If this is real hair, I'm a Monkey's Aunty.

Hun! I don’t know why you people just like to try me in this Lagos. I have tried to carry myself in a calm, dignified and ladylike manner since I arrived but I can see my efforts are wasted on you lot. You all obviously prefer crazy ass Mena abi? That’s cool. Ko si problem ra ra. I’ll give you crazy. The first recipient of a Crazy Mena ass kicking will be my good for nothing hair stylist when I eventually find him.

Remember I told you Speedy Gonzales gave me the number of her weave stylist? Well, I’ve used him twice since then and to be honest the guy was good. Bloody expensive, but good. I stepped into the office after he’d finished with me and jaws dropped. I had random office crazies popping by my desk to ask me who hooked me up with such banging hair and I would just giggle coyly, revealing nothing. I beg, I like having hair. Even though Speedy Gonzales didn’t make me swear, God knows what “May all her body hair fall out" charm she’s put on me in my absence. Anyway, I was very pleased with him and decided to use him for a fringed bob to look extra fly for a friends wedding.

So he came over to my crib and after 2 hours of sitting still till my bum was numb, he was finally done. I was excited and skipped to the nearest mirror. I actually skipped past the mirror because I thought the initial reflection I saw was somebody else. Maybe one of my bad taste cousins who had managed to sneak unto the premises without my mother knowing (Believe me, even with the Razzo detector 2000, also known as Bingo the dog, that my mother has installed, those sneaky relatives still manage to find their way in here). So I backed up slowly and reexamined the Dora the Explorer looking person in front of me(Please refer to picture below).



Okkkaaaayyy. Why are my ears sticking out from beneath the weave? I look like Spock on Star Treks sister. Not only is the bob shape all wrong and too short, whats going on with this hair? I paid for human hair but I would like to meet the human the hair that is presently on my head came from. Its so shiny! I might actually be banned from going out in public, in case the rays from the sun bounce off my hair and blind innocent motorist causing a multiple car pile up. This is so not happening.

"Stylist!"

"Yes ma"

"What the hell is this on my head?"

"You no like am ma?"

"Am I skipping round the room spraying you with money? En answer now."

"No ma."

"Then I obviously don’t like it. I showed you a picture of what I wanted so what's this? And what kind of cheap synthetic hair is this on my head?"

"Na the style ma. I get am. Maybe na your head too big so e no show its true beauty."

"Ye!My own head? Too big? Na you spend 7 hours in labour trying to push the head out or whats your business what size my head is? Just say you don’t know what you are doing."

"E fine madam. By the time you wake tomorrow morning all the hair go don relax and it will look fine."

"En hen. So by tomorrow morning it will look fine abi? You can guarantee that?"

"Yes ma. I swear by tomorrow u no go even believe na the same hair."

"No problem. I trust you. So you know what will happen? Tomorrow morning after I see that the hair is looking good, feel free to come and collect your money."

Joker! if he thinks I’m paying even one Kobo for this hair, he is greatly mistaken. I’ve only just noticed that every time my blackberry goes anywhere near my face, strands of hair pop up, obviously being attracted by the static, magnetic pull or whatever. Human hair my fine black a..

"Ah! Madam that one no go possible. I have to collect my money tonight o."

"Then you better take this thing out and do it properly or else no money is leaving with you tonight."

"I no fit do anything again o. I get other customers to see today. Na dey style you give me I don do for you. Next time you too dey look yourself well, well before you dey pick style."

"Me?! I should look myself well ,well?"

"Yes O! Abi you no see the person who do dey style? You resemble am? Na twins you be? Then how you go expect make both of you to look the same? Monkey and Chimpanzee no be the same o. I beg give me my money before I craze for you here."

Monkey? Chimpanzee? He used these words in a sentence relating to Mena? Lord have mercy. Insult upon bad hair injury. Is it me this man is miscojiving for? As my driver Tony likes to say during his numerous encounters with LASMA? That I, Mena, should check herself before picking a hairstyle. Can he not see my delicate Asian like features? I am waiting for them to invent the hairstyle that dares not suit me. Na me and him today.

"You want your money abi?"

"Yes o. E ma je kin ba yin fa rough. Make you give me my money now, now or else you go become lepa by the time I finish with you."

Emi? This means war.

"You want your money abi? Wait I am coming."

You see I am really a very calm and caring person by nature and find it very difficult to give people the ass kicking they usually deserve. So I tend to get others to step in and do what needs to be done.

"Mummy do you like my hair?"

"E gba me! Mena what is this on your head? Is it a wig? Please tell me it's a wig and this thing is not permanently attached to your head in anyway"

"You don’t like it Mummy?"

"Who did this to you? Please tell me. Who? Did you fight with them at the salon before they started your hair? I’ve warned you never to fight with anyone that is responsible for making you look fine."

"I didn’t go to the salon. The guy is downstairs. I just came up to get money to pay him. Mummy he said if I didnt pay him he would beat me till I was lepa"

Cue fake sobbing.

"Pay who? You mean the enemy of progress who did this to you is still here? Under my own roof? Wait let me put on my slippers. Go and call Inspector Lamidi and the other MOPO’s for me on the intercom. Tell them to come and to release Bingo from his cage."

"Yes Mummy."

"All the enemies that say my daughters own no go better will feel my power today."

"Amen"

"All those your cousins that will be doing Patewo hairstyle on their wedding day will not succeed."

"Amen"

"I know it is them that are sending these people to you and today I will show them that you do not put your hand in the mouth of a rabid dog. By the time I beat kin la pata into their Onidiri of destruction's body, they will know that my God is greater than their babalawo. Mena open that cupboard, take out my holy water and sprinkle some on my Broom of Righteousness for me."

Go Mummy! Its your birthday! We gonna kick asses like its your birthday…

Once the Broom of Righteousness, which my mother claims has been blessed by the Vatican and Bishop Desmond Tutu, comes out, you know your evil ass is grass.My mothers always uses it to sweep the guest room when her arch nemesis, Aunty Rafiatu, my dad's first cousin, comes to stay. I don't usually believe in all Mum's mumbo jumbo but even I can testify that Aunty always loses her voice and gets a runny tummy the moment she steps into the house. Ensuring my mother of a peaceful visit. The extra addition of holy water is a nice touch.I love my mama. Where else would I find a mama that would race downstairs in her bubu and flip flops, armed with a "Back to sender" broom, a vicious guard dog and a deployment of MOPO's to defend my honour?

Unfortunately our beat down was cut short, as the stylist must have heard Bingo’s hungry barking(My mother only feeds him corn beef every other day to ensure he’s always ready to massacre uninvited guests) or spotted the trigger happy MOPO’s because he’d gotten a pretty good head start and was already trying to scale the back wall by the time Mum and I got downstairs.Lucky bastard. Bingo still managed to get himself some trouser leg though, so it wasn't a total bust. Oh well! You win some, you lose some. I wonder who the hell is going to do my hair now?