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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Where my money?

Its pay day and I see no money in my account.

My computer has been logged onto the GT Bank website since I arrived at 7.00am this morning and I have been refreshing it on a regular 5 minute cycle. Still…nothing, nada, zilch. I have already called their IT helpdesk 12 times in the last hour to ensure that their website is not malfunctioning. Kenneth, their helpdesk support guy, has assured me that everything is working A OK. He probably thinks I’m calling this often because I’ve got a thing for him. He does sound very sexy over the phone but I have learnt the hard way not to judge a mans hotness level by his voice. Anyway, not even interested. Not on man catching duty right now. Today Mena is all about the Benjamin’s. Not to mention the fact that if he’s helpdesk support, he can’t be making the big bucks.

Gasp! Shock horror! Mena how can you be so materialistic?

Yawn, don’t you guys get tired of being shocked by me? I beg put a sock in it and let a girl hear word. Can't you people even pity someone? Look at how I’m having palpitations over the measly, “Can’t buy myself a Porsche Cayenne jeep” salary they are paying me. If I had a “Use money as wallpaper” boyfriend now don’t you think I would be a happier and nicer person? Hiss. Look don’t cross me today o.

Refresh…The balance of your account is N122.67kobo.

See me see trouble. I have serious gbese to pay my tailor for new baffs and these people are playing with me. Abi did I get the day wrong? Nah! Not possible my phone alarm always plays Johnny Kemps “Just got paid” on the 29th of every month. You know the one

Just got paid, Friday night (Money in my pocket)

Party huntin', place is right (Place is little right)

Booty shakin', all around (all the way you're lookin' 'round)

Pour one drink when I'm gettin' down

Ahhhh! I hear that song at 5.45am at the end of the month and I’m slightly more motivated to get my ass out of bed and give unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar.

Not sure we're familiar with that tune.

What do you mean you don’t know the song? Were you deaf in the 80’s? I beg commot for road let me talk to the hip people jo. Not know “Just got paid” ke? In fact, please log out of my blog immediately I don’t want people like you claiming you know me. Annoying Married Chick & Ijebu Chick, please feel free to log out with the saddo’s because I know the only songs you knew in the 80’s was Tosin Jegede’s “if I had the wings of a dove” & Yvonne Chaka Chaka’s “Umqombothi “.

Wait; wait before you go, you mean you really don’t remember the short man with his dreadlocks and the little side to side dance? Na wa! It’s good to have a TV o. Its ok, don’t bother scratching your head, just log out. No really, don’t try to pretend you know now, its too late, dey go. I say make you dey go and let me focus on finding my missing salary.

Refresh… My balance is still N122.67k.

To think I dragged my still diseased body into work yesterday and paraded myself up and down the payroll department corridor just to ensure that they didn’t forget to pay me like they did the first month I was here. Yes people. It is only at ibi ise Lagos style that you can forget to pay an employee. There I was, eagerly awaiting my salary only to get a very nasty shock when I got to the cash point. No money dey there. In fact even the ATM was pissed off at being made to process a transaction without sufficient funds and refused to give me back my card. Naturally, after being embarrassed at the bank, I was in a very sour mood when I got to the office. I stormed into the payroll department and demanded to know why I hadn’t been paid.

“Sisi sit down. Let’s discuss this calmly” said the Payroll Guy. Some snotty nosed corper.

“Please don’t call me Sisi.”

Isn’t there any employee code of conduct in this office? I’ve noticed that since I’ve arrived here nobody actually calls me by my name. I’ve been called Sisi, Ele, Orobo to bad, Aunty, Madam & my personal favorite, Omo Mummy! Anyway this was not the time to be calm. Zebra was having a sale the next day and this girl needed some retail therapy bad.

“You see Sisi, there was a slight mix up on my part and I forgot to add your name to the payroll list when you started.”

Fine! You’re crap at your job but I won’t hold that against you right now. Just give me some money before I use your unflattering khaki trousers to give you a wedgie.

“So what I am going to do is update our payroll records and pay the money with your salary next month.”

Back up. What the hell did he say? I was too busy humming ...

Hey, Mena, baby I got your money

Don't your worry, I said hey.

Baby I got your money

in my head and wasn't paying attention(Please tell me you know that's by Ol'Dirty Bastard? You know what? Just leave the vicinty of my blog). Did he say end of the month?

“I’m sorry, did you end of the month? Why can’t you pay cash into my account today?”

“There are still some procedures I need to go through for audit purposes and the Payroll Manager is on leave for 3 weeks so there is no one to authorize the payment. So I just can’t pay money into your account. It will take time.”

“It better take exactly 5 hours and 27 minutes because that’s how long you’ve got till the bank closes. I need my money today. Not tomorrow and definitely not next month. TODAY!!!”

“Sisi take it easy. Lagos big girl like you. I know it’s not this small salary that we are paying you that’s keeping you going. Omooooo Mummmmy! I’ve seen that PRADO they come and drop you in now. Just tell your parents to fund you until we get this little problem sorted out. By the way there is no need to tell everyone about this. You and I will sort this out together abi? I’m hoping to stay on here after my service and this could really hurt my chances.”


Oh God! I can’t stop laughing. Payroll Guy initially joins in but soon realizes that this isn’t the laughter of a sane woman and stops to shift his chair closer to the door. This one does not know who he is messing with. You lot think my mother is crazy abi? You haven’t seen me when I’m suffering from shopping withdrawal.

“Look Payroll Guy. I will be leaving your office in approximately 5 minutes at which point you will either have spoken to someone who can authorize a money transfer to my bank or you will hand over a personal check for my entire salary because I am sure you did not forget to pay yourself today. If either of those 2 things don’t happen, I will leave this office and head straight to the MD’s office to inform him that I will not return until the 29th of next month because that is when YOU have decided to pay me. After that I would watch your back because until I get my money, your life is not safe.

“Ah! Ah! Sisi!”

“Yes, I talk am. You see that Prado you’ve been admiring from a distance? You are about to get up close and very personal with it. If I don’t get my money today, I suggest that from now on, every time you see one on the road, you had better start running because chances are it will be me following you so I can run your incompetent behind over. And because you are still calling me Sisi even after I asked you not too, I will make sure I reverse over you a couple of times to ensure that at least 80% of your bones and internal organs will no longer be identifiable to the Coroner. Now you have 3 minutes and 45 seconds to give me my money.”

“But Si… I thought you were a Christian? This is not how a Christian sister should behave o.”

“Please, please, it’s when you people do something wrong that you’ll start bringing God into it. Look all sins are forgivable, so if I kill you in a moment of madness and repent, I go still meet you for heaven. So please don’t let me ask again.”

He quickly picks up the phone, reports himself to the MD and goes to get authorization for my check.
Problem solved.

When I realized I hadn’t been paid this morning, I was planning on heading over to his office to wave the keys to the Prado at him and get me some money. But it turns out the whole office hasn’t been paid. Apparently it will be in there before the close of business today. All I can say it better be cause Mena has a serious craving for new shoes.

1 comment:

Gweneviere said...

Sissi! uhm, sorry, I mean Mena :-))) awesome blog, can't wait to hear about your new adventures!