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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Happy New Year...............

Oh my Lord! How long has it been people??? Have you all missed me? I know most of you spent many endless nights staring at your computer screens longing for the moment when Mena would return. It’s a shame none of you thought to send out a search party to find my ass. I could have been kidnapped by fat loving Igbo boys and forced to eat Krispy kreme's to maintain my sexy flab’s and dance erotically to the tunes of Victor Owaifo. But do you all care???? Obviously not. As long as you get your daily fix you are all happy. Well serves you all right then if you suffering from Mena withdrawal. Anyway I will forgive you all and let you once again bask in the glory of my life.

THE END OF 2005

Last few months were....how can I put it?...CRAP!! I spent most of it in a darkened room surrounded by every flavor of Ben&Jerry's ever created and all because....sob...I'm sorry, its just so hard ......sob...all because....Hot dude turned out to be NOT DUDE! after 2 dates with my happening self he realized he would always be an insignificant little worm compared to my wow self and removed himself from the picture. That’s all well and good but who they hell is going to reimburse me for the Ikea makeover and Aloe Vera toilet paper???

I think we should be able to sue guys for false representation. They shouldn't be allowed to get away with getting us all excited and hinting at better things to come and then going off and never calling again. Maybe if he had to sell his body to old age pensioners to pay for my new Ikea fluffy synthetic sheep skin rug he would think twice about messing girls around in the future. Anyway after the trauma of being rejected by a guy who probably can't spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious(Lord have mercy!!!!!Its from Mary Poppins you deprived people. Am I the only who had a video when I was a child), I emerged from my darkened room, threw away the tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in my freezer, re hung my life size picture of Tyrese in a thong on my wall and begged him to forgive me for ever considering dating a mere mortal. Life once again makes sense.

Since Crap dude(as Hot dude will now be forever known), I have been chatted up by dodgy blokes and one who even tried to instigate phone sex before we'd even been on a date. What is it with you men? You would think the rolling layers of fat would put them off, but nope they keep coming with their sick willy controlled minds looking for freebies. Maybe what Bunny go go licious says is true and not just spiteful banter due to the fact that I am hotty and she's just a crazy nympho animal lover. Maybe I do have a "Shag me" sign on my head. Is it possible that I might be the kind of woman who unknown ling exudes some hormone that drives guys into a I must Karma Sutra you now kind of frenzy??? Making them ignore my wifely attributes??? Lordy no! Answers on the back of a postcard on how I can permanently have the "Shag me" sign removed from my person. I refuse to be a free milk giving cow for the rest of my life.

But I guess it ain't all bad. I can build myself a nice little nest egg whilst becoming a shag free zone. Let’s face it; there are a lot of uglies out there who could do with some of my kinky pheromones. A few squirts and it’s suddenly shag fest 2006 in some poor deprived person’s boudoir. I'm all inspired just thinking about it. I wonder what I would call it??? Mena Amour or shaggadelic magic. Oh! Oh! I know, Mena's Magu Seduction. The possibilities are endless. I am truly a genius. Don't worry family there will be discounts for all those who knew me before I got rich and famous. Some of you will obviously be needing it more than others. Bunny go go licious.... you are totally BANNED from having any free samples due to your already insatiable appetite. Not giving you any reasons to work my brother into an early grave. Nope, the person that really needs it and I'm sure those of you that know her will agree, is SE chick. Don't worry honey; you'll be the first to get a bottle, so you can finally move on from bananas, plantain and all other yellow, peel able, pervy shaped fruit. Its time to move on to LIVING things. Male, female it doesn’t matter as long you are both of the same species. I know you think you are being economical by having a plaything that can later be turned into a variety of tasty dishes but really, its time to stop. No....please don't argue....just put down the banana and walk away from the fresh food aisle. No Girl!!!! Don’t look back. That’s a good girl. Go find yourself a nice dress, spray some Mena's Magu Seduction and nab yourself a man. AH! My work here is done people.

The rest of the year passed in an alcohol, present giving (non of them were mine, having been cast into a stingy non gift giving family), food and constant I'll go on a diet tomorrow haze. It came, it went, had its ups and downs but 2005 is finally out the door. For me .......more ups than downs but can't say I'm sad to see it go because things can only get better. HAPPY VERY BELATED NEW YEAR!

4 comments:

The 3Ts of Tunde said...

Mena, a friend told me about ur blog and must say u funny as heck. If I wasn't dating Nigeria's answer to Angelina Jolie.....and she wasn't holding a gun to my head right now I might (babes, don't pull the trigger. I said MIGHT!) give u a buzz. Keep writing.

mena said...

What’s a little pain brother??? So the bullet might hurt a bit. But it will only be for a short while, as you’ll probably pass out from the pain anyway. Reconstructive surgery is pretty good these days and even if you don’t end up looking as good as you used to, do I sound like the kind of girl who would complain?? Look, at this stage in my life, horrific facial disfigurement is the least of my problems. I refuse to let a man go when all I need is a paper bag to put over his head before bedtime. So stop being such a wimp and take the bullet.

The 3Ts of Tunde said...

Mena, took ur advise and yep, passed out from the pain of the bullet wound. When I came to I found out my now EX-girlfriend also dipped my face in acid, after which she tattooed my face with a hot iron. Man, when that woman puts her mind to sometime she goes the whole hog and then some! Now I remembered why I went out with her. To cut a long story short, I've got good news and bad news.
Good news: I am now single and all urs if u still want me......also got a starring part in Nollywood's version of The Phantom Of The Opera. Hey, I don't need makeup for the role.
Bad news: The EX is now in the UK searching for u. Good luck.

mena said...

Good News...I have joined a hippy commune and changed my name to "Good karma flower power chick", so your psycho ex-girlfriend will never find me now. Ha ha!

Bad news...You know when I said I wasn't bothered by horrific facial disfigurement? Well, that wasn't quite true. I'm sure you've got a great personality and all but I am rather shallow and will only go out with hot guys that look like Tyrese. Don't be too upset that you will never know the love of Mena (and what good lovin it is too). I'm sure your impending stardom will come with it's fair share of groupies, so all is not lost. Enjoy!!!!