Why are you here? Its the weekend.

It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday!

No you are not mistaken. I do intend to spend my entire blog time praising good ol Friday. Don’t bother sending in any complaints. I said I would write everyday but didn’t actually specify what I would be writing about or that anything I wrote would be enjoyable or make sense. So save your complaints for when you all decide to start paying me for my life story. The only reason I haven’t sold my story to the Sun to turn into a Sunday column is because I am trying to spare my parents the shame of having an unstable child, should some snooping journalist ever discover my identity.

So people, enjoy these freebies whilst you can still get them. The moment I get married and change my last name (shaming my husbands family name ain’t so bad), no more freebies for you lot. You will have to pay £29.99 for the hardback edition of my Autobiography (won’t bother doing a paperback version, so all you stingo family members better cough up). I will be quite happy to sign all copies bought by my former blog readers for an additional fee of £49.99 including Postage and packing. I know some of you might think that is a bit steep (cheapskates) but think how much these signed copies will be worth when I win the Booker prize.

Ok! Tired of talking to you all now. I’m off to put on my dancing shoes and hit the town cause It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday!

Look stop complaining you lot. Your mates are out painting the town red and you saddos are sitting at home reading some hot babes blog. Go out! Get a life! Do something. Now that I’ve imparted my daily word of wisdom. I’m off to enjoy the fact that Its Friday! Its Friday! Its Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday!

Oh! do you guys like the new look? Got bored with all the black seeing as its now practically summer. OK! I mean it now...all of you go and have a great weekend and I'll see you guys on Monday.

Money for hand...........

Operation Cave girl is now in full swing. Got a whole hours extra sleep today seeing as I didn't have to do mundane things like brush my teeth, hair or put on make up. So I feel really alert and bubbly. Even got a whole row of seats to myself on the tube. It was actually kinda packed but I guess everyone was feeling perky like me and didn't feel the need to sit down. Even work has been really relaxing. People seem to be reluctant to come over to give me work to do, but you don't hear me complaining. I will keep you all updated on my quest for natural beauty.

I was having a conversation with my girls today. Just putting the finishing touches to a girly night we’ve got planned when the Ijebu sisters (Ijebu Chick and SE Chick) tried to wriggle out of paying for their tickets. This is usually my territory. I try to use the single and depressed routine to get out of paying for stuff as often as possible. Shed a few tears, emphasise the fact that they are all loved up and just watch those wallets come flying out. I think its only logical that since all the others have live entertainment at home, I should be able to spend my meagre salary on buying myself as much entertainment as I can get. It worked all right for a while, but I think they’ve all figured out that I’ve probably bought myself enough entertainment to last a lifetime. So now when I start sobbing they just hand over some tissues and a banana.

Anyway, rather than drop kick and beat the ijebu sisters into submission… I suggested they convince their hubbies to pay for their tickets by being a tad creative in the bedroom department. Ijebu chick protested as always, but we all know she will spend the next couple of hours (when she is meant to be working) looking for an on line Karma Sutra manual. And when she gets home the cardboard box where she keeps the good underwear will come down from the top of the cupboard, pepper soup (Her “ Tonight’s the night “ weapon of choice) will be made and the rest as they say is “History”.

SE Chick, having only just rediscovered the joys of men, couldn’t even be bothered to pretend. She immediately stopped responding to e-mails and I have a funny feeling she is now on a bus heading back home to earn her money.

But it got me thinking …maybe that old adage is true. Maybe we are all ladies everywhere else and whores in the bedroom. Cause ladies lets be honest we all use the old ooohhhing and ahhhhing to get what we want sometimes or should I say all the time. You know how it is:

We have make up sex when we piss them off or even when they piss us off but we can’t be bothered to cope with their sulking for the next 3 weeks.

We have I saw the most gorgeous top yesterday but I’m broke sex.

We have there’s no way in hell you are going to a party with that womanising friend of yours sex. You know the kind of sex that has him so knackered he can’t remember his name let alone how to put on his trousers on to leave the house.

If theres a problem, we’ve got a position for it. But the question is, is it really fair? No offence brothers but we all know your brains are down there, so are we taking undue advantage by manipulating you with our feminine wiles? Cause as a woman, you piss me off its going to take a whole lot more than nibbling my ear to make things up. I’m talking constant grovelling and a Tiffany box. After and only after I have the little blue box in my hand, will stroking and ear nibbling be considered a decent form of apology.

Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t be letting our little secret out to the boys. Don’t want to spoil things for you Ijebu girls tonight. I know you girls won’t let us down so the drinks are on you two.

Slave to the MAC.

It’s going to be one of those days people. The kind of day that just drrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaggggs on and on. I know this because when my “Baby let me love you” by Mario alarm tone went off this morning (you all thought it would be something by Tyrese didn’t you? Huh! See you all don’t know me. You think you do, but I am an unfathomable enigma that you can never truly know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), I simply turned it off, rolled back under the covers and continued snoring (Yes! I snore. You got a problem with that? Its actually more like a soothing background noise that my future hubby will love, so there!) That's a bad sign.

The usual routine is to jump out of bed, examine the roundness of my tummy, have a shower, throw out the contents of my wardrobe in a bid to find something decent to wear, rush out of the house, put on my make up as I walk to the bus stop and eventually crawl into work a nervous wreck because some old age pensioner took almost half an hour to get across a Zebra crossing, almost making me late.

Today I crawled out of bed, ignored my tummy (had cake yesterday and didn’t really think I could face the damage), put something on, not sure what but hey I ain’t naked. Forgot to put on any make up and scared the bus driver half to death. Eventually made it into work, where everyone asked me if I was sick. NO! I just forgot to put any make up on! Gosh! You would think I wasn’t naturally beautiful the way they were all going on.

Why must I always be made up like a China doll to get some lurve? I think I should be able to prance around foundation free and still be admired and wanted cause the truth is...thats the real me. Thats the me Tyrese is going to get 1st thing in the morning and last thing at night(Don't be scared baby. Its really not that bad). As an act of defiance I will not be putting on ANY make up for the rest of the week so there.

On behalf of naturally beautiful women everywhere, I will be as nature intended, free of all artificial preservatives. Naked as the day I was born. Well not literally naked, not sure the world is ready for that yet. From now on anything that doesn’t naturally occur on my body will not be tolerated. From now on the following beauty rituals shall cease:

1) I will no longer be shaving various parts of my anatomy. If the Lord wanted me to be as smooth as a banana all over, he would have made me shed like a cat every 4 weeks. Since that ain’t happening, you should all embrace my new hairy cave woman self. I’m hoping after a few months my body hairs will be all silky and smooth and I can spend many hours sitting in the sun grooming myself whilst my equally hairy man rubs pink oil into me. Ahhhhh bliss!

2) I will no longer be polluting my pores with deodorant. From now it will be Mena’s natural musk all the way. It makes sense that my natural sweet smells will be better than anything that comes out of pressurised can. So it might take you all a while to get used to it, but soon you will see the error of your ways and come round to my way of thinking.

3) No need to cut my finger or toe nails anymore. Quite looking forward to developing bird like talons to eat with. Saves with all the embarrassment at fancy restaurants when you can't figure out what piece of cutlery to use.

4) Lastly, I think brushing your teeth is highly overrated. You're only going to get them messy gain when you eat, so why bother? The cave men did just fine cause when ever the dig one of those suckers up they’ve still got their teeth.

I know some of you are going to get all prim and proper on me and start going on about hygiene this and hygiene that. Well I say hygiene smygiene. I'm doing this to liberate you narrow minded people from your addiction to slap. So instead of crossing over to other side of the street when you see me coming...Give a sister a hug. Doesn’t matter if I smell like a sewer and my newly grown body hair is itchy. Just remember that I'm doing this for you.

This is obviously not a feat to be attempted by you average looking people, namely Hurry up and Propose Chick, Bunny go go licious, Ijebu Chick and SE Chick. You all know that without your daily application of Mac foundation, lipstick, eyeliner etc it really wouldn’t be safe for you guys to leave the house. You have to think of the safety of the general public. Cars crashing into each other at the mere sight of your pasty, unattractive faces really won’t do. So even though I want you to champion the cause of natural beauty with me, I ‘m quite happy to do it on my own. But if you all feel the need to join in, you can contribute by not shaving the usual regions of your anatomy. Will be round at the end of the week to check hair growth.

As for you guys who turned up to hear my lecture on why not to dry your under wired bra in the microwave...2 simple words "Electrocution stupid."

I'm back!

