Wow 5 whole days without moi. You all must be gibbering wrecks by now. Waiting with eager anticipation for what Mena did next. Well its alright I’m back and your lives need not be empty and dull anymore. Lets see what have I been up too? Well on Thursday I was sick....Sick of waking up at 6.30am every morning , fighting my way through women, children and pensioners just so I can stand all the way to work in a mechanical tin can called the metropolitan line. All this made all the more painful by the fact that London underground are charging me to get my new, this seasons pirate boots stepped on. Anyway I digress.....I was sick of being a dedicated employee (sending over 100 e-mails a day to friends and family is not a lack of dedication…its multi tasking), so I took a well deserved day off. But if you ever run into my boss I was SICK!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY SICK! I spent the day preparing for someone else’s wedding...again! WHEN IS MY WEDDING GOING TO BE? !!!!!!!!!!! Sob! I’m sorry I need a moment to compose myself.
The wedding was lovely though...sob! They both looked so happy..sob! I looked hot...HOORAY! and everyone else looked OK I guess. I looked hot or have I said that already? It doesn’t matter I’m sure you all never tire of hearing about my hotness. Anyway I made a mega effort to look nice in the hope of catching a cute usher, priest or wedding guests eye but I should just have come in my wonder woman pyjamas and saved myself the mini fortune spent on clothes. There wasn’t a cutie in sight. I think whoever is getting married next amongst my group of friends should have a picture of me on their invitations with a little caption saying "Single and will be attending the wedding". I think this will generate a greater response for your event. We will all benefit!!!! Fewer rsvp’s and more gifts for you the couple. And some of you guys know you don’t really have any friends other than myself, so the increased attendance will help create the illusion of popularity. This will be especially useful to you SE chick aka Elephant and castle Mama aka Dodo lover and you Ijebu Chick. Its nothing to be ashamed of lots of people are unpopular and don’t have friends. You mustn’t blame yourselves...blame society for not accepting you because of your non English speaking skills, not so hot looks(ugly..real ugly but lets not be rude) and raso(uncultured… for you guys not in the know)behaviour. By following my plan we are all in a win win situation. Ok! Good girls...contact me for a picture showing my good side.
Sunday was BLIND DATE DAY!!!!! I know!....Why would a girl like me have to go on a blind date??? ITS BECAUSE ALL YOU GUYS ARE SLOW SLACKERS! But I won't hold it against you when you feel the need to propose. I know I’m really cute, probably way too good for you and may sometimes look a little serious when you all see me on the tube or running elegantly for my bus. That’s because I’m thinking deep, world changing , intellectual thoughts. Like, will they forever be lost on "LOST" or are the Mitchell brothers in Eastenders growing their hair on their brains instead of their scalps as that would explain their stupidity to some extent. I’m just me....I don’t bite so come over and say hi. Slip a girl your number and lets see what happens. But before you all go crazy lets just lay a few ground rules. All number slipping guys must be in possession of the following:
1) A really nice set of teeth. Don’t smile at me if you don’t have a relationship with Aquafresh , floss or a dentist. If your teeth match the inside of your coffee cup then don’t even look in my direction let alone try and communicate through the medium of smiling.
2) "No romance without finance. You got to have J.O.B if you want to be with me." Gwen Guthrie was sooo wise! Sorry I may be shallow but I can only pay for your cinema ticket so often before I start revoking your other privileges. So for the sake populating the world with little ME’s the job centre is that way.
3) Look cute please.....no Michael Jackson style trousers ending at your knees, white socks, unmatching clothes and No!! tracky bottoms do not go with everything.
4) Try and accept the fact that in an ideal world where we all get what we deserve, I would be waaaaayyyyyy to hot for you and so act accordingly. No yo babe! What’s up sweetness! or Whoa have you got a pair! All statements not conducive to me accepting your number.
So now that we are clear on a few things feel free to come over, as you can see, I am really nice.
Anyway back to my blind date. You know what its like when all your friends are part of a couple(yuck!) and you’re the only leper still single. They suddenly go into some mad frenzy trying to set you up with someone. All taste goes out the window and suddenly women who once considered Denzel Washington to be a love god think its ok for you to go out with Snoop dogs non famous twin brother who lives in a cupboard in Peckham station. "Its alright" they say. You can fatten him up and that cupboard in Peckham station could be a property goldmine some day. Basically, as long as the guy has a pulse and all his equipment is in working order, he's eligible. You see they don’t want to feel guilty whenever you call them sounding all forlorn and ask if you can come over to play scrabble. They don’t want to play scrabble with you. They want to play it with their man and spell dirty words. So in other to avoid the constant guilt trip at you being alone, whilst they are getting all the good stuff, they need to hook you up and FAST. Which is why I was a tad suspicious when SE Chick said she knew a guy I might like. Had I pestered her once too often about my ever expanding tummy size ? Called whilst she was doing everything but with her other half?? Why was she trying to pawn me off to the first available guy she came across? I made up my mind I wasn’t going to be shoved off to some guy just to make everyone else happy. I wasn’t some charity case. I was going to stand my ground and refuse to go. I went(only to keep her happy)....he was cute, I guess. He was kinda of funny, I guess and maybe he was nice but I’m sooooooo not interested. I’ll just speak to him a couple of times and maybe go on a few dates so as not to hurt his feelings but I am definitely not feeling the cuteness, hotness,niceness etc I can find my own man THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the smugness if SE chick was the one that found THE ONE?! Lord! It doesn’t even bear thinking about.