A guy I’ve been talking to for a little while sent me something today with the heading
“Read and Learn”. It’s apparently an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60’s in the UK & written by a woman!
“When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed.
Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him.
If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately afterwards, then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a mans satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nighttime face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable to have his morning cup of tea ready when he wakes.
Well naturally! After I finished rolling around under my desk with laughter and disbelief. I started thinking…this guy was kidding right? He wasn’t trying to send me subtle subliminal messages about what he would be expecting in the near future was he? He’d seemed all right so far …you know; He calls, he’s sweet, never forgets his wallet at home and knows where to put his lips for those all important goodnight kisses but this e-mail might be a sign. My mother always says watch what a guy finds funny because it tells you how their mind works. According to that train of thought, I’m spending a lot of time with a guy who expects me to sleep in full MAC foundation, no head scarf (like he’s going give me back my money when my afro kinky starts looking like a hedge) and not complain when he introduces a variety of garden vegetables into our after hours activities. Hmmm.. Maybe I was tad hasty in buying that copy Bride magazine then. But really fellas you all aren’t still thinking like that are you?
It’s not fair! How come everything is always down to us …the fairer and more intelligent of the species? I’m referring to us women just in case any of you male readers were deluding yourselves. I know we messed up at the beginning of time with the whole apple-eating incident but it’s about time you guys took some share of the blame. After all its not like we mashed up the apple and called it Pate. You all knew what you were doing but it seems we women are meant to keep sucking up to you guys forever.
"What’s she going on about now?” says the unattractive guy with no girlfriend in the corner. What I’m going on about now is we do everything for you guys. We have to carry you around for 9 months. Endure untold pain to shove your ungrateful behinds into the world. Nurse and look after you till we are legally able to kick you out of our home. Any of us who aren’t related to you have to cope with dating you, sleeping with you, making you feel like a man (even though some of you really deserve a nappy and a rattle) and when you’ve finally worn us out we agree to marry you and start the cycle all over again by having your kids.
“Well if you feel that way you can always start batting for the other side”. Believe me…if I could I would. I would embrace girly love, artificial insemination for when my biological clock starts ticking and a lifetime partnership with someone who knows the difference between foreplay and sticking their tongue in my ear for 2 minutes. Yep! I don’t think I would be missing much…after all where’s the fun in dating someone who is programmed to think that most of the work needed to keep a relationship going is down to me.
“That’s not fair” some of you say. But lets look at it this way... if any of you guys have done the following please send me an e-mail immediately so I can put you in the Blokey Hall of Fame
1) Bought kinky underwear to get your woman all excited?
2) Made lunch when all her girlfriends popped round to visit to watch the Final of American next top model (our equivalent of match of the day)?
3) Cut your hair like Tyrese, Denzel or JJ from Good times when your girl said she thought they were hot?
4) Gone an imaginary food diet when she pointed out that your beer belly was getting a tad big?
5) Agreed to get out of bed at midnight to pound yam for your in-law who turned up unexpectedly?
That’s just a few from the endless things we women do to keep you guys happy and the relationship on an even keel. So if any of you are expecting the 60’s to make a come back in the form of total submissiveness…please send me £3 zillion pounds for the time machine which is currently under construction my shed. Jokers!