Security! Someone's knicked my knickers.

Yawn!! Gee it’s a good thing I’m hot because I’ve definitely been missing out on my beauty sleep. I’m absolutely exhausted and it’s all thanks to mum.

What did she do now?

Thank you my people. I would like to think that as a grown ass woman I am entitled to a little privacy abi? So imagine my surprise on getting home the other day to find my mother in my bedroom going through my underwear drawer.

“Mother what are you doing?

“What is this?” she asks holding up a pair of my comfy grandma knickers.

“Mother do you mind.” I say, grabbing my knickers and stuffing them into my handbag

“How did you get in here? I locked the door when I left this morning.”

“Hiss…Is it not my house? I can open any door I want, anytime I want. Your father too is still deceiving himself that I don’t enter his study. He thinks I don’t know he hides palm wine and playboy magazines in there. At his age, he’s still looking at naked small girls. Did he ask me to sit naked on top of a motorcycle and I said no? Instead he’ll be wasting money on all that rubbish. When you ask him for Dubai money now, he’ll be giving someone long story about being retired and the economic climate. Hiss…Anyway, why are all your pants so unattractive. Don’t you like lace or silk? Abi, you get share for cotton and polyester factory? Even your Aunty Philo, who is SU, still wears better underwear than this. I pity you. Anyway I know what to do now.”

She shoves me out of the way and walks out in a huff. Like, she’s the one that should be upset. I’m the one that’s been violated damn it! I should be upset.

En you too, look at it from your poor mother’s point of view now. You are like 40 years old, unmarried and living in her house with drawer full of bad underwear. You can’t blame the poor woman for being upset. She wants grandchildren.

Waka! Na you be like 40 years old. I’ll have you know I’m in my 30’s, look like I’m in my 20’s and have the energy of a teenager. So back up loser. And stop using the grandkids issue as an excuse. She already has grandkids and they’re all petrified of her. Normal grandma’s buy their grandkids toys and tell them fairy tales. My mother brings out the pestle and mortar and makes them pound yam for fun, while she reads Revelations from the Bible out loud to them. My nephew’s only 4 but he has arms like wrestler and thinks every car backfiring is the beginning of rapture (He makes some bad ass pounded yam sha). Nope, not letting any of my kids near her.

Well, excuse us for speaking.

Whatever! It’s been a long day and I’m still recovering from the Hottie incident. I need a nap.

So there I was napping away when flashing lights and a constant pain in my ribs wakes me up. So I open my eyes to find my mother poking my tummy with a ruler and a strange man with a camera looming over me

"Good you are awake. I didn’t want wake you but seeing as you are awake…Do you know your tummy is …meters wide (Like I’m going to tell you guys what the measurements are)?"

What the …

“YOU WOKE ME UP!! How can stand there poking me with a ruler and then tell me you didn’t want to wake me? Mother what do you want? Who’s this man?”

“So are you going to start doing sit ups or should we see if your Dad has any money hidden in between his playboy’s so we can send you to India for liposuction?”

Why does she just ignore whatever I say to her and carry on with her own conversation?

“What are you doing Mummy? Hey! Will stop taking pictures of me before I do things to your camera that your warranty won’t cover”

“So tell me what is it exactly that you are looking for in a man?”

I’m so not having this conversation with her.

“Mum, what’s going on here? Again, who is the man with the camera?”

“I’m just asking because I now see where we are going wrong with this whole husband issue.”

Gee! I can’t wait to hear this life changing revelation.

“I have allowed you too much freedom on this matter. I thought I was being modern by allowing you to choose your own husband but I can see now that you are not to be trusted with such a huge task. So I have taken it upon myself to speak to a marriage broker. She has requested your vital statistics and a picture. So sit still and let Gideon take your picture.”

“A marriage what?”

“A marriage broker. She will look around for any single men from good families, show them your picture and if they are interested she will bring you their details. Maybe you should put on some make up.”

Oh God she’s signed me up to a local dating agency.

“Mother! Please leave my room and take Mario Testino’s African brother with you. I am not joining any marriage agency to be paraded around Lagos like cattle(For Gods sake, I do have rep to protect).The sooner you accept the fact that I will meet someone in Gods time and not yours, the better.”

She stares at me, all quiet for a second and then says...

"Why are you like this? Has someone cursed me because I don’t understand why you are always rejecting my attempts to help you? Is it a sin to want to see your daughter happy? Gideon e don do. Let’s go. One day you will have a daughter too and I pray that she won’t give you all the heartache you’re giving me."

Oh gee! Has she gone all misty eyed?

My mother walks out of the room, followed by Gideon who turns around to take another quick snap before he leaves. I throw a book at him but my hearts not really in it, so I only manage to hit him in the head, when what I was really aiming for was his camera. Hmm… could I really have upset my mum? She did look weepy. Maybe I am too hard on her. She just wants me to be happy and it’s not like I don’t want to meet someone too. Fine! I’ll go look for her and make sure she’s not about to top herself due to my lack of man catching skills. But no matter how upset she is, I ain't going to any local Cilla Black to find a husband…Period.

That was a couple of days ago and mother and I have come to an understanding. She has promised not to nag me about men and I've promised to be more proactive and wear nicer underwear. Speaking of underwear, I can't find the knickers I shoved into my handbag the other day. I definately didnt take them out of my bag because I've only just remembered they were in there. But they just seem to have vanished into thin a.. oh my God! I told Ladies Man he could take some gum out of my handbag the other day. That pervo has stolen my knickers.I thought he seemed a bit smug with himself lately. He's probably charging all the guys in the office a 1000 Naira a pop to see my knickers and they're not even sexy ones. That would probably explain the sudden heavy foot traffic around my desk.They are all coming by to see the lady with the humongous ass. I need a new job. I so can't be around these people any longer. Someone please employ me and take me away from this perverted mad house.