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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Help! There's a Mad Cow behind the wheel.

Crazy "Can’t find her way out of a paper bag" Malu!

It’s been an hour of driving round in circles and now we don’t even know where the hell we are. This not my idea of a relaxing evening. I thought I’d have replaced 80% of my fluid content with Vodka(I know…Vodka is not my friend,but can you lot really blame me if I turn to drink?) by now and I”d be hitting on the bartender. I ain't happy. I should have known the words trendy, bar and mainland didn’t work in a sentence. There I was all excited about getting out of the house after my mothers little episode this morning...

Turns out shes a bit of a sharp shooter after all. After sitting in the burning sun for hours, she finally went back  in the house and Lamidi and I breathed a sigh of relief. I jumped back into bed and prepared myself for sweet dreams about my new, might be conquest...The Alhaji(more about him later). Only to have Lamidi come knocking on my door 20 minutes later.

"Small madam, I beg come see ya mama."

Arrrgghhh!!!! Why does she hate me so much?

"What is it now Inspector Lamidi?"

"I no fit explain am. You need to come see for ya self."

Fine! I throw on my dressing gown and storm out of my bedroom. I'm about to give that woman a piece of my mind. I don't care if she never speaks to me again. I get outside and I see nothing. I turn to Lamidi with a puzzled look and he just points up at the tree.  I look up and I don't see anything.

"Inspector what are you looking at? Where's my mother?"

Once again I look up and just as I'm about to ask him what the hell is wrong with him, I see a slight movement in the leaves. Sure enough, now dressed in khaki overalls, from God knows where, is my mother with her face covered in charcoal, sitting precariously on tree branch with her gun aimed at the nest. I know I should say something to try and get her down from there but to be honest, I no longer care.

"Inspector please bring the car round so that in case she falls you can make a quick dash to the hospital. I'm going back to sleep. Only wake me if she falls and you see blood or something, otherwise, please leave me alone."

To cut a long story short, she was out there till about 6pm when Annoying Married Chick arrived with her friend to pick me up. It was only just as we were leaving, that the stupid bird came back and got its head blown off. My mother is now at home doing her victory dance and I am stuck in the car with Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum.

“Look why don’t you just stop the car and ask for directions, instead of driving around burning up petrol?”

“En stop the car ke. Can’t u see area boys all over the place?” Says her friend.

“No we can’t stop here o. And I’ve told you to move the middle lane. It’s dangerous to be on this lane with the traffic. Anyone can try to get into the car.”

Get into which car? What is this one talking about? See me see trouble. All this people that want to kill me before I get me some opposite sex action.

“What do you mean get into the car?”

“That’s what they do in these areas. If you drive next to the pavement and you get caught in traffic, area boys try and get in the car to rob you.”

Lord have mercy! I immediately start to remove my Swarovski crystal earrings, my Toy watch and my mama’s gold bracelet, which I borrowed without asking. I shove them into my bra and pray my mother’s logic actually works. I knew I should have stayed at home and let her slather my aching ribs in Robb like she wanted. Now I’m about to be robbed and violated on a filthy Lagos street because of my “No know road” sister.

Hmmm…that rhymes. I have been robbed of my Robb…hehehe.

For Gods sake brain! Focus! I’m about to be murdered and you’re playing rhyming games.

“Ok, please move to the middle lane like your friend said and call your husband to find out how we get out of here.”

“U craze!”

See! She’s not as posh as she makes out.

“Call which husband? Se the one that's been BBing me Barry White Lyrics all day? God forbid. I had to tell him I was going to choir practice on the Island so I could avoid lampashing duties tonight. So not going to happen. How am I supposed to explain my sudden appearance in the middle of no where?  I’d rather take my chances with the area boys than with Market Boy. Not to mention the fact that he will kill me if I scratch his car again. Both of you get a grip. We’ll be fine. No one is going to rob us and even if they tried, I’ll scream and they’ll run away.”

See? See why I don’t treat her like a normal human being? Does she think she is a banshee or why would her mere croaky screaming drive away hardened criminals? I’m seriously contemplating getting out of the car, giving the area boys my worldly possessions and a flash of boob in the hope that they will call me a red cab to take me away from all this.

“Okay can we at least get an Okada to take us back to the island?”

“How do we know he is not in league with armed robbers? 3 lost girls…he could take us to the middle of nowhere and rob us.” says the friend

Lord help me,  If someone doesn't make a decision on how we get out of here in the next 3 seconds, I'm going to kill my own sister and her friend. Just as I'm wondering which one I should take out first, there's a loud banging on the roof of the car and and scary looking face appears at the window.

Annoying Married Chick also now known as Banshee from Warri starts screaming (I must say she does have a pretty good set of lungs on her). Her friend starts reciting Psalm 98 at the top of her voice and I immediately duck for cover and try to squeeze my fat ass under one of the car seats with little success. Damn my womanly curves. Unable to hide under the seat, I consider the option of making a run for it but what about my sister and her friend?

Sod them both I say. Hell! I've known my sister forever. We share the same DNA and all but I sure as hell ain't dying for her let alone some random friend who I don't know from Adam. Every woman for herself. Just as I am about to make a move...Why the evil cow! The friend has already beat me to it and has  legged it out of the car. She  was now running down the street, weaving in and out of traffic like a Christmas turkey who managed to escape.  If I wasn't so pissed that she beat me to it, I'd be rather impressed with her ducking and diving running techniques to avoid any oncoming bullets.

Banshee Girl is still screaming. I clamber into the front seat, slam the door shut and lock it. I grab my sister by the shoulders, shake her and slap her a couple of times to get her to stop screaming and focus. Well, the first slap was to get her to focus. The 2 other hot slaps were for bringing me to this hellish part of town and for stealing my barbie hair slides when we were little(no one steals accessories from me and gets away it. I'll get you eventually).

"Stop screaming and drive the blinking car out of here woman. Drive, drive, drivvvvvvvvvvvveeeee!!!!"

Finally out of her scream induced vegetative state, Banshee girl becomes Get Away Driver girl and maneuvers her way into another lane,steps on the accelerator, weaving in and out traffic. Horns are blaring, other drivers are cursing but she doesn't care. She's gonna get her and her sister out of there alive. I don't know how she did it but somehow she made it out without even a scratch on the car and back into civilisation. My hero!

"Sis you were awesome. How they hell did you learn to drive like that?"

"Shut up. You think I don't know you were enjoyed slapping me?"

"Emi ke? No o. I did it to save our lives. Aren't you happy we are alive?"


"Hey! why are you stopping the car?"

"There's an empty red cab just there by the side of the road. If you run, you can catch it before it drives off. Either way I ain't heading back to the Island. All that fear and fast driving has got me in a lampashing mood and I'm going home to make Market Boy a very happy man. So you can either take the red cab or come home with me and sleep on the sofa but the walls are very thin so.... The choice is yours but I'd hurry if I were you cause the cab's starting to pull into traffic."

5 minutes later I'm sitting in the back of the red cab listening to the drivers best of Shina Peters CD compilation. I hate my life. Oh my God! Is that Annoying Married Chicks friend we just drove past running on Third mainland bridge? I guess I could go back and pick her up? What the hell...let her run. Serves her right for abandoning our  fine asses to the mercy of area boys.

Life might not be so bad after all.

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