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Tuesday, July 03, 2012

The Boss 1.

It’s been a while huh?

I know.

I’ve been depressed waiting for the axe to fall on my professional life.

My ibi ise finally discovered that I’d only ever written one actual proposal since joining the company and that the many hours I spend in the office are actually taken up with the planning of my 5 star Cayman Island wedding and cyber stalking potential husbands on Linked in.

Digressing…It’s amazing no one has ever seen the potential of Linked In as a dating tool.

That’s because they’re normal and they know cyber stalking is illegal.

Shut it Brain! It’s not like I come up with these ideas by myself so stop acting all superior. Anyway this is Naija. Nothing is illegal unless you get caught.

I love my country; not like those UK people that will be sending you threatening emails if you accidently try to find naked pictures of Idris Elba online.

Anyhoo, I set up an account as Mena Oil and Gas (MOG) and lured several potential hotties on dates under the pretext of interviewing them for senior mgt roles. I know some of you may think this is unethical…Raising young men’s hopes by promising them a lucrative career with perks and bonuses that could turn Ricky Martin straight but in the end I’m truly helping them to achieve the most important goal in their lives…A good wife aka me. Not to mention that’s what men do to women all the time. They promise us marriage with all the perks…Jewellery on our birthday, foreign holidays twice a year but what happens? We’re lucky if they take us up the aisle at all and let us go to their village for Christmas. So stop moaning. We all get what we deserve in the end. And let me just warn you people now, if Linked In should suddenly receive an anonymous tip off and shut down my page...I WILL FIND YOU!

I mean this the perfect solution for my man woes. Not only do I get to find out if their current salary bracket can keep me in Loubies, I also get to see how they react under intense Mena pressure. I’ve been dating aka interviewing one guy for a week or two now. Naturally he doesn’t know we’re dating but really that’s just a minor detail.

Everything was going fine until my key candidate pointed out that he didn’t think a darkened cinema was the appropriate environment for a 3rd stage interview. I told him it was a cognitive test to rate his attention skills and there would be a multiple choice test afterwards. Making him hold my hand was to test his level of compassion for his co-workers. He gave me a dubious look just as the lights were going down but he didn’t try to disengage his bear like paw from my dainty hands.

What?! I said he was hot, I didn’t say anything about him being bright.

Yep! You sure know how to pick em.

Wetin be your own? I go watch Snow White, chop popcorn and hold hand tire.

 I like this guy but he’s too suspicious jo. Always… questioning my actions.

“Why are you taking a bb picture of us sitting together?”

“Why are you calling me at 2am because you had a bad dream?”

“Why do we have to go to Kings of comedy together?”

“Why do you keep calling me Pookie when my name is Chukwu Emeka?”

I mean come on!!!! Does he want to be my husband or not?

Errr…No. He wants the seven figure salary and Ikoyi pent house you promised in your ad.

We all want that dear but do we all deserve it?

Not sure how much longer I can keep using new fangled psychometric testing to get him to hang out with me? I might have to break the news to him after the movie that he’s not MOG material and move unto the next victim.

I’m sure he’ll be heart broken

Sticks and stones Brain.

Anyway back to the matter at hand. You might be wondering how it’s taken them 2 years to figure out that I am less than competent to earn a salary. Truth be told, once you notice that someone can barely read the front page of a newspaper before losing interest, you kinda realize they’re not going to read a 50+ page proposal cover to cover. So a new cover page and executive summary equates to 30 minutes work, 6 hours 30mins on and a steady pay check. Genius right? No be me teach you sha.

Everything was going just fine until the annoying sod who I reported to decided to retire. I mean you work in place for 15 years you might as well just make yourself comfortable and sit tight till the sweet chariot comes forth to carry you home abi? But no…some people are just damn inconsiderate. Anyway retirement meant new boss.

Initially I wasn’t too fussed, especially when I saw him come in for his interview. Not baaaadddddd. I could imagine the hot boss, sessy training manager hook up over late night strategy meetings already. Shame I’d be on leave when he actually started. Maybe I should postpone my leave as I can already see Bad Weave salivating as she adjusts her …I think it’s a wig; either that or a grass cutter crawled out of the forest and died on her head. Nope nothing to worry about here. The other office spinsters ain't got nothing on me. I shall go on leave and come back refreshed and ready to lure Boss guy into my exotic web.

Kinda feel sorry for him.The poor guy doesn't know what’s about to happen.

I think we’re destined to be because just before I go on leave I was asked to help register him for some training courses. We exchanged a few flirty emails, with him gushing over the fact that I was sooo helpful. So I went off on leave feeling all floaty and optimistic about my triumphant return to work in new Loubies to seduce Boss guy. Something in snake skin with a wedge hee methinks.

If only I knew then what I know now I might have saved myself the trauma of a colonic and the rude text message from GT Bank about trying to use my card at Chanel when I have no money in my account. I would have stayed in Las Gidi to defend my flat but delicate ass.

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