I don’t really want to be blogging right now. I actually have work to do and I’m feeling dopey. But seeing as you are all ingrates, some of you have already started getting on my case about how I’m not committed to my blog etc Look people! The only thing I want to be committed to is Tyrese or any other man who isn’t a midget (I have nothing against short blokes but I’m short myself and I would like to give my kids some kind of chance in life), insane or living in the basement of his Mama’s house. So excuse me if I’m not blogging every minute that God sends but I am actually in the middle of living my life.
The only reason I’m here today is because my sis “Hurry up and propose chick” has deserted moi. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! BooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Sob! She has deserted me and headed back to Niger to be with a man…yuck! Useless man wrapper sister. You would think blood would be thicker than water but naturally things are bound to be different where I’m involved. Anyway I’m used to being treated atrociously by my numerous family members so I’ll just chalk it up with her other misdemeanours. All these sins against moi will be reflected in my wedding pressie to them of a goat.
Actually think I’m being overly considerate, after all a goat is an extremely useful 3 in 1 gift. It’s an automatic lawnmower, security system (goats can be extremely vicious. We had one as a child and I remember many a Saturday afternoon spent having my bottom moulded back into shape after the stupid thing caught me on its patch. Probably explains the current flatness of afore mentioned butt) and a holiday food source. Yep! Nothing like watching a butt-kicking goat getting roasted to make a sore butt feel better. Will definitely be getting them one…They both need a good butt kicking.
Anyway I am now dopey, as I have no one to boss around and feel superior to anymore. What is a girl to do?? Maybe I shouldn’t see this as a bad thing after all she wasn’t what you would call a perfect younger sister. She was rude, disrespectful, opinionated, bossy, a stealer of my accessories and a supplier of embarrassing stories about me to potential hubbies. She also didn’t appreciate Tyrese. Hmmmm…maybe my life is actually going to get better now that her desperate behind is safely in Niger. She’s about to start NYSC so if I’m reeeeeeaaaaallly lucky she will be sent to some village in the boondocks where ass-kicking goats roam freely. Only the local palm wine seller Romeo will speak English. So she will be forced to endure hours of “Baby I dig you well well! Make we sit under the palm tree and talk about our union of love” just so she doesn’t go crazy with boredom. She will be forced ride her tricycle (yes I meant the little three wheeled bike. On her Youth corp. salary she can’t afford an adult sized bike) to the nearest town to send me telegrams begging me to send her essentials like Mac foundation, floss and tic tacs. Ah if only dreams came true.
Whilst she is busy fending of the palmy seller I will be holding auditions for a new and improved younger sister. One with the following attributes:
1) Extremely flat ass. I just think its plain rude to have a bigger ass than your older sister.
2) No fashion sense, as I am tired of having all my nice stuff stolen.
3) Has no qualms about coming over to my flat at unsociable hours to cook, clean and baby-sit.
I personally don’t think that’s a lot to ask for but you these small girls of now days all have attitude problems. All applicants please send a list of your best dishes and a picture of your rear end.
But to be honest...I'm going to miss my little sis like crazy and I hope Niger is all she hopes it will be and more.