Hooray its Friday!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve had a crappy week so haven’t really felt like writing. Sorry but even budding Booker prize winners need time to feel sorry for themselves. So hopefully the fact that the weekend is here will make up for the fact that I am broke, still round, have no heating in my ghetto flat and that I ran into my ex boyfriend in the home furnishing addicts store ………..IKEA!
Its bad enough running into your ex in any situation but picture this………….Me looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, wearing my "Nobody I know could possibly be in Ikea at this time of night" outfit. Pushing my "I'm a leper and live alone trolley" with only one plate in it. Whilst he looks normal and is pushing his " I have partner and so I need the extra large squishy duvet to keep us warm at night trolley". Don’t get me wrong……….me not bitter but don’t you just hate it when that happens??? Anyway I will not let the event traumatise me because I too might soon be pushing the "Extra large squishy duvet trolley" around . I HAVE ANOTHER DATE WITH HOOOOOOTTTTTTTT DUDE!
Sorry….Just need to digress quickly. Why is it that the moment you meet someone you might be interested in all your old boyfriends/toasters start crawling out of the woodwork?? This week alone I’ve had 4 different guys who I haven’t spoken to in months call me and want to hook up. Do you guys have some kind of radar that tells you when you’re about lose one??? Do you like have a list of girls that fall into a "Might marry her when I finish fooling around and don’t meet anyone better" category? I just don’t get it ? Fella’s please let a sister know.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. This is the time for you people who claim to be my family and friends to show how much you really love me, by contributing to operation Bring the brother to his knees(BTBTHK). Hey! I TRIED BUT COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING WITH FUNKY INTIALS. This fund will provide me with the necessary equipment to ensnare my man. I suggest you all stop hiding your cheque books and think seriously about this. The sooner I catch a man, the sooner you will all finally be rid of me. So pay attention. This is what I will be needing:
I will need to turn my flat into a New York style loft apartment. If you have seen my flat you will know how expensive this is going to be. Bringing New York to the ghetto of Middlesex ain’t going to be easy. BUT IT MUST BE DONE! You see the secret of getting a guy to want to come over and hang out is to give him somewhere a whole lot nicer than the hovel he calls his bachelor pad to do it in. Also it helps to have sky sports and a play station. Who has the number for sky?
I need new underwear. In the event that my skirt should accidentally fall to my ankles for whatever reason(use your imagination people). It would be nice if he wasn’t confronted by my Benny Dee knickers. Whatever! All of you should be pretending you don’t know what or where Benny Dee is. Especially you Ijebu chick. We know you only bring out the good stuff on Bank holidays, Christmas, birthdays and when Arsenal win a match. I intend to rock sexy La Perla at all times. I just need to convince them to start making my size. Damn! These humungous boobies of mine. I think you should all contribute for plastic surgery first and then we will talk about underwear.
I need to stop buying Asda own brand food, toilet paper etc. The way to a mans heart is through his tummy and keeping his cute bum cute. I need superior quality food to enhance my cooking skills and moisturised toilet paper to keep his tooshy in perfect condition. I will now be shopping at Waitrose , Marks and Sparks and Harrods food hall. Be warned freeloading family members… These better food items will only be for HOT DUDE’s consumption. For all of you bringing your bowls, The Asda own brand rice and stew will be made available to you. And if you must use my newly refurbished bathroom my old copies of evening standard should suffice. HANDS OFF MY ALOE VERA INFUSED ANDREX. I have been warned to stick to hard core Niger food until he asks the big question. After that I will be packing up my mortar and pestle and bringing out my wok.
I need Tantric sex lessons, belly dancing classes, yoga classes, pole dancing lessons, stripping lessons and a 4 week course on mastering the Karma sutra. Before you all throw your Bibles at me………I will only be using said lessons AFTER I get the square cut yellow diamond nestled between two white teardrop diamonds in a platinum band. I just want to be ready and able to keep my might be future hubby entertained in all ways. Bunny go go licious come and lend me your sex manual now??? I promise I will return it with the post it notes still stuck on your favourite positions. Not the one with furry animals sha…………me not into all that kinky stuff with fur and floppy ears(The girl is just sick but she has her uses I guess. Still trying to figure out where on earth Just so Dude found her).
Hmmmm……..what else should I be incorporating into my new life as an almost no longer single chick??? Suggestions people! Keep thinking. I will be round everyone’s house tonight to collect my owo. There’s no point switching of your lights and pretending not be home. Where money is concerned I can be very patient. Got my sleeping bag , thermos flask of hot coffee and a picture of Tyrese to keep me company(Would prefer one of Hot dude but decided it might be a bit stalker like to insist on a picture on the first date). So ladies and gentleman I will be accepting cash, cheques and credit cards. No trade by batter or IOU’s will be accepted. Thanking you in advance!