Give me a fifty.......Now!!!!!!!!

Hooray its Friday!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve had a crappy week so haven’t really felt like writing. Sorry but even budding Booker prize winners need time to feel sorry for themselves. So hopefully the fact that the weekend is here will make up for the fact that I am broke, still round, have no heating in my ghetto flat and that I ran into my ex boyfriend in the home furnishing addicts store ………..IKEA!

Its bad enough running into your ex in any situation but picture this………….Me looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, wearing my "Nobody I know could possibly be in Ikea at this time of night" outfit. Pushing my "I'm a leper and live alone trolley" with only one plate in it. Whilst he looks normal and is pushing his " I have partner and so I need the extra large squishy duvet to keep us warm at night trolley". Don’t get me wrong……….me not bitter but don’t you just hate it when that happens??? Anyway I will not let the event traumatise me because I too might soon be pushing the "Extra large squishy duvet trolley" around . I HAVE ANOTHER DATE WITH HOOOOOOTTTTTTTT DUDE!

Sorry….Just need to digress quickly. Why is it that the moment you meet someone you might be interested in all your old boyfriends/toasters start crawling out of the woodwork?? This week alone I’ve had 4 different guys who I haven’t spoken to in months call me and want to hook up. Do you guys have some kind of radar that tells you when you’re about lose one??? Do you like have a list of girls that fall into a "Might marry her when I finish fooling around and don’t meet anyone better" category? I just don’t get it ? Fella’s please let a sister know.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. This is the time for you people who claim to be my family and friends to show how much you really love me, by contributing to operation Bring the brother to his knees(BTBTHK). Hey! I TRIED BUT COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING WITH FUNKY INTIALS. This fund will provide me with the necessary equipment to ensnare my man. I suggest you all stop hiding your cheque books and think seriously about this. The sooner I catch a man, the sooner you will all finally be rid of me. So pay attention. This is what I will be needing:

I will need to turn my flat into a New York style loft apartment. If you have seen my flat you will know how expensive this is going to be. Bringing New York to the ghetto of Middlesex ain’t going to be easy. BUT IT MUST BE DONE! You see the secret of getting a guy to want to come over and hang out is to give him somewhere a whole lot nicer than the hovel he calls his bachelor pad to do it in. Also it helps to have sky sports and a play station. Who has the number for sky?

I need new underwear. In the event that my skirt should accidentally fall to my ankles for whatever reason(use your imagination people). It would be nice if he wasn’t confronted by my Benny Dee knickers. Whatever! All of you should be pretending you don’t know what or where Benny Dee is. Especially you Ijebu chick. We know you only bring out the good stuff on Bank holidays, Christmas, birthdays and when Arsenal win a match. I intend to rock sexy La Perla at all times. I just need to convince them to start making my size. Damn! These humungous boobies of mine. I think you should all contribute for plastic surgery first and then we will talk about underwear.

I need to stop buying Asda own brand food, toilet paper etc. The way to a mans heart is through his tummy and keeping his cute bum cute. I need superior quality food to enhance my cooking skills and moisturised toilet paper to keep his tooshy in perfect condition. I will now be shopping at Waitrose , Marks and Sparks and Harrods food hall. Be warned freeloading family members… These better food items will only be for HOT DUDE’s consumption. For all of you bringing your bowls, The Asda own brand rice and stew will be made available to you. And if you must use my newly refurbished bathroom my old copies of evening standard should suffice. HANDS OFF MY ALOE VERA INFUSED ANDREX. I have been warned to stick to hard core Niger food until he asks the big question. After that I will be packing up my mortar and pestle and bringing out my wok.


I need Tantric sex lessons, belly dancing classes, yoga classes, pole dancing lessons, stripping lessons and a 4 week course on mastering the Karma sutra. Before you all throw your Bibles at me………I will only be using said lessons AFTER I get the square cut yellow diamond nestled between two white teardrop diamonds in a platinum band. I just want to be ready and able to keep my might be future hubby entertained in all ways. Bunny go go licious come and lend me your sex manual now??? I promise I will return it with the post it notes still stuck on your favourite positions. Not the one with furry animals sha…………me not into all that kinky stuff with fur and floppy ears(The girl is just sick but she has her uses I guess. Still trying to figure out where on earth Just so Dude found her).

