It’s going to be one of those days people. The kind of day that just drrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaggggs on and on. I know this because when my “Baby let me love you” by Mario alarm tone went off this morning (you all thought it would be something by Tyrese didn’t you? Huh! See you all don’t know me. You think you do, but I am an unfathomable enigma that you can never truly know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), I simply turned it off, rolled back under the covers and continued snoring (Yes! I snore. You got a problem with that? Its actually more like a soothing background noise that my future hubby will love, so there!) That's a bad sign.
The usual routine is to jump out of bed, examine the roundness of my tummy, have a shower, throw out the contents of my wardrobe in a bid to find something decent to wear, rush out of the house, put on my make up as I walk to the bus stop and eventually crawl into work a nervous wreck because some old age pensioner took almost half an hour to get across a Zebra crossing, almost making me late.
Today I crawled out of bed, ignored my tummy (had cake yesterday and didn’t really think I could face the damage), put something on, not sure what but hey I ain’t naked. Forgot to put on any make up and scared the bus driver half to death. Eventually made it into work, where everyone asked me if I was sick. NO! I just forgot to put any make up on! Gosh! You would think I wasn’t naturally beautiful the way they were all going on.
Why must I always be made up like a China doll to get some lurve? I think I should be able to prance around foundation free and still be admired and wanted cause the truth is...thats the real me. Thats the me Tyrese is going to get 1st thing in the morning and last thing at night(Don't be scared baby. Its really not that bad). As an act of defiance I will not be putting on ANY make up for the rest of the week so there.
On behalf of naturally beautiful women everywhere, I will be as nature intended, free of all artificial preservatives. Naked as the day I was born. Well not literally naked, not sure the world is ready for that yet. From now on anything that doesn’t naturally occur on my body will not be tolerated. From now on the following beauty rituals shall cease:
1) I will no longer be shaving various parts of my anatomy. If the Lord wanted me to be as smooth as a banana all over, he would have made me shed like a cat every 4 weeks. Since that ain’t happening, you should all embrace my new hairy cave woman self. I’m hoping after a few months my body hairs will be all silky and smooth and I can spend many hours sitting in the sun grooming myself whilst my equally hairy man rubs pink oil into me. Ahhhhh bliss!
2) I will no longer be polluting my pores with deodorant. From now it will be Mena’s natural musk all the way. It makes sense that my natural sweet smells will be better than anything that comes out of pressurised can. So it might take you all a while to get used to it, but soon you will see the error of your ways and come round to my way of thinking.
3) No need to cut my finger or toe nails anymore. Quite looking forward to developing bird like talons to eat with. Saves with all the embarrassment at fancy restaurants when you can't figure out what piece of cutlery to use.
4) Lastly, I think brushing your teeth is highly overrated. You're only going to get them messy gain when you eat, so why bother? The cave men did just fine cause when ever the dig one of those suckers up they’ve still got their teeth.
I know some of you are going to get all prim and proper on me and start going on about hygiene this and hygiene that. Well I say hygiene smygiene. I'm doing this to liberate you narrow minded people from your addiction to slap. So instead of crossing over to other side of the street when you see me coming...Give a sister a hug. Doesn’t matter if I smell like a sewer and my newly grown body hair is itchy. Just remember that I'm doing this for you.
This is obviously not a feat to be attempted by you average looking people, namely Hurry up and Propose Chick, Bunny go go licious, Ijebu Chick and SE Chick. You all know that without your daily application of Mac foundation, lipstick, eyeliner etc it really wouldn’t be safe for you guys to leave the house. You have to think of the safety of the general public. Cars crashing into each other at the mere sight of your pasty, unattractive faces really won’t do. So even though I want you to champion the cause of natural beauty with me, I ‘m quite happy to do it on my own. But if you all feel the need to join in, you can contribute by not shaving the usual regions of your anatomy. Will be round at the end of the week to check hair growth.
As for you guys who turned up to hear my lecture on why not to dry your under wired bra in the microwave...2 simple words "Electrocution stupid."