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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Male Mates Needed. Apply Here!

Lord have mercy! That’s like the 15th e-mail in the space of an hour. This is why you should never let another woman hug you in the ladies loo. They get all clingy and demanding.

Sod off woman!!!

I don’t want to know if Fuji dancer hasn’t picked up your call for the umpteenth time. Don’t you have friends to talk too?


Whatever!!! Look, I can appreciate that Bad Weave is going through a bad time, but the fact that I patted her on the back and helped her blow nose doesn’t suddenly make me her new BFF. She's been making me do lunch so she can sob on my shoulder. My dry cleaning bill this month is going to be horrendous. Hasn't she ever heard of waterproof mascara? Anyway she wants me to come down to Fuji Boys place with her to talk to him. Naturally that’s where I drew the line. That's the kind of trip you take your close mates, who have had the torturous experience of meeting Fuji Boy, on. Not some random hot chick that works in your office. I'm sorry Bad Weave I ain't looking to be your friend.

If I wanted new friends, I definitely wouldn’t be looking in her direction. And despite what you might all think it ain't just the bad hair and men choices that’s standing in her way. We just don’t have anything in common. I’m too old to be forcing myself to hang with people just because I feel sorry for them or I’m bored and lonely. Making friends is a delicate process and you just don’t hand yourselves over to random people just because you happen to know their dirty little secrets.

To make matters worse, Rat Boy who now knows I know has been trying to get me to talk her into seeing things his way. Not my beeswax mate. You shagged her. You bag her. I ain’t involving myself in this Tinsel plot line. Everybody leave me alone.

Don’t worry you’ll be alone pretty soon, considering your only mate in Lagos; Speedy Gonzales is jetting off to New York for 4 months as we speak.

Noooooooooooo!!!! Why Speedy?!! Why?!!

Damn the dodgy maternity services in this country. Why is everyone so obsessed with jetting off to have their sprogs? I was born here and turned out just fine thank you very much. Army Barracks Hospital Ilorin…I salute you (Could have done a better job moulding my ears but thank God for long flowing weaves.) She lied!!! She doesn’t love me or she wouldn’t be leaving me at the mercy of my crazy man wrapper sister. Boo Hoo. I do need new friends don’t I Brain?

Yes you do Anti-social one.

Ok! But can we only look for male friends? Can’t cope with female drama.

Ashawo! Wetin you wan take male friends do?

Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m taking a sabbatical from lusting over men remember?

If you say so. That’s why you’ve been aiming your cleavage towards Six Pack Guy all week abi?

Oh that! Not what you think. We were conducting an experiment. He was helping me decide what angle my boobies looked perkiest at for future man catching purposes.

If I could make you slap yourself I would. Actually I can...

Ow! Stop that.

He’s so metro sexual he’s swung right past the hetro to gay. So I wouldn't worry about him Brain. Or at least I think he has. In fact I’ll eat carbs if he ain’t gay. His interest in my hair and shoes is way too intense to be normal male behavior. I mean only this morning he high fived me for being right on trend with my Gucci raffia tote.
I pirry you. I wouldn’t assume he’s anything until he tells you himself or you catch him in a compromising position with the stationery boy who definitely is. If you like keep giving him film show.

Nah! No way. He calls me girlfriend and we’re even thinking of going to some fashion show over the weekend. Definitely a whole lot more fun hanging with a guy.

Afraid no catch you abi? A word is enough for the wise. From fashion show you go branch bar. From bar your "Can't hold her drink" self will end up in the supposed gay man's house doing very un gay things. Any man that’s not a eunuch, Gucci bag lovin’ or otherwise, is dangerous. I don’t want to hear "O ka mi mo corner" o.

Askology. You ain't my Daddy!! So chillax and stop being so suspicious! You should be happy. I might just be making a new friend and at work too.

Find a girlfriend. I don talk my own.

Look as any woman will testify making friends with guys is just easier. Guys ain’t hating on your weave or eyeing up your boyfriend behind your back (Well these days you never know). There are only 2 reasons why a guy is your friend in the first place. You’re either very hot and he’s hoping one day you will trip over and conveniently fall into his shag master 2000 deluxe king-size bed with the rotating overhead mirrors or you make him laugh and he thinks you’re cool. Outside of those 2 reasons there ain’t much else they are interested in.

Also guys like to do fun stuff like play video games, drink copious amounts of vodka, talk about pointless crap in loud voices and most importantly they know other guys who might be suitable for dating duty when my man fast is over.

So really, guy friends are the future. I just have to maintain the key rule to staying friends with a guy; which is never sleep with them. You can flirt with them till kingdom come but never ever snog or sleep with them cause that just creates all sorts of messy boundary issues. I see some people at the back of the room eagerly raising their hands to ask things like "What about friends with benefits?" etc.

Story. Do you have female friends with benefits? If you do then you probably ain’t interested in blokes anyway and if you still are then...Does your mama know you’re kinky lil’ so and so? Anyway my point is once you start giving up the extra’s you’re now in shag buddy territory, which is a whole other blog.

Being friends with a woman…I beg. Wahala dey plenty.

The reasons why a woman might want to be your friend are endless. Which is why I avoid female friendships like the plague. They're cool when you're still pubescent and you think boy bands are the best thing ever. But once you get past a certain age its just easier to stick to the girls you've known all your life instead of trying to fit into some clique that has so many rules and regulations to join its easier to be employed by the CIA.

Don't get me wrong, I do talk to other girls and we do the whole number swapping thing but deep down we both know we're just going to remain acquaintances and air kiss when we see each other at parties. I’ve got my own issues; don’t need a random girl bringing me down. I shall stick with Ijebu Chick & Bunnylicious. They might be annoying and thousands of miles away but at least I know they got my back.

So I think the best way to handle this is to maybe hold open auditions for my new male mates. Anyone who’s interested should send me their BB pins and I’ll take it from there. No “Cant afford to buy his own popcorn when we go the movies” applicants please. And also it wouldn't kill you to be cute, have modicum of style and a strong grasp of the English language. I might not be planning on dating your arse but I don’t plan on slumming it either.

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