OK! Someone needs to tell me where to go for deliverance because I am getting so tired of all the undesirables that are trying to get a piece of me.
You all remember Alhaji! Alhaji! Don’t you? The hottie with a wifey? Well since our date, he has refused to take no for an answer. He calls up every other day and sends me pointless e-mails. All of which I ignore because I fear Gods wrath more than I fear lonely nights and spinster hood. I refuse to be turned into a pillar of salt for any man. Not even a rich, hot, gap toothed, probably a freak in the bedroom man. But rather than accept the fact that I ain't interested and move on to his next victim, he just keeps trying new and improved ways to get to me.
He calls me up this morning on an unknown number. I just assumed it was one of my peeps from the UK and so I was already smiling, as I was in the mood to waste my oga's time and money on a 15 minute girly gossip.
Hmm… Bunnylicious needs to stop taking all those Chinese "Make Happy" all night herbs. She’s starting to sound all manly and stuff. And since when does she call me beautiful?
Wake up Dumbo. It’s obviously not her. Geez.
Shut it Brain. I knew that. I was just testing you.
“Hi, who is this?”
“You mean you’ve forgotten my voice already?”
Lord! Why do people think they are witty when they say that? Er…obviously? It’s not like you’re the only human being in the world, let alone the only one I speak too. Learn some phone etiquette damn it and identify yourself.
“Looks like it. I guess you’ll have to help me out.”
“Well,who’s the one man you know you need in your life right now?”
Jesus. That’s right I need Jesus in my life, to shield me from ireti’s with access to mobile phones. I think I’m just going to hang up. Already bored of this dry game and I need to pee really badly.
“I haven’t got a clue but I really need to go now.”
“Don’t go. Ok. It’s me… Alhaji.”
Gasp! Evil, conniving, hot bastard. How dare he try and sneak in under my finely tuned radar.
“I’ve asked you to stop calling me.”
“I know but today’s my birthday and I was hoping you would make an exception and at least talk to me.”
Story story! Birthday my ass. Do married men suddenly become single for 24 hours on their birthday because that news to me? Even if it is his birthday what’s he expecting from me?
“Well happy birthday. I hope you have a great day but I really need to go now.”
“Mena please stop being so hard on me. I just want to spend some time with you.”
“What part of you are not allowed to hang out with me are you not getting?”
“Who says I’m not allowed to be with you?I’m telling you I’m allowed.”
This one don see mumu. Does he have a note from his wife letting him come out to play? Actually he might do. Maybe they are one of those kinky couples that like to invite guests over for sleep over’s? Yuck. Need to nip this convo in the butt.
“OK. Alhaji. I really do have to go. I hope you have a great day. Bye.”
Prat. Trying to spoil my day with impure thoughts.
Anyway thought that was my minor irritation of the day out of the way nice and early. So I could enjoy the rest of my Friday dossing around on the internet. At about 10.30am, just as I finished eating a cupcake in front of a ravenous Rat Boy (Yes, he still in my bad books and I have found his weakness... Food. The boy is a major grobido), I notice the whole department go quiet.
I knew something was wrong when Bad Weave girl actually stopped mid flirt with Ladies Man and seemed to lose all sensory perception. Ladies Man, in turn stopped ignoring her and started flexing his muscles and adjusting his tie. Rat Boy was still eyeing the cake crumbs on my table and was totally unaware that anything was going on. I turn around to see what finally stopped Bad Weave’s inane chatter about how she was a good cook and Ladies Man needed to come round to try her beans.
Beans?? Come on woman. Even I know better than to try and seduce a guy with a flatulence inducing meal.
Lo and behold in the doorway to my crappy department was Alhaji. I swear the light seemed to shimmer behind him casting him in a sexy seductive glow. He smiled and Bad Weave girl almost broke her leg getting off Ladies Man’s table and sprinting over to him.
“Good morning Sir. I’m Bad Weave. Can I help you?” she says trying to push her Agbalumo sized breasts as far as they will go.
I swear. If I wasn’t so irritated I’d be laughing.
“It's alright Bad Weave, he’s here for me” I say before he can respond.
Bad Weave gives me a look that says “Die bitch. Must you have everything I want?"
Oh Honey! If only you knew.
“Alhaji, can I talk to you outside please?”
As we make our way out of the office, I can see the girls all lusting and the guys all hatin. If only he was single. I would have taken great joy in parading him up and down the office on a regular basis.
“What are you doing here?”
“I had to see you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
See this enemy of progress? Please don't think about me o. I don't know what kind of "Any girl you think of will go and meet her fore fathers" juju your wife has going on.
“Ok you need to stop this. For the last time, I DON’T DATE MARRIED MEN!”
“What if I told you the marriage was a mistake and I’m trying to get out of it? All I’m asking for is time. Just wait for me. Don’t start seeing anyone else. I don’t think I could bear to lose you.”
At this stage I had to look over my shoulder because I expected Basket Mouth or AY to jump out from behind a car and say “Mena welcome to my hilarious new candid camera show …Dey send you come?!”
Is this friggin joker for real?