guy doesn't know what’s about to happen.


I think we’re destined to be because just before I go on leave I was asked to help register him for some training courses. We exchanged a few flirty emails, with him gushing over the fact that I was sooo helpful. So I went off on leave feeling all floaty and optimistic about my triumphant return to work in new Loubies to seduce Boss guy. Something in snake skin with a wedge hee methinks.

If only I knew then what I know now I might have saved myself the trauma of a colonic and the rude text message from GT Bank about trying to use my card at Chanel when I have no money in my account. I would have stayed in Las Gidi to defend my flat but delicate ass.