Chineke! You useless borrow borrow family members will not kill me in London. IJEBU CHICK!!!!!!! WHERE ARE MY HAND WARMERS OR SHOULD I SAY GLOVES????!!!!!!!!!! My fingers have fallen off due to the arctic conditions and I am being forced to type with my nose. I suggest you return my gloves ASAP before I have to call a family meeting regarding your un iyawo behaviour. Respect yourself!!!! OK??
I’m sorry people. I’m usually a cultured , dignified individual but these people just bring out the worst in me and unfortunately that is the only language they understand. Wait till you are forced to seat on the tube with your hands between your legs and people are giving you strange looks because they think you’re making yourself happy. You might be forced to go native in the language department too. You would think that after rescuing her from marriage to some ijebu farmer and letting her into the bosom of our family she would be a tad more grateful. But just because she’s dropped one and she manages to keep IT dude mildly entertained, she thinks she can act anyhow. Anyway I don’t blame her its my fault for still hanging around. I need to get my ass married and then maybe, just maybe I’LL START GETTING SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE.
Speaking of marriage …I think I’ve finally figured out why I am single. All these years of pondering and it was soooooooo simple. I don’t like waiting!!!!!!!! I hate it. I hate queues, traffic, getting my hair done….anything that involves hanging around for something to happen is just a no no. I go to a restaurant and they say "How would you like your steak madam"?.....I’m like, just bring me the cow and a blow torch and I’ll sort myself out. I’m just not a very patient person. I want everything NOW!!
So you put a person like me in a dating situation and its just a blooming disaster, because if there is one thing that involves waiting around for stuff to happen……….its dating. Men are sooooo slow. They just think we’ve got time too waste. NEWS FLASH!! We don’t have time to waste. I’m almost ….I can’t bring myself to say it …..30. Yes! 30. My biological clock is on overdrive and soon I won’t be able to wear the backless/frontless see through wedding dress I had planned because I’ll look like mutton dressed as lamb. Get your act together guys. You’re fast enough when bedroom action might be involved but when it comes to developing a relationship ……………please give the brothers a pair of Adidas.
I went on date the other day with......lets call him "Hot dude". Hmmmm! I'm sorry, can we have a minute of silence just to appreciate his HOTNESS!!! Wow I'm all hot and bothered now. We better make that 5 minutes instead. Anyway, I think we better stop appreciating now or I might need to take the rest of the day off work. We've done the first date and now, there's all this waiting.
I have to wait for him to call. In the days before BT ruined every stalker’s life by introducing 1471, you could call a guy just to listen to his voice on the answering machine and be safe in the knowledge that he would never find out what a psycho you are before your wedding day(I'll just like to take this time to apologise to all those ex's I stalked in my unstable days. Lets forgive and forget fella's). Now you have to remember to withhold your number or it’s a restraining order for you girl and you can kiss goodbye to the ring. Also I grew up in the 80’s/90’s when a girl calling the guy first was seen as an act of desperation. Hell! I’m desperate and would be quite happy to stalk him with unwanted calls and texts but I’ve been warned by SE chick not to disgrace her by being my usual desperado self. So, I have to wait for his calls. Question class…….When is it acceptable for me to stop waiting and starting making the calls?
I have to wait for him to ask me out on a date. Why? I’m bored now. Nando’s are doing a buy one chicken get one free offer and a girls got to have chicken(I'm not a cheap date. I just like chicken).
I have to wait for him to invite me over to his place. Why? I need to do the secret girlfriend/lying bastard check. ( You know... he says he’s single but you need to check for a spare toothbrush, pair of female knickers or lipstick anywhere in the flat.) If I wait for him to invite me that means he’s had ample time to get rid of the evidence.
Have to wait for him to ask me to be his girlfriend(Uuuh! that sounds nice.....girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. Sorry...I get excitable). Why? I like him. Why should I wait for some hussy who hasn’t had to do all the work (i.e. buying food from Buka and pretending you can throw down in the kitchen. Wasting the yearly deficit of a small African country on your looks just to keep him hooked) just stroll in there and catch his eye whilst he’s still trying to get the words out.
Wait for him to invite me to spend the night(just holding hands of course). Why? Yeah yeah. I know BAD THINGS can happen. But just think about how much we would be saving on heating. Everyone benefits. The ozone layer, the planet and anyway I’m sure the Bible says waste not want not. I think that principle can be safely applied to this situation.
Wait for him to introduce me to the family. Why? If I wait how do I get to see what they are really like? Before I met Hurry up and propose Chick’s man, she pulled me aside and explained how my life wouldn’t be worth living if I ruined her chance of ensnaring the one man stupid enough to think she was hot. So I behaved myself. But hey! The minute they get married, I can go back to wearing my knickers as a hat and its too late for him to do sod all about it. So I think I need to be able to pay a surprise visit to his family. Make sure he’s grandma isn’t chained up in a hut in the backyard because she bites people, cause once I say I do I’m stuck with what ever loonies he’s got.
And lastly I have to wait for him to propose. WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY???????? You guys don’t know what it takes to plan a wedding. Timing is everything. You don’t do it soon enough, someone I know will beat me to the alter and nick all my wedding ideas. Then when I want to get married it looks like I copied someone else. Shallow? Like I care! Its my wedding and it has to be perfect.
The list of waiting just goes on and on . Its enough to drive anyone insane.
Why can’t he just take one look at me and say "Yeah she’s cute. She’s got child bearing hips. She’s nice and round so she can either cook or at least knows a pretty good take out restaurant so I won’t starve. She said something funny the other week, so can make me laugh at least once a month. Doesn’t wear her pants over her trousers , so seems normal. Okey dokey lets get married". Now isn’t that simple??? I hope all you fella’s are taking notes cause I am so tired of waiting. Hmmm! Might make an exception for you HOTTTTTTT DUDE. Call me! Lets talk about it.