Hmmmm……..what else should I be incorporating into my new life as an almost no longer single chick??? Suggestions people! Keep thinking. I will be round everyone’s house tonight to collect my owo. There’s no point switching of your lights and pretending not be home. Where money is concerned I can be very patient. Got my sleeping bag , thermos flask of hot coffee and a picture of Tyrese to keep me company(Would prefer one of Hot dude but decided it might be a bit stalker like to insist on a picture on the first date). So ladies and gentleman I will be accepting cash, cheques and credit cards. No trade by batter or IOU’s will be accepted. Thanking you in advance!

Patience is a virtue? Tell someone who cares....

Chineke! You useless borrow borrow family members will not kill me in London. IJEBU CHICK!!!!!!! WHERE ARE MY HAND WARMERS OR SHOULD I SAY GLOVES????!!!!!!!!!! My fingers have fallen off due to the arctic conditions and I am being forced to type with my nose. I suggest you return my gloves ASAP before I have to call a family meeting regarding your un iyawo behaviour. Respect yourself!!!! OK??

I’m sorry people. I’m usually a cultured , dignified individual but these people just bring out the worst in me and unfortunately that is the only language they understand. Wait till you are forced to seat on the tube with your hands between your legs and people are giving you strange looks because they think you’re making yourself happy. You might be forced to go native in the language department too. You would think that after rescuing her from marriage to some ijebu farmer and letting her into the bosom of our family she would be a tad more grateful. But just because she’s dropped one and she manages to keep IT dude mildly entertained, she thinks she can act anyhow. Anyway I don’t blame her its my fault for still hanging around. I need to get my ass married and then maybe, just maybe I’LL START GETTING SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE.

Speaking of marriage …I think I’ve finally figured out why I am single. All these years of pondering and it was soooooooo simple. I don’t like waiting!!!!!!!! I hate it. I hate queues, traffic, getting my hair done….anything that involves hanging around for something to happen is just a no no. I go to a restaurant and they say "How would you like your steak madam"?.....I’m like, just bring me the cow and a blow torch and I’ll sort myself out. I’m just not a very patient person. I want everything NOW!!

So you put a person like me in a dating situation and its just a blooming disaster, because if there is one thing that involves waiting around for stuff to happen……….its dating. Men are sooooo slow. They just think we’ve got time too waste. NEWS FLASH!! We don’t have time to waste. I’m almost ….I can’t bring myself to say it …..30. Yes! 30. My biological clock is on overdrive and soon I won’t be able to wear the backless/frontless see through wedding dress I had planned because I’ll look like mutton dressed as lamb. Get your act together guys. You’re fast enough when bedroom action might be involved but when it comes to developing a relationship ……………please give the brothers a pair of Adidas.

I went on date the other day with......lets call him "Hot dude". Hmmmm! I'm sorry, can we have a minute of silence just to appreciate his HOTNESS!!! Wow I'm all hot and bothered now. We better make that 5 minutes instead. Anyway, I think we better stop appreciating now or I might need to take the rest of the day off work. We've done the first date and now, there's all this waiting.

I have to wait for him to call. In the days before BT ruined every stalker’s life by introducing 1471, you could call a guy just to listen to his voice on the answering machine and be safe in the knowledge that he would never find out what a psycho you are before your wedding day(I'll just like to take this time to apologise to all those ex's I stalked in my unstable days. Lets forgive and forget fella's). Now you have to remember to withhold your number or it’s a restraining order for you girl and you can kiss goodbye to the ring. Also I grew up in the 80’s/90’s when a girl calling the guy first was seen as an act of desperation. Hell! I’m desperate and would be quite happy to stalk him with unwanted calls and texts but I’ve been warned by SE chick not to disgrace her by being my usual desperado self. So, I have to wait for his calls. Question class…….When is it acceptable for me to stop waiting and starting making the calls?

I have to wait for him to ask me out on a date. Why? I’m bored now. Nando’s are doing a buy one chicken get one free offer and a girls got to have chicken(I'm not a cheap date. I just like chicken).