Goodness gracious me! It been almost 2 months and you guys haven’t heard a Dickey bird from me (What is a Dickey bird by the way? Answers on a back of a postcard to “Do I really give a monkeys”?). Once again the lack of public concern as to my whereabouts has me puzzled. I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES YOUR DAYS WORTH WHILE! And yet no rewards regarding info about moi. No police enquiries etc. Don’t you all love me no more??? A girl like moi needs constant adoration and luuuuurrrrrrve and if you my adoring public ain’t giving me none, I think I might just take my life saga elsewhere. Monkeys are capable of learning how to read you know, so don’t you all be feeling like you’re irreplaceable. Slackers! Anyway, weather you are interested or not, I have returned to bore you all to death with my constant moaning and self-appreciation. So get used to it cause MENA IS BACK!

So much has changed since I last bonded with you all…

I left my old crappy job with its crappy pay and lack of appreciation for my unique sense of humour and multi tasking skills. I now have a new lovely job where I get to interact with like-minded individuals on important topics such as the best bars to get totally sozzled on a Friday night. Who you would want to survive a nuclear disaster with to repopulate the earth?

My personal preference being Tyrese. Considering he survived the career disasters that were 2Fast2Furious 1&2. That boy can survive anything. Aaaah the very thought, me and Tyrese alone, with nothing to do but get busy all day. Seeing as I would be doing it for a good cause, I can molest him as often I as want. Joy o Joy! I have attached a piccie for your or should I say my viewing pleasure. Just a little something to make the day go faster.

Still living in my ghetto flat, tormented by my uncultured family members, speaking of which…the unspeakable has happened. You lot will never believe it when I tell you
SE Chick aka dodo lover is ENGAGED. I know! I know! All thanks to my Mena Magu Seduction and me. Available directly from me at the bargain retail price of £159.99 excluding VAT. Some of you people might think that’s a lot but can you really put a price on happiness? There was SE chick living alone in her sad little world, with nothing but fruit and her constant stalking of me to make her happy. A few squirts of my love potion and kazam! She’s got a blokey, a ring and is slowly driving everyone insane with her wedding plans. Isn’t that sweet. So don’t delay people buy now whilst stocks are still available. And for all you sceptics out there thinking if it’s so great how come I ain’t using it. The answer is simple…It only works on ugly people with no sex appeal. I’m sure you all realise I have both in abundance, so there. No offence SE Chick but a girls got to make money.

I’m still round in sexy, hot kinda way but all my annoying family members seem to be getting hitched this year. I’m on the train at 2 of these weddings. In order to save myself the embarrassment of the photographer using an extra wide lense to take my picture, I have decided to join the gym. This way I am guaranteed to be a hit with all the single groomsmen. Note annoying family! I will not agree to be on anybody’s train until I have had a chance to review the best man and ushers at your respective weddings. Please forward pictures and shoe sizes to me and I will make the final decision. Its bad enough I have to wear some horrific coloured creation to make you brides happy but I refuse to spend the whole day paired off with some buck teeth loser with a paunch and loose grasp of the English language. I don’t care if he saved your ass, your grandma and your dog from a burning building when you were 5. That is no reason to make him your best man. This is about me and what will get me down the aisle as quickly as possible. If you all love me, you will only use cute guys with big feet on your train. Thank you!

Speaking of big feet, you will never guess who turned out to have big feet… Crap Dude (formerly known as Hot Dude). He is a size 12 apparently. Information that would have come in useful when he was acting like a mental patient. Size 12 feet I can forgive anything. Had you used your initiative SE Chick and told me this vital piece of information sooner, me could be married by now or at least have been veeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy happy for 10 minutes on a cold lonely night. Thanks a lot so called friend.

Ladies why does it always happen that way? Its always the crappy, annoying God forbid I should ever date you guys that have BIG FEET! If you all don’t know the relation between big feet and happiness, you all need to change your circles of friends or trying sneaking into a male locker room. Big feet mean he never has to say he’s sorry. He can show me instead in a whole variety of ways all day long. Yes I KNOW! I’m sick and perverted but try going without for… Shame won’t let me tell you how long but lets just say the Naira was still a viable currency the last time a man saw my knickers.

As you might all have guessed the one thing that hasn’t changed is my single status, but to be honest I ain’t as cut up about it as I used to be. A sense of calm has descended over me and I’m actually happy. No! not just saying that, actually cool at the moment. Might not be in a week but so far so good. I guess I’ve realised that there’s more to life than having someone leave his filthy boxers around your flat. I have a hard enough time picking up my own underwear without worrying about someone else’s. Today Mena is pretty OK! Its alright people...Mena will never go away again!!! Tomorrow we shall discuss the reasons why you should never dry your under wired bra in the microwave.