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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'm back!

Goodness gracious me! It been almost 2 months and you guys haven’t heard a Dickey bird from me (What is a Dickey bird by the way? Answers on a back of a postcard to “Do I really give a monkeys”?). Once again the lack of public concern as to my whereabouts has me puzzled. I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES YOUR DAYS WORTH WHILE! And yet no rewards regarding info about moi. No police enquiries etc. Don’t you all love me no more??? A girl like moi needs constant adoration and luuuuurrrrrrve and if you my adoring public ain’t giving me none, I think I might just take my life saga elsewhere. Monkeys are capable of learning how to read you know, so don’t you all be feeling like you’re irreplaceable. Slackers! Anyway, weather you are interested or not, I have returned to bore you all to death with my constant moaning and self-appreciation. So get used to it cause MENA IS BACK!

So much has changed since I last bonded with you all…

I left my old crappy job with its crappy pay and lack of appreciation for my unique sense of humour and multi tasking skills. I now have a new lovely job where I get to interact with like-minded individuals on important topics such as the best bars to get totally sozzled on a Friday night. Who you would want to survive a nuclear disaster with to repopulate the earth?

My personal preference being Tyrese. Considering he survived the career disasters that were 2Fast2Furious 1&2. That boy can survive anything. Aaaah the very thought, me and Tyrese alone, with nothing to do but get busy all day. Seeing as I would be doing it for a good cause, I can molest him as often I as want. Joy o Joy! I have attached a piccie for your or should I say my viewing pleasure. Just a little something to make the day go faster.

Still living in my ghetto flat, tormented by my uncultured family members, speaking of which…the unspeakable has happened. You lot will never believe it when I tell you
SE Chick aka dodo lover is ENGAGED. I know! I know! All thanks to my Mena Magu Seduction and me. Available directly from me at the bargain retail price of £159.99 excluding VAT. Some of you people might think that’s a lot but can you really put a price on happiness? There was SE chick living alone in her sad little world, with nothing but fruit and her constant stalking of me to make her happy. A few squirts of my love potion and kazam! She’s got a blokey, a ring and is slowly driving everyone insane with her wedding plans. Isn’t that sweet. So don’t delay people buy now whilst stocks are still available. And for all you sceptics out there thinking if it’s so great how come I ain’t using it. The answer is simple…It only works on ugly people with no sex appeal. I’m sure you all realise I have both in abundance, so there. No offence SE Chick but a girls got to make money.

I’m still round in sexy, hot kinda way but all my annoying family members seem to be getting hitched this year. I’m on the train at 2 of these weddings. In order to save myself the embarrassment of the photographer using an extra wide lense to take my picture, I have decided to join the gym. This way I am guaranteed to be a hit with all the single groomsmen. Note annoying family! I will not agree to be on anybody’s train until I have had a chance to review the best man and ushers at your respective weddings. Please forward pictures and shoe sizes to me and I will make the final decision. Its bad enough I have to wear some horrific coloured creation to make you brides happy but I refuse to spend the whole day paired off with some buck teeth loser with a paunch and loose grasp of the English language. I don’t care if he saved your ass, your grandma and your dog from a burning building when you were 5. That is no reason to make him your best man. This is about me and what will get me down the aisle as quickly as possible. If you all love me, you will only use cute guys with big feet on your train. Thank you!

Speaking of big feet, you will never guess who turned out to have big feet… Crap Dude (formerly known as Hot Dude). He is a size 12 apparently. Information that would have come in useful when he was acting like a mental patient. Size 12 feet I can forgive anything. Had you used your initiative SE Chick and told me this vital piece of information sooner, me could be married by now or at least have been veeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy happy for 10 minutes on a cold lonely night. Thanks a lot so called friend.

Ladies why does it always happen that way? Its always the crappy, annoying God forbid I should ever date you guys that have BIG FEET! If you all don’t know the relation between big feet and happiness, you all need to change your circles of friends or trying sneaking into a male locker room. Big feet mean he never has to say he’s sorry. He can show me instead in a whole variety of ways all day long. Yes I KNOW! I’m sick and perverted but try going without for… Shame won’t let me tell you how long but lets just say the Naira was still a viable currency the last time a man saw my knickers.

As you might all have guessed the one thing that hasn’t changed is my single status, but to be honest I ain’t as cut up about it as I used to be. A sense of calm has descended over me and I’m actually happy. No! not just saying that, actually cool at the moment. Might not be in a week but so far so good. I guess I’ve realised that there’s more to life than having someone leave his filthy boxers around your flat. I have a hard enough time picking up my own underwear without worrying about someone else’s. Today Mena is pretty OK! Its alright people...Mena will never go away again!!! Tomorrow we shall discuss the reasons why you should never dry your under wired bra in the microwave.


Straddler said...

Welcome back! You know you really can't get your readers all worked up and then abandon them for 2 months!! Unacceptable I tell you. Well....well I'm liking this new approach......loving yourself and not getting so cut up about lack of Mr.Right-Soon-To-Be-Wrong - it's defintely a positive. Once again welcome back

Olawunmi said...

welcome back o, just when i was about to edit my "favourites" list!

mena said...

Thanks guys! I'll be good this time and try to stay on top of things.

Olawunmi!!!!! How could you even think of deleting me???? I might wander off, but Mena always comes back.