I have to wait for him to invite me over to his place. Why? I need to do the secret girlfriend/lying bastard check. ( You know... he says he’s single but you need to check for a spare toothbrush, pair of female knickers or lipstick anywhere in the flat.) If I wait for him to invite me that means he’s had ample time to get rid of the evidence.

Have to wait for him to ask me to be his girlfriend(Uuuh! that sounds nice.....girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. Sorry...I get excitable). Why? I like him. Why should I wait for some hussy who hasn’t had to do all the work (i.e. buying food from Buka and pretending you can throw down in the kitchen. Wasting the yearly deficit of a small African country on your looks just to keep him hooked) just stroll in there and catch his eye whilst he’s still trying to get the words out.


Wait for him to invite me to spend the night(just holding hands of course). Why? Yeah yeah. I know BAD THINGS can happen. But just think about how much we would be saving on heating. Everyone benefits. The ozone layer, the planet and anyway I’m sure the Bible says waste not want not. I think that principle can be safely applied to this situation.

Wait for him to introduce me to the family. Why? If I wait how do I get to see what they are really like? Before I met Hurry up and propose Chick’s man, she pulled me aside and explained how my life wouldn’t be worth living if I ruined her chance of ensnaring the one man stupid enough to think she was hot. So I behaved myself. But hey! The minute they get married, I can go back to wearing my knickers as a hat and its too late for him to do sod all about it. So I think I need to be able to pay a surprise visit to his family. Make sure he’s grandma isn’t chained up in a hut in the backyard because she bites people, cause once I say I do I’m stuck with what ever loonies he’s got.

And lastly I have to wait for him to propose. WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY???????? You guys don’t know what it takes to plan a wedding. Timing is everything. You don’t do it soon enough, someone I know will beat me to the alter and nick all my wedding ideas. Then when I want to get married it looks like I copied someone else. Shallow? Like I care! Its my wedding and it has to be perfect.

The list of waiting just goes on and on . Its enough to drive anyone insane.
Why can’t he just take one look at me and say "Yeah she’s cute. She’s got child bearing hips. She’s nice and round so she can either cook or at least knows a pretty good take out restaurant so I won’t starve. She said something funny the other week, so can make me laugh at least once a month. Doesn’t wear her pants over her trousers , so seems normal. Okey dokey lets get married". Now isn’t that simple??? I hope all you fella’s are taking notes cause I am so tired of waiting. Hmmm! Might make an exception for you HOTTTTTTT DUDE. Call me! Lets talk about it.

Moi?!!! Difficult????

Wow 5 whole days without moi. You all must be gibbering wrecks by now. Waiting with eager anticipation for what Mena did next. Well its alright I’m back and your lives need not be empty and dull anymore. Lets see what have I been up too? Well on Thursday I was sick....Sick of waking up at 6.30am every morning , fighting my way through women, children and pensioners just so I can stand all the way to work in a mechanical tin can called the metropolitan line. All this made all the more painful by the fact that London underground are charging me to get my new, this seasons pirate boots stepped on. Anyway I digress.....I was sick of being a dedicated employee (sending over 100 e-mails a day to friends and family is not a lack of dedication…its multi tasking), so I took a well deserved day off. But if you ever run into my boss I was SICK!!!!!!! REALLY REALLY SICK! I spent the day preparing for someone else’s wedding...again! WHEN IS MY WEDDING GOING TO BE? !!!!!!!!!!! Sob! I’m sorry I need a moment to compose myself.

The wedding was lovely though...sob! They both looked so happy..sob! I looked hot...HOORAY! and everyone else looked OK I guess. I looked hot or have I said that already? It doesn’t matter I’m sure you all never tire of hearing about my hotness. Anyway I made a mega effort to look nice in the hope of catching a cute usher, priest or wedding guests eye but I should just have come in my wonder woman pyjamas and saved myself the mini fortune spent on clothes. There wasn’t a cutie in sight. I think whoever is getting married next amongst my group of friends should have a picture of me on their invitations with a little caption saying "Single and will be attending the wedding". I think this will generate a greater response for your event. We will all benefit!!!! Fewer rsvp’s and more gifts for you the couple. And some of you guys know you don’t really have any friends other than myself, so the increased attendance will help create the illusion of popularity. This will be especially useful to you SE chick aka Elephant and castle Mama aka Dodo lover and you Ijebu Chick. Its nothing to be ashamed of lots of people are unpopular and don’t have friends. You mustn’t blame yourselves...blame society for not accepting you because of your non English speaking skills, not so hot looks(ugly..real ugly but lets not be rude) and raso(uncultured… for you guys not in the know)behaviour. By following my plan we are all in a win win situation. Ok! Good girls...contact me for a picture showing my good side.

