One kobo, two kobo....

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14.

Nah,that can’t be right. Let me check again just to be sure.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…

I don’t believe it. Can it really be 14 whole days till payday? Two whole weeks without cash! What’s a girl to do??? I literally have a grand in my purse and that won’t even cover my Red cab home. Not to mention necessities like Genevieve, Phone credit for 2 phones, Lunch at Yellow Chili,Cocktails at Otto Lounge. How am I supposed to survive? The folks are away which means I can’t even sponge off them. Awwwwwwwwwwww!!! BoooHooo! Woe is me. I need to find cash and fast. Who can I get some money off?

Let me try my dearest Daddikins. He loves his little princess and won’t let her starve.

Riiinnng

“Hello”

“Hello Daddy”

“How are you my darling?”

“Not so good Daddy. I’m all out of cash and with you and mummy away I don’t know how I’m going manage.”

“Ah ah! Why didn’t you tell your mother before she came to join me? She would have given you money”

Yeah and Santa Claus might just become a Muslim and change his name to Alhaji Claus.

“Oh don’t worry Mummy, Dad. I don’t want to stress her. You know how sensitive she is”

Yeah, as sensitive as a bull on crack.

“Ok. Don’t worry my dear. I’ll send the driver to put some money in your account today.”

“Thank you Daddy. Love you.”

Click.

Phew disaster averted. Thank God I didn’t have to call my mother or any of my other insane siblings. I wonder where I should go spend my new found wealth?

Ping

Oh. It’s a text message from Mum. What does she want?


“My darling daughter thank you for the 100,000 naira….

What?!! Is she high on Shelltox again? I’ve told her time without number that she’s not supposed to spray it on herself when she goes out at night.


you told your father to give me. I ran into Tony on his way to the bank to pay it into your account. When he told me, I thought to myself;it is not possible that my own husband, who hasn’t agreed to pay for my Dubai trip, is giving you,who has refused to leave her fathers house, 100,000 naira. So thank you. May your children also collect money from your husband on your behalf (You won’t say Amen?).Off to Mama Kudi’s now to check out her new shipment of Swiss Lace. If I have change, I will buy some Davina Ankara.

Oh my God. I think I’m actually going to cry. No wait…too late. I can feel the big fat tears rolling down my cheeks already. 100,000 naira gone just like that. Why Lord? Why? Oh well Rat Boy just stepped away from his desk without locking his computer and there’s no one else here. Someone has to suffer with me. I think I’ll just close his word document without saving any of the changes he just spent the last hour working on. Done. Oh my gosh! I do feel better. Not a 100,000 naira better but better. I guess I will have to call the other Mena family crazies after all.

Let’s try Annoying Married Chick


“What do you want?”

She was obviously at the back of the queue when God was handing out phone manners.

“Hi Sis”

“What do you want?”

“Fine I won’t bother with the niceties then. I need to borrow some cash.”

“Why?”

“Cause I obviously don’t have any?”

Nope not there when the brains where being handed out either.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you have any money?”

“Err, because I’ve spent what I have and now I don’t have any more. So can I please have some?”

“What did you spend it on?”

“I don’t know. Stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. JUST LEND ME SOME BLOODY MONEY!!!!!!”

“I don’t appreciate your tone. I suggest you think about your attitude and call me back when you are ready to apologise.”

Click.

Cow.Who needs her anyway? Her crazy has probably rubbed off on the money.

Hmmm…I’ll try my Brother in-law Market Boy. At least one of them has got be sane in that relationship.

“Hi”

“Hi Sis”

“Hey what’s with all the loud music? Where are you? What are you doing?”

“Oh I’m at the dance studio. I’m planning a special grease dance routine for our anniversary this year.”

Dance wetin???

“I’m going to do the “We go together” number. You know the one that goes…”


We go together like
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom

Yeah boom de boom to you too mate. I take back what I said. Both parties in a relationship can be crazy.

“Anyway I need more people to really make the performance pop. So you interested in joining in sis?”

Alakoba! I never marry and you want me to be popping in some insane 1980’s dance number? Its unfortunate that we are related because I'm definately in a "Waka" mood at the moment.

“Er,no don’t want to steal any of the glory on your big night. You just keep practicing bro and I’m sure you’ll just blow her away on the night.”

Yeah you’ll blow her away all right. Right into the nearest psychiatric ward.

“I guess. Everybody just seems a bit reluctant to take part.”

Ya think? I’m ….years old. No way I’m prancing around in a poodle skirt and ankle socks for anyone (Well if the nurse’s uniform gets boring and my future boo insists on it, I might reconsider).

“Oh well. So did you want something Sis?”

“Naw! Just called to say hi”

“Ok then talk to you later. Oh by the way do you know where I can get a black Elvisy wig and some leather trousers.”

“Er…not off the top my head but I’ll definitely keep an eye out for one.”

“Thanks. Bye”

“Bye.”

Saddo. Not going to bother getting any money off him. He’s going to need all he’s got to pay for my sister’s therapy after she sees him prancing around in front of all her friends and family in tight leather trousers and a wig. If she had been nice about the money I might have warned her but right now not sure she deserves any sympathy.

Ok who can I try next? My brother Peanut Butter Boy I suppose.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg...

Hmmm, not picking up as usual.

Ping

Oh he’s sent me text

“I know why you are calling and mum says I am not to lend you any money no matter how much you beg. She says if I do she will come and spend a month with me and the Mrs. I love my life and I’m scared my wife will leave me if she stays here for a week let alone a month. Sorry Sis but my hands are tied. Try Annoying Married Chick. Maybe mum hasn't gotten to her yet.”

Cruella Deville wins again. She has once more reduced me to a quivering mass of helplessness. Fine, she might have won this battle but I’ll win the war. To all you so called fans out there. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find me a m… You thought I was going to say man didn’t you. Yeah right! Like I would leave my entire romantic and lampashing future in your hands? I love myself a tad too much for that. Nope you all go find me some money making scheme and be quick about it.

I’m off to see if Red cab will accept a picture of me as part payment for my ride home.