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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Don't judge me!

Which one of you evil people sent me a note threatening to reveal my true age if I didn’t update my blog? All I can say is God dey! May they not send you such letters when you are busy recuperating from losing the one true love of your life.

En? Who be that?

BB boy of course! What kind of dumb ass question is that? Na everyday I dey love?


Shut it! Just shut it, shut it, shut it!!!!! The others were nothing but mild amusements. They didn’t have the connection we did. Couldn’t you feel the love in the air Brain? How am I supposed to live now? Boo hooo

I can't live, if living is without you...

Oh God she’s breaking into song again. Mena e don do now. Pity the rest of the house.

I can't live, I can't give anymore

Can't live, if living is without you

I can't give, I can't give anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Boo hoo!
I can’t give anymore Brain…Booooo hoooooo.

Whyyyyyyyyy???!!!! Why does my life suck? I will never love again.

Boo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

We could have been so happy with little danshiki clad babies running round the house shouting “Mummy I want nono!” Now that will never be and all because of THAT WOMAN! I will never speak to her again.

There, there Mariah  from Ilorin. Stop blaming your mother and using her Egyptian cotton sheets to wipe the snot from your nose. And just a warning for the future…Refrain from crying in front of any man. We are not attractive when we cry. She's said she's sorry and has tried to make it up to you. The generator has been on non-stop  for a whole week just to make you happy. Look, I thought you said under no circumstances were you going to succumb to his charms anyway? So why all the drama?

I know, but he smelt like candy, looked like candy and laughed like Count Dracula. What girl could resist that?

A normal one?

It will take more than her burning diesel to make it up to me. Short of her bringing me an identical BB guy, I ain't interested.

Don’t worry we’ll find you another candy smelling, fruit loop to fall in love with ok? Maybe if we got out of bed, had a shower and brushed our 100% almost human hair we might have a better chance of meeting someone else.

Look leave me jare. Let me wallow in my misery in peace. I shall stay hidden under the duvet until I can no longer stand the smell of my own sweaty body.  I don tire for this Eko jo. Someone book me a flight outta here. I need a new start where people don’t trample on your love life just because they carried you for 9 months and suffered 14 hours of apparently excruciating labour. Story…Can’t have been that bad woman or you would have remained celibate afterwards instead of popping out a couple more kids.I can’t take it here anymore. If I’m not being mentally assaulted by my mother then I’m being judged every where I go.

Nigerians are the most tactless bunch of people I’ve ever met. I mean as far as I’m concerned just because I happen to be a pair of boobs with legs doesn’t make me a whale. I happen to be nicely rounded thank you very much. But the number of comments I get about my curves is bordering on harassment. Must I look like a bonga fish before everybody leaves me alone? Just the other day some pervo client that’s been making my life hell with his unwanted advances sent me a pervy forward. Just I was about to delete it I noticed he had saved my e-mail id as my name and in brackets right after that was the word “Orobo”. I did a quick double take.

Na lie. See this idiot? Not only has he violated me by sending a rather nasty and explicit fwd about boobs. He has the guts to insult my fine self to my virtual face and then copy his gang of no hoper friends into it? I don’t even care if they sack me,  I’m so telling him his life story whilst simultaneously kicking his bony ass. With his wowo,” Never see dentist before teeth” and “Wind no carry me away” suit. Na condition bend crayfish and made you a manager even though you can’t speak English. Otherwise why in hell would I ever interact with you? Upon all my orobo you still want to date me sha? And you think insulting me will make it happen? Wait I dey come. Your great grandchildren will marry before I even get in the same car with you let alone display my so called orobo body in all its naked glory.

Everybody’s got an opinion here. I’m too fat, too short, too poor( I’m not poor! I just like cars that are painted yellow with black stripes),too snobby, too single, too loud, too rude, too old, too boring…the list is endless. At some point I was actually starting to question me!! Can you imagine? The Exotic One actually wondering if she was cute enough, sexy enough, clever enough or hip enough? As if.

Look everyone stop judging me. I’m me! Take me or leave me, that’s your choice but stop trying to change me. I’m not suddenly going to become a size zero, "My handbag defines me" chick with flowing Madagascarn hair. I’m a sophisticated razzo who likes to slob around in her pj’s watching old movies and eating ice-cream out of the tub. I would rather roll around the carpet with my nieces and nephews than spend hours at some fashion show looking at stuff that now cost more than my college education because someone tacked some tassel on a piece of  Ankara.

I have a weird but wonderful sense of humor, I’m a clumsy, accident prone, bad ass cook, who makes a lot of dodgy decisions,  loves shoes, eye candy and her family and friends. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me and loved for being me. So if you can’t handle any of the above, I beg begin dey waka because I’m not going to let your issues become my issues. I have way too many of my own to deal with. Like I wonder if BB guy is a boxers or briefs kinda guy? Oh gosh! What if he’s all commando, all the time?

Erm... Are you ok? You have a glazed look in your eye?

That's it! I'm not letting a commando,candy smelling guy escape my clutches. I shall have my mother sectioned  if necessary. Where's my phone?

Mena!!!! Don't do it! Think of the shame.

Sod shame. Where's the darn thing? Its been vibrating all day but couldn't be bothered to answer it. Was too sad to talk. Now that I want it...Ah! Found it.

15 missed calls and 1 BB convo.

Lord! Can't people just leave me alone? Bet it's my sister looking for gist.

Oh my God!


It's a BB from BB guy!

Well aren't we going to open it?!

Too scared. Can't breathe...

1 comment:

geisha said...

LOVE it. *Sigh*