Sunday was BLIND DATE DAY!!!!! I know!....Why would a girl like me have to go on a blind date??? ITS BECAUSE ALL YOU GUYS ARE SLOW SLACKERS! But I won't hold it against you when you feel the need to propose. I know I’m really cute, probably way too good for you and may sometimes look a little serious when you all see me on the tube or running elegantly for my bus. That’s because I’m thinking deep, world changing , intellectual thoughts. Like, will they forever be lost on "LOST" or are the Mitchell brothers in Eastenders growing their hair on their brains instead of their scalps as that would explain their stupidity to some extent. I’m just me....I don’t bite so come over and say hi. Slip a girl your number and lets see what happens. But before you all go crazy lets just lay a few ground rules. All number slipping guys must be in possession of the following:

1) A really nice set of teeth. Don’t smile at me if you don’t have a relationship with Aquafresh , floss or a dentist. If your teeth match the inside of your coffee cup then don’t even look in my direction let alone try and communicate through the medium of smiling.

2) "No romance without finance. You got to have J.O.B if you want to be with me." Gwen Guthrie was sooo wise! Sorry I may be shallow but I can only pay for your cinema ticket so often before I start revoking your other privileges. So for the sake populating the world with little ME’s the job centre is that way.

3) Look cute please.....no Michael Jackson style trousers ending at your knees, white socks, unmatching clothes and No!! tracky bottoms do not go with everything.

4) Try and accept the fact that in an ideal world where we all get what we deserve, I would be waaaaayyyyyy to hot for you and so act accordingly. No yo babe! What’s up sweetness! or Whoa have you got a pair! All statements not conducive to me accepting your number.

So now that we are clear on a few things feel free to come over, as you can see, I am really nice.

Anyway back to my blind date. You know what its like when all your friends are part of a couple(yuck!) and you’re the only leper still single. They suddenly go into some mad frenzy trying to set you up with someone. All taste goes out the window and suddenly women who once considered Denzel Washington to be a love god think its ok for you to go out with Snoop dogs non famous twin brother who lives in a cupboard in Peckham station. "Its alright" they say. You can fatten him up and that cupboard in Peckham station could be a property goldmine some day. Basically, as long as the guy has a pulse and all his equipment is in working order, he's eligible. You see they don’t want to feel guilty whenever you call them sounding all forlorn and ask if you can come over to play scrabble. They don’t want to play scrabble with you. They want to play it with their man and spell dirty words. So in other to avoid the constant guilt trip at you being alone, whilst they are getting all the good stuff, they need to hook you up and FAST. Which is why I was a tad suspicious when SE Chick said she knew a guy I might like. Had I pestered her once too often about my ever expanding tummy size ? Called whilst she was doing everything but with her other half?? Why was she trying to pawn me off to the first available guy she came across? I made up my mind I wasn’t going to be shoved off to some guy just to make everyone else happy. I wasn’t some charity case. I was going to stand my ground and refuse to go. I went(only to keep her happy)....he was cute, I guess. He was kinda of funny, I guess and maybe he was nice but I’m sooooooo not interested. I’ll just speak to him a couple of times and maybe go on a few dates so as not to hurt his feelings but I am definitely not feeling the cuteness, hotness,niceness etc I can find my own man THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the smugness if SE chick was the one that found THE ONE?! Lord! It doesn’t even bear thinking about.

Guys! This sister is saying........

I almost didn't make it today. I was distracted by Hurry up and propose chick and SE chick. The distraction involved a conversation about shaving body parts I won't mention and wee willy winky's.

Shock! Horror. I shouldn't be talking about those things but hey a girls got to take the excitement where she can get it. But it did make me think about how guys maybe don't have it as easy as we think. Hurry up chick said sometimes you meet a guy and he's just the total package...looks, money(yes we are shallow), great personality and come D day all you get is some weird little thing that really shouldn't have bothered coming to the party. Don't get me wrong...I'm not dissing.

