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Monday, October 23, 2006

Breaking up ain't that hard to do.

I know I know…I just haven’t been feeling inspired lately. For some odd reason there is actually nothing going on in my life. OK I lie …there is but I just ain’t ready to share. Actually that’s another lie…I do want to share but I’m learning the art of self-control. No more divulging intimate secrets of my love life to members of the general public. This why I am still single. You guys misrepresent everything I say and then I sound like a pyscho. So we’ll just have to talk about something else. Lets see…politics? Nah! You guys just aren’t clued up in that direction are you. The current trend for 80’s fashion in the year 2006? Oh no I’ve got a good one…convenience products or services in the 21st century.

Ok! I’m all up for modern day living and making life as convenient as possible. I have my moments when, if I could find someone and pay him or her to carry me on his or her back to the bus stop just to shave 3 minutes off my journey time I would. I’ve been tempted to buy crust less bread from the supermarket just so I don’t have to do it myself and believe me should they ever event the self brushing toothbrush I’ll be first on the queue. But there are certain pleasures in life that one shouldn’t relinquish to someone else to do for a fee. Amongst the top 3 are eating, sex and breaking up with annoying cretins.But a company in Belgium obviously doesn’t think so. They have just started the worlds first ever break up agency. For a fee, they will call up your unsuspecting bloke/girlfriend and tell them that you will no longer be requiring their services. Where, I ask you is the fun in that?

Breaking up with someone is hard but gosh it’s the price you pay for agreeing to go out with a self-certified lunatic in the first place. You sure as hell didn’t ask anyone to go on the first date for you, have your first snog, sleep with him/her or wear the sexy nurses uniform you used to spice up the cold winter nights (yes bunny…there are many costumes out there…our brother cannot live by furry love alone) So why should you get off easy when everything turns sour?

Digressing slightly, I have noticed a gap in the market for kinky costumes for women who want to tantalise their hot-blooded Niger men. So I have decided to set up my own agency “Local”. Yes peeps! I am setting up my own business... oh won't Mama and Papa be proud. I shall be supplying costume's to tantalise the African man’s vivid fantasy. I see my top three sellers being:

The Market Seller – An outfit consisting of a wrapper, un matching blouse, scarf, slippers and metal tray. Oranges, Guguru and epa or ice water can be supplied at an extra cost.

The House Girl - Also comes with a wrapper, oversized t-shirt, shuku wig, slippers and broom. Stick on tribal marks can be provided at an extra cost.

Federal Government College Sweetheart - Check pinafore in a variety of primary colours, thick rubber soled Bata sandal, white knee socks and unflattering school beret. Oxford maths set and graph paper optional. For those extra kinky ones amongst you I can supply a pot bellied father to stroll in every time you are about to get some action for that truly authentic feeling.

Any interested parties should contact me privately for hire charges and delivery times. No bunny…No family discount.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Breaking up can be painless when handled in the right way. Here is my easy guide to Dumping and getting dumped without any drama. I ain’t even charging you guys so I would appreciate a little gratitude.

1) As the Dumper, please feel free to point out all nasty, filthy habits you have in order to make the Dumpee feel better. After all you’ve probably found yourself a hotter partner already, so no need to point out to the Dumpee that the reason they are getting dumped is that their little soldier is a very little soldier and their feet smell of cheese. You can laugh over this with your girlfriends later.

2)If the Dumpee insists that they can live with your little foibles then feel free to bring up the issue of marriage, children, a proper 9-5 job (No! singing in a band isn’t a job unless they have a record deal and are number one in the charts…and even this does not apply if said band is based in Niger) depending on which one the Dumpee is allergic to. This should have the Dumpee feeling cornered and they might be willing to discontinue the conversation in order to escape discussing the forbidden topic.

3)Should you be cohabiting with the intended Dumpee, then at least a week of poor personal hygiene, running up a huge phone bill talking to your mama about the latest lace, refusing sexual favours (not sure they’ll want any if you’re keeping up the lack of personal hygiene) and starting every sentence with “my ex used to…” should do the trick.

4)If all that fails then the usual not returning calls might send the message home.

5)Or you can just send them a text, e-mail, fax or postcard saying” Can’t you take a hint Einstein? You’re dumped!!”

6)Naturally the Dumpee will be hurt but they should not resort to burning the Dumpers car, flat or Italian shoe collection. You will only get arrested and become someone’s plaything in jail.

7)The Dumpee should maintain a dignified front when they see or speak to the Dumper about splitting their Boney M record collection or picking up their spare underwear from the love nest.

8)By all means, the Dumpee can spend all other times crying their eyes out and listening to “End of the road “ by Boyz to men.

9)The Dumpee should also take comfort in the fact that the heart breaking ordeal will help them lose weight and one day soon they will meet someone who appreciates a smaller soldier and the smell of cheese in the morning.

10)Try not to be too horrible either as a Dumpee or Dumper, as karma might just catch up with you in your next relationship.

Having been on both sides of the coin best piece of advice I can really give is don't give up. Yeah it hurts like hell now but believe me it does get better.


Vera said...

Mean, I tell you - by the time I have kids, I dunno what kinda convenience they would be in! Maybe by then, for a "small" fee, someone would have sex for you. Nah, I doubt it - I don't think people would let go of sex. But other stuff... like working, exercising, goin 2 skool... etc

Joel said...

What is little soldier?

Good advice!

I am a fan!

Calabar Gal said...

LOL at dumpee and dumper guides to painless breaking up. You know there's an internet site that does the dirty deed for u too. All you have to do is ring them up and they will dump the guy or babe for u. Guess modernity is improving radically. Will forward ur guide to my people. LOL

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