I think we're gonna need more tissues.

 Bad Weave’s fiancé has dumped her 3 months to the wedding after he caught her in a steamy liaison at Mama Cass. Please don’t ask me how it’s possible to have a steamy liaison at Mama Cass. I’m too tush to know.

Ennnnn!!!! Ashawo. Na wa Mena. This one that you can’t even find one to lampash you and she’s keeping 2 to herself. It’s a shame sha.

Gerraway jo! I know you are just using style to insult me.

What’s the big deal? I just  kinda got dumped too and slapped with a BB restraining order to boot. I should be the one sobbing in the ladies. I could be picking out table linens with my wedding planner by now. Boo Hoo!

N’do. Se you know your own romance was a figment of your over active imagination sha?

Kiss my BBB (Beautiful Black Behind)!

Anyway, to make matters worse…She’s pregnant.

Ahhh!!! That one na different story but at least she’s been getting some. Unlike some people.

Continue being lippy.

It's true sha…The bi*#%. But then again, it depends on who you’ve been getting it from. Guess what makes this whole situation suicide worthy?

Wetin??

She was caught in a steamy liaison with Rat Boy formerly known as Chipmunk from the office.

Na lie! Story don wowo finish.

I don’t know why but I am rather upset by this news. I don’t know if it’s the mental image of both them getting it on that’s now looping through my brain that’s upsetting me; The fact that even Rat Boy is getting his groove on and I’m not or the knowledge that they were able to carry out a sordid affair under my nose without me finding out. I pride myself on my instincts and if anyone had told me that Rat Boy had ever seen or knew what to do with a naked woman, I would have had them committed.

All interest in Six Pack guy has now gone. I needed to hear me some gist.

As it turns out Bad Weave’s Fuji dancing boyfriend had proposed to her in a drunken haze about a month ago and it seems he was now getting cold feet. He had started ignoring her phone calls, staying out till all hours and taking an unseemly interest in the opposite sex. After a row over catching him in his neighbor’s apartment with nothing but a pair of boxers on (He claims he was helping her kill a cockroach. I don’t even have a witty remark for that), Bad Weave had come into work early the next day and had a mini sobbing fit. Rat Boy had arrived in the middle of the whole thing and given her a shoulder to cry on

Over the weeks, as Fuji dancing boyfriend’s behavior detiriorated, so did the muscles in Rat Boys shoulder, and they totally gave way one day causing Bad Weaves head to slip and placing her lips directly over Rat Boys. The rest as they say was history.

Personally it would take a whole lot more than a cheating boyfriend to send me into the stubby arms of Rat Boy. I’m not even sure a nuclear holocaust and the need to repopulate the earth would. If it was up to me and him, believe me, Cockroaches would rule the world.

Anyway she claims she didn’t know what happened but she just couldn’t help herself after that. Every time she had a row with Fuji Boy, Rat Boy and his “Miraculous rod of wonder” would pop by and make everything alright.

Did she want to be with him?

Apparently not. Her exact words being “Hell no!”

He was apparently an Okada riding, Dundun eating, junior member of staff. There was no future with him. He was just sweet to her and with Fuji Boy being a  typical macho male, she was missing some tenderness. She loved Fuji Boy despite his dodgy ways and anyway he owned a Tokunbo Prado. Nuff said.

The only problem now was after the whole Mama Cass debacle, Fuji boy and his Prado had kicked her to the kerb. He was probably back on cockroach killing duty at his neighbors as we speak. Rat Boy on the other hand seems to have fallen for the lure of synthetic hair and was now claiming paternity to the unborn child and demanding she give their relationship a chance. I mean why let a little thing like no car and your meager salary stand in the way of love abi?

I  can personally think of many reasons but I ain't pregnant and unable to decide if the baby daddy is a gyrating philanderer or a poverty stricken rodent. So I shall be keeping my opinions to myself.

 Her question to me was “What would you do?”

God forbid! May I never be able to answer that question.

How the hell do I know Trampy? My sole knowledge of  issues like this  is garnered from Nollywood and I’m not sure their way of dealing with things is necessarily the right way to go. I honestly  can’t even begin to relate to anything she’s telling me.

The only time I’ve ever cheated on someone was when I was in college and too much of a wimp to break up with the loser I was with. I tried. Believe me I tried but he would break into tears every time I attempted to tell him things weren’t working out. So I figured the best way to sort it out was to move on but not bother telling him I’d moved on. I figured he would work it out soon enough when he saw me smooching someone else on campus.

This on the other hand is a whole different kettle of fish.

Bad Weave,  I’m all out of advice but I do have a giant box of Kleenex that I’m willing to share.

Abi? What else can I do?