In my years of sin (which are now waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy behind me), I was an equal opportunity employer. The way I see it... By the time you get to show me yours and I'll show you mine stage , its a bit too late say "I ain't doing nothing till you find the rest of it" So you just get on with it and hope for the best. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've always pictured guys as having an easy ride in terms of the whole dating thing. We girls worry about our looks, our weight, our clothes, ability to keep a guy interested in and out of bed. I guess I always saw the guys bit as once you get past the asking me out stage what else have you got to worry about?

But things have changed. Its not just women who have to worry about those things anymore. The days when all you had to be was breathing and male to get a girl are over. We Niger girls are more confident within ourselves. We are making our own money, doing our thing and all of a sudden having a guy isn't the be all and end all of everything we do. We've learnt to be a bit more discerning in term of which members of the opposite sex we spend our time with. We are asking what a guy can bring to the table other than his looks and bank balance.. Does he excite me mentally and physically? Can he grow with me? Is he willing to be more than just the man I share my bed with but my best friend? and more importantly is he willing to try that freaky thing they showed on "Desperate Housewives" the other day?

So guys......I apologise to all of you who I ever gave a hard time when you tried to tell me you appreciated my looks(even though you all need to learn how to say these things without the words Yo, baby or sweet thing in the sentence). All of you that tried to step to a sister and got knocked back...STAY STRONG. I personally will try to be kinder. Just like I hope people will get to know me despite the roundness. I hope myself,and other sisters won't judge you all based on what we see(in and out of the bedroom). I have brothers and male friends and I've learnt that boys cry too. You all have hearts that get broken. You worry that your belly ain't as flat as it used be, that your girls eyes seem to wander a tad too long on that guy at the club or that you just aren't cutting it in the sack or out of it.

You've all grown up having learnt that showing your feelings was weak. I guess I forget that its not that you don't care, its just that, maybe sometimes you are all too scared to show you do or simply just don't know how. So to all my brothers...big and small, who still make it a priority to keep chasing us sisters....I salute you.

Older and Wiser

I'm Nigerian and we are a competitive bunch of people. From an early age our parents drum it into our heads that we must strive for perfection in all that we undertake. If you're going to study then don't just study, do something awesome like be a doctor, lawyer, architect, engineer. Something even the guy down the street who can't read, write or speak English can say. They don't want us to be Bio chemical genecisist's because who the hell knows what that is???? And if no one knows what the hell you are, who are they going to spend their time bragging to???

Our parents bring us into the world not just because they want their spawn to populate the earth..They do it so as to have something to talk about when they are hanging with their buddies. How amazing we are, top of our class, making a million and marrying the richest/finest boys/girls around. How you gave them grandkids who could read the paper by the time they were 3 months. So in order to fulfil their ambitions and not embarrass them we spend our lives in constant comparison to every child our age from the next door neighbours to your 2nd cousin twice removed. People you've probably never seen or spoken to in your life and yet the minute the make it into Harvard, marry some pot bellied man worth a couple of illegal millions or dropped 7 kids in one go, they are suddenly the person you should most want be like. Never mind the fact that you want to go to art college and learn to draw naked bits, are a lesbian/gay and intend to have your tubes tied because you think the world is a terrible a place to bring a child into. All irrelevant!!!!!!! These are feelings you must take to the grave with you or at least wait until your parent are in theirs.

ANY form of rebellion will only be met with religious cleansing of your possessed soul, your mother's tortuous weeping accompanied by the "carried you for 9 months" chorus and for those who choose to follow the dark side I think the customary ritual is being whipped to within an inch of your life whilst standing in a river wearing a red loin cloth and not much else as some weirdo covered in shells chants over you. All things you want to avoid. So my advise.........do as your parents tell you......at least until you are safely on a plane to some non African country(anywhere they can drive to within a day isn't far enough), where, in possession of your passport and anything else you may need to claim refugee status, you may rebel as you see fit.

