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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mums, Minions & Machineguns

Ow! My aching head.

Vodka is not my friend. But I had to find some way of blocking out my Body Wowo trauma. To make matters worse, I was woken up by machine gun fire outside my bedroom window this morning. I did a drop and roll out of my bed(Thank you Shaft movies) and cowered behind the curtains. This is it. The fashion mafia had finally gotten wind of my awesome accessory collection and were here to rob me before shooting off my knee caps for being so trendy. Oh Lord why am I cursed with such good taste? My stylishness has become a hinderance leading to my demise. Boo hoo! I want to live. Let me live!

It seems to have stopped. Maybe they spotted my mothers atrocious curtains and figured they'd got the wrong house. Hmm..might just have time to hide my diamond earrings in my tampax box(another trick from mummy dearest. Apparently armed robbers don't do feminine products either) before my neighbours point them back in my direction. Still quiet. I'll just peep out the window and see what's going on. What the ...
Outside my window was my mother in her bed time bubu with a semiautomatic weapon.

“Mother what the hell are you doing?”

 She swings round, semi automatic pointing straight at me. She better not shoot my nose. That's the most exotic looking part of me.

“Mena are you crazy. How many times have I told you not to shout at me when I am carrying a semi automatic  machine gun?”

Er...Never you crazy old woman. What are you? Rambo's grandmother?

“Mummy what are you doing shooting a machine gun at 7am in the morning? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Inspector Lamidi why did you give her your gun?”

“She say she go send me to Makurdi like the 2 other MOPO's that go last week.”

Ah! Those 2. It took 2 Mopo's and a pair of gardening shears to get me out of that infernal Body Wowo contraption last week. Unfortunately for the MOPO’s, having seen all my worldly assets in the process of freeing me, they have now been redeployed to rural Markaurdi. My mother says it’s too dangerous to leave them here. That they might talk about seeing my womanly areas to mere commoners and she just couldn’t let that happen. Apparently, it would be over her dead body that the whole of Lagos would hear that a man other than my husband had seen me naked. If only the poor woman knew that was a battle long lost; But she had a mad “Bury the bodies in the boys quarters” look in her eye so I kept my mouth shut. Probably a good thing I did, considering the fact that she's now totally lost it.

“Mummy please, stop pointing the gun in my direction and tell me what you are doing.”

"Its that stupid bird up there that keeps chirping at ungodly hours and looking into my window. I don't think its a real bird. It looks like your father's sister.”

Oookkk. Aro here we come.

“Mum! Its a bird. It's nest just happens to be level with your window.”

"Stop talking to me like a 5 year old. I'm not your mate. I know a real bird when I see one. I'm your mother and you will show me respect and support me at all times.”

“So what are you saying Mummy? That you think the bird is Aunty Rafiatu?”

 “Don't be stupid. Am I crazy? Why would I think the bird was your Aunty... Hisss”

That's a relief. I have enough issues in my life without my mother going round claiming to be the next Dr.Dolittle.

“No! The bird is obviously your Aunt's minion, come to spy on us. It would explain how she knew when to come over to beg for money from your Dad when I wasn't at home. And why she was wearing the same lace as me at that wedding last week. She can see everything that's going on here. So today na today. I will kill that evil bird and if your Aunty croaks in the process, so be it. Next time she will choose her adversaries wisely.”

Oh Lord. Why do these things happen to me?

“Ok Mum, you're probably right but spraying bullets is not the way to solve the problem. All you need to do is move the nest and the bird won't come back ok? So please give Inspector Lamidi the gun and he'll climb up tree and move the nest.

Inspector Lamidi gives me a look that says "I aint climbing up no tree to move no devil bird's nest. You and your crazy mama can kiss my fine khaki covered behind."

“We are not moving anything. I have to kill it. Lamidi go and bring me a chair, a can of Red bull and my City people magazine. It's me and your Aunty today.”

“So you're just going to sit out here all day Mum?”

“Yes. I am protecting my family. You will thank me later.”

“I’m going to call Dad!”

“Good. Tell him to come and talk to his sister and her fine feathered friend. I will be sitting here waiting for them.”

Yeah right. I'm going back to bed  jo before she talks me into shooting down defenceless pigeons that look like other members of my family. My life sucks. Just as I'm considering the option of divorcing my parents and getting a new last name, my phone rings....its Annoying Married Chick.

“Hehehehe have you been on face book today?”

“No why? Anyway forget that we have slightly more serious issu…”

“ Wait! Let me finish. It’s too funny. Someone has posted a video of some woman passed out, on the floor in her underwear or something and 2 policemen are trying to cut her out of it.”

Face book ke! No it can’t be me. It must be some other poor sap that has access to MOPO’s and a crazy mother who supplies her with deadly underwear.

“Are u listening? Then some crazy woman rushes in and starts screaming at them to cut the girl out with their eyes closed. That no one should look at her daughters mystical areas. I think that was the best bit.

Ah! My own don finish for Eko. Those evil bastards must have filmed me on their phones or something when Mum wasn't looking. To think I felt sorry for their Markaudi bound asses. All my enemies and ex boyfriends will be dying of laughter by now at the sight of me lying on the floor like a beached whale. I need to get my ass on the first flight out of here. Might just have enough time to pack my shoes and make the BA flight tonight.

"I swear, if I didn’t know any better I could have sworn it was Mum but the picture is so grainy you can't really see any features.”

Phew! Thank you Jesus. I promise from now on I will pay my tithes in full and not try to pull a fast one by deducting unanswered prayers tax like I usually do.

“Hey are you there?”

"Yeah! Sorry it’s just been a long morning. I really need a drink. Anyway, you need to get over here and deal with your crazy mother for a change.”

“Why? What's she doing now? You know what, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. This is why I got my ass married and moved as far away as possible. I suggest you get your ass in gear and do the same.Why don’t you come out with me and my friend? We are heading to some trendy new bar on the mainland everyone’s been raving about. I’ll swing by and pick you up later."

"Cool. See ya later.”

Don’t be shocked people. We are sisters after all and we do occasionally have conversations where she doesn’t hang up on me and I don’t call her “Crazy Malu”. We do love each other really. Anyway It's a weekend and I refuse to let my gun toting mother ruin my day. I will have a nice long nap and make myself all hot for my night out with the girls.

Oh gee! Not gun fire again. What does a girl have to do to get some sleep around here?

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