Well excuse me...

It’s that time of the month again…


Ah,ah! Ki lo de? We don’t really want to know now.

Shut it peasants! Wasn’t talking about the monthlies. Was talking about getting my hair done. Next time why don’t you let a girl finish before you jump in there all offended? Hissss....

As I was saying…it’s that time of the month when you look into the mirror and you know something just ain't right. Is it my eyebrows? Nope! Still plucked and brushed to perfection. My face in general? Please! Babe! You know there’s nothing wrong with your gorgeousness…mmmm

Na wa for this your own hotness Mena. Na only u? Lets even see you sef then we can judge for ourselves.

See who? Will you come on gerraway!

Nonsense! Fear no even catch you. You want to gaze upon my ethereal beauty just like that? Please don’t upset me today.

Where was I? Yeah, so after having done your beauty countdown you come to the conclusion that’s it’s got be the hair holding you back. I’ve had my weave  for 3 weeks now and I’m starting to resemble bad weave girl (I rebuke it), who by the way has moved on from the weave to her own natural hair. You would think that’s got be better but it’s dyed an awful wine red color. Arrrgh!!!! My eyes! My eyes! I’ve been blinded by the sheer wrongness of it. How can you people expect me to work and thrive under these conditions? All I ask for is to be surrounded by equally (it will be hard sha) beautiful people. Not these rejects from the era style forgot.

So the question now is what to do? Been a weave girl since I arrived in good ol' Lagos and I need a change. Especially since I no longer have a bangin weave stylist. I need something that reflects my weird, sensuous and exciting personality.

Shuku ma fit e.

Waka... Please stop talking to me.

Sebi you want to be weird and wonderful ni? Don’t worry by the time that Shuku brings out the weird and wonderful features of your ogo and opon…Men! The boys will just be falling.

Ignoring you jealous haters. Shall turn to the Internet and my peeps for inspiration. Oh! That’s a nice one. Urban and sassy kinky fro. Will BB it to Speedy Gonzales for feedback.

I love my BB. It’s my little, black compact lover. It lets me talk, play music, surf the net for shoes and it vibrates too (Make of that what you will people). If only it could legally marry me. I would give up the hunt for Mr. Right. Unfortunately it’s just a machine and I need someone to pay for my boob reduction in the near future.

Ping!

Hooray! I got a ping.

Speedy Gonzales: What’s this?

Mena: Style I’m thinking of doing. U like?

Speedy Gonzales: Why are you always trying to channel Diana Ross or Wurzel Gummidge?

Mena: Whatcha talking about girl?

Speedy Gonzales: What’s with all the big hair? How the hell is someone supposed to find you under all that hair let alone decide if they fancy you? Speaking of fancying you, met some guy the other day that I think will be perfect for you.

Hmm…was going to end the convo after her rude remarks about my hair preferences. Diana Ross indeed. Is she blind? It’s definitely Erykah Badu at work. Anyway she said the magic words guy and perfect in one sentence.

Mena: Tell me more. What’s his name?

Speedy Gonzales: BB guy

Mena: He got a last name. Need to Google him to make sure he’s not on Americas most wanted or Interpol.

Speedy Gonzales: No. like I said just met him.

Mena: OK, so what does he do?

Speedy Gonzales: Don’t know but he’s cute

Mena: Ooook… How do you know he’s perfect for me?

Speedy Gonzales: Well he drives a bad ass mini and he’s single.

Mena: Errr…I’m sorry but is that all you’ve based your assessment on?

Speedy Gonzales: Look Miss Snooty pants. In this current single men shortage, that’s all you need for him to be perfect for you.

Mena: But…

Speedy Gonzales: Stop typing and let me finish. He has a bad ass car means he has a job and won’t be calling you between 1am and 5am in order to save credit. Also means he’s quirky, which you like and most importantly he’s single which means you won’t spend every date looking over your shoulder waiting for his Mrs. to jump out and slap you senseless.

Mena: But…

Speedy Gonzales: Stop typing damn it! I’ve given him your BB pin and when he BB’s, you will be charming, act normal and not discuss any of your many issues or personalities. And when you go on your first date you better not have any hammer house of horror hair on your head. I’m sick and tired of you moaning about being single and then when someone tries to help you get all Prima Donna. You better don’t mess this up. Now you can type.

Well excuse me for living. I ain’t typing nuthin. Too young to die in a fiery ball of BB insults. Fine! I will allow this virtual stranger into my BB world. I will go on a date and when he hacks me to pieces and uses his friggin “Quirky mini ” to dispose of my body off Third Mainland Bridge, she’ll be sorry. Bet she’ll wish I had my urban kinky Afro then, so it will be easy to identify my remains.

“Yes officer. It’s her. No one could carry an urban kinky Afro like she could” Sob.

Speedy Gonzales: Hey! You still there? You wanted to say something?

Mena: It’s OK. I’m good.

Speedy Gonzales: Sure?

Mena: Yes.

Speedy Gonzales: Cool. Get back to work then. Talk to you later.

Mena: Bye

Hahahahahahahahaha! Sepe Mena get master??

Sod off nincompoops!

Getting myself an Urban and sassy Afro even if it kills me and I don't care what she or her precious BB Guy think.