When you grow up in a society so obsessed with what everyone but the most important person...you.....thinks then its going to affect most of your choices. At least it did for me. I can remembar loads of things I wanted to do but didn't because it wasn't the done thing. Boys I liked but couldn't admit to liking. The were'nt from the right sort of family, school, money etc. The just wouldn't fit in. Forget love....how would I ever introduce them to my friends, family etc. Especially when everyone else is hooked up with some mega buff guy who quotes Socrates for relaxation. When I was younger fitting in mattered A LOT!!!!

There were lots of guys I could have dated and who knows maybe even married. But for me it was more important that I had a man like everyone else's. Someone who wouldn't cause a commotion by being too different. I suppose if everyone I knew was dating losers I probably would have gone out and found my own personal loser too( I did on several occasions...oh the shame). I had a huge list of what he had to be to be with me. With everyone that came along their was always something missing. I ended up dating someone my friends liked cause he hung out in their circle and was deemed acceptable. As you might have guessed.......didn't work out in a really huge way.

I guess as I've grown older I've learnt to throw the list out the window(ok ...maybe just downsize it a bit)and give people a go. I know I'm not perfect either(I am, but I'm trying to make the rest of you feel better about yourselves), so I'm learning not judge to hastily. I want to end up with someone I like not someone that makes everyone else feel comfortable. The whole point of people loving you is that they make an effort to become part of your life. They adopt your family, friends, hopes, desires as their own and vice versa. So when someone makes my heart go twice the recommended pace, I'm trusting that even if he's a goat herd who can't speak a word of English, all those that love me will love him too. Oh I'm all teary eyed just thinking about it. Someone pass the Kleenex!!!!!!

ohhhhh! Ain't technology great!

Wow! I've finally found a way to release all my pent up frustration (at being single and round) and aggression(From being lumbered with irritating family and friends who don't appreciate my numerous talents and extreme cuteness), without resorting to extreme violence. Here, I can moan, complain and do as much self gratification as I want. Hurray!!!!!! No more complaints about me clogging up peoples inbox with my intellectual observations such as the fact that I tend to look way hotter first thing in the morning if I fall asleep with my make up on. Take note fella's. Not that any of you will actually get see me first thing in the morning being a Christian and all. I'm not allowed to have any members of the male species in my bed oozing temptation at that time of the day. BAAAAAAAADDDDD THINGS!!!!!!! could happen. I would be happy to send any potential hubby pictures(face only, pervy people) of myself looking way hott first thing in the morning just to prove my point.

Anyway, not sure where to start telling you about my oh so wonderful self( excuse the constant self love. It's an after effect of growing up with philistines who would rather read your diary and give you a complex for the rest of your life, than say hi! you all know who you are).

Well I'm 29 soon to be ...............I'm sorry I can't bring myself to say it. I think we should just stick to me being 29(possibly for the next 5 years). I have a huge family, who I get on great with as long as I don't have to hang around them for long periods of time. Have a love/hate relationship with my job. Love to get paid/hate to work. I'm obsessed with shoes, clothes, accessories, food and day dreaming about Tyrese(mediocre American actor/singer but whoa is he hot). Over the coming days, weeks, months, years as you all get to know me better you will notice a few names constantly popping up. These will be the people that continually frustrate me and try to squash my spirit(you shall not succeed). I might as well introduce you them now so you can all get acquainted

Hurry up and propose Chick(Also known as Bovine Cretin) - Desperate to get married so she can have s.. younger sister.

Bunny go go licious - Rude, annoying soon to be sister in-law with a furry animal fetish.

Ijebu Chick - Even more annoying sister in- law obsessed with her derrière.

SE Chick - Extremely weird stalker friend with a big banana addiction.

IT Dude - Sometimes sensible older brother with a football obsession unfortunately married to Ijebu chick.

Just so Dude - Likes things just right older brother also with a football obsession soon to be completely ensnared by bunny go go licious.

As time goes by you will see why these people are the banes of my life and the reason why I'm neurotic. Anyway can you all go away now as its almost pay day and a girl needs to look busy. Next time we shall try to answer the question "Why is such a hot chick still single???" All you still single ladies might want to take notes so you can avoid the numerous pitfalls I managed to fall into over the years. LEAAAAAARRRRRNNNNNN FROM ME